Sunday, August 03, 2008

Miscellaneous thoughts, Sunday/Monday edition

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Been having a rough time keeping up with life and this blog. I think I'm going through my midlife crisis early. Yes, it's early...and I dare anyone to say any different.

A few nights ago my husband and I sat in our bedroom together for over an hour and talked. No television. Only the hum of the portable air conditioner and the occasional update from Sam on his Playstation2 progress. It was lovely. Except for the fact that we talked about how unhappy we both are.

It's mainly professional dissatisfaction for him, I think. It is that and so much more for me. He jokes that my "chi is off," but that ain't far from the truth. It starts with, "I'm not a very good lawyer," and ends with, "I'm a fat cow and need to get my fat ass moving." Slippery slope anyone? It's a fun ride...until you get to the bottom and land your ass in the pool of self-pity and loathing anyway.

Anyway...things are a bit stagnant and I'm feeling the need to shake them up. I've had a bit of a realization. When I achieve one dream I need to work for another or I become bored. I don't know if that's something peculiar to myself or if everyone feels that way. But I know that just being happy is...well...dull and unsatisfying. It's like, "OK, jumped that hurdle, now what?"

So I'm kicking around a bunch of ideas with Steve. The list seems to be focused on a change of career so far. I just don't think I'm well suited to being a lawyer. Too many stupid rules that make no sense and affect the lives of people who need help and protection. Sometimes I just want to stand in a courtroom and scream, "Are you f*cking kidding me?" I fear that one day I may just lose it and actually say something to that effect (which would definitely result in an involuntary career change). Better to get out now, I think, and save myself any potential embarrassment.

Problem is, I have so much debt (much of it law student loan debt...yes, I do see the irony) that I'm too chicken-sh!t to take much of a risk. And, of course, there is the consideration of another child. If I have any intention of trying another pregnancy, I want to do it now...while working in my current office. The non-monetary perks are amazing and I know I wouldn't get them anywhere else.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see where this leads me. It should be interesting...if only to me.
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Speaking of another baby...funny story.

We went outlet mall shopping the other day and hit up a great sale at the Carter's outlet. I was there to shop for a friend, but I picked up a few things for Myles too. I mean, I couldn't resist the "Happy 1st Birthday to Me" onesie. He's going to be so stinkin' cute in it! But I digress...

It was dark by the time we headed for home. I thought Samuel had fallen asleep and Steve and I started talking (cute baby clothes will do it to you every time). I want another child...but I don't want to do the whole pregnancy thing again. Steve said he understood and I said he didn't understand jack. He said, "If you do get pregnant...all that fear..." And I said, "See, you're already to if I do get pregnant. I'm at, I don't want to be pregnant. The fear isn't even an issue...it's the injections in the stomach, the heartburn, the aches and pains, the hair falling out, the not being able to sleep. It sucked and I don't wanna do it."

Sam wasn't asleep. I know that because he informed us yesterday that he wants another baby so that he can take care of it..."but mommy doesn't want to it." I about snorted diet pepsi through my nose.
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I have many thoughts about the phrase, "This isn't right." For so long that phrase was my constant companion. Now it seems like blasphemy to say it out loud. But it is still true. How can that be?
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I fear I'm going to need to see a doctor soon for my gallbladder troubles. The wine and cheese party from the other night nearly did me in. Blech. I was hoping to avoid doctors for at least a year.
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Speaking of the wine and cheese party...while it was fun, I am so glad to have that done and over with. It was only the second time we have had a real social gathering for anyone other than family at our house. The first was the first summer after we moved in. So it's been seven years.

Have I ever mentioned my extreme social anxiety issues? I'm sure you could tell they were lurking in my psyche just from my incessant blogging about other people and what I fear they are thinking of me. If I were a psychiatrist I'd probably venture a guess that it had something to do with being betrayed by two of my best friends during my formative years. Nothing earth-shattering, just the lies that schoolchildren tell each other.

I will never forget the day my friend, Marie, told me she couldn't walk uptown to the library with me because she had to go home. I had a window seat on the school bus that day and remember oh-so-clearly the image of Marie standing on the sidewalk in front of the library, laughing with her other friend, Amber. It was then that I realized I couldn't trust any of my friends...no matter how dear. And that has screwed me up for years.

Even now, at age 36, I wonder what the ladies said when they left my house Thursday evening. I fear what judgments were made behind closed doors. I feel sick when I think about why some women chose not to attend. Surely their absence says something about me.

See? Insanity. A friend recently mentioned it is better if you don't assign motivation to people's actions. But I can't seem to help myself.
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I forgot to buy a newspaper last week and when I went through my coupon inventory I found a boatload of expired coupons. This money-saving thing...miss a week and it throws the whole thing off kilter.
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Myles has been a real joy lately and I blame teething. The rational side of me can't be upset with him because I know it's gotta suck to be in pain and feeling crappy. But if he doesn't stop screaming at me 24/7, I'm going to lose my mind.
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We had dinner at Eat N Park the other night. Another diner walked past us on the way to his table...carrying bagpipes.

All I could say was, "WHAT?!?!?!"
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I have to get a wedding gift for my cousin that I don't know very well (I don't know any of my cousins very well). Cash or gift cards are always ok, right? Or should I just pick something off her registry?

I did cave on the dress and bought one. I KNOW! Don't be disappointed. I'm still going to make the dress I planned to make...but this takes the pressure off. A girl can never have too many pretty dresses, right?
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There is this lady at work who makes awesome coffee in the morning. Then there is this other lady at work who makes awful coffee in the morning. The awesome coffee lady isn't in today. I can't just dump the bad coffee and make my own...can I? No. That would be rude. Right?
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The county fair is getting all set up in anticipation of opening tomorrow morning with a 9am flag raising. Just driving by the fairgrounds makes me smile. The rides sit silently waiting for screams of thrills and excitement. The food booths are all closed up...promising treats that are as unhealthy as can be. The animal barns are being loaded with energetic horses and big lazy cows. Cotton candy and motorcross...draft horses and goats...spin till you puke and sewing exhibits. I can't wait.
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5 comments:

kate said...

I'm with you on the midlife crisis thing. I have no answers, but i am with you on it.

Hedda said...

I think you should buy something off of her registry. That's what she made it for.

As for everything else, sounds like you are depressed. I've been there. Just keep talking. It's good for the soul.

Julia said...

Ouch on the not-sleeping Sam.

And no, it still isn't right. Never will be.

You know, if you do explode in the courtroom, make sure to video it with a cell phone, or some such. I am sure there will be a way to make money off of it...

Stephanie said...

I notice your bookshelf - and I notice The Friday Night Knitting Club, and I have to tell you to have a big, big box of tissues. The young man next to me on the airplane didn't know what to do when I involuntarily sobbed through portions.

Aurelia said...

Sweeties, take some time on the career thing--maybe for now, you could research careers that would useful with the law degree but don't require a courtroom, like say--a mortgage broker, or even just a different type of law, like something in government which is 9 to 5 and family friendly, but way less crazy-making.

My husband did this, and is much much happier than when he was in a firm.

The key here is research...plus maybe you just need some time in between babies and pregnancies to rest before you switch?