Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Where do I go from here?

"It's hard to guess where your life is going to be after something like this happens..."

Though the hospital commercial was about a woman who suffered a leg injury and was worried she would never go sailing again (big surprise...she's just fine thanks to the hospital), this bit jumped out at me. It's hard to guess where your life is going to be after something like this happens. Ain't that the truth? It's so hard to guess. I was frozen for what seemed like an eternity wondering who I was going to be AFTER. How I was going to live my life AFTER.

The jarring reality of today is that I am the same damn person I was BEFORE and my life hasn't changed a whole hell of a lot...and I'm not entirely sure I like it. In fact, I'm pretty sure I don't like it and that this is the source of my general feeling of dissatisfaction-with-life. Why? I LIKED my life before. So what's the problem now? Well...since you asked...

I'm pretty sure when something horrible happens to you and you spend SO much time wondering how you're going to take your next breath let alone go back to living...I'm pretty sure you should encounter SOME sort of meaningful change. I'm pretty sure you shouldn't just head back (albeit slowly and unenthusiastically) to that old life. I'm pretty sure there should be some benefit. Some insight. SOMETHING to make it seem like it was more than just a bump in the road.

Let's face it, my life is exactly how I left it. Maybe a little sadder...but with no major changes. And that just doesn't seem right somehow. Sure, I've made some minor changes. I now participate in activities I wouldn't have before. Charitable work comes easier. But my very soul was shaken to its core. Shouldn't there be something more?

I'm turning things around in my brain again. Who I am. Who I want to be. Where I am. Where I want to be. Where I was too grief-stricken before to really act on anything, I am now solidly sure of myself...I need a change. I need for Alex and Travis to have meant something in my life. I need for them to have shaped my being rather than just passed through it. I don't know why I need this...I just know I do.

6 comments:

Kathy McC said...

I am going through the same thing. The "what the hell am I supposed to be doing now" type of thing.

kate said...

Yeah, i know. Me too. And no answers here yet.

Lissa Lane said...

I wish I could tell you hun. I wish I had the answers. All I have are the same questions

Kendra's mom said...

I think that is probably why I stayed with the Special needs support group after Kendra died. A part of it was to still feel some sort of connection with her and a part is so that I feel there was some purpose to her being here. I don't know if my being there actually benefits the others though I would like to think so (esp since I do most of the organising) and sometimes I think of quitting but just cannot bring myself to do that.
Other than that, yeah, my life has not really changed much.

Rosepetal said...

Me too. It's why I try to cling on to sadness sometimes, it's why I don't wear makeup and jewellry or really look in mirrors anymore.

Aurelia said...

It took years for my life to change much, but it has slowly. It will never be the same.

That said, you already do somethings like the Mom bracelets. And that's a good thing!