Blog housecleaning

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I've decided, on advice from friends, that I don't have to put up with anonymous rude comments on my blog space. I wouldn't put up with it in person, so I'm not going to put up with it here. So...anonymous comments are now off.
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I did want to answer one question...why would I put myself through another pregnancy if I am going to be miserable the entire time?

1. I'm not miserable. Scared...yes. No...terrified that I'm going to bury another child. I found the experience of standing at my child's gravesite, looking at his coffin, to be the worst of my life (times two). That doesn't mean I'm miserable. It just means I have life experiences that color my perceptions. And they don't just go away because I wish them away (believe me, I've tried).

I know there is a lot of crazy associated with my current views of pregnancy and childbirth. I fully recognize that some of it is completely and totally batshit crazy. But completely denying feelings, no matter how crazy, isn't healthy. So the crazy comes here. My co-workers, friends, and family thank you for the sacrifice you make by reading about it.

2. This was not a planned pregnancy. But when I discovered I was pregnant, I couldn't help but smile and feel excited at the prospect of adding to our family. There is considerable risk and the potential for much heartache. But there is also potential for considerable joy. And THAT is why I am surviving another pregnancy...that potential joy.

You may not have made the same decision and that is a choice you are entitled to make for yourself. Faced with this unexpected opportunity...I choose to try. That doesn't mean I can join in the happy dance that generally surrounds the pregnancy experience. I will question my own sanity. I will be sad and angry and jealous some days. In fact, some days I may have to crawl just to keep moving. Some days, when that potential joy is clouded out by fear and anxiety, I may even have to rely on the kindness of my friends to push me forward by reminding me that it is out there.

But it IS out there.

So that's why.
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I still maintain that a high risk OB practice is NOT the place for a nurse to gush about how her own five pregnancies made her feel "so healthy and strong." It's just...callous. But I didn't embarass her by pointing it out. In fact, I didn't say anything. I didn't yell or cry or anything "miserable." I smiled and nodded the way you're supposed to do in polite company. And then I came here and expressed my disbelief at the callousness.

Another day at the office filled with easy chit-chat for her. Another appointment during which I could find out my baby is dead for me. Not miserable...just disappointed because I expect a little more empathy from someone involved with my care in that particular setting.
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My blog started out as a place to just talk nonsense. And I would have LOVED for it to stay that way. But it became my place to get the crazy out. To put it somewhere where people might recoil in horror...but at least I didn't have to see it. My place to be honest without fear of judgments or easy answers being tossed out. And, for the most part, people have been relatively good about respecting my space. But, as in life, there is always that one person who needs to step in and stir things up. I don't know why.

I will never understand what compels someone to leave confrontational comments (anonymous or otherwise). I have always subscribed to the philosophy that if I don't know you, you probably don't really care what I have to say. Further, if I do know you, you probably don't want to be publicly kicked in the ass on a blog forum. So if I don't have anything nice to say, I just don't say it. It's too bad not everyone learned that lesson.
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