One of THOSE posts

This is one of THOSE posts. You have your warning.

The breastfeeding is...how shall I say?...done. Fini. The end. And while I could write all about how sad it makes me, I feel I owe myself the truth. It was time and I am glad to be done. Not so glad about the formula stains on the clothes (will definitely be taking a break from Gymboree...even second-hand Gymboree deserves better), but definitely glad to be done.

Breastfeeding this time around was easy. I attribute most of our success to my extreme gratitude. When you long to hold a baby...when you go through what we did...it's easy to slow down and savor every moment. I remember with Sam I was in such a hurry. I had so much to DO that I didn't want to be bothered with the nursing business. It took too much time out of my schedule. Looking back now, I realize I just didn't "get it." But this time there was none of that. The house isn't clean. The lawn isn't mowed. There is little progress on the crafting and other activities. It was nine months devoted to helping this new little baby grow. I loved it.

And now it's not like that because I'm ready to get going and, more importantly, because MYLES is ready to get going. He is no longer interested in the nursing snuggle or falling asleep at my breast (just typing that causes a tear to appear in my eye). He's ready to go go go and I want to let him. He prefers a bottle to my boob...to feed himself rather than snuggle in and be fed. I guess I'm just too lazy to fight him on it. Yes, there is a bit of the old failure-minded part of me that realizes I could have worked to continue providing expressed breastmilk (instead of formula) for the remainder of the "critical" first year. But all the breastpump was doing was creating stress for me. I could pump all day and not make enough for the three 8-ounce bottles Myles needs for daycare each day. It was frustrating and made me anxious...it's a relief to not have to deal with that anymore.

So a beautiful nine month chapter closes with some tears and a sigh of relief.

Here's to new adventures!

Heard at my house

Let's get something straight. Your father and I do not respond to a system of snaps or claps or snorts. If you want something, please use words...and your manners. Thank you.

Fiona

Miscellaneous thoughts

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Dave Freeman, co-author of "100 Things to Do Before You Die," a travel guide and ode to odd adventures that inspired readers and imitators, died after hitting his head in a fall at his home. He was 47.

Life is short. Go out and do something adventurous.
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So much to do...so little time to do it. And these damn cats keep meowing at me making me feel guilty for not picking them up and snuggling with them. Naturally, I have to make sacrifices for the furbabies...right?
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"Barack Obama's speech was inspiring." That's all I said.

And then came the predictable immediate response, "I just don't like him because..."

Did I ask? No.

Do I care? No.

You can like whoever you like and vote however your conscience leads you. But that doesn't change the fact that Barack Obama's speech was inspiring.
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Speaking of politics...educate yourself.
A full list of Barack Obama's votes
A full list of John McCain's votes
(And seriously...cruise around that washington post site for a lot of valuable information on all congressmen and congresswomen)
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Last one on politics...I promise...
Sarah Palin? She's a Republican, so I'm already inclined not to like her (just kidding)...but beyond that I know very little about her. What I do know, I do not like. And I have to wonder WHY he picked her. Of all the qualified women in the Republican party, why her?
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Steve and I missed soccer signups for Sam. So I sent frantic emails and made hysterical phone calls to the powers that be like any good mom would do. We made it ON.THE.VERY.LAST.DAY. before the secretary was turning in the money to the state organization. I am supermom this year! I rock!
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We have never taught our six-year-old about God or the Bible or anything remotely religious. We just didn't know what to tell him. I guess that says a lot.
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This week our Animal Protective League volunteers avoided an order to euthanize by moving 30+ dogs to rescue. It is happy news, but that's just a drop in the bucket of the need we face. The threat of being "put to sleep" (what an awful euphemism) still looms for so many animals still remaining in our shelter. Why can't people just figure it out and get their pets altered so we don't have so many unwanted animals in shelters?
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I want to take a photography class, but I can't find one that would be easily squeezed into my life schedule. So I guess I will stick a pin in that as something that will have to wait until the kids are older and less dependent on me.
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This week was the first week of school (started on Tuesday). The first week of a new schedule is supposed to be tough. But this...I LIKE this. I'm up early (ok, that part I don't like too much) and at work at 7 (or shortly after). I have a full hour in the office before anyone else during which I can make coffee, eat breakfast, and read without interruption. I work straight through until 2:55 when I get to leave to pick Sam up from school. Because Myles is at daycare until his father picks him up right now, Sam and I get time together without baby interruption. It's actually quite lovely and has me rethinking the plan for when Myles moves daycare locations in October.

Our daycare is opening another center closer to where we live and Sam and I will be able to pick Myles up after school. With how nice this schedule is, I'm thinking that we might just alternate days and pick Myles up early two or three days a week, but leave him at daycare until Steve can pick him up on the other days a week. Does that make me a horrible mom?
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The Banana Splits are coming back to tv! Awesome!
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We won't discuss what I found in my bathroom. I will say that it was thanks to my husband. That's all you need to know.
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Frugal Friday

Deals this past week:

CVS #1
3 playtex starter pack 8 oz nursers
3 king size kitkat candy bars (bad impulse buy for nutritional AND value reasons)
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$8.15 out of pocket
$12.12 saved
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CVS #2
4 12-packs of diet pepsi
2 boxes Kellogs Raisin Bran Crunch
1 newspapers
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$16.08 out of pocket
$15.65 saved
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Rite Aid #1
5 12-packs of diet pepsi
2 18oz Jif peanut butter
1 Duck EZ start packing tape
2 oust surface/air clean
1 4-pack Duracell D batteries
2 3-pack Schick Quattro razors
1 Pert Plus shampoo/conditioner
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$30.96 out of pocket
$18.48 saved
Anticipated rebates of $4.50
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Rite Aid #2
1 Gillette Body wash (with free face wash trial)
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$3.77 out of pocket
$1.00 saved
Anticipated rebate of $2.00
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Walgreens
2 bags Brach's candy corn
5 12-packs diet pepsi
2 12-packs angel soft double rolls
2 boxes (60) puffs
2 Glade scented oil refills
4 crest w/scope toothpaste
2 glade scented oil plug-ins
2-pack Lysol wipes
2 10.3oz Dawn dishwashing detergent
1 suave aerosol antiperspirant
2 8-pack crayola crayons
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$51.47 out of pocket
$39.62 saved
Anticipated rebates of $6.50
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CVS #3
2 36-count Stayfree Ultra
2 Colgate 360 toothbrushes
1 CVS mouthwash
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$4.32 out of pocket
$20.61 saved
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CVS #4
1 100-count Playtes drop-ins liners
1 Huggies newborn wipes (mega)
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$8.72 out of pocket
$8.80 saved
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Grocery store
$144.44 out of pocket
$53.59 saved
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Total out of pocket $267.91 (almost half of which was groceries)
Total saved $169.87 (another trip to the grocery store with extra left over)
$13 earned in rebates (delayed savings)

Lessons learned...
1. Pay attention to coupon expiration dates.
2. If you see a sale and you have the coupon, go for the deal. Next week may be better...but it probably won't.
3. Take ALL your coupons with you when you shop, even if they're not part of your planned deal. You never know when you'll see an unadvertised special and think, "I have a coupon for this that would make it a killer deal...but it's at home."
4. Rather than planning a menu each week and shopping for the menu, adjust your grocery store shopping mentality to stock up when there is a good sale and then plan your menu from what you already have in the freezer/pantry. Use fresh veggies and fruits to add variety. Stock up on non-grocery items too...deoderant, toothpaste, etc. Nothing ruins a budget more than that, "Hey, honey, I'm almost out of shampoo and deoderant." But it on sale and keep it in the cupboard so you're not stuck paying full price when he runs out.
5. Shop small deals more often. You save more money than trying to do all your shopping in one trip. Gas cost is a consideration, but I'm usually in town two or three times a week anyway, so I just plan to shop then.
6. COMPARE PRICES. A deal at CVS is only a deal if it beats the deal at Rite Aid on the same item.
7. Baby formula is crazy expensive. So stock up when it's on sale. This is part of what caused the high grocery bill this week...and I suspect it will be similar when I stock up on diapers.

Read and follow other peoples' tips for saving money.

I am thankful

Tash wrote a great entry over at Glow in the Woods and she asked

In retrospect, comparatively speaking (or perhaps not at all), are you at all, remotely, even a teeny bit thankful for anything that happened surrounding the death of your baby/-ies? And believe me, it's fine if you say "No. Not a fucking thing. Are you crazy?"

This is a subject I've been thinking about lately.

I AM thankful but I just haven't been able to say it.

The words are stuck in my throat like a big piece of soggy half-chewed bread and I just can not choke them out. I tried once or twice to no avail...ripping up multiple thank you cards...deleting more than one thank you email...nearly hyperventilating at the thought of saying thank you in person.

I can't get over the tail end of the thank you...Thank you for (insert kindness here) after my baby died.

I can't help but feel like I shouldn't HAVE TO be thankful and therefore I resent that I AM thankful. Everytime I think about being thankful to anyone, I can't help but finish it with, "But I hate it...every bit of it." It doesn't make sense outside of my head, I'm sure.

Lately, though, it has felt like now is the time to let the qualifiers go and just be thankful. So let's see what I can do here...

I am thankful for my husband for a million different reasons.

I am thankful that my pregnancies with both boys were easy (some might say perfect). I am thankful for the time I got to know and share space with them.

I am thankful for the nurses who talked with us and not AT us. They made us feel normal when this big horrible abnormal thing was happening to us. I am thankful they took the time to anticipate that we would want footprints and photographs.

I am thankful that giving birth to Alex and Travis did not require surgery. It was hard enough leaving the hospital without my babies. I do not think I could have survived if I had to recover from a c-section as well.

I am thankful for the doctor who delivered Travis and his understanding that I could not cope with milk production. I do not remember the name of the drug, but it is my opinion that it should be prescribed to every loss mama.

I am thankful for the funeral director and his assistant (whose son's name is Alex) for their kindness. I am thankful they gave me a lock of Alex's hair to keep and placed a few treasured possessions from his family with him.

I am thankful for my family who stood by me and offered me their love, knowing I wasn't capable of returning it at the time. They loved me when I was at my worst and I know my worst was pretty bad. I am thankful they remembered who I was and saw me through to who I am.

I am thankful for those who stood beside us as we buried our sweet baby boys.

I am thankful for our friends in real life and online who called or emailed or sent us snail mail. They surrounded us with love and support and kind words. We weren't nice to be around and yet they remained tenacious in their belief that we were worth it.

I am thankful for my job and my many volunteer distractions. It kept my mind from sinking into the deepest darkest pit that ever existed for me.

I am thankful for the answers as to the biologic reasons Alex and Travis died. They are scary and horrible and bring a lot of complicated guilt feelings with them. But having these answers is better than only having questions for the rest of my life.

I am thankful for a beautiful cemetery where I can go and experience peaceful moments thinking of our boys.

I am thankful Alex isn't alone.

I am thankful for my new perspective. Before this happened, I tended to think in terms of black and white...right and wrong...cause and effect. This has taught me that I don't have all the answers and I shouldn't be so quick to judge. It has softened me and made me a more empathetic human being.

I am thankful that I live in a place where this will most likely be the worst thing to ever happen to me.

I am thankful for Dr. A. and his kindness all last year while I was pregnant again.

I am thankful that this wasn't the end. I am thankful for our sweet Myles.

Whiskers on Wednesday

Introducing Anakin...

and Obi-Wan...

I love this guy

Joe Biden

It's almost funny how politicians work so hard to "find common ground" with the American voter while shared human experience is pushed into the background, to only be spoken of in hushed whispers. I did not know that Joe Biden lost his first wife and his young daughter in a car accident caused by a drunk driver. Below is a rare interview about the subject that he gave late last year. I am posting it here because it resonates with me, particularly the part about how many people are out there dealing with the shared experience of grief...putting one foot in front of the other. It reminded me of this little community we've developed here on the internet...all of us walking a similar path...one foot in front of the other.

Biden: Five years after this no one man deserves one great love, let alone two. I met and married my wife of 30 years who actually put my life back together again and put my family back together again.

But you know, when something like that happens to you. It's like there's a big black hole in your chest, and you feel like you're being sucked in to that black hole. You feel like there isn't anything that will ever get better again in your life. But my mom has an expression, she said God sends no cross that you cannot bear, and she said, I remember literally the week of the accident her saying "Joey, out of everything horrible something good will come if you look hard enough." And I thought that was the cruelest thing in the world someone could say, but it's true.

Obviously I wished it never, ever, ever happened, but my sons and I, it's like a steel belt that runs through our chest connecting us. My family is so strong, and I really believe and my wife Jill of 30 years believes that Neilia my wife, is looking down on us. You just never, it never leaves, but there comes a time and it happens earlier than you think, there comes a time when the memory brings a smile to your lips rather than a tear to your eyes. And so many people have gone through tough stuff, but I had family.

When I went through it I had people helping me. It has taught me that I have such intense admiration for people who are alone and these things happen to and they fight. There are so many people right outside this library, this morning got up, put one foot in front of the other, dealing with crisis that were similar to mine and they do. And they do it for their kids and they do it for their family and they do it without the kind of help I had. I was really lucky. I just had an awful lot of people to help me and they were my family.

I'm not very good talking about it as you can see, but I know there is a continuum. I know that God is -- there's a giant piece of my deceased daughter, a giant piece of my deceased wife that is in me and in my children and in my wife.

(link)

Ready to go

He's all set to go. We visited the school and found his new classroom. He tried out his new desk. Yesterday he got a new haircut. His bookbag is packed with all his carefully labeled supplies. He has money in his lunch account (so we don't have to worry about envelopes. I remembered a note stating that he wouldn't be riding the bus. I still have to get him new shoes and a note from the doctor for his inhaler use (please, please, please do not have an asthma attack today without it). I'm feeling ok after some early morning tears as I drove past the school on my way to work. We'll see what pickup this afternoon brings.

Mutt Monday

Camo

1st grade school supplies list

1. Box of 8 crayons only

We request only 8 crayons, as many directions are color coded, and it makes it less confusing for your child to follow the directions.

Apparently it is just presumed that when you enter the 1st grade, you are an idiot. But then again, I'm still confused by the difference between brown and burnt sienna. Can I blame my parents for sending me to school with more than 8 crayons in the first grade?

11. Container of Clorox Disinfecting Wipes

They're getting Lysol. I got a good deal and they're just going to have to live with it.

Tomorrow's assignment for mommy...find a blue pencil box. You know I'm going to encounter every color BUT blue, right?

Now...do you really think I need to put my child's name on each item as the supply list indicates? I really don't see myself trying to write his name on scissors...or a glue stick. But I will reluctantly break out the Sharpie if the consensus says that I must.

(By the way...keep your stories coming in the comments. I love knowing that I am not alone in my misery and they're really good for a laugh or two.)

Miscellaneous thoughts

I have tried and tried and tried to stick with regular features on this blog, but I guess I don't conform to structure so well.

Whiskers on Wednesday (there may be new additions coming soon...stay tuned)
Wordless Wednesday (which may or may not include whiskers)
Photo Friday
Frugal Friday
Miscellaneous thoughts (Friday)

I think I'm also going to institute a Mutt Monday to highlight a dog who needs adoption. Easy peasy...no thought entry each Monday. I should be able to do it, right?

And I think I'm going to do Perfect Moment Mondays. Near as I can tell, the only rule is to post a perfect moment on Monday (the moment doesn't have to actually happen on Monday).

I would love to participate in Thursday Thirteen, but am afraid I'm just not that interesting.
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"I don't want to go to first grade."

HELP ME!
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I just received an email advertisement for a $1200 chair called "the attorney chair." Clearly, these people do not understand the salary of a public servant.
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If you watch the TV show "Flipping Out," you'll be happy to know that Zoila made $10,000 on her portrait. I just want to know who bought that horrible thing.
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In the face of ever-increasing gasoline prices, I have had to limit my over-the-road animal rescue efforts. But I think it's going to end up being good for me, as I am now becoming much more active with my local shelter. Good works start at home, right?

However, it is so hard to come home at night knowing that those beautiful creatures must live and sleep (and possibly die) in that horrible shelter. It's a nice enough facility...but it's still a shelter.

See those guys over on the flickr badge on my sidebar? Aren't they sweet and cute and cuddly? They need homes.
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I found a job posting I am very interested in. I know I should stay where I am for now because of all the intangible benefits, but I hate this job. I really really hate it. I fear that if I have to suck it up and stay for much longer I just may go off my nut.
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I'm 36 years old and I feel silly...but I love facebook. Seriously. Stop laughing.
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Attention scrappers! I hate to tell people, because it lessens the odds of me winning, but there is an AWESOME contest going on at VanillaJoy. Add a comment and you're in! Easy peasy! And a fun blog to read regularly too!
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A new read

I have found a few new blogs to read today (as if my blogroll of 548 gets satisfactory attention already). This one is my favorite... Living Oprah.

Philosophical beliefs

I try not to talk about "right" and "wrong" parenting decisions here because I'm firmly entrenched in the "only you know what works for your family" camp (so long as we're not talking abuse or neglect). Breastfeeding/bottlefeeding, cloth/disposable diapers, pacifier/no pacifier, when to start solid foods, etc...all negotiable topics as far as I'm concerned.

But I'm going to break my own rule here and say that I think everyone should read this CDC Press Release about measles/vaccination.

And that is all I will say on this topic.

Let the 1st grade adventures begin!

So I spent all last year with the impression that it was the teacher. Now I'm beginning to think it's the whole school.

School starts Tuesday. As of today there are no teacher assignments mailed out...and no bus schedules posted or printed anywhere. It appears that communication is not this school's strong suit. We would most definitely change schools if this one weren't academically the best in our district (we can't afford private school).

So Steve called today and was informed that the teacher assignments "had just been made" and the bussing staff are having a meeting tomorrow (at which they will presumably finalize a schedule that will be posted online and printed in the paper). The school secretary very kindly looked up Sam's teacher assignment and told us that we could visit anytime with him in order to find his classroom, etc. She also "guessed" Sam's bus schedule "based on last year's bus schedule." Her "guess" leads us to believe he would be the first child picked up in the morning and would ride the school bus for almost an hour (to a school that is ten minutes away). A six-year-old on a bus for almost an hour sounds like a recipe for trouble to Steve and I. Looks like he's not riding the bus again this year.

Nice to know this stuff ahead of time. Did I mention that school starts Tuesday?

Where do I go from here?

"It's hard to guess where your life is going to be after something like this happens..."

Though the hospital commercial was about a woman who suffered a leg injury and was worried she would never go sailing again (big surprise...she's just fine thanks to the hospital), this bit jumped out at me. It's hard to guess where your life is going to be after something like this happens. Ain't that the truth? It's so hard to guess. I was frozen for what seemed like an eternity wondering who I was going to be AFTER. How I was going to live my life AFTER.

The jarring reality of today is that I am the same damn person I was BEFORE and my life hasn't changed a whole hell of a lot...and I'm not entirely sure I like it. In fact, I'm pretty sure I don't like it and that this is the source of my general feeling of dissatisfaction-with-life. Why? I LIKED my life before. So what's the problem now? Well...since you asked...

I'm pretty sure when something horrible happens to you and you spend SO much time wondering how you're going to take your next breath let alone go back to living...I'm pretty sure you should encounter SOME sort of meaningful change. I'm pretty sure you shouldn't just head back (albeit slowly and unenthusiastically) to that old life. I'm pretty sure there should be some benefit. Some insight. SOMETHING to make it seem like it was more than just a bump in the road.

Let's face it, my life is exactly how I left it. Maybe a little sadder...but with no major changes. And that just doesn't seem right somehow. Sure, I've made some minor changes. I now participate in activities I wouldn't have before. Charitable work comes easier. But my very soul was shaken to its core. Shouldn't there be something more?

I'm turning things around in my brain again. Who I am. Who I want to be. Where I am. Where I want to be. Where I was too grief-stricken before to really act on anything, I am now solidly sure of myself...I need a change. I need for Alex and Travis to have meant something in my life. I need for them to have shaped my being rather than just passed through it. I don't know why I need this...I just know I do.

Online signature

For those who have asked...

Signature creator

Job search

I will just say that it is very difficult, in this day and age, to find a legitimate job opportunity online. Maybe I'm showing my age, but I remember being able to access reputable online job databases that didn't include "work-at-home" or "investment" scams. Now, that's not to say that these scams weren't around way back when...I remember going to a very nice office building myself for an in-person "interview" that included a sales demonstration of a very impressive collection of kitchen knives (don't know if I ever confessed that one to anyone). But it seems the scammers have become more savvy with new technologies and have the ability to reach desperate job-seekers far and wide.

It's a shame, really. In the midst of the piles of crap, I found a couple really interesting (and legitimate) job opportunities that had escaped my notice. They're a bit old...but I think I'm going to apply anyway. Can't hurt to try. At least I know I won't be selling knives or making investments for a distant relative from Namibia.

Animal lover?

I was talking to husband, who was sitting here.

When I noticed something weird here.

His name is "mousey," and he was apparently just sunning himself a bit under the lamp.

Sam is now crying and saying, "I'm going to miss mousey." That kid has such a kind heart.

update:
The charm of this little tale wore off when Mousey #2 took up residence in the same lamp.

I'm an animal lover as much as the next gal...but come on!

(No mice were harmed during the filming of this event. All mice were returned to the wild from whence they came...hopefully to never return to this particular sunny vacation spot.)

(And yes...I do see the humor in the fact that the first thing I did was grab my camera and take pictures.)

6-year-old wisdom

Sam: Having a baby is almost like having a pet.

819.5

..."are we there yet?"
...miles driven this weekend.
...Starbucks we didn't stop at.
...pictures taken.
...pounds I weigh (looked at myself in those pictures...ack!).
...number of times I said, "Sam, no," or, "Sam, stop it," or, "Sam, behave."
...worries about the pets left at home with the petsitter.
...family members we haven't seen in years.
...number of times someone said, "Oh, the baby is just sooooo cute!"
...more dance moves our six-year-old knows than we do.
...french fries eaten in the name of collecting Star Wars Happy Meal toys.
...great memories created with Sam (Myles too, but he won't remember them).
...best wishes for the bride and groom.

14 years ago yesterday

Happy Anniversary to the slug who apparently totally forgot about our years of wedded bliss.

Guess you didn't figure out why I was in such a pissy mood last night, did ya?

(I know, I know...at least he's MY slug. Whatever.)

Thank you Secret Pal!

A lovely gift arrived in the mail yesterday from my secret pal in Tennessee (will I figure out your identity before the end of this thing?). GORGEOUS bamboo yarn from Southwest Trading Company in Sahara color. LOVE IT!

There was also this really cute little figurine of a mama turtle with a baby turtle on its back. Their heads and tails bob up and down on springs. I'd love to show it to you but Blogger is being extremely uncooperative in my effort to post a picture. You'll just have to take my word for it...it's adorable.

Email humor

It's not often I find something funny in my junk email box...but this made me giggle...

One of last week's emails contained a typographical error of one character, inadvertently creating an inappropriate message. Please know that it was a simple accident by one of our graphic artists, and that I sincerely apologize to any who noticed it.

Regards to all,
Patrick M. Byrne
CEO, Overstock.com

Don't you just wonder what it said?

You never know

We were pregnant together back in 2005 when it all went so terribly wrong. I have been jealous of her ever since. More than once I looked at her and thought, "She's got no problems. She's young and beautiful and has a cute little boy. She has no worries."

Today we had lunch together.

She has PCOS and is currently on Clomid and hasn't been able to conceive baby #2.

You just never know.

I want to ride some rides

"The fair isn't just about rides, you know."

So I decided it would be a good idea to introduce Sam to the agricultural way of life at the fair today. Now he wants a "bunny rabbit." ACK!

I guess there ARE worse things for a kid to get involved with than 4H. I'm just thanking my lucky stars that they aren't allowed to do rabbit projects until they are eight years old in our county. Maybe the novelty will wear off by the time he's eight. I just hope he doesn't decide pigs or cows are a good idea...

After all this time

"Your child is 27 months old"

Seriously...Huggies...enough already.

Now that's just wrong

Virtual chocolate.

Enjoy!

The world travelling doppler

I bought a doppler that arrived the day I returned from the hospital after Travis.

I lent it to a friend who had a beautiful baby boy.

It came back and I used it during my pregnancy with Myles.

I lent it to another friend who had a beautiful baby girl.

It has been returned.

I'm in the process of examining my own reaction to the darn thing (once I realized what was contained within the mailing box). So I guess the question is...Where does it go next? It seems a shame to stick it in the closet next to the Lovenox I'm storing for no known (sane) reason.

(I think I may start a new category for posts here...insane thinking...though that might be too depressing...as it seems I may then have to label EVERY post with that one)

Family-Grief-God-Hope

If you get a chance (and you feel strong enough), you should watch this interview with Steven Curtis Chapman and his family on Larry King Live. They talk about the tragic accident that caused the death of their daughter/sister, Maria, back in May...the family's journey along the path of grief...and their faith.

8 months and 2 weeks

"I can't believe I'm saying this because I can't believe it's true...but this boy doesn't have enough clothes."

Yes, we have finally reached that time where the insane baby clothes buying has dropped off and the baby is in NEED of new duds. Shopping because I HAVE TO...another milestone for Myles and mommy.

And please, let's not even consider the sad state of Samuel's wardrobe. Now I know how the traditional yearly "school shopping" pilgrimage came into existence...pure necessity.

Weird

My coworker has been pregnant and miscarried twice since September of 2007. Her doctor told her she has a giant fibroid that prevents embryos from implanting properly and she would need to see a fertility doctor. She has moral objections to reproductive assistance (I won't even comment) and was quite vocal about her reluctance to make the appointment. I'm not sure whether she ever did and/or if the fertility doctor helped her or not...but she is pregnant and due in February. She was so excited because at her most recent appointment they told her to "come back in four weeks" and she hasn't been told that in a very long time (her daughter is four years old). I'm excited for her. And yet I'm feeling weird about facing her progressing pregnancy on a daily basis. She's had a rough road and of all the women in my office I think she "gets it" the most. So what gives? More introspection to follow, I'm sure.

***edited to add***
As she was standing in the office today complaining about the smell of coffee making her sick, I realized...She's vocal and she's going to want to talk about it. The morning sickness...the maternity clothes...breastfeeding...

I want to run and hide.

Yesterday she asked me which was more adorable, "Your own baby or someone else's baby?" I was probably too brutally honest when I said, "I guess it depends on how much you WANT your own baby. No other baby seems as cute as Myles does."

I really need to learn to filter what comes out of my mouth.

Miscellaneous thoughts, Sunday/Monday edition

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Been having a rough time keeping up with life and this blog. I think I'm going through my midlife crisis early. Yes, it's early...and I dare anyone to say any different.

A few nights ago my husband and I sat in our bedroom together for over an hour and talked. No television. Only the hum of the portable air conditioner and the occasional update from Sam on his Playstation2 progress. It was lovely. Except for the fact that we talked about how unhappy we both are.

It's mainly professional dissatisfaction for him, I think. It is that and so much more for me. He jokes that my "chi is off," but that ain't far from the truth. It starts with, "I'm not a very good lawyer," and ends with, "I'm a fat cow and need to get my fat ass moving." Slippery slope anyone? It's a fun ride...until you get to the bottom and land your ass in the pool of self-pity and loathing anyway.

Anyway...things are a bit stagnant and I'm feeling the need to shake them up. I've had a bit of a realization. When I achieve one dream I need to work for another or I become bored. I don't know if that's something peculiar to myself or if everyone feels that way. But I know that just being happy is...well...dull and unsatisfying. It's like, "OK, jumped that hurdle, now what?"

So I'm kicking around a bunch of ideas with Steve. The list seems to be focused on a change of career so far. I just don't think I'm well suited to being a lawyer. Too many stupid rules that make no sense and affect the lives of people who need help and protection. Sometimes I just want to stand in a courtroom and scream, "Are you f*cking kidding me?" I fear that one day I may just lose it and actually say something to that effect (which would definitely result in an involuntary career change). Better to get out now, I think, and save myself any potential embarrassment.

Problem is, I have so much debt (much of it law student loan debt...yes, I do see the irony) that I'm too chicken-sh!t to take much of a risk. And, of course, there is the consideration of another child. If I have any intention of trying another pregnancy, I want to do it now...while working in my current office. The non-monetary perks are amazing and I know I wouldn't get them anywhere else.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see where this leads me. It should be interesting...if only to me.
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Speaking of another baby...funny story.

We went outlet mall shopping the other day and hit up a great sale at the Carter's outlet. I was there to shop for a friend, but I picked up a few things for Myles too. I mean, I couldn't resist the "Happy 1st Birthday to Me" onesie. He's going to be so stinkin' cute in it! But I digress...

It was dark by the time we headed for home. I thought Samuel had fallen asleep and Steve and I started talking (cute baby clothes will do it to you every time). I want another child...but I don't want to do the whole pregnancy thing again. Steve said he understood and I said he didn't understand jack. He said, "If you do get pregnant...all that fear..." And I said, "See, you're already to if I do get pregnant. I'm at, I don't want to be pregnant. The fear isn't even an issue...it's the injections in the stomach, the heartburn, the aches and pains, the hair falling out, the not being able to sleep. It sucked and I don't wanna do it."

Sam wasn't asleep. I know that because he informed us yesterday that he wants another baby so that he can take care of it..."but mommy doesn't want to it." I about snorted diet pepsi through my nose.
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I have many thoughts about the phrase, "This isn't right." For so long that phrase was my constant companion. Now it seems like blasphemy to say it out loud. But it is still true. How can that be?
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I fear I'm going to need to see a doctor soon for my gallbladder troubles. The wine and cheese party from the other night nearly did me in. Blech. I was hoping to avoid doctors for at least a year.
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Speaking of the wine and cheese party...while it was fun, I am so glad to have that done and over with. It was only the second time we have had a real social gathering for anyone other than family at our house. The first was the first summer after we moved in. So it's been seven years.

Have I ever mentioned my extreme social anxiety issues? I'm sure you could tell they were lurking in my psyche just from my incessant blogging about other people and what I fear they are thinking of me. If I were a psychiatrist I'd probably venture a guess that it had something to do with being betrayed by two of my best friends during my formative years. Nothing earth-shattering, just the lies that schoolchildren tell each other.

I will never forget the day my friend, Marie, told me she couldn't walk uptown to the library with me because she had to go home. I had a window seat on the school bus that day and remember oh-so-clearly the image of Marie standing on the sidewalk in front of the library, laughing with her other friend, Amber. It was then that I realized I couldn't trust any of my friends...no matter how dear. And that has screwed me up for years.

Even now, at age 36, I wonder what the ladies said when they left my house Thursday evening. I fear what judgments were made behind closed doors. I feel sick when I think about why some women chose not to attend. Surely their absence says something about me.

See? Insanity. A friend recently mentioned it is better if you don't assign motivation to people's actions. But I can't seem to help myself.
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I forgot to buy a newspaper last week and when I went through my coupon inventory I found a boatload of expired coupons. This money-saving thing...miss a week and it throws the whole thing off kilter.
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Myles has been a real joy lately and I blame teething. The rational side of me can't be upset with him because I know it's gotta suck to be in pain and feeling crappy. But if he doesn't stop screaming at me 24/7, I'm going to lose my mind.
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We had dinner at Eat N Park the other night. Another diner walked past us on the way to his table...carrying bagpipes.

All I could say was, "WHAT?!?!?!"
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I have to get a wedding gift for my cousin that I don't know very well (I don't know any of my cousins very well). Cash or gift cards are always ok, right? Or should I just pick something off her registry?

I did cave on the dress and bought one. I KNOW! Don't be disappointed. I'm still going to make the dress I planned to make...but this takes the pressure off. A girl can never have too many pretty dresses, right?
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There is this lady at work who makes awesome coffee in the morning. Then there is this other lady at work who makes awful coffee in the morning. The awesome coffee lady isn't in today. I can't just dump the bad coffee and make my own...can I? No. That would be rude. Right?
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The county fair is getting all set up in anticipation of opening tomorrow morning with a 9am flag raising. Just driving by the fairgrounds makes me smile. The rides sit silently waiting for screams of thrills and excitement. The food booths are all closed up...promising treats that are as unhealthy as can be. The animal barns are being loaded with energetic horses and big lazy cows. Cotton candy and motorcross...draft horses and goats...spin till you puke and sewing exhibits. I can't wait.
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Where did the time go?

The infant carrier was replaced today by a convertible carseat.

Whiskers on Wednesday (on Friday)

I missed Whiskers on Wednesday this week. But Shamus gave me a great shot this morning. Hey, even the furballs have to recover from a good party.

Thank you Secret Pal!

A green themed package arrived on my doorstep yesterday. Thank you!

It went well

My uncle had surgery today to remove a cancerous tumor from the back of his tongue. Do you KNOW how they remove cancerous tumors from the back of your tongue? No? Do not...I repeat...do NOT Google it.

The doctor said he "did well."

I sit here in the afterglow of a successful candle party and listen to my husband cuss as he attempts to reattach the recliner section of the sectional sofa...and it's all so normal.

And then I think of my aunt and uncle and what their day has been like. And while I never faced the threa of cancer, I remember uncomfortable hospital beds and pain and fear...and I remember that "well" is a relative term. I remember facing all these things while the rest of the world kept moving...cleaning houses and hosting candle parties...

I hope he really gets "well" soon. Because this side of things is SO much better than where he's at right now.

This much I know for a fact.

It's not all sunshine and roses

With every milestone, I am encouraged. Each accomplishment brings pride in him as his own person separate and distinct from myself, the mother and protector. I teach him lessons with hope...that he will grow to be a good boy and eventually a great man. I cheer for him when he needs support. I listen to him when he speaks. I give him the freedom I think he needs to learn to make responsible choices.

And then he slugs a little girl at daycare and makes her cry.

It all comes to a screeching halt and I replay as many memories from his short life as I can recall from the deep dark recesses of my brain. What happened? Is it about me? Did I miss something? Was there a misstep? If so...where? Is it about him? Is there something wrong with him that he would make this choice...to deliberately hurt another person? How did he not learn the lesson necessary to keep him out of this trouble? How did he not learn the lesson that we are all people and we are all precious and we are never never never to hurt each other if we can avoid it?

The circumstances aren't important. We don't hit. Ever. None of us...parents and children alike. We don't even hit another in gest or as a form of play (and at this age there is no reason for a discussion of self-defense). I thought the rule was simple and clear. I was either wrong or he fooled me. Either way...no privileges for a week.

The amusing thing is I JUST had a conversation with my colleague about her 3-year-old little boy and his issues with hitting and biting. Never again will I so confidently utter the words, "I just don't know what to say, I was very lucky with Sam...when I told him we don't hit, he accepted that."

I know, I know...it happens. I know it's a normal part of growing up. I know we will correct this behavior as well as I know that another will pop up to disappoint me eventually. It's just...*sigh*...

8 months and 1 week

"It's not fair. Why does Myles get...and I don't?"

Priceless

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New radiator
New "everything from the catalytic converter back"
New hoses

On a car that got a new transmission (when it was under warranty). And I'm pretty sure it had some brake work done in there somewhere (though I can't keep it all straight anymore).

Pretty soon I'll just be able to consider it a new car, right?
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Had a meeting today at which I was informed that I'm a liar and a scumbag because I'm a lawyer. Oh, and the person "isn't bitter," but if he saw me bleeding on the side of the road he'd, "drive right on by."

I had the very unprofessional urge to tell the jackass to bite me.
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Driving down the (state) road...ROAD CLOSED on a big orange sign.
No warning.
No detour.
No turnaround provided.
THIS is the story of my life.
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50% savings!

I did it! I made it to MORE than 50% savings!!!

This week at CVS:

~2 Similac Advance 32 oz ready-to-feed (we're still breastfeeding...but the stuff stores for a year and it's good to have just in case)
~4 12-packs diet Pepsi
~3 Glad scented oil candle refill packs
~1 Theater size whoppers candy
~2 All Free & Clear
~1 box Rice Krispies
~1 box Corn Flakes
~1 36ct always
~1 32ct always
~1 18ct always
~1 16ct always
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$42.63 out of pocket
Saved $47.70

PartyLite candle party

Where: My house
When: Thursday, July 31, 7:00pm
Why: Wine & cheese (yum!)
Email me if you want to buy something!

(Oh crap I have a LOT of stuff to do around this pit to get it ready for visitors!)

(And yeah...any helpful tips on hostessing this party...bring em on!)

Thieves and liars

We live in an age where it is expected that someone will steal something from us. Leave your doors unlocked and expect someone to come in and steal your television. Leave your car parked on the street and expect to return in the morning to find a shattered window and all valuables missing. Drop a wallet and expect it to be returned a few dollars lighter.

Despite my own life conditioning to expect it, I remember feeling horror back in 2006 when Bronwyn's home was burgaled and her Lydia's memory box was rifled through. No rhyme or reason...just someone rifling through what was not theirs and taking what they wanted for their own purposes with no regard for the pain they caused.

And our words are apparently no exception. If you put them out there...if you share them...they will eventually be stolen. Expect it. We are surrounded by thieves and liars. People who think it's ok to take something that isn't theirs. People who have no trouble stealing from a grieving mother who writes in tribute to her dead child.

I can not describe the anger I felt when I read of Kate's words being stolen...the outrage. I felt a surge of the old familiar grief anger. A night of restless sleep made me realize where it was coming from.

Dead baby, meet Internet newcomers. Internet newcomers, meet dead baby. His name was Liam. Not 'Dario', not 'Matteo'. LIAM.

You just don't steal from someone who has already lost so much. You just don't do it. You respect Liam's memory and you leave his mother alone. It's the only decent thing to do.

Is this how it happens?

Is this how it happens? One innocuous step...the start down the path toward old age starts with one tiny step?

Steve is watching Celebrity Family Feud and eating his dinner off a tv tray table in the living room.

(sigh)

Photos

A while back I wrote about the boys' first professional photos together.

Here are my favorites...

[removed because I'm feeling shaken by the latest turn of events with the sweet/salty blog and am not sure how I will ultimately react as it regards this blog.]

Economic stimulus?

How I spent my stimulus check.

Nice to see I'm not the only one who is hostile about the government patting themselves on the back for giving me back MY money.

I won!

Kate, hello! About seventeen million years ago, you very kindly contributed to a quilt raffle I was running to benefit some friends of mine who hoped to adopt. I'm embarrassed that it's taken so long to finish it up, but happy to tell you that you've won the quilt. Details and pictures are on my blog.

I'd love to get the quilt out to you this week, so can you please e- mail me your mailing address? I'll box it up and get it out ASAP.

Thank you SO much for your amazing generosity. It meant the world to this family, and I am so honored to have spurred it.

Julie
www.alittlepregnant.com

Actual conversation

(ring, ring, ring)

Me: Hello

Caller: Hello?

Me: Hello

Caller: Hello...this is so-and-so with such-and-such student loan company. First, I must inform you that this conversation may be recorded for quality assurance purposes.

Me: OK...

Caller: I'm just calling today to inform you that your student loan payment is 38 days overdue

(silence)

Me: ok...

Caller: ...in the amount of $x.xx

Me: Look, I've called...twice...I've emailed...I don't know how many ways I can tell you people that you will get your payment on the 25th. There was supposed to be a note added to my file the LAST time I called.

Caller: There is.

(silence)

Me: And yet you still called me about this?

Caller: When they put the note on the file they should have told you that the letters and calls would continue until payment was received.

Me: ok...

Caller: And the note does not say how much you intend to pay.

Me: I TOLD whoever it was I spoke to the last THREE times that the amount due would be paid in full. As soon as I have it, you'll have it. But I'm sure you will continue to call me in the meantime.

Caller: We will.

Me: (trying to suppress my laughter at this point)...ok...well...it's your dime.

Caller: Have a nice day.

Me: Yeah...you too...talk to you tomorrow.

Petal cones

I remember when Steve and I got married (way back when). His sister, M, was due with her first baby and unable to travel, but she wanted to be a part of our day. She made us birdseed roses in "our colors." I still have one or two in my cedar chest as momentos. Just thinking of those silly roses gets me a bit misty-eyed because it was such a special thing.

A dear friend is getting married in October and I've volunteered my time and crafty abilities to make her petal toss cones. I was hesitant at first because I don't really do much paper crafting other than scrapbooking. But given my love of all things wedding (someone needs to explain to my husband why I like to "watch the weddings of strangers on tv."), I thought I'd give it a try. If I wasn't successful I knew my friend would have time to order from a professional.

Here are my first attempts. I'm pretty sure I like the bigger size. But there are just too many paper choices (and let's not even discuss the limitless possibilities of RIBBON). Embossed "love" paper...pearlized "elegant" paper...opal dot vellum...translucent pastel vellum...

Of course, I'm sending them to the bride so she can decide if she likes any of them and maybe decide which she wants to use...but I'm always wondering what my dear internets think.

So...be brutally honest...favorite? least favorite? why?

Thank you Secret Pal!

I love everything! Thank you SO MUCH!



Love these postcards! They have such a vintage poster feel to them. I've already got plans to display them.

I am SO going to love you in real life! Nashville vacations! Awesome! We went way back when they were just building the "new" country music hall of fame. Had a BLAST! It's such a fun place to be! (Now you have to email me and let me know all the things you did while you were there.)


Bamboo! And purple! My FAVORITE!


Somebody went shopping on my Amazon wishlist! Thank you so much! And thank you for the gift certificate to Little Knits. I can't wait to shop!

Oh---Sam wants me to say thank you for the bubbles too. That was very sweet of you.

OH...and I'll just sneak this one in here...

Do you see that?!?! TEETH!!!

What's wrong?

I don't know. No...that's not true...I have an idea or two.

My mental state is such that I almost had a complete breakdown in JCPenney yesterday. We were late to my mom and dad's house to go out to dinner for mom's 60th birthday.

There was nobody at the photo counter to ring up my purchase of a picture frame (4x10 photos...don't EVER buy this size...no matter how adorable...because then you HAVE TO buy the frame from them as well).

Then I went to jewelry and wandered around, frustrated by my too-helpful son suggesting we get grandma a string of pearls ("that's not really grandma's style"..."what's style?"..."oh my god does he NEVER shut up?").

All the while, Myles was grunting. You know...THE grunt.

I finally found something I felt reasonably sure my mom would like and, obviously taking their cue from the portrait place, there was nobody to ring it up. The watch guy was helping someone examine watches with a jeweler's loop, so they were gonna be a while. The fine jewelry lady had a customer to whom she said, "Let me go find..." and disappeared behind the swinging doors into the magical land of only-God-knows-where-the-hell-she-went. The purse lady helped someone (right in front of me) and then, quite literally, DISAPPEARED. I looked around me to find Sam and looked back and she was GONE...and something inside me snapped because I KNOW she saw us...hell...even if she didn't see us, I KNOW she heard my chants of, "Sam, no...Sam, stop it...," not to mention Sam's hysterical cries of, "Myles, stop pooping already please." (Yeah...I know...we're classy like that)

So I made a beeline for the customer service desk by the door where we came in. And yes...it was empty. The three teenage girls who were SUPPOSED to be working it were standing in the baby section discussing something (important, I'm sure...maybe world peace). One of them reluctantly strolled over and rang up my purchase. When asked if they had any gift boxes, she referred me to the catalog counter. No problem, it's over by the photo place that I had to return to to get the damn frame, so it was ok. Ha!

And here is when the crying started (Myles, not me...yet).

Walked into the photo place AGAIN and waited in line behind a woman who was ordering her portrait package from the slowest cashier in the history of the world. Seriously. She would have grown moss on her if she had moved any slower. And I keep getting THE look...isn't that cute? listen to the baby cry. awww...poor baby. can't you do something? that baby crying is really starting to get annoying. what kind of mother are you? Yeah...THAT look. I wanted to reach around the woman in front of me, across the counter, and grab the cashier by the ears and just...I don't know...shake the shit out of her.

Finally got my picture frames and headed, with screaming baby, to the catalog counter. Asked for a jewelry gift box. The pimply faced boy couldn't find one and wanted me to WAIT while he searched. I said it wasn't that important and he said, "No, if you want a gift box, I will find you a gift box," all surly-like as if I had just insulted his mother. Pimply-faced teenager #2 overheard our conversation and said, "Gift box? They're over here," and proceeds to hand me a SHIRT BOX. I just looked at him and said, "Thank you, but I'm looking for a jewelry gift box."

"Oh...we don't have any of those...these are the smallest gift boxes we have."

Yeah...I walked out.

There was poop everywhere...clothes, carseat, appendages (his and mine). It was a thing of beauty I tell you. I changed his diaper right there in the back end of the minivan...bare butt cheeks blowing in the breeze white trash style...and Myles made the rest of the trip to my parent's house in his diaper and nothing else (and I just now realize I left that poopy outfit in the van...in this heat...hehehe...thankfully I'm not driving that stinkmobile today...poor Steve).

At dinner I spilled my drink and almost burst into tears. My mother, showing early signs of Alzheimer's (or maybe a mother's special intuition), asked if I'm pregnant (I'm not).

So what's wrong?

Steve and I had THE talk. Should he stock up on frozen peas pretty soon? Go in for the big snip-snip? Yeah...THAT talk. And as is our amazingly adult style...we resolved nothing.

When I think about it (and it's ALL I've been thinking about since we talked about it), I want to puke. I hate feeling backed into a corner...like I HAVE TO make a decision NOW. I like to work at my own pace and come to my own conclusions in my own time. But time keeps ticking and...well...there isn't much of it left.

I keep trying to distract myself. It worked before...kept me busy so I couldn't think. But it ain't working now. So I make lists of pros and cons. The cons list is considerably longer than the pros list but I'm not sure quantity is what counts here. How do you weigh cons like unspeakable fear and financial stress with the joy and love of another child? I know what I SHOULD do. I know what the RESPONSIBLE thing is...

And I really can't help but wonder if what I'm feeling is a longing for what I lost in the past rather than a wish for future children. And that mind f*** is just too complex for me to untangle.

Crap, this is difficult. Anybody want to be in charge of my life for a while?

In the meantime, if you see a story on the evening news about a woman who sat down crying in the middle of Penneys and couldn't stop...you'll know what it's all about.

Photo Friday - Flight

When I saw this week's theme, I immediately recalled this picture from last June. Sometimes we have to run like hell in order to achieve flight.

Money saving

I think you need to further explain this method of bargain hunting to those of us who are not quite as good at is as you are, but long to be. Poke. Poke. Poke.

My method? hehehe...I'm a genius! Oh, ok, you want the truth? I cheat. I tried doing it on my own, but I can't keep it all organized enough with everything else I'm responsible for in my life.

So, I belong to thegrocerygame.com for my grocery store deals and afullcup.com for deals at other stores. These places match up sales with coupons so I can save maximum dollars. I like grocerygame because they even divide the shopping list up for you and give you percentage savings and tips on how to stockpile when things are at their best prices. It costs me $10 every 8 weeks, but I figure the time I save searching through ads and coupons is worth it...not to mention the deals I would miss if I didn't have the help.

afullcup is great because they will have the sales lists out ahead of time, so I can plan ahead...want to maximize every coupon, ya know? :o)

At the grocery I try not to buy anything less than a 50% savings. I can achieve this either through sales (my store has a lot of BOGO sales) or through coupons (my store doubles coupons up to and including $0.99...so a $0.99 coupon gives you $1.98 off).

And then, there's CVS and Walgreens. These stores are awesome for their coupon/sale combos. The Extra Care Bucks program...LOVE it! That is my favorite way to get the non-grocery items. The key is to shop the sales and the ECB deals and stock up on stuff before you need it. I will never again pay full price for toothpaste or deodorant...because I don't have to!

**edited to add (because Rach's question made me think of it)**
I am not fully committed to the idea of good deals for the sake of good deals and I probably spend a bit of extra money because I maintain brand loyalty for certain things...particularly laundry, skin and haircare products (due to the sensitive nature of my family's skin). I also am, and always will be, a Crest girl (36 years old and NO cavities). Not even freebies from another brand will convince me to switch toothpaste.

Welcome to the world Hazel Anne!!!

DD's baby girl arrived safe and sound today at 12:47, weighing 7lbs 13ozs and measuring 20.5inches long.

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE WHOLE FAMILY!!!

If you have a chance

Joseph Beth Booksellers - Legacy Village - Lyndhurst, Ohio
Animal Advocate, JANA KOHL
Discussing & Signing A Rare Breed of Love: The True Story of Baby and the Mission She Inspired to Help Dogs Everywhere
Wednesday, July 16th at 7:00 P.M.
A Rare Breed of Love chronicles the travels of Baby, a three-legged poodle rescued from a puppy mill, who, along with her human, Kohl, aim to raise awareness and help stop animal cruelty. Kohl celebrates the special bond between humans and their animal companions, as well as a call to action for animal reform. Baby, the star of A Rare Breed of Love will be traveling with Kohl for her appearance.

If you have a chance, visit A Rare Breed of Love for future appearance dates and locations.

New-fangled computer stuff

Why oh why did I not sign up for Ravelry sooner???????

Clothing dilemma for the fat chick

After fruitlessly searching everywhere for a dress I liked, I bought this pattern to make my own dress for my cousin's wedding in August.

I planned to use this fabric...

Not sure about the rings for the back...probably standard bamboo rings unless I find something I like better.

Then last night I had this sudden realization that I don't have an acceptable bra to wear with such a dress. I only spent $7.50 on the fabric and $1.99 on the pattern (it was all on clearance), so I am having a real hard time with the idea of paying $30 for a bra. But I'm fat...so not everywhere is going to have a backless bra that will fit me.

At this point, I see these options...
1) Make the dress and go braless. It's just family...they've probably been traumatized by worse things I've done in the past.
2) Stash the pattern for another day and find one that works with a bra I already own.
3) Go for it, make the dress, and buy the expensive bra.

I'm not sure what to do now.

(and I will NOT, under any circumstances, wear a stick-on bra)

Bargains this week

Six Hamburger Helper (on sale)
Four brownie mix (on sale)
Ten pizza rolls (on sale)
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Less coupons (not sure of total...threw the receipt out already)
$17 out of pocket with $9 worth of coupons off my next order

So my next transaction...

Eggs
Hamburger (on sale)
3 Chefboyardee (on sale)
Apple juice (on sale)
Kids' Yoplait
Waffles
Oreos (on sale)
English Muffins (on sale)
Light wheat bread
Diapers
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Less coupons totaling $15
Spent $24 out of pocket

Oh! And I bought a color ink cartridge for my printer. I went the recycled route and got one from Walgreens for $16 (versus the HP brand new which was $32-$39).

I'm getting good at this! And it is totally addictive. It's like a game now to see how much I can save. It takes a little bit of planning, but it's so worth it!

My 12-year-old psyche

I recently had the opportunity to view some self-portrait photos of a couple dear friends through the magic of flickr and I was struck by how "grown up" they appear. And then there was this mental avalanche in my brain that brought down all the walls that hold back my own self-realization.

My GOD...I'm 36! THIRTY-SIX! I'm a LAWYER! I've been pregnant FOUR times! I have gray hairs! I own a house and a car and am RESPONSIBLE for living creatures! HOLY @^#!

Most of the time when I look around me, the things I see don't really register with my brain. And then sometimes I look around and I am completely astounded by the realities of my life. When did that tree grow to completely cover the end of the barn? How did EVERY SINGLE FLAT SURFACE in my house get covered with dust and crap? When did those wrinkles appear in the crook of my arm?

As I was driving to the store with my sons yesterday, lamenting the fact that it took us over an hour to go to the library, the post office and the recycling drop-off, I started to think about how it used to be running my errands without little people slowing me down. For some reason, that made me think about what it will be like to be able to do that again when the boys are older. Like a runaway train, my brain couldn't be stopped and I realized that Sam is six years old. SIX! Assuming he goes off to live on his own (even if just to college) at age 18, I have already lived one-third of the time that we will live together as a family under one roof. I looked at old pictures...one year...two years...three years...four years...five years...six. I can see the baby disappear and the boy emerge. How did that happen? I imagine a day when the boy will be gone and a man will stand in his place. Yet I don't often feel it.

Don't get me wrong...I have felt very old at times (I'm told grief will do that to you). But as time moves on I'm better able to compartmentalize again and (temporarily) forget my own truths for longer spans of time. I wonder if this is how it will always be or if I will, at some point, actually view the world through the passage of time...if I will once and for all realize (and feel) my age.

Photo Friday - Spiral

I'm getting some time with my camera lately, so I decided to jump in with Whiskers on Wednesday (you can never have too many cat pictures on your blog) and Photo Friday (which sends me looking for something different each week). This week's theme is "spiral."

Unedited


Edited/Altered for a darker, more industrial feel

Whiskers on Wednesday

Taking care of business

I'm not into commercialization of my blog, but I've signed up for a word-of-mouth advertising initiative on the recommendation of a friend.

bzzagent.com sends me stuff and I review it for free...whether I like it or not.

This week, I'm reviewing Teddy Grahams Trail Mix..."Trail mix designed specifically with kids in mind."

Teddy Grahams Trail Mix Bears & Bees and Bears & Cheese Crackers - combine lightly sweet-tasting and crunchy Teddy Grahams with other fun, kid-size snack favorites, such as Honey Maid Grahams Bees, Cheese Nips Crackers, raisins and pretzels.

They sent me two boxes of the stuff (one of each kind) and I have to say, I don't see the attraction. When I opened them, I didn't see a raisin in either box. I can only assume they sifted to the bottom during transport...I'll let you know as soon as we get to the bottom of the box. And the taste? I like Teddy Grahams just fine by themselves...so it was kind of strange to me having other stuff mixed in with it. BUT I'm not a kid. After my six-year-old got over the initial, "teddy grahams are for LITTLE kids," he ate half of one box. So...I guess he likes it. And I can definitely see the mom-attraction for throwing in a diaper bag and taking on a day trip out somewhere. Unlike some other takealong snacks, this has a little variety to keep the kids interested.

So anyway...more about bzzagent...

They also have what they call a "frogpond" where people submit websites for bzzagents to visit and review. On my sidebar is a badge linking you to my reviews of certain "frogs." If you'd like to click through, you might find some interesting sites to add to your daily web surfing (truemomconfessions is on there and I know some of you already read that site like I do).

As fair warning, I may occasionally link directly to something in a post...if it's a really good/useful/fun site. And I get "points" if people click through to the site using my link. You don't even have to read it or anything...just click through and then go on with your regular business. I promise I won't do it too often...but sometimes I'm just going to HAVE to.

Like today's frogs...one is a site I already visit often and can't say enough good things about...and the other just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside...

Petfinder.com

You know I love the furbabies. Go ahead, click through. And if you need help locating an animal in need of adoption, feel free to give me a shout. My animal rescue "specialty" is coordinating volunteer ground transport.

Wish Upon a Hero is great if you've ever said to yourself, "I'd love to help someone...do something good for the world...but I don't want to make a big committment of time or money." I'm a bit hesitant that it can perpetuate scams...but I'll reserve judgment for now.

This post is all over the place...so I'm going to end it here. Thanks for helping me out. And if you try Teddy Grahams Trail Mix (for yourself or your kids), would you let me know?

Serious coupon clipping

This is just so cool! Look at those vintage coupons! But with no expiration date...they should still work. I am seriously impressed.

Miscellaneous thoughts

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This past week has been tough. My uncle's cancer is back, this time at the base of the tongue and the tonsil. The thoughts of treatment options and possible outcomes are overwhelming for him and my aunt. They are never far from my thoughts as they face this.

And though my feelings are but a drop in the bucket comparatively speaking, I'm particularly angry because he and my aunt have already been through so much in the last few years. They took care of my grandparents in their home during their last years. This was supposed to be their time to relax...travel...eat good food...just enjoy life. Like so many other things in this life, it's just so so unfair.
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I thought this was weird...until I read this.

Starting a piece of music inherently implies an intention to finish it. So starting a 639-year piece is, among other things, an extraordinary statement of human hope. it implies that we may still be here in 639 years, and that the intervening generations, with all their own changing concerns and values and ordeals, will nonetheless pick up the baton and run with the project we have begun. It is, in other words, a perfect metaphor for human life itself.
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Sam and I were watching Danity Kane on Nashville Star the other night. Trina is sporting a new hairdo that is long on one side and cut into a short bob on the other. It looks good on her.

Building on our earlier conversation about when our schedules might allow me time to get my hair cut this week, I laughed and said, "Maybe I should get my hair cut like that."

Sam was all for the idea, even when I said, "But Sam, I'm no rock star."

"Mommy, go ahead and get your hair cut like that and I'll TEACH you how to be a rock star."
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I took the advice to slow down given to me earlier this year and did not plant a garden at all. In fact, my three tomato plants from my dad are still in pots in my kitchen. I'm going to drop them in the ground this week and hope for a long summer so I might get one or two tomatoes.

I'm kind of wishing I had gone ahead with all my plans, despite the lack of quality time to spend in a garden. But I think I can overcome that self-disappointment by shopping at some farmer's markets this summer. Next year I vow to get a fabulous garden in. I'm already planning.
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Got this email from one of the paralegals in my office...
Me and R have been talking and this whole Myles thing is not working out. So we have decided you either need to work something out where he comes in to see us once a week or we are going to go ask T (the boss) if we can work one day a week from home, YOUR home. *insert evil laugh here*
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I recently made the acquaintence of a person who does wedding photography "on the side." He seemed nice enough, but after seeing a few of his pictures, I'm not overly impressed. This has the wheels turning in my brain. I studied videography, photography's not-to-distant cousin, in college. I enjoy taking photographs. I love wedding stuff. And even at a cheap cheap cheap rate, I think I could make it work (financially) on one booking a week. I wonder...

This may be another in a long line of hairbrained schemes...who knows.

I'm also applying for a job as the Animal Protective League's shelter director here in my county. I'm assuming there will not be enough money in it that it would be acceptable for my family's way of life (we are partial to eating regularly). But I'm workign with the philosophy that it can't hurt to try.
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This is a great little bracelet.

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I've been struggling this past few weeks with serious feelings of inadequacy. My home is filthy. I'm not particularly good at what I do for a living. And I dream...of things that seem out of my reach. I can feel the need for big changes. I'm just not sure how or where to make them.
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I have been spending a lot of time working on MOM Project stuff. A lot of progress that I'm particularly proud of. Now if I could just find some uninterrupted time to make some bracelets.

ah...if wishes were pennies...
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Happy Independence Day to my fellow Americans!
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Another reason I love the Wiggles

No longer surrounded by darkness...the founders of the Wiggles share their story of love and loss and healing.

(I'm sitting here in tears)

Whiskers on Wednesday

Welcome to the world Georgia Mae!

Congratulations to Brenda and Scott!!!