----------------------------------- Let's start out this week with a huge CONGRATULATIONS to my brother-in-law for successfully defending his MFA thesis! ----------------------------------- It is just wrong that they have used Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer in an Aflac commercial. So wrong. ----------------------------------- Veteran's Day holiday...I should be reading transcripts but I'm not. I'm drinking coffee, watching Boston Legal, and crocheting. Love it! ----------------------------------- So parent-teacher conference went well. I wasn't in the mood to deal with a first grade teacher, so I sent Steve. He brought home a good report. The teacher said Sam could be the class valedictorian if he keeps up at his current pace. No pressure or anything. lol!
Steve had a heart to heart talk with the teacher and she acknowledged that she knows Sam is bored in class. She's going to try to challenge him with more difficult work. I'm not entirely satisfied with that answer. Though she says he is not a disturbance to the rest of the class, I don't think it's too far of a leap from bored...so I'm still worried. ----------------------------------- Myles suffered his second blood-inducing injury on Tuesday...knocking his nose on the baby gate. Just two in the first year isn't a bad record, if I do say so myself. And I haven't even had to resort to wrapping him in bubble wrap! ----------------------------------- Don't know if I can swing it yet or not...but...
----------------------------------- This is pretty cool... ----------------------------------- I have NO IDEA what to get Myles for his first birthday. It seems Toys R Us has exploded in my house at some point and we no longer NEED a single toy...we've got 'em all. Of course, I KNOW I could give him a cardboard box and Myles would be happy. But I want to give him SOMETHING! ----------------------------------- Washburn's Old Fashioned Christmas candies make me smile because they remind me of my grandma at Christmastime. ----------------------------------- If your knitting is for the birds, consider making sock-sweaters for the parrots at Best Friends Animal Sanctuary. You can also buy socks and donate them...but I thought the knitting idea was great for my friends who, like me, may have tried sock knitting and came away with something that resembled a sock but wasn't really wearable. ----------------------------------- Dogs like Jeffrey break my heart. Won't you help out if you can? Donate a dollar or two? -----------------------------------
Myles turns one year old next Thursday and I've got all the hallmark mommy sentimentality to spew forth in the next few days as I rightly should. What I didn't expect...what I'm kicking myself for not anticipating...is the resurgence of grief that comes with these milestones.
I'm fairly used to the every day stuff by now...the smiles where I wonder if his brothers would have looked like him...the screech that I don't wish too hard would stop...the packing away of now-outgrown clothes that were actually purchased for another child. Those moments are like tiny little arrows that prick at calloused skin but don't puncture through (anymore). But as the major milestones happen, like first birthdays, it's like somebody is taking a pick axe to my heart.
I read this over at Glow in the Woods...and I was shocked to find myself at peace with the knowledge that someone gets it. There are days that are darker than others. I want to call the office and be free to say, “Sorry, but I just can’t do it. It’s all meaningless don’t you see, because today I’ll be useless to anyone but her. She’s dead and I can’t bear to wash my hair and I really just need to stay at home to be with her.” I start to cry in the shower and hate the world for expecting me to stop and get on with it. The only her left for me to be with is not one anyone else understands.
The thing is, I know I'm not alone. But as time moves on and life drags me forward, I FEEL alone. I feel as though I'm supposed to hide Alex and Travis away in a closet and not let their absence affect my every day life. I'm not supposed to spend time with them. I'm supposed to be grateful for what I have, not mourn what I've lost.
But these days...these days that hurt so much I want to howl in pain again...these days still come around. And I know it's no coincidence that they come around gleefully dancing hand-in-hand with the happy days. First birthday happiness? Meet my partner, glaring emptiness and sadness. I can't have one without the other. Not anymore. Probably never again.
Of course I know it's normal deadbabymama stuff...routine for those who travel in these circles...and I should have planned for it because I really really really don't want it to ruin the day. I need to focus on the living. Even when I hear the dead calling me to spend time with them.
Noah’s Wish will host an online charity auction featuring artist signed art and author signed books. Dan Rojas, Don Roth, Sharon Fernleaf, Janice Osborne and Carol Lew are some of the artists donating their art and actor Antonio Sabato Jr., The Dog Whisperer Cesar Millan, actress Diane Keaton and Celebrity Psychic Nancy Bradley are some of the authors who graciously donated autographed books to help raise funds to save pets in disasters.
“We are very excited to have so many artists and authors join us in this fun project that will help us in our mission to rescue animals left behind in disasters,” said Amy Maher, Board Chair of Noah’s Wish. “Sadly, disasters can and do happen at any time – and the funds raised by this auction will go directly to help us help animals in crisis.”
The link to the auction will be accessible via www.noahswish.info. The auction starts on November 13th, 2008 and runs for 10 days.
In all the illness-induced chaos at our house, I forgot to thank you for sending the Obama buttons. With yours plus what we requested from MoveOn.org, we've got quite a little collection (despite the fact that Sam lost one on the first day...sigh). Thanks so much!
These remind me of a button collection my sister once had...all kinds vintage design buttons (I Like Ike...Rosie the Riveter...etc.). I wonder what happened to those...?
I'm home alone with Myles today (Happy Veterans Day). We've been awake and out of bed for about an hour. I've already said "no" about 3,966,240,563,127,595 times. And every time I do, he flashes me this grin...
He is currently banging the dogs' metal dog dish on the dining room chairs like a good little prisoner. If this is the last you hear from me in a while, send reinforcements.
I read online about a Star Wars Pumpkin Carving kit available exclusively at Target. A week before Halloween, I sent Steve to find one. He called and asked me to find the SKU and text it to him...because he wasn't having any luck. I was disappointed to find that nobody had a good enough photo of the actual package so I could copy the UPC.
But my man was not to be deterred. The Daddy who, despite the sighs and eye rolls, really wants to see his son's eyes light up...the hunter/gatherer...refused to return to the nest empty-handed. He kept looking...rummaging through shelves of generic Halloween accessories...peering behind Star Wars costumes and related paraphenalia...already planning to visit a different store the next day if need be. A final desperate look behind the Disney princess pumpkin carving kits and...voila! He found one and returned home a hero!
We shall not discuss the profanity that accompanied the actual carving of the pumpkins. But they do look good, don't they?
1. What is/are your favorite yarn/s to knit with? What fibers do you absolutely *not* like?
Allergic to wool, but love all other natural fibers. Don't mind acrylic if it's soft and squishy.
2. What do you use to store your needles/hooks in?
Have a couple fabric needle/hook rolls that work well for me.
3. How long have you been knitting & how did you learn? Would you consider your skill level to be beginner, intermediate or advanced?
Don't knit much. Crochet is my thing and I consider myself an advanced crocheter.
4. Do you have an Amazon or other online wish list?
Amazon, though there are a few things on there that are stitch related, it's not craft-oriented for the most part.
5. What's your favorite scent?
During the winter months I like baking scents...cinnamon/clove spices...vanilla/sugar...baked apple/orange.
6. Do you have a sweet tooth? Favorite candy?
There's nothing better than good chocolate.
7. What other crafts or Do-It-Yourself things do you like to do? Do you spin?
Scrapbooking...when I have time. Gardening. Cooking/baking. I like cross-stitch, but haven't had time/space to do it for a couple of years now.
8. What kind of music do you like? Can your computer/stereo play MP3s? (if your buddy wants to make you a CD)
I listen mainly to country music because that's what's available on the radio out here. I also love Broadway musicals and classical music.
9. What's your favorite color(s)? Any colors you just can't stand?
Favorite color = purple
10. What is your family situation? Do you have any pets?
Married with two children and two angel babies. Lots of pets: Six dogs, four cats, two horses
11. Do you wear scarves, hats, mittens or ponchos?
Yes, yes, yes, no ponchos
12. What is/are your favorite item/s to knit?
Anything wearable.
13. What are you knitting right now?
Still working on things for friends...a granny square afghan...a teapot cozy...baby blanket that has changed recipients because I didn't get it done for the person it was originally intended for (and now the baby is too old to give a baby gift). I'm also working on an afghan for my own son...it's my "mindless" stitching project.
14. Do you like to receive handmade gifts?
Of course!
15. Do you prefer straight or circular needles? Bamboo, aluminum, plastic?
I like my bamboo knitting needles but I don't do much knitting. I use my aluminum crochet hooks the most and I would love to have some nice rosewood crochet hooks.
16. Do you own a yarn winder and/or swift?
No...but I don't really have a need for one.
17. How old is your oldest UFO?
The granny square afghan for my friend is a couple years old. It's a repetitive pattern, so I tend to get bored with it.
18. What is your favorite holiday? What winter holiday do you observe?
We observe Christmas, though we are not a particularly religious family.
19. Is there anything that you collect?
Besides yarn and scrapbooking supplies? nothing really
20. Any books, yarns, needles or patterns out there you are dying to get your hands on? What knitting magazine subscriptions do you have?
Rosewood crochet hooks. Crochet! magazine or Interweave Crochet. Enough bamboo yarn or soy yarn in one colorway to make the Doris Chan Amsterdam Coat. ***edited to add*** I have been browsing at The Loopy Ewe and Paradise Fibers and my head is spinning with the possibilities!
21. Are there any new techniques you'd like to learn?
I have never crocheted socks, but would love to try.
22. Are you a sock knitter? What are your foot measurements?
So things have gone from strange to stranger in Samuel's school world.
A couple of weeks ago, he brought home a book to read. It was, according to his proud proclamation, "the hardest reader the teacher has." He read it in under one minute. No, I'm not kidding. He whipped through the one-sentence-per-page book practically without taking a breath. I brushed off my mommy instinct and convinced myself I was worrying about nothing.
Then he came home with the two-or-three-sentence-per-page book about snakes. He stumbled over the word "reticulated" during the first reading. It was easy peasy after that. He reported that when he had to read it to the classroom reading volunteer yesterday he, "even remembered the word reticulated" without a problem. Reticulated. In first grade.
He missed two days of class and was greeted with an intimidating pile of worksheets to complete. He did so in about an hour and a half. The most difficult exercises are the new addition skills...the rest I suspect he could do with his eyes closed and one hand tied behind his back.
Parent-teacher conferences are Monday evening. As always, it's going to be interesting.
Sam missed school this Monday and Tuesday because he had whatever stomach flu his father so graciously gave him (and me...grrr!). Yesterday, he came home from school with an obscene number of worksheets to complete. Presumably, these were worksheets that would have been completed in class had he been in attendance. When I was sifting through them after school, I muttered something about this being a day when I had scheduled a vet appointment, grocery schopping, and Cub Scouts, Sam nearly started crying. When I asked him what was wrong, he quietly pouted he didn't want to miss cub scouts because of "stupid homework." I realized my frustration up to this point has been because I've allowed this kind of silliness to continue.
So...we went ahead with our plans and I wrote a note for school...
Dear Miss C: Wednesday nights are Cub Scout nights and Sam did not have time to complete all of the work from his absence. We plan to have it completed by Friday. Thank you for understanding.
We'll see how it goes over with the school. --------------------------------------- No, my internal ethical battle over certain parts of Cub Scouts has not been resolved. I KNOW there are larger issues involved here and that I could take a stand for what I believe. But like the lady who refused to give Halloween candy to kids whose parents supported Barack Obama, it would be MY stand at the expense of my son's involvement in something he enjoys. I'm working on my approach. But for now I'm just going to let him enjoy the camping and nature hikes.
On the same day that that headline ran on the front page of the Cleveland Plain Dealer, California, a place that my mother and I fondly refer to as "the land of fruits and nuts," passed a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage (I'm ashamed to say that Ohio already has one)...and I read this post by Niobe.
-------------------------------------- Sam helped me vote yesterday. He was THRILLED to be able to fill in the little bubble for Barack Obama and Joe Biden. He was disappointed, however, that he could not "vote the way he wanted." As is generally his nature, he is an impatient little soul and wanted the freedom to choose all on his own. I giggled when I asked him if he even knew who any of the people were and he said, "well...no...not really," because I know that he's probably as well-qualified to vote as any number of adults who cast a ballot. But when I explained that his time will come...when he's 18 he can choose to vote for whoever he wants...we started the most amazing dialogue we've ever had in his six short years of life. -------------------------------------- Me: When you see those millions and millions of votes being counted tonight on the news, you'll know that one of them was yours.
Sam: Really?
Me: Yep. Pretty cool, huh?
Sam: Mommy, who's going to be campaigning for President when I'm 18?
Me: I don't know...it could be anybody. Let's see...when I was 18, Barack Obama was still in law school. So when you're 18, it could be somebody who is in law school right now...or it could be somebody who is in business...it could be anybody. Anybody can be President. YOU could be President some day if you want.
Sam: Really? (I can not express the awe with which this one word was spoken...it brought tears to my eyes.)
Me: Yes, really.
Sam: How?
Me: Well...it starts with working really hard in school...learning a lot about a lot of different things...I think the President should be really smart and work really hard to understand as much about the world as they can...
Sam: I could study lasers...that would be really smart.
Me: Maybe you don't want to be President then. Maybe you want to be a scientist and work for NASA.
Sam: What's NASA?
Me: The National Aeronautics and Space Administration. They study space. You know the people who send rockets up into outer space?
Sam: Yeah.
Me: That's NASA (a little liberty taken here...so shoot me)
Sam: Wow! Really?
Me: Yeah. Kind of like Star Wars, but not in a movie...in real life.
Sam: Wow.
Me: But you have to study really hard and do learn as much as you can about science and math.
Sam: OK. Can we get McDonalds for dinner? -------------------------------------- I remember thinking the world was my playground and I could be anything I wanted to be. I remember dreaming and hoping for something better. I remember the possibility of it all.
When and how did I change? How did I get here? When did a steady stream of compromises become my way? Can I change back? Can I recapture for myself that optimism I so easily share with my child?
Indeed, it is time for a change. --------------------------------------
That feeling that you feel right now...whatever it is...whatever side you fall on politically...harness that feeling and DO something with it. Let it motivate you to find your voice and express what is important to you.
Attend your local township trustee meetings...city council meetings...county commissioner meetings...whatever. Find a cause to join. Start a cause that is your passion.
Achievement...success...don't come easy. You have to want it. You have to work for it. Moving this country forward is a mammoth task that requires a monumental effort. We're not where we need to be just yet. But if we take this opportunity...all of us...to capture this moment...we can ALL make a difference in this world.
The change that we create ourselves...THAT'S the change we can believe in.
To all those folks who didn't think we needed more money in our county budget and voted down the county-wide sales tax...enjoy standing in line waiting to vote because your precinct can only afford two machines. There's nothing I can do about it.
The 2008 Emmy Award-winning animated television series “WordGirl” offers a special Election Day episode Tuesday, Nov. 4 (5:30pm for us) on PBS stations across the country.
The Season 2 premiere finds Becky and Tobey both running for student council president. Then, the Butcher enrolls in an adult-education class to brush up on the word skills he needs to be a top-notch criminal.
"Globalization and technology and automation all weaken the position of workers," he said, and a strong government hand is needed to assure that wealth is distributed more equitably.
Please note where the quotation marks are...and what the context is before you forward me this stupid email/misrepresentation/lie one more time.
You own a house, a barn/garage, a hay barn, and smaller barn on 4.2 acres of property outside of the nearest village/city. It's about a mile away from the new high school in one direction. It's less than a mile away from a landfill in another direction. Landfill attorneys have approached your boss about your "conflict of interest" and, in no uncertain terms, threatened your job. You recently put a lot of work into renovating the house, but still have a lot of finish work to complete on the inside. Your home is "overvalued" as the current economic crisis has defined that term. You love your home but realize it is time to get the hell out of Dodge. The home selling market is for shit. The home buying market is fabulous. You can not afford two mortgages at the same time.
What do you do? Any creative suggestions out there?
I swear, life was easier when mom and dad figured out all this grown-up stuff for me.
If any of you follow Eliot's blog...about the baby boy who lived with Trisomy 18 from July 20, 2006 to October 27, 2006...you will be happy to know that little sister, Hazel, has arrived safe and sound. Congratulations to the entire family!
I LIKE to discuss politics. I like the free-flow of ideas and the exchange of information. I ENJOY tossing ideas around and coming at a problem from more than one angle so that it hopefully develops some sort of reasonable response/approach. I like to think I'm always right (got that from my dad)...but I recognize that I'm probably wrong more often than not. I don't see getting my panties in a bunch over anything any politician has to say (except maybe the idiot who voted to put the landfill in my backyard). And I really don't see getting myself all worked up because my friends and/or family and/or complete strangers don't agree with me. They're ALLOWED to not agree with me...that's the great thing about it.
But here's the thing...if you really don't want to discuss politics with me then DON'T discuss politics. Nothing irritates me more than the person who states their political position and then says, "But I don't want to talk about it." No...what you want to do is a political hit and run. You want to stick your fingers in your ears and sing "la la la la" loud enough that you can't hear anything other than the sound of your own voice. It's juvenile and it makes me want to smack you upside the head.
This past weekend when I was canvassing for the Obama campaign, I met a couple of folks who said, "Thank you for stopping by...I have already made my decision...and I do not care to talk about it." That was it. They didn't say what their decision was or offer up anything to give me a clue. And it was NICE! So much more so than the driveby nasty comments I hear about Barack Obama these days. People love to take their shots and then run away. Nobody wants to HEAR the other side. As a lawyer and a generally fair-minded person, that really upsets my internal truth-and-justice meter.
***this post is not directed at any individual in particular and only expresses my generalized election season discontent***
Today I did it all. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to make such a bold statement...because it's true.
I started off the day meeting some fascinating people and canvassing neighborhoods for the Obama campaign. I had the chance to talk with one woman...72 years old...who is voting for Obama because she has, in her words, "had enough." As I chatted with her in this chilly October morning, I felt as though something clicked into place for me.
All this time, I have wondered who lives behind the darkened windows of the houses I pass every day. And there she was...a widow of three months who visited her friend in West Virginia last week and was horrified to find prejudice and hatred still lurk in some people's hearts. There she was...wearing her robe over her sweatsuit and watching the Food Network with her cat. There she was...with her own life story and her own hope for something better.
After canvassing, I headed out to watch my six-year-old son play his last soccer game of this year. He's still no better than he was last year and he is still far too hard on himself for his lack of skill. But I couldn't be prouder of him for making a choice to participate and sticking it out until the end of the season.
After soccer my parents came to our house for lunch. Myles was full of smiles and contagious laughter that filled the house until it almost made me cry with happiness.
This evening was the daycare Halloween party. Kids in costume. Apple cider and any kind of sugary treat imaginable. Hay rides. A bonfire. Lovely, lovely, lovely.
And while there, I couldn't help but look around at all those little tiny faces...and wonder who they would be in another 70 years...what stories they would tell to the person who knocks on their door on a chilly October morning. I have hope for all of them...even more so after today...because I know I'm not the only one.
And as I reflect on this day, I can say that I did it all. I influenced a Presidential campaign. I spent time in the company of my amazingly loving family. I ate more Halloween treats than should be legal. Today was very very good.
I [insert name] promise to do my best To do my duty to God and my country To help other people And to obey the law of the pack
"You will put God first and do what you know God wants you to do."
I don't want to lie. I don't ever want my son to lie. But can I honestly expect him to do what he KNOWS God wants him to do? He's six! It's a complicated question that I wrestle with at age 36! I don't want him to miss out on the scout experience. But it seems somehow dishonest to promise something like this.
(And don't ever google this particular issue...the hostility and venom out there over Boy Scouts will scare the crap out of you.)
I post this in the hopes that people will see that there is still HUMOR to be had during this election period. Quite honestly, I find it very difficult to maintain my own sense of humor. You see, it is my job to advise my county's Board of Elections...to help them interpret directives and advisories issued by the Secretary of State...our top elections official. One of the most valuable tools I use to stay on top of the most current information (Ohio has had several lawsuits and other legal developments recently) is the Secretary of State's website.
Today...I find this message...October 20, 2008 - Columbus, Ohio – Due to security concerns experienced by the Secretary of State’s website, full functionality of the website has been suspended to protect the integrity of state records and data. Full functionality will be restored when we are assured that all data has been protected and restored to acceptable levels of security. If you have questions please contact Secretary of State’s office at 1-877-767-6446.
Great. So thanks to some idiot, my job just got immeasurably harder.
And last week, someone mailed a package with a mysterious white powder in/on it to the Secretary of State. Scrawled on the outside..."Death to Obama supporters." It turned out to be nothing, and we all got a good chuckle that the brain trust who sent it mailed it to the wrong building. But HONESTLY, it really ticks me off! I mean...REALLY?!?!? The people involved are just like me. They go to work every day trying to support their families and doing whatever they can to insure the integrity of the elections process in this state. They work for the people...even the stupid ones. I hope these creeps, whoever they are, crawl back under whatever rock they came from.
Find a sense of humor people. If I can laugh while up to my eyeballs in election legal questions and insanity, then there is NO reason you shouldn't be able to find a light moment or two.
My friend, Carla, runs Mini Mutts Rescue in Madison, Ohio. She does an AMAZING job and has really created an amazing operation that helps save many many furry lives. If you've got a minute, could you click through and cast a vote for her? I would appreciate it.
I've heard it said time and time again that Democrats are "soft" when it comes to election tactics. And yes, this Presidential campaign has illustrated distinct differences in campaign styles. McCain/Palin and company have given the Obama/Biden campaign PLENTY of opportunity to knock them down a peg or two. And time and time again, they have taken the high road. It has been frustrating for me because I generally want my guy to win...at all cost. But Michelle Obama gave a speech at the Women's Leadership Forum in Chicago, that gives me a valuable reminder...and makes me feel the pride that comes from NOT selling your soul in order to win an election.
There are still 25 days left until election day. And a lot can happen in 25 days. And, look, we are facing a tough opponent who is running a tough campaign. So we have to stay focused on what we're fighting for. And that's a better country for our families...and it's a better future for our children...that's the fight.
There are serious issues at stake here. And they demand a serious conversation. So even as the pressure builds and election day grows closer, we can't forget that we're all in this together. Democrats, Republicans, Independents, all of us. We're all facing the same future...and we will rise and fall together...just like we always have in this country. So, see, we can't afford to turn on each other now.
Like us, we know that our opponents have strong views. And we respect those views. We respect their right to argue for their ideas with vigor and with passion. But we can disagree without becoming disagreeable. We can challenge one anothers' positions without challenging each others patriotism. We can have a great debate about how to lead this country without suggesting that anyone doesn't love this country.
You see, we ALL love this country. That's why we're doing this. We want to help keep America strong...and fair...and free. A place where everyone has the opportunity to pursue their dreams. And haven't we had enough of politics that divide us? Don't we owe it to each other to be better than that? So, let's live by example for a change. Let's keep fighting for what we believe in without ever resorting to tearing each other down.
No grades for the first six weeks of first grade (yeah, I thought so too).
Samuel is keeping with the class nicely. He can decode short vowel words. He can also read short three words sentences fluently. Please make flashcards to practice at home. There is a word list included in this report card. I also encourage students to practice reading every night. Samuel can print neatly. He can also count to at least 26. I hope that Samuel works hard and has a wonderful school year.
Satisfactory Effort Social Studies Science Physical Education Art Music Needs some improvement Listens to and follows directions Works independently Controls talking Practices self control
I have suspected for a while that Sam is bored in class. When I ask him what they do all day, he says, "Stupid homework" (meaning worksheets). I just asked him what they do when/if they finish their worksheets early and he said they are allowed to sit at their desks and read a book...or get up and go play quietly with blocks or legos or puzzles. Now tell me (please) your opinions of this. Is it just me who finds this a bit...off?
Three $1,500 scholarships available in two categories of Academic Achievement and Local Government Achievement. The deadline for applications is January 28th.
Congratulations to Birdie's Mama and Daddy on the safe arrival of baby Holdyn on October 3, 2008...weighing 6lbs 14oz and measuring 20 1/2 inches long. He is beautiful and my heart is so full of happiness for the entire family.
There are so many things I want to do that don't get done. I intend to work on things and somehow time just slips by and I haven't done a thing. Where does it all go? My list grows by the minute...things I need to do...things I should do...things I want to do...
I have good intentions. Really. But I find myself overwhelmed by the sheer length of my to-do list. It's strange how I feel like I should force myself to participate more fully in my own life. But I'm just so daggone tired, so anything but the simplest of activities just seems like a colossal effort.
Know what I did yesterday? While at Sam's soccer practice, I read a book...for fun! No election law. No contracts to review. No competitive bid specifications to draft. It was decadent and I loved every second of it (I didn't even fall asleep). I need to do more of that...but it loses some of its appeal when I have to find time to schedule it. It's a catch-22.
I know, I know...if only we all had such problems...
How is it going to work, this proposed "renegotiating home mortgages based upon lowered home values?" Can anyone explain this in simplistic terms my brain can handle?
Here's how I understand it right now as it might be applied to me...
The bank takes a loss on my over-valued mortgage. My home value is lowered and I renegotiate my mortgage based on this lowered value. I the meantime, my county loses property tax revenue. My office can no longer afford to pay me because we no longer have that property tax revenue and I lose my job and can't paid my renegotiated mortgage. So the bank takes a loss on the first mortgage, a loss on the second mortgage when I declare bankruptcy, and the credit crisis gets BETTER because of this? ------------------------------- And really...if nuclear power is so safe, I propose the politicians live in a house near a nuclear power plant or near the Yucca Mountain nuclear waste repository. I mean, it's SAFE, right? Yes, I'm particularly sensitive to this issue at this given moment. But I think we ALL should be sensitive to it. We are unnecessarily creating problems that will be passed on to future generations. ------------------------------- Social Security is easy to fix? Why haven't you fixed it then? ------------------------------- McCain called Obama, "that one." Real nice. -------------------------------
HOW, in light of the news this past week, HOW do you argue for more reliance on markets for health care?
Unless I'm missing something, a $5000 tax credit isn't going to cover a $12,000 insurance plan. I'm pretty sure deregulation hasn't helped my cable television bill or my retirement investments...so this concept scares me.
Don't Pennsylvania and California have pretty good public plans that covers children? So it is possible, right? Help me understand. Educate me. Anyone?
My Secret Pal has been revealed! Normally, this event would not yield much fanfare, but I clicked over to Kim's blog and was met with the 2008 Knitter's Hunk - Hugh Jackman. Seriously! Knitting and GORGEOUS MEN! Even before I knew who she was, I knew I liked this lady. And it has nothing to do with the fact that she sent me LOADS of really awesome stuff! Did you KNOW they make chocolate Skittles? I did not. I can't wait to break them open and (over)indulge!
Seriously, Kim, you outdid yourself this round of SP and I can't thank you enough. It was so much fun finding little treasures in my mailbox during the past few months. My mom and I already have plans to do the sock monkey baby set from the Happy Hooker book for my brother's baby. I'll post pics of my progress on Ravelry (and here, if I remember). Thanks again! (I have never seen that shape crochet hook, but I will definitely review them as soon as I get to use them...they feel good initially...we'll see if it lasts)
------------------------------------ Sam - strep throat Myles - ear infection Mommy - needs more wine ------------------------------------ Nonprofit rule #1 : Never turn away a volunteer. Put them to work. Nonprofit rule #2 : If you call a potential volunteer and ask them to attend a "special event," at least know what the special event is and be able to answer questions about it. ------------------------------------ A campfire, some lawn chairs, and a starry sky make for a lovely family evening. ------------------------------------ I am really disappointed with Sam's soccer experience this year. His coach was taking phone calls on his cell phone at halftime, if that tells you anything about his coaching. My mom even noted that the other team's coach was really out there giving pointers and coaching while ours just stood there. Sam needs encouragement to do new things...he does not have an overly adventurous spirit. This coach is doing nothing to get him excited about the game. ------------------------------------ Sam never crawled. He went straight from laying around like a worm to "cruising the furniture" while standing up. So this new experience of a mobile 10-month-old is kind of frightening. I spend a good bit of time following him around catching him before he gets into trouble. I can't turn my back on him for more than ten seconds or he is gone. ------------------------------------ Remember the mice? Yesterday we found where they had been hiding prior to their living room adventures. My craft closet. Thankfully, my expensive yarn was not touched and it appears, after careful sifting, that they only stayed OUTSIDE of my storage containers (a big thank you to my friend Dana for showing me the way of Rubbermaid tubs). Let me tell you, nothing strikes fear into the heart of a stitcher more than the sight of mouse poop outside the box holding her $60 worth of pure alpaca yarn. ------------------------------------ A drive to Democrat headquarters the other night led to an amazingly insightful conversation with my six-year-old son. I hope he always remains so thoughtful and well-reasoned. ------------------------------------ This cracks me up. ------------------------------------ There doesn't seem to be time for anything these days. Between soccer and cub scouts and work (and work-related crap) and illness...I barely seem to have time to breathe. My house is in shambles. When the baby crawls on the floor, he comes up looking like an orphan child covered in dirt and dog hair. And there's nothing I can do about it at the moment because the canister on the very expensive vacuum cleaner has come apart and we can't figure out how to get it back together. Anyone with a Dyson...how in the h*** do you get the lid to the canister back on?!?! Thanks. ------------------------------------ Sarah Palin wants to talk about the associates of the presidential candidates. OK...Let's talk.
An Investment Banking “Factoid" • Up until 2003, all investment banks were limited to 12 to 1 leverage • In 2004, the SEC gave 5 investment banks the ability to lever up to as much as 40 to 1 • The 5 investment banks were: • Bear Stearns (acquired by JP Morgan Chase) • Lehman Brothers (Bankrupt) • Merrill Lynch (acquired by Bank of America) • Morgan Stanley and Goldman Sachs (converted to a bank holding companies) ------------------------------------
2 8-packs of Bounty Paper Towels Cover Girl Clean Foundation Cover Girl Clean Pressed Powder 2 Revlon Lip Gloss Bag Hershey's Cacao Reserve Dark Chocolate Truffles ----------------------- $12.81 out of pocket $35.02 saved
RITE AID
2 Bags Hershey's Bliss Dark Chocolate ----------------------- On sale for 2/$5 for $0 out of pocket
GIANT EAGLE (grocery)
6lbs ground beef 4 Old El Paso Flour Tortillas 4 Old El Paso Hard Taco Dinner Kits 1 Old El Paso Hard & Soft Taco Dinner Kit 4 Bags Giant Eagle Shredded Cheddar 2 Bags Giant Eagle Shredded Mozzarella 24-pack Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi (cube) 1 Oral-B toothbrush 2 4-packs Dannon Activia Yogurt 1 Gogurt 2 D-Con Mousetraps 1 Ziploc quart size freezer bags 1 can Kool Aid singles ----------------------- $77.13 out of pocket $15.64 saved + $3 off my next order
Today's mail has buoyed my spirits regarding our house/landfill situation. I can't re-print it here because it is two pages, front and back, with color photos of what the dump actually looks like. I would say that the most effective bit is the large font question, "Do You Want 75 Years and 400 Acres of This in Your Community?" underneath two very nasty photos of a mountain of trash. I HOPE people think about this question before they vote.
But more than that, I hope that they understand that allowing this to go forward means our zoning authority is for sale. Those who toss the most money around can get whatever they want and those of us without any money will be forced to submit to their wishes. Nobody will be safe.
No American mayor resides in a city closer to Russia than Andrew Milligrock, and he says being two miles from Russia doesn’t give him any foreign policy expertise.
Someone told me I would go to hell if I didn't stop being angry with God...if I didn't stop questioning Him. I deleted that email immediately with a deep breath and shaking hands. I wish now that I had saved it...printed it...framed it. For it was in that one instant that I realized I wasn't angry with God anymore...I didn't doubt God anymore.
I heard a door slam shut and in that instant I realized that I simply don't believe.
And that is where I found my peace.
No longer begging after a God who can never fulfill my needs has made me see life in a way that I never have before (it's funny how the threats of eternal damnation lose their power when you don't believe in them anymore).
I firmly believe and state it here for the record that this is it. This is all there is. And we better not waste one single second of it.
How do I know this? What was there before I was born? Nothing. At least nothing that I am conscious of. I can get all scientific and talk of potential and kinetic energy...but I know, as sure as I'm sitting here, that my existence lives on after I die on this earth...not in some lavish storage facility in heaven.
I was with my dead sons in this life for a short time and that is all I'm going to get. There is no more time. Whatever it was that made them a part of this existence is no longer. That makes me immeasurably sad. But it is a fact of life...of existence. That we all, at some point, simply cease to be. Just as we, at some point, began.
Before I was born there was nothing (at least, nothing that I remember). I anticipate that my death will be the same. There will be nothing more. And I am freed by that thought because it means that I have THIS moment to savor...THIS life to live.
Myles' daycare called. Vomit, 103-degree temperature, and crankiness...and my resulting mommy guilt. The doctor has no more appointments today so we were directed to the emergency room. Should be almost as fun as sitting out in the rain watching Sam half-heartedly play soccer (an activity about which I now wonder "what were we thinking?").
Further exploring of the crap that is my life postponed until further notice. It's just depressing.
Wanna place your bets as to whether it's another ear infection or he caught his brother's strep throat?
Today we received some election mail. I can't believe the nerve of them sending this to our home...but there it was...
The front:
Vote "Yes" for Responsible Rezoning
Issue 19 is NOT a tax increase
The Township Zoning Commission voted unanimously 5-0, to approve the rezoning. Voting "Yes" on Issue 19 reaffirms their decision.
Voting "Yes" on Issue 19 will keep Township financially strong by providing much needed taxes and revenue to our community. That's especially important in a tough economy.
A "Yes" vote on Issue 19 will result in expanded wetlands and habitat for wildlife - helping make Township a leader in environmental stewardship.
On the back:
What is Issue 19?
Issue 19 is a ballot issue to reaffirm the recommendation of the Township Zoning Commission as adopted by Township Trustees to rezone 229 acres of land from R-1 to WM.
A "Yes" vote will allow the rezoning to occur as the Township Zoning Commission recommends. It does not guarantee a landfill expansion, which requires additional public hearings and approval by the Ohio EPA. What does Issue 19 do for Township?
Voting "Yes" on Issue 19 means the community won't have to raise taxes or cut services to cover the loss of $532,000 annually to Township, City Schools and County. We can't afford higher taxes!
Voting "Yes" on Issue 19 protects our regional watershed and local environment. A "Yes" vote means the closed D Landfill can be moved away from C Creek to a modern, lined landfill with EPA oversight, at no cost to Township.
Supported by the Area Chamber of Commerce
Yes on Issue 19
Paid for by Citizens for Township, EJ, Treasurer (the landfill manager).
On the day that the stock market fell almost 800 points (the greatest single day plunge ever), we get to contemplate the total disaster that this house has become. The thing that gets us is that we weren't like those people who didn't plan ahead. We invested in this house not to make a profit but to make it our forever home. We didn't take any risky financial chances because it didn't even occur to us that we would leave here for many many years (if ever). Once again, we played by the rules only to find that it doesn't mean a hill of beans.
The simple fact is, despite the assurances by the landfill company, we don't trust their safety and we don't want to live by their dump...and neither does anybody else. A landfill expansion will render this house essentially valueless. Not our forever home...Not a re-sellable asset...
----------------------------------------- How soon is too soon to put up Halloween decorations? ----------------------------------------- This blog is a jumble of miscellaneous thoughts. Perhaps this particular feature is redundant here? C'est la vie. ----------------------------------------- I tried to knit myself a scarf and failed miserably. I think I'm finally giving up on knitting. It's just not for me. Now I need to find a good crochet scarf pattern...
Of course, there are SO many beautiful knitting patterns, I just might be motivated to try it again in the future. Who knows where time and insanity might take me! ----------------------------------------- This weekend is the showdown between mommy and Sam. His room will be cleaned or he will not participate in anything fun. In fact, he is not allowed to leave his room until it is cleaned. Should be fun. ----------------------------------------- Well duh! ----------------------------------------- On the same day WaMu goes under, I get this email from them...
With kids back in school and a nip in the air, we’re suddenly reminded that the holidays are just around the corner.
Even if you’re not ready to hit the stores, you can cut down on holiday stress by saving a little extra cash today. With Online Savings at an amazing 4.00% APY and great rates on Money Market accounts, we have plenty of ways to kick your holiday savings into gear.
Learn more about your options and these great rates for saving for the holidays.
----------------------------------------- Bare Escentuals cosmetic sales benefit UAN (United Animal Nations).
Today through November 13, Bare Escentuals will donate 100 percent of the net proceeds of its sales of Sanctuary Eyecolor to United Animal Nations.
The Sanctuary Eyecolor was created and named specifically to celebrate the relief that UAN provides for animals.
To ensure UAN receives the proceeds, the Sanctuary Eyecolor must be purchased at a Bare Escentuals boutique or on the Bare Escentuals Web site between September 26 and November 13. ----------------------------------------- I will never understand the American idea of capitalism that says we don't accept handing out cash to families facing foreclosure but do accept handing BILLIONS to the banking industry who got themselves into a mess. If I default on my mortgage, tough cookies. If the CEO who makes $40 million a year bankrupts the company...the government will save them. *sigh* ----------------------------------------- Anytime you begin to think the American public is smart enough to handle a Presidential election...visit the election twitter feed. It will alternately make you laugh and cry. ----------------------------------------- I desperately want to take a photography class. ----------------------------------------- The Friday before the local town festival is purple shirt day at Sam's school. It's a big deal and the kids win prizes, etc. Last year I was tie-dying a tshirt for him the night before because he failed to mention it until the night before. I had so much fun doing it that I planned ahead this year and bought supplies two days before...and planned to dye the night before without any stress.
Of course, with a six-year-old, nothing is ever stress-free. Sam didn't like the way the first t-shirt turned out..."not enough pattern" on it for him. He lost his cool and yelled at me...pouted and cried. I sent him to his room because I am so very tired of the temper tantrums.
I personally thought that the shirt wasn't quite the way I envisioned it and ran upstairs and grabbed a plain white t-shirt out of his underwear drawer and dyed it as well. It turned out great and I was so pleased...so was Sam once he was over his hysterics.
Today? Today he didn't wear either purple shirt! He blames his father for not "putting it out" for him to wear (despite it hanging in the bathroom in plain sight). And I am...in a word...pissed at them both. I turned myself inside out to make this happen...dealt with the attitude...and he doesn't even wear the damn shirt! I want to strangle him. No...I want to kick MYSELF for being a schmuck. Did I really think he would appreciate it? No...I knew it would be just another in a long line of things I do for him that goes without thanks. So why did I even bother? ----------------------------------------- How will the 2008 election affect your tax bill? (of course this was formulated pre-trillion dollar bailout...so who knows if it's even applicable now) ----------------------------------------- As my mom always says...better to be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt. Sarah Palin should stop talking. -----------------------------------------
I am not a confrontational person in my real life. When my feelings are hurt, I usually hide out and avoid the person while I stew about it for a good long while. After some time has passed, I will casually/sarcastically say something to the other person. Usually, his results in a definite lack of satisfaction in the area of hoped-for apologies.
I know the adult thing would be to address the person directly as soon as possible following the "injury," but I'm too afraid that my hurt feelings will come out as angry words and permanently injure whatever relationship I'm dealing with (as I type this I'm realizing there is a very different standard for my husband and I'm not sure if it's a positive or negative indicator of the status of our relationship). I've never had a lot of friends at any given moment in time, so I hold tight to the friendships I have. But while I'm stewing about my hurt feelings, I wonder what it says about me and those friendships that I can't be honest in the moment...that I can't say, "hey, this hurt my feelings."
And just where are they going to get all that money?
And exactly who is getting paid?
And who is going to be responsible for oversight of this mammoth project?
“Just as we should have asked more questions about weapons of mass destruction six years ago before we found ourselves in this war,” Mr. [Senator Richard J.] Durbin [of Illinois, the No. 2 Democrat] said, “we need to ask questions today about where this is leading.”
The "plan" is three pages long. That's it. It started out as ONE page but was revised to add some additional language. $700 billion at stake and they only have time to think enough to write out three pages?!?! I deal with teeny tiny county contracts every day that have 40+ pages. Are our elected officials even doing their jobs anymore? It's clear they haven't put any REAL THOUGHT into this bailout plan.
By very crude math, I propose the following bailout...hand out $700 billion to the TAXPAYERS...every one of approximately 302 million people in the United States would get about $2300. I think that would stimulate the economy quite a bit. Don't you?
Quite honestly, I never thought I'd see the day my brother settled down to have kids. But he and his fiancee are expecting!
I know it's a long road and it's very early in the pregnancy (11weeks), but I can honestly say that I'm happy for them and the old demons aren't haunting me right now. I think I'm evolving!
It's been QUITE a week. So let's see what my pea-sized brain can remember that was worth commenting about. -------------------------------------- Female lawyers, on average, make 77.8% less than their male counterparts. Nice. -------------------------------------- Steve was particularly perturbed at the tree that fell on his DISH Network dish last Sunday, knocking out television service just as he was settling in to watch the Cleveland Browns. In fact, he was willing to go out.in.the.storm.with.a.chainsaw to try to restore tv service. I gently reminded him (what-the-f***-are-you-doing-out-there-a-tree-could-fall-on-your-hard-head!?!?!) that it could wait and we would survive without television.
Electricity was restored on Tuesday evening. Wednesday morning's hot shower was WONDERFUL! Television service was not restored until yesterday and sadly for my tv-head family, I so enjoyed the week that I have now developed a plan to lessen the amount of time we sit in front of that idiot box. -------------------------------------- Sam left school early due to illness for the very first time this week. He was out running around at recess (before lunch) causing his reactive airway to act up. When he sat down at the lunch table he was coughing too hard and he made himself sick. Poor kid suffered the second worst embarrassment one can face in elementary school (the first being the potty accident of course...I STILL remember Tracy Tinkles...poor girl...I wonder how she is today...we were so cruel).
It was, however, kind of funny because I had not been able to get Sam's medical permission form signed by his doctor and therefore was forbidden from bringing his inhaler to school. They still don't have the form but they have now allowed me to leave his inhaler for his use anyway. In fact, the nurse REQUESTED it. Guess a little vomit here and there can work in my favor. -------------------------------------- I've been working hard on the MOM Project. This past week I sent out 56 Commemorative Birth Certificates and/or Recognition of Life certificates. I was feeling kind of burned out by this when I attended a seminar on effective communication for lawyers. One portion of the seminar was about persuasion and the inclusion of people in the decision-making process. People want to help others. In fact, helping other people releases serotonin in the brain making us feel good. I think this selfish desire to feel good (or at least better) is what has motivated me to keep working at these volunteer activities. -------------------------------------- Also headlining my effective communication seminar...me in tears.
It is apparently impossible for me to "silently listen" to anyone talk about death or children. For some reason my brain switches into hyper-drive whenever one of these topics is brought up and I can't turn off the thinking. I'm not sure if my life experiences have re-wired my brain permanently (I hope not), but it is interesting to be aware of what is happening and at least have a chance to TRY to focus outside of myself. I was, unfortunately, not very successful at this exercise during the seminar and the voice inside my head screaming, "YOU CAN NOT DO THIS! YOU CAN NOT FACE THIS HERE!" got the better of me. Can I tell you how unattractive it is to snot all over a stranger? -------------------------------------- I met the Ohio Secretary of State, Jennifer Brunner, the other day. I hope this year's election doesn't highlight Ohio's mistakes again (and I'm going to do whatever I can to help my county avoid any serious gaffes)...but if we do have trouble, I feel much more comfortable knowing the lady who is in charge. She is an interesting and smart lady. -------------------------------------- I need a Jedi costume for Sam for Halloween...but I'm cheap. I wonder if I could make one? -------------------------------------- Sam's not allowed to watch television until he cleans his room. He just said to me, "Mommy, Myles wants to watch a show...can I watch it with him?" My goodness, that kid is cute! -------------------------------------- My CVS total out of pocket for this week was $41.96 for: 1 can powdered similac ($2 off coupon on can) 2 jugs premade similac (sale 2/$10.99) 1 six-pack premade similac individual serve 2 cover girl lip glosses (BOGO coupon) 2 glade apple air freshener (BOGO coupon) Spent $9 extracare bucks and got back $3 extracare bucks -------------------------------------- Myles' first trip to the beach was with Steve and Sam...and not me. *sigh* -------------------------------------- Myles did a header on the living room laminate floor and gave himself a temporary fat lip. There was blood. It wasn't pretty and I learned a valuable lesson about putting him down on the hard floor (don't do it). -------------------------------------- "Go wake your father up."
"Why, are we going to McDonalds?"
I think we go to McDonalds too much. -------------------------------------- My aunt called to ask me if there is anything out of my grandmother's house I would like to have because they are "cleaning it out." I assume they plan to sell it for grandma since she is permanently in a nursing home due to dementia. She is my only living grandparent and it seems ridiculous to ask for a coffee mug when the only thing I would really like would be to turn back time for her...for all of us. -------------------------------------- Sam joined the cub scouts and his first activity is selling popcorn to raise money for a campout. If anyone wants to order (I believe we're in the OH-Greater Cleveland Council), let me know via email. -------------------------------------- A sick kid saying, "I think I need to throw up," can strike fear into the hearts of the most seasoned of parents. I learned that Sam, if nothing else, is a man of his word...he did have to throw up. I think I can live without eating cheese for a while. --------------------------------------
Pardon the blog silence. The power went out at home on Sunday evening thanks to the remnants of Hurricane Ike and was just restored last evening. A hot shower never felt so good as the one this morning.
I did one trip to CVS this week...for me. Absolutely nothing we HAD TO have. But I justified it in order to satisfy my strong desire for candy and nailpolish.
CVS #1 2 Revlon Nail enamels 1 Renuzit Tri-scent starter kit 4 bags lifesavers candy 1 Hershey Cacao Reserve chocolate bar ---------------------- $16.88 spent $15.38 saved Plus I received $9 in ECBs to spend at a later date.
I really need to get a handle on the grocery situation around here. I've been tired and running ragged so I haven't wanted to cook. That has led to too many meals out...which is far too expensive for a decent budget. This week I hope to get it back under control and get back in the kitchen.
"As for any concerns about the actual delivery process, Laila (Ali) is her usual outspoken self, laughing, "Now if I was the first woman in the world having a baby, I'd be scared to death!" However, she says she's feeling optimistic about the situation. "I have never experienced it for myself, but I see all of these other women that I know are nowhere near as strong as I am, physically, emotionally, mentally. So if they can do it, so can I."
"There's going to be pain," the 30-year-old says realistically. "My thing is learning the ways to reduce that pain, and be in control of yourself so you're not making it worse and working against yourself. I feel like I have an advantage just with my mind-set and with my experiences as an athlete and knowing my body."
"Although mom and baby are both healthy and happy, there were some surprises during labor that altered Laila’s birth plan."
I not-so-nicely thought, "Now maybe she understands it's not about "advantages" and who is better prepared. I wonder if she'll talk about these "surprises" and acknowledge how absolutely arrogant she sounded before?"
Actually, I really thought, "Now maybe she'll shut the hell up."
How do you make them understand the importance of school? homework? grades? the "permanent file?"
I have always felt stress over school. While I did reasonably well in the grade department, it never came easy like it did for some of my friends and I always felt like a bit of a fraud because of it. I could hang with the smart kids, but I wasn't as smart as they were...I'm still not. A's were work and I felt disappointment with myself if I didn't get them.
In college several professors tried to teach me that it wasn't so much about the letter grade as it was what I LEARNED! A novel concept that freed me only slightly from the stress of attending classes and feeling unprepared. I couldn't fully commit to the idea because, after all, if it weren't about the letters they wouldn't give them, right?
Things didn't improve as my education continued. My law school career was peppered with smart ass comments from colleagues who I knew would get bigger and better jobs than I would. I was fine with that. I had a husband and a job and my focus was split. As long as I passed, I was happy to be on track for my "good" job...but not a "great" job.
But that's me. Now I have a child and I have to figure out how to teach him about the importance of these things without setting him up for the stress I felt all those years. He's in first grade now and things are different. Homework counts. Remembering things is important. Being responsible for your own achievements is an important lesson.
Tuesday he went to school without his backpack because he had left it in the minivan after Monday pickup. Today he went to school without the homework that was due today because he hurried while getting ready for school in the morning and didn't actually get the folder IN the backpack (found it lying on the kitchen floor when we got home after school). He was apparently not the only child who forgot their homework today and the teacher is giving them a "second chance" to turn it in tomorrow. I tried to talk to him about it and he says he cares. But I feel frustrated that he's not getting the significance and he may NOT get the significance until it's report card time and it's just too late to do anything about it. I don't want to freak him out, but I want him to understand WHY he needs to do better.
aaagghhh! Why can't this parenting gig come with a manual?
Perhaps it goes without saying that I believe in the geographic cure. Of course you can't out-travel sadness. You will find it has smuggled itself along in your suitcase. It coats the camera lens, it flavours the local cuisine. In that different sunlight, it stands out, awkward, yours, honking in the brash vowels of your native tongue in otherwise quiet restaurants. You may even feel proud of its stubbornness as it follows you up the bell towers and monuments, as it pants in your ear while you take in the view. I travel not to get away from my troubles but to see how they look in front of famous buildings or on deserted beaches. I take them for walks. Sometimes I get them drunk. Back at home we generally understand each other better.
So at the end of February, when I was seven months pregnant, we took the train from Albany to New Orleans, where I'd been invited to give a reading. …
At a reception that week, I was chatting with the exceptionally lovely, soft-spoken woman who'd donated the money for the program that had brought me there. We sat in folding chairs against a wall, a few feet from the buffet table. Just small talk. She asked me how my pregnancy was going. Then she said, “I was so sorry when I heard about your first child. My first child was stillborn, too.”
My heart kicked on like a furnace. Suddenly tears were pouring down my face.
“Oh no!” said the woman. “I didn't mean for that to happen!”
I laughed and grabbed some napkins from the table and tried to explain myself, though even now it's hard to find the words. What came over me was gratitude and an entirely inappropriate love. I didn't know the woman, but I loved her. I'd felt the same thing meeting another couple on campus, a professor and his wife who'd written me when Pudding died to send condolences and to say that they'd had a daughter who was stillborn nearly 30 years before.
All I can say is, it's a sort of kinship, as though there is a family tree of grief. On this branch the lost children, on this the suicided parents, here the beloved mentally ill siblings. When something terrible happens, you discover all of a sudden that you have a new set of relatives, people with whom you can speak in the shorthand of cousins.
Twice now I have heard the story of someone who knows someone who's had a stillborn child since Pudding has died, and it's all I can do not to book a flight immediately, to show up somewhere I'm not wanted, just so that I can say, It happened to me, too, because it meant so much to me to hear it. It happened to me, too, meant: It's not your fault. And You are not a freak of nature. And This does not have to be a secret.
That's how it works. When a baby dies, other dead children become suddenly visible: Daughters and sons. First cousins. The neighbour kid. The first child. The last child. Your older brother. Some of their names have been forgotten; some never had names in the first place. They disappeared under heaps of advice. Don't dwell. Have another child, a makeup baby. Life is for the living. But then another baby dies, and here they are again, in stories, and you will love them all, and – if you are the mother of a dead child yourself – they will keep coming to you. A couple I know just lost their baby. And you will know that your lost child has appeared somewhere else in the world. I know a couple …
All those dead children. Who knows what they want?
In our better moments, we surely understand that the dead do not need anything. Afterlife, no afterlife: the dead have their needs taken care of. Oh, but isn't wanting things something else again, and don't we talk about it all the time. It's what he would have wanted. Her last wishes. Thank God for the dead; thank God someone is capable of making a decision in the worst of times: He would have liked it that way.
But a baby. Who's to say? Babies are born needing everything. They're a state of emergency. That's what they're for. Dead, there's nothing we can do for them, and we don't know what they'd want, we can't even guess. I can pretend that I knew Pudding. No, I did know him, not with my brain but with my body, and yet I know nothing about him, not even the simplest thing: I have no idea of what he'd want. And so in my grief I understand that mourning is a kind of ventriloquism; we put words into the mouths of our bereavers, but of course it's all entirely about us, our wants, our needs, the dead are satisfied, we are greedy, greedy, greedy, unseemly, self-obsessed. If your child did not survive his birth, everyone can see that clearly. I want. I need. Not him. No pretending.
I thought stillbirth was a thing of history, and then it happened to me, and yet now when I hear of a baby dying I'm just as incredulous. You mean they still haven't figured this out? I want to hear about every dead baby, everywhere in the world. I want to know their names, Christopher, Strick, Jonathan. I want their mothers to know about Pudding.
The dead don't need anything. The rest of us could use some company.
(I copied this from the Globe and Mail so that it will be here when, in time, the Globe and Mail deletes it from their server. It shouldn't get lost and I want it to be a part of my archives here. I will be seeking out this book, for sure.)
As I drove to work the other morning, I saw the same four Percherons I see every morning out in the same field where I always see them. Only this morning, there was a fog just lifting from the field and they stood there seemingly surrounded by a cloud...and I felt inspired. I was sad I hadn't brought my camera with me because the urge to take advantage of the photo opportunity was almost overwhelming. It would have been a beautiful shot...
I've had a hard time writing recently. Mostly because I don't know what to write about. I'm not a creative writer and have, to be honest, always dreaded creative writing assignments. I would break out in a cold sweat in school when the English teacher would announce creative writing time. I am, I have discovered, an emotional writer. I write from a place of passion...writing with abandon about those things I care most deeply about...censoring out all the "irrelevant" bits of my life (I figure the drudgery of my life is enough while I'm living it that I don't want to re-hash it in words that will record it forever). When the writing comes easy it is because I don't have to think about what I want to say. It just happens because I am inspired.
So I'm left with the question...what inspires me to write today? Like those grand horses in the mist, I'm on the lookout for those moments that inspire me to form words into sentences and air it all out in the open.
I forgot my lunch...not much inspiring about that.
With school and soccer starting this past week, I totally spaced and forgot to send out a thank you to my Secret Pal! She sent me a great "take care of me" package with an adorable teabag charm and caddie, a lemon slice teapot drip catcher, some yummy Dionis Sugar Hollow Spice goatmilk soap, a Hershey's lip balm and a BIG bar of actual Hershey's (which was a little soft from shipping...but once it resolidified in the fridge was immediately scarfed down). It was just lovely and I really appreciate it. You've been a supremely wonderful secret pal sending emails and virtual cards and all kinds of wonderful things in the snail mail. Thank you! I can't wait to find out who you are and read all about you on your blog!
The rush this week was finishing the Huggies wipes deal before the end of August. Now we're all stocked up and this should be my last week of CVS deals for a while. All other toiletries are stocked for a two month supply also.
Grocery store (two trips) Baby formula $14.52 (tossed the receipt before taking note of savings) $46.44 out of pocket Saved $8.77 We ate out three times this week. So while we didn't do much grocery shopping, and saved, we didn't save as much as we could have if we hadn't eaten out so much. Also, our savings could have been greater, but I bought Steve beer and splurged on the expensive hot dogs (without a coupon)...plus I HAD to buy some things to supplement my pantry and make complete meals.
I really do love the stock up mentality. I bought all our pepsi on sale a week or two ago and haven't had to buy any since now that the price is back up.
---------------------------------------- Check the facts and the candidates on the issues for yourself. ---------------------------------------- Got a giggle out of Campbell Brown asking Tucker Bounds to name one decision Sarah Palin has made as Commander in Chief of the Alaskan National Guard (about 2:15 in). For the record, I would have gotten the same giggle if it were a Democratic idiot doing the tap-dance.
---------------------------------------- And giggles...Jon Stewart...I must remember not to be drinking anything when I watch his show. I think I've choked on Diet Pepsi more in the last two weeks than I imagined I would in my entire life. Funny funny funny stuff. ---------------------------------------- Everyone should read this editorial about Sarah Palin and our reactions to her.
For my part, I will not question Sarah Palin's loyalty to her family...or the decisions she has made. I will not question whether she should or should not be running for Vice President. That is a matter for her and her family to decide. The fact is, she IS running for Vice President and we've got bigger issues to talk about.
Which brings me to the topic of "experience." We have, in our society, a strange sense of things. We claim that we do not like it when government operation is removed from the common person. But when a common person runs for office we yell and scream, "But...but...but...they're not QUALIFIED...they're JUST LIKE ME!" Elitism knows all political parties apparently.
Seriously...Obama isn't qualified by any standard I would use to hire someone. Neither is Sarah Palin. Hell, I probably wouldn't trust any of them to run my office if I were hiring. They all have problems with their resume that would cull them out in the first round of HR screenings. But if experience were to have been a requirement, it would have been written into the Constitution (it's not...I checked).
So...I make this pledge here...You won't ever hear me compare "experience" or "qualifications" of political candidates for office. Because, really, who among us is ever totally qualified (except maybe a previous officeholder)? I wasn't qualified for my job...but I do a pretty good imitation of someone who was. And sure, my job is different from the presidency/vice-presidency. But do we really think that those two positions are at the mercy of just those two individuals who hold those offices? I'm under no illusions as to how it works. Advisors, consultants, staff and cabinet members...those are the people who are running our country. I'm more concerned that Karl Rove will be invited back to the White House than I am who actually sits at the desk in the Oval Office.
Now let's talk ISSUES people! ---------------------------------------- My only comment on Bristol Palin's pregnancy...a comment TO Bristol Palin...
The world will judge you harshly, and for that I am sorry. This should be a time of happy dreams and plans for you. I hope you are able to find some of that with the people you love and the people who love you. Yes, your life is about to change dramatically...you have no idea how much. Most likely you are not ready...not because of your age...but because (if we are honest with ourselves) none of us is ever truly ready for parenthood. But no matter the path your life takes, you now and forever will be a mother. It is a magical journey and I wish you well on it. ---------------------------------------- The DNC "CHANGE" signs were cheesy, but the RNC "COUNTRY FIRST" signs with "PROSPERITY" on the flip side are just out of this world. ---------------------------------------- The NYTimes did a word cloud from the speeches of the Presidential candidates. That, in and of itself, says something about our society, don't ya think? ---------------------------------------- It is clear that even our political process has fallen victim to the easy laugh. When you don't have anything of substance to say, make fun...mock...use sarcasm. Now, I appreciate a good sarcastic sense of humor as much as the next person...but I'm pretty sure that's not the best quality for the leader of the free world (or his VP). ---------------------------------------- ***the end of political talk for this edition of Miscellaneous Thoughts*** ---------------------------------------- Yes, yes, I am the freak clipping coupons while sitting in my lawn chair at my son's soccer practice. Don't laugh. ---------------------------------------- Government office faux pas...no, you can NOT have an Obama 08 sign in your window. ---------------------------------------- To the man at the mall play place who asked me, a complete stranger, if I could watch his daughter "just for a minute" while he ran to Kmart...
It only takes a minute...you should remember that. ---------------------------------------- I find myself watching my son's soccer practice with a critical eye. It's not that I can do better...in fact, I know I couldn't. I'm not an athlete and I never played team sports. So I don't really have any right to say anything. But I seemingly can't help myself.
Oh, I'm not worried about his performance...though I do think he could stand to move a little more/faster and not be so timid when attacking the ball. I'm worried about his behavior. I find myself saying things like "pay attention" and "stop talking and listen" and "don't dig gopher holes in the middle of the soccer field."
My son is not what one would call attentive. He gets bored easily and tends to spout off his mouth at inappropriate times. Sound like anyone you know? Yes, he takes after me in all the wrong ways and it makes me really uncomfortable to see my bad qualities reflected in my son. I'm a stellar parent, obviously, and my child is going to need therapy before he's seven years old. *sigh* ---------------------------------------- Internal debate: Is it worth it to drive an hour to get double coupons up to $2 at Kmart? Could potentially mean cheap and free items... ---------------------------------------- Shipping a photo canvas via FedEx from here to Australia at the cheapest rate = $425
UPS was slightly more reasonable at $275.
No, I'm not joking. ---------------------------------------- Dying paper is tricky business. Must move fast or drips and smudges will ruin the end product. ---------------------------------------- Soccer at 9am in the rain when it's 74 degrees out...after a long night of dealing with a screaming baby...not so fun. ----------------------------------------
When you say bad things about "government" you are saying bad things about me. Because I am part of that government you despise.
I do not make a lot of money but I take very seriously the duty with which I am charged. I spend every day working to better all our lives.
I am open to suggestion but I do not take kindly to verbal attacks on my character or my motivations.
So watch the broad brush you use when you paint such an ugly picture of government. You may meet me in a courtroom some day. And while I always try to be fair...I am only human.
