You never know

We were pregnant together back in 2005 when it all went so terribly wrong. I have been jealous of her ever since. More than once I looked at her and thought, "She's got no problems. She's young and beautiful and has a cute little boy. She has no worries."

Today we had lunch together.

She has PCOS and is currently on Clomid and hasn't been able to conceive baby #2.

You just never know.

I want to ride some rides

"The fair isn't just about rides, you know."

So I decided it would be a good idea to introduce Sam to the agricultural way of life at the fair today. Now he wants a "bunny rabbit." ACK!

I guess there ARE worse things for a kid to get involved with than 4H. I'm just thanking my lucky stars that they aren't allowed to do rabbit projects until they are eight years old in our county. Maybe the novelty will wear off by the time he's eight. I just hope he doesn't decide pigs or cows are a good idea...

After all this time

"Your child is 27 months old"

Seriously...Huggies...enough already.

Now that's just wrong

Virtual chocolate.

Enjoy!

The world travelling doppler

I bought a doppler that arrived the day I returned from the hospital after Travis.

I lent it to a friend who had a beautiful baby boy.

It came back and I used it during my pregnancy with Myles.

I lent it to another friend who had a beautiful baby girl.

It has been returned.

I'm in the process of examining my own reaction to the darn thing (once I realized what was contained within the mailing box). So I guess the question is...Where does it go next? It seems a shame to stick it in the closet next to the Lovenox I'm storing for no known (sane) reason.

(I think I may start a new category for posts here...insane thinking...though that might be too depressing...as it seems I may then have to label EVERY post with that one)

Family-Grief-God-Hope

If you get a chance (and you feel strong enough), you should watch this interview with Steven Curtis Chapman and his family on Larry King Live. They talk about the tragic accident that caused the death of their daughter/sister, Maria, back in May...the family's journey along the path of grief...and their faith.

8 months and 2 weeks

"I can't believe I'm saying this because I can't believe it's true...but this boy doesn't have enough clothes."

Yes, we have finally reached that time where the insane baby clothes buying has dropped off and the baby is in NEED of new duds. Shopping because I HAVE TO...another milestone for Myles and mommy.

And please, let's not even consider the sad state of Samuel's wardrobe. Now I know how the traditional yearly "school shopping" pilgrimage came into existence...pure necessity.

Weird

My coworker has been pregnant and miscarried twice since September of 2007. Her doctor told her she has a giant fibroid that prevents embryos from implanting properly and she would need to see a fertility doctor. She has moral objections to reproductive assistance (I won't even comment) and was quite vocal about her reluctance to make the appointment. I'm not sure whether she ever did and/or if the fertility doctor helped her or not...but she is pregnant and due in February. She was so excited because at her most recent appointment they told her to "come back in four weeks" and she hasn't been told that in a very long time (her daughter is four years old). I'm excited for her. And yet I'm feeling weird about facing her progressing pregnancy on a daily basis. She's had a rough road and of all the women in my office I think she "gets it" the most. So what gives? More introspection to follow, I'm sure.

***edited to add***
As she was standing in the office today complaining about the smell of coffee making her sick, I realized...She's vocal and she's going to want to talk about it. The morning sickness...the maternity clothes...breastfeeding...

I want to run and hide.

Yesterday she asked me which was more adorable, "Your own baby or someone else's baby?" I was probably too brutally honest when I said, "I guess it depends on how much you WANT your own baby. No other baby seems as cute as Myles does."

I really need to learn to filter what comes out of my mouth.

Miscellaneous thoughts, Sunday/Monday edition

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Been having a rough time keeping up with life and this blog. I think I'm going through my midlife crisis early. Yes, it's early...and I dare anyone to say any different.

A few nights ago my husband and I sat in our bedroom together for over an hour and talked. No television. Only the hum of the portable air conditioner and the occasional update from Sam on his Playstation2 progress. It was lovely. Except for the fact that we talked about how unhappy we both are.

It's mainly professional dissatisfaction for him, I think. It is that and so much more for me. He jokes that my "chi is off," but that ain't far from the truth. It starts with, "I'm not a very good lawyer," and ends with, "I'm a fat cow and need to get my fat ass moving." Slippery slope anyone? It's a fun ride...until you get to the bottom and land your ass in the pool of self-pity and loathing anyway.

Anyway...things are a bit stagnant and I'm feeling the need to shake them up. I've had a bit of a realization. When I achieve one dream I need to work for another or I become bored. I don't know if that's something peculiar to myself or if everyone feels that way. But I know that just being happy is...well...dull and unsatisfying. It's like, "OK, jumped that hurdle, now what?"

So I'm kicking around a bunch of ideas with Steve. The list seems to be focused on a change of career so far. I just don't think I'm well suited to being a lawyer. Too many stupid rules that make no sense and affect the lives of people who need help and protection. Sometimes I just want to stand in a courtroom and scream, "Are you f*cking kidding me?" I fear that one day I may just lose it and actually say something to that effect (which would definitely result in an involuntary career change). Better to get out now, I think, and save myself any potential embarrassment.

Problem is, I have so much debt (much of it law student loan debt...yes, I do see the irony) that I'm too chicken-sh!t to take much of a risk. And, of course, there is the consideration of another child. If I have any intention of trying another pregnancy, I want to do it now...while working in my current office. The non-monetary perks are amazing and I know I wouldn't get them anywhere else.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see where this leads me. It should be interesting...if only to me.
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Speaking of another baby...funny story.

We went outlet mall shopping the other day and hit up a great sale at the Carter's outlet. I was there to shop for a friend, but I picked up a few things for Myles too. I mean, I couldn't resist the "Happy 1st Birthday to Me" onesie. He's going to be so stinkin' cute in it! But I digress...

It was dark by the time we headed for home. I thought Samuel had fallen asleep and Steve and I started talking (cute baby clothes will do it to you every time). I want another child...but I don't want to do the whole pregnancy thing again. Steve said he understood and I said he didn't understand jack. He said, "If you do get pregnant...all that fear..." And I said, "See, you're already to if I do get pregnant. I'm at, I don't want to be pregnant. The fear isn't even an issue...it's the injections in the stomach, the heartburn, the aches and pains, the hair falling out, the not being able to sleep. It sucked and I don't wanna do it."

Sam wasn't asleep. I know that because he informed us yesterday that he wants another baby so that he can take care of it..."but mommy doesn't want to it." I about snorted diet pepsi through my nose.
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I have many thoughts about the phrase, "This isn't right." For so long that phrase was my constant companion. Now it seems like blasphemy to say it out loud. But it is still true. How can that be?
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I fear I'm going to need to see a doctor soon for my gallbladder troubles. The wine and cheese party from the other night nearly did me in. Blech. I was hoping to avoid doctors for at least a year.
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Speaking of the wine and cheese party...while it was fun, I am so glad to have that done and over with. It was only the second time we have had a real social gathering for anyone other than family at our house. The first was the first summer after we moved in. So it's been seven years.

Have I ever mentioned my extreme social anxiety issues? I'm sure you could tell they were lurking in my psyche just from my incessant blogging about other people and what I fear they are thinking of me. If I were a psychiatrist I'd probably venture a guess that it had something to do with being betrayed by two of my best friends during my formative years. Nothing earth-shattering, just the lies that schoolchildren tell each other.

I will never forget the day my friend, Marie, told me she couldn't walk uptown to the library with me because she had to go home. I had a window seat on the school bus that day and remember oh-so-clearly the image of Marie standing on the sidewalk in front of the library, laughing with her other friend, Amber. It was then that I realized I couldn't trust any of my friends...no matter how dear. And that has screwed me up for years.

Even now, at age 36, I wonder what the ladies said when they left my house Thursday evening. I fear what judgments were made behind closed doors. I feel sick when I think about why some women chose not to attend. Surely their absence says something about me.

See? Insanity. A friend recently mentioned it is better if you don't assign motivation to people's actions. But I can't seem to help myself.
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I forgot to buy a newspaper last week and when I went through my coupon inventory I found a boatload of expired coupons. This money-saving thing...miss a week and it throws the whole thing off kilter.
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Myles has been a real joy lately and I blame teething. The rational side of me can't be upset with him because I know it's gotta suck to be in pain and feeling crappy. But if he doesn't stop screaming at me 24/7, I'm going to lose my mind.
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We had dinner at Eat N Park the other night. Another diner walked past us on the way to his table...carrying bagpipes.

All I could say was, "WHAT?!?!?!"
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I have to get a wedding gift for my cousin that I don't know very well (I don't know any of my cousins very well). Cash or gift cards are always ok, right? Or should I just pick something off her registry?

I did cave on the dress and bought one. I KNOW! Don't be disappointed. I'm still going to make the dress I planned to make...but this takes the pressure off. A girl can never have too many pretty dresses, right?
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There is this lady at work who makes awesome coffee in the morning. Then there is this other lady at work who makes awful coffee in the morning. The awesome coffee lady isn't in today. I can't just dump the bad coffee and make my own...can I? No. That would be rude. Right?
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The county fair is getting all set up in anticipation of opening tomorrow morning with a 9am flag raising. Just driving by the fairgrounds makes me smile. The rides sit silently waiting for screams of thrills and excitement. The food booths are all closed up...promising treats that are as unhealthy as can be. The animal barns are being loaded with energetic horses and big lazy cows. Cotton candy and motorcross...draft horses and goats...spin till you puke and sewing exhibits. I can't wait.
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Where did the time go?

The infant carrier was replaced today by a convertible carseat.

Whiskers on Wednesday (on Friday)

I missed Whiskers on Wednesday this week. But Shamus gave me a great shot this morning. Hey, even the furballs have to recover from a good party.

Thank you Secret Pal!

A green themed package arrived on my doorstep yesterday. Thank you!

It went well

My uncle had surgery today to remove a cancerous tumor from the back of his tongue. Do you KNOW how they remove cancerous tumors from the back of your tongue? No? Do not...I repeat...do NOT Google it.

The doctor said he "did well."

I sit here in the afterglow of a successful candle party and listen to my husband cuss as he attempts to reattach the recliner section of the sectional sofa...and it's all so normal.

And then I think of my aunt and uncle and what their day has been like. And while I never faced the threa of cancer, I remember uncomfortable hospital beds and pain and fear...and I remember that "well" is a relative term. I remember facing all these things while the rest of the world kept moving...cleaning houses and hosting candle parties...

I hope he really gets "well" soon. Because this side of things is SO much better than where he's at right now.

This much I know for a fact.

It's not all sunshine and roses

With every milestone, I am encouraged. Each accomplishment brings pride in him as his own person separate and distinct from myself, the mother and protector. I teach him lessons with hope...that he will grow to be a good boy and eventually a great man. I cheer for him when he needs support. I listen to him when he speaks. I give him the freedom I think he needs to learn to make responsible choices.

And then he slugs a little girl at daycare and makes her cry.

It all comes to a screeching halt and I replay as many memories from his short life as I can recall from the deep dark recesses of my brain. What happened? Is it about me? Did I miss something? Was there a misstep? If so...where? Is it about him? Is there something wrong with him that he would make this choice...to deliberately hurt another person? How did he not learn the lesson necessary to keep him out of this trouble? How did he not learn the lesson that we are all people and we are all precious and we are never never never to hurt each other if we can avoid it?

The circumstances aren't important. We don't hit. Ever. None of us...parents and children alike. We don't even hit another in gest or as a form of play (and at this age there is no reason for a discussion of self-defense). I thought the rule was simple and clear. I was either wrong or he fooled me. Either way...no privileges for a week.

The amusing thing is I JUST had a conversation with my colleague about her 3-year-old little boy and his issues with hitting and biting. Never again will I so confidently utter the words, "I just don't know what to say, I was very lucky with Sam...when I told him we don't hit, he accepted that."

I know, I know...it happens. I know it's a normal part of growing up. I know we will correct this behavior as well as I know that another will pop up to disappoint me eventually. It's just...*sigh*...

8 months and 1 week

"It's not fair. Why does Myles get...and I don't?"

Priceless

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New radiator
New "everything from the catalytic converter back"
New hoses

On a car that got a new transmission (when it was under warranty). And I'm pretty sure it had some brake work done in there somewhere (though I can't keep it all straight anymore).

Pretty soon I'll just be able to consider it a new car, right?
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Had a meeting today at which I was informed that I'm a liar and a scumbag because I'm a lawyer. Oh, and the person "isn't bitter," but if he saw me bleeding on the side of the road he'd, "drive right on by."

I had the very unprofessional urge to tell the jackass to bite me.
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Driving down the (state) road...ROAD CLOSED on a big orange sign.
No warning.
No detour.
No turnaround provided.
THIS is the story of my life.
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50% savings!

I did it! I made it to MORE than 50% savings!!!

This week at CVS:

~2 Similac Advance 32 oz ready-to-feed (we're still breastfeeding...but the stuff stores for a year and it's good to have just in case)
~4 12-packs diet Pepsi
~3 Glad scented oil candle refill packs
~1 Theater size whoppers candy
~2 All Free & Clear
~1 box Rice Krispies
~1 box Corn Flakes
~1 36ct always
~1 32ct always
~1 18ct always
~1 16ct always
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$42.63 out of pocket
Saved $47.70

PartyLite candle party

Where: My house
When: Thursday, July 31, 7:00pm
Why: Wine & cheese (yum!)
Email me if you want to buy something!

(Oh crap I have a LOT of stuff to do around this pit to get it ready for visitors!)

(And yeah...any helpful tips on hostessing this party...bring em on!)

Thieves and liars

We live in an age where it is expected that someone will steal something from us. Leave your doors unlocked and expect someone to come in and steal your television. Leave your car parked on the street and expect to return in the morning to find a shattered window and all valuables missing. Drop a wallet and expect it to be returned a few dollars lighter.

Despite my own life conditioning to expect it, I remember feeling horror back in 2006 when Bronwyn's home was burgaled and her Lydia's memory box was rifled through. No rhyme or reason...just someone rifling through what was not theirs and taking what they wanted for their own purposes with no regard for the pain they caused.

And our words are apparently no exception. If you put them out there...if you share them...they will eventually be stolen. Expect it. We are surrounded by thieves and liars. People who think it's ok to take something that isn't theirs. People who have no trouble stealing from a grieving mother who writes in tribute to her dead child.

I can not describe the anger I felt when I read of Kate's words being stolen...the outrage. I felt a surge of the old familiar grief anger. A night of restless sleep made me realize where it was coming from.

Dead baby, meet Internet newcomers. Internet newcomers, meet dead baby. His name was Liam. Not 'Dario', not 'Matteo'. LIAM.

You just don't steal from someone who has already lost so much. You just don't do it. You respect Liam's memory and you leave his mother alone. It's the only decent thing to do.

Is this how it happens?

Is this how it happens? One innocuous step...the start down the path toward old age starts with one tiny step?

Steve is watching Celebrity Family Feud and eating his dinner off a tv tray table in the living room.

(sigh)

Photos

A while back I wrote about the boys' first professional photos together.

Here are my favorites...

[removed because I'm feeling shaken by the latest turn of events with the sweet/salty blog and am not sure how I will ultimately react as it regards this blog.]

Economic stimulus?

How I spent my stimulus check.

Nice to see I'm not the only one who is hostile about the government patting themselves on the back for giving me back MY money.

I won!

Kate, hello! About seventeen million years ago, you very kindly contributed to a quilt raffle I was running to benefit some friends of mine who hoped to adopt. I'm embarrassed that it's taken so long to finish it up, but happy to tell you that you've won the quilt. Details and pictures are on my blog.

I'd love to get the quilt out to you this week, so can you please e- mail me your mailing address? I'll box it up and get it out ASAP.

Thank you SO much for your amazing generosity. It meant the world to this family, and I am so honored to have spurred it.

Julie
www.alittlepregnant.com

Actual conversation

(ring, ring, ring)

Me: Hello

Caller: Hello?

Me: Hello

Caller: Hello...this is so-and-so with such-and-such student loan company. First, I must inform you that this conversation may be recorded for quality assurance purposes.

Me: OK...

Caller: I'm just calling today to inform you that your student loan payment is 38 days overdue

(silence)

Me: ok...

Caller: ...in the amount of $x.xx

Me: Look, I've called...twice...I've emailed...I don't know how many ways I can tell you people that you will get your payment on the 25th. There was supposed to be a note added to my file the LAST time I called.

Caller: There is.

(silence)

Me: And yet you still called me about this?

Caller: When they put the note on the file they should have told you that the letters and calls would continue until payment was received.

Me: ok...

Caller: And the note does not say how much you intend to pay.

Me: I TOLD whoever it was I spoke to the last THREE times that the amount due would be paid in full. As soon as I have it, you'll have it. But I'm sure you will continue to call me in the meantime.

Caller: We will.

Me: (trying to suppress my laughter at this point)...ok...well...it's your dime.

Caller: Have a nice day.

Me: Yeah...you too...talk to you tomorrow.

Petal cones

I remember when Steve and I got married (way back when). His sister, M, was due with her first baby and unable to travel, but she wanted to be a part of our day. She made us birdseed roses in "our colors." I still have one or two in my cedar chest as momentos. Just thinking of those silly roses gets me a bit misty-eyed because it was such a special thing.

A dear friend is getting married in October and I've volunteered my time and crafty abilities to make her petal toss cones. I was hesitant at first because I don't really do much paper crafting other than scrapbooking. But given my love of all things wedding (someone needs to explain to my husband why I like to "watch the weddings of strangers on tv."), I thought I'd give it a try. If I wasn't successful I knew my friend would have time to order from a professional.

Here are my first attempts. I'm pretty sure I like the bigger size. But there are just too many paper choices (and let's not even discuss the limitless possibilities of RIBBON). Embossed "love" paper...pearlized "elegant" paper...opal dot vellum...translucent pastel vellum...

Of course, I'm sending them to the bride so she can decide if she likes any of them and maybe decide which she wants to use...but I'm always wondering what my dear internets think.

So...be brutally honest...favorite? least favorite? why?

Thank you Secret Pal!

I love everything! Thank you SO MUCH!



Love these postcards! They have such a vintage poster feel to them. I've already got plans to display them.

I am SO going to love you in real life! Nashville vacations! Awesome! We went way back when they were just building the "new" country music hall of fame. Had a BLAST! It's such a fun place to be! (Now you have to email me and let me know all the things you did while you were there.)


Bamboo! And purple! My FAVORITE!


Somebody went shopping on my Amazon wishlist! Thank you so much! And thank you for the gift certificate to Little Knits. I can't wait to shop!

Oh---Sam wants me to say thank you for the bubbles too. That was very sweet of you.

OH...and I'll just sneak this one in here...

Do you see that?!?! TEETH!!!

What's wrong?

I don't know. No...that's not true...I have an idea or two.

My mental state is such that I almost had a complete breakdown in JCPenney yesterday. We were late to my mom and dad's house to go out to dinner for mom's 60th birthday.

There was nobody at the photo counter to ring up my purchase of a picture frame (4x10 photos...don't EVER buy this size...no matter how adorable...because then you HAVE TO buy the frame from them as well).

Then I went to jewelry and wandered around, frustrated by my too-helpful son suggesting we get grandma a string of pearls ("that's not really grandma's style"..."what's style?"..."oh my god does he NEVER shut up?").

All the while, Myles was grunting. You know...THE grunt.

I finally found something I felt reasonably sure my mom would like and, obviously taking their cue from the portrait place, there was nobody to ring it up. The watch guy was helping someone examine watches with a jeweler's loop, so they were gonna be a while. The fine jewelry lady had a customer to whom she said, "Let me go find..." and disappeared behind the swinging doors into the magical land of only-God-knows-where-the-hell-she-went. The purse lady helped someone (right in front of me) and then, quite literally, DISAPPEARED. I looked around me to find Sam and looked back and she was GONE...and something inside me snapped because I KNOW she saw us...hell...even if she didn't see us, I KNOW she heard my chants of, "Sam, no...Sam, stop it...," not to mention Sam's hysterical cries of, "Myles, stop pooping already please." (Yeah...I know...we're classy like that)

So I made a beeline for the customer service desk by the door where we came in. And yes...it was empty. The three teenage girls who were SUPPOSED to be working it were standing in the baby section discussing something (important, I'm sure...maybe world peace). One of them reluctantly strolled over and rang up my purchase. When asked if they had any gift boxes, she referred me to the catalog counter. No problem, it's over by the photo place that I had to return to to get the damn frame, so it was ok. Ha!

And here is when the crying started (Myles, not me...yet).

Walked into the photo place AGAIN and waited in line behind a woman who was ordering her portrait package from the slowest cashier in the history of the world. Seriously. She would have grown moss on her if she had moved any slower. And I keep getting THE look...isn't that cute? listen to the baby cry. awww...poor baby. can't you do something? that baby crying is really starting to get annoying. what kind of mother are you? Yeah...THAT look. I wanted to reach around the woman in front of me, across the counter, and grab the cashier by the ears and just...I don't know...shake the shit out of her.

Finally got my picture frames and headed, with screaming baby, to the catalog counter. Asked for a jewelry gift box. The pimply faced boy couldn't find one and wanted me to WAIT while he searched. I said it wasn't that important and he said, "No, if you want a gift box, I will find you a gift box," all surly-like as if I had just insulted his mother. Pimply-faced teenager #2 overheard our conversation and said, "Gift box? They're over here," and proceeds to hand me a SHIRT BOX. I just looked at him and said, "Thank you, but I'm looking for a jewelry gift box."

"Oh...we don't have any of those...these are the smallest gift boxes we have."

Yeah...I walked out.

There was poop everywhere...clothes, carseat, appendages (his and mine). It was a thing of beauty I tell you. I changed his diaper right there in the back end of the minivan...bare butt cheeks blowing in the breeze white trash style...and Myles made the rest of the trip to my parent's house in his diaper and nothing else (and I just now realize I left that poopy outfit in the van...in this heat...hehehe...thankfully I'm not driving that stinkmobile today...poor Steve).

At dinner I spilled my drink and almost burst into tears. My mother, showing early signs of Alzheimer's (or maybe a mother's special intuition), asked if I'm pregnant (I'm not).

So what's wrong?

Steve and I had THE talk. Should he stock up on frozen peas pretty soon? Go in for the big snip-snip? Yeah...THAT talk. And as is our amazingly adult style...we resolved nothing.

When I think about it (and it's ALL I've been thinking about since we talked about it), I want to puke. I hate feeling backed into a corner...like I HAVE TO make a decision NOW. I like to work at my own pace and come to my own conclusions in my own time. But time keeps ticking and...well...there isn't much of it left.

I keep trying to distract myself. It worked before...kept me busy so I couldn't think. But it ain't working now. So I make lists of pros and cons. The cons list is considerably longer than the pros list but I'm not sure quantity is what counts here. How do you weigh cons like unspeakable fear and financial stress with the joy and love of another child? I know what I SHOULD do. I know what the RESPONSIBLE thing is...

And I really can't help but wonder if what I'm feeling is a longing for what I lost in the past rather than a wish for future children. And that mind f*** is just too complex for me to untangle.

Crap, this is difficult. Anybody want to be in charge of my life for a while?

In the meantime, if you see a story on the evening news about a woman who sat down crying in the middle of Penneys and couldn't stop...you'll know what it's all about.

Photo Friday - Flight

When I saw this week's theme, I immediately recalled this picture from last June. Sometimes we have to run like hell in order to achieve flight.

Money saving

I think you need to further explain this method of bargain hunting to those of us who are not quite as good at is as you are, but long to be. Poke. Poke. Poke.

My method? hehehe...I'm a genius! Oh, ok, you want the truth? I cheat. I tried doing it on my own, but I can't keep it all organized enough with everything else I'm responsible for in my life.

So, I belong to thegrocerygame.com for my grocery store deals and afullcup.com for deals at other stores. These places match up sales with coupons so I can save maximum dollars. I like grocerygame because they even divide the shopping list up for you and give you percentage savings and tips on how to stockpile when things are at their best prices. It costs me $10 every 8 weeks, but I figure the time I save searching through ads and coupons is worth it...not to mention the deals I would miss if I didn't have the help.

afullcup is great because they will have the sales lists out ahead of time, so I can plan ahead...want to maximize every coupon, ya know? :o)

At the grocery I try not to buy anything less than a 50% savings. I can achieve this either through sales (my store has a lot of BOGO sales) or through coupons (my store doubles coupons up to and including $0.99...so a $0.99 coupon gives you $1.98 off).

And then, there's CVS and Walgreens. These stores are awesome for their coupon/sale combos. The Extra Care Bucks program...LOVE it! That is my favorite way to get the non-grocery items. The key is to shop the sales and the ECB deals and stock up on stuff before you need it. I will never again pay full price for toothpaste or deodorant...because I don't have to!

**edited to add (because Rach's question made me think of it)**
I am not fully committed to the idea of good deals for the sake of good deals and I probably spend a bit of extra money because I maintain brand loyalty for certain things...particularly laundry, skin and haircare products (due to the sensitive nature of my family's skin). I also am, and always will be, a Crest girl (36 years old and NO cavities). Not even freebies from another brand will convince me to switch toothpaste.

Welcome to the world Hazel Anne!!!

DD's baby girl arrived safe and sound today at 12:47, weighing 7lbs 13ozs and measuring 20.5inches long.

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE WHOLE FAMILY!!!

If you have a chance

Joseph Beth Booksellers - Legacy Village - Lyndhurst, Ohio
Animal Advocate, JANA KOHL
Discussing & Signing A Rare Breed of Love: The True Story of Baby and the Mission She Inspired to Help Dogs Everywhere
Wednesday, July 16th at 7:00 P.M.
A Rare Breed of Love chronicles the travels of Baby, a three-legged poodle rescued from a puppy mill, who, along with her human, Kohl, aim to raise awareness and help stop animal cruelty. Kohl celebrates the special bond between humans and their animal companions, as well as a call to action for animal reform. Baby, the star of A Rare Breed of Love will be traveling with Kohl for her appearance.

If you have a chance, visit A Rare Breed of Love for future appearance dates and locations.

New-fangled computer stuff

Why oh why did I not sign up for Ravelry sooner???????

Clothing dilemma for the fat chick

After fruitlessly searching everywhere for a dress I liked, I bought this pattern to make my own dress for my cousin's wedding in August.

I planned to use this fabric...

Not sure about the rings for the back...probably standard bamboo rings unless I find something I like better.

Then last night I had this sudden realization that I don't have an acceptable bra to wear with such a dress. I only spent $7.50 on the fabric and $1.99 on the pattern (it was all on clearance), so I am having a real hard time with the idea of paying $30 for a bra. But I'm fat...so not everywhere is going to have a backless bra that will fit me.

At this point, I see these options...
1) Make the dress and go braless. It's just family...they've probably been traumatized by worse things I've done in the past.
2) Stash the pattern for another day and find one that works with a bra I already own.
3) Go for it, make the dress, and buy the expensive bra.

I'm not sure what to do now.

(and I will NOT, under any circumstances, wear a stick-on bra)

Bargains this week

Six Hamburger Helper (on sale)
Four brownie mix (on sale)
Ten pizza rolls (on sale)
------------------
Less coupons (not sure of total...threw the receipt out already)
$17 out of pocket with $9 worth of coupons off my next order

So my next transaction...

Eggs
Hamburger (on sale)
3 Chefboyardee (on sale)
Apple juice (on sale)
Kids' Yoplait
Waffles
Oreos (on sale)
English Muffins (on sale)
Light wheat bread
Diapers
------------------
Less coupons totaling $15
Spent $24 out of pocket

Oh! And I bought a color ink cartridge for my printer. I went the recycled route and got one from Walgreens for $16 (versus the HP brand new which was $32-$39).

I'm getting good at this! And it is totally addictive. It's like a game now to see how much I can save. It takes a little bit of planning, but it's so worth it!

My 12-year-old psyche

I recently had the opportunity to view some self-portrait photos of a couple dear friends through the magic of flickr and I was struck by how "grown up" they appear. And then there was this mental avalanche in my brain that brought down all the walls that hold back my own self-realization.

My GOD...I'm 36! THIRTY-SIX! I'm a LAWYER! I've been pregnant FOUR times! I have gray hairs! I own a house and a car and am RESPONSIBLE for living creatures! HOLY @^#!

Most of the time when I look around me, the things I see don't really register with my brain. And then sometimes I look around and I am completely astounded by the realities of my life. When did that tree grow to completely cover the end of the barn? How did EVERY SINGLE FLAT SURFACE in my house get covered with dust and crap? When did those wrinkles appear in the crook of my arm?

As I was driving to the store with my sons yesterday, lamenting the fact that it took us over an hour to go to the library, the post office and the recycling drop-off, I started to think about how it used to be running my errands without little people slowing me down. For some reason, that made me think about what it will be like to be able to do that again when the boys are older. Like a runaway train, my brain couldn't be stopped and I realized that Sam is six years old. SIX! Assuming he goes off to live on his own (even if just to college) at age 18, I have already lived one-third of the time that we will live together as a family under one roof. I looked at old pictures...one year...two years...three years...four years...five years...six. I can see the baby disappear and the boy emerge. How did that happen? I imagine a day when the boy will be gone and a man will stand in his place. Yet I don't often feel it.

Don't get me wrong...I have felt very old at times (I'm told grief will do that to you). But as time moves on I'm better able to compartmentalize again and (temporarily) forget my own truths for longer spans of time. I wonder if this is how it will always be or if I will, at some point, actually view the world through the passage of time...if I will once and for all realize (and feel) my age.

Photo Friday - Spiral

I'm getting some time with my camera lately, so I decided to jump in with Whiskers on Wednesday (you can never have too many cat pictures on your blog) and Photo Friday (which sends me looking for something different each week). This week's theme is "spiral."

Unedited


Edited/Altered for a darker, more industrial feel

Whiskers on Wednesday

Taking care of business

I'm not into commercialization of my blog, but I've signed up for a word-of-mouth advertising initiative on the recommendation of a friend.

bzzagent.com sends me stuff and I review it for free...whether I like it or not.

This week, I'm reviewing Teddy Grahams Trail Mix..."Trail mix designed specifically with kids in mind."

Teddy Grahams Trail Mix Bears & Bees and Bears & Cheese Crackers - combine lightly sweet-tasting and crunchy Teddy Grahams with other fun, kid-size snack favorites, such as Honey Maid Grahams Bees, Cheese Nips Crackers, raisins and pretzels.

They sent me two boxes of the stuff (one of each kind) and I have to say, I don't see the attraction. When I opened them, I didn't see a raisin in either box. I can only assume they sifted to the bottom during transport...I'll let you know as soon as we get to the bottom of the box. And the taste? I like Teddy Grahams just fine by themselves...so it was kind of strange to me having other stuff mixed in with it. BUT I'm not a kid. After my six-year-old got over the initial, "teddy grahams are for LITTLE kids," he ate half of one box. So...I guess he likes it. And I can definitely see the mom-attraction for throwing in a diaper bag and taking on a day trip out somewhere. Unlike some other takealong snacks, this has a little variety to keep the kids interested.

So anyway...more about bzzagent...

They also have what they call a "frogpond" where people submit websites for bzzagents to visit and review. On my sidebar is a badge linking you to my reviews of certain "frogs." If you'd like to click through, you might find some interesting sites to add to your daily web surfing (truemomconfessions is on there and I know some of you already read that site like I do).

As fair warning, I may occasionally link directly to something in a post...if it's a really good/useful/fun site. And I get "points" if people click through to the site using my link. You don't even have to read it or anything...just click through and then go on with your regular business. I promise I won't do it too often...but sometimes I'm just going to HAVE to.

Like today's frogs...one is a site I already visit often and can't say enough good things about...and the other just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside...

Petfinder.com

You know I love the furbabies. Go ahead, click through. And if you need help locating an animal in need of adoption, feel free to give me a shout. My animal rescue "specialty" is coordinating volunteer ground transport.

Wish Upon a Hero is great if you've ever said to yourself, "I'd love to help someone...do something good for the world...but I don't want to make a big committment of time or money." I'm a bit hesitant that it can perpetuate scams...but I'll reserve judgment for now.

This post is all over the place...so I'm going to end it here. Thanks for helping me out. And if you try Teddy Grahams Trail Mix (for yourself or your kids), would you let me know?

Serious coupon clipping

This is just so cool! Look at those vintage coupons! But with no expiration date...they should still work. I am seriously impressed.

Miscellaneous thoughts

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This past week has been tough. My uncle's cancer is back, this time at the base of the tongue and the tonsil. The thoughts of treatment options and possible outcomes are overwhelming for him and my aunt. They are never far from my thoughts as they face this.

And though my feelings are but a drop in the bucket comparatively speaking, I'm particularly angry because he and my aunt have already been through so much in the last few years. They took care of my grandparents in their home during their last years. This was supposed to be their time to relax...travel...eat good food...just enjoy life. Like so many other things in this life, it's just so so unfair.
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I thought this was weird...until I read this.

Starting a piece of music inherently implies an intention to finish it. So starting a 639-year piece is, among other things, an extraordinary statement of human hope. it implies that we may still be here in 639 years, and that the intervening generations, with all their own changing concerns and values and ordeals, will nonetheless pick up the baton and run with the project we have begun. It is, in other words, a perfect metaphor for human life itself.
-------------------------------------
Sam and I were watching Danity Kane on Nashville Star the other night. Trina is sporting a new hairdo that is long on one side and cut into a short bob on the other. It looks good on her.

Building on our earlier conversation about when our schedules might allow me time to get my hair cut this week, I laughed and said, "Maybe I should get my hair cut like that."

Sam was all for the idea, even when I said, "But Sam, I'm no rock star."

"Mommy, go ahead and get your hair cut like that and I'll TEACH you how to be a rock star."
-------------------------------------
I took the advice to slow down given to me earlier this year and did not plant a garden at all. In fact, my three tomato plants from my dad are still in pots in my kitchen. I'm going to drop them in the ground this week and hope for a long summer so I might get one or two tomatoes.

I'm kind of wishing I had gone ahead with all my plans, despite the lack of quality time to spend in a garden. But I think I can overcome that self-disappointment by shopping at some farmer's markets this summer. Next year I vow to get a fabulous garden in. I'm already planning.
-------------------------------------
Got this email from one of the paralegals in my office...
Me and R have been talking and this whole Myles thing is not working out. So we have decided you either need to work something out where he comes in to see us once a week or we are going to go ask T (the boss) if we can work one day a week from home, YOUR home. *insert evil laugh here*
-------------------------------------
I recently made the acquaintence of a person who does wedding photography "on the side." He seemed nice enough, but after seeing a few of his pictures, I'm not overly impressed. This has the wheels turning in my brain. I studied videography, photography's not-to-distant cousin, in college. I enjoy taking photographs. I love wedding stuff. And even at a cheap cheap cheap rate, I think I could make it work (financially) on one booking a week. I wonder...

This may be another in a long line of hairbrained schemes...who knows.

I'm also applying for a job as the Animal Protective League's shelter director here in my county. I'm assuming there will not be enough money in it that it would be acceptable for my family's way of life (we are partial to eating regularly). But I'm workign with the philosophy that it can't hurt to try.
-------------------------------------
This is a great little bracelet.

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I've been struggling this past few weeks with serious feelings of inadequacy. My home is filthy. I'm not particularly good at what I do for a living. And I dream...of things that seem out of my reach. I can feel the need for big changes. I'm just not sure how or where to make them.
-------------------------------------
I have been spending a lot of time working on MOM Project stuff. A lot of progress that I'm particularly proud of. Now if I could just find some uninterrupted time to make some bracelets.

ah...if wishes were pennies...
-------------------------------------
Happy Independence Day to my fellow Americans!
-------------------------------------

Another reason I love the Wiggles

No longer surrounded by darkness...the founders of the Wiggles share their story of love and loss and healing.

(I'm sitting here in tears)

Whiskers on Wednesday

Welcome to the world Georgia Mae!

Congratulations to Brenda and Scott!!!

My bargains this week

$25.33 at CVS

It was a good (but not great) week for the bargain shopping...though Sam is really happy with all the batteries for his Thomas the Tank Engine trains.

And as if by some magical alignment of the planets, punch balloons sell for $0.50 each at Walgreens. I bought six.

I was also able to stock up on their boxed assorted birthday cards. I got 24 cards for $3! Yay! Now I just have to remember to send them at the appropriate times...

I went to the grocery store and spent $105.21 for groceries for the week. And SAVED $48.81!!!

If anyone knows anything...

...it'd be you ladies...

Does anyone know anything about Brenda???

(AND...I've lost my password...grrrr!)

New York Legislators Kill Bill for Grieving Mothers

Albany, NY (June 26, 2008) --- SB8960 would have helped to provide much-needed comfort, dignity, and accurate documentation to women and their families experiencing the death of a baby just prior to or during birth. Yet, despite overwhelming support from individual legislators, including 53 Democrat and Republican sponsors, a powerful minority of reproductive rights activist legislators have “killed the bill” as of 11:00 p.m. on the last day of session.

All states, including New York, wherein nearly 2000 babies are stillborn each year, require the family to pay for funeral expenses, and a death certificate/report is issued after a stillbirth. Yet, New York, unlike 23 other states, will not offer women the choice of a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth. During a presidential election year, when women’s choices are a top priority for candidates, this topic is highly provocative.

“There is an enormity to this public health issue,” says Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, an expert in traumatic child death. “More than ten times the number of babies die of stillbirth than those who die of SIDS, yet it’s virtually invisible.” Part of the problem, according to grieving parents, Jeff and Lori Tieger of Staten Island, is that families experiencing stillbirth have been silenced due to abortion politics. On June 15th, the Tieger’s held an important Father’s Day Press Conference on the steps of the New York legislature, where they also had a brief conversation with Speaker Sheldon Silver who assured grieving parents personally that, “We’re moving your bill.”

However, by the end of session that day, the bill was being held for consideration due to vociferous opposition from Helene Weinstein (D-Brooklyn). Yet, Weinstein's own county is in the top three in all of New York for stillbirth rates where one in 92 births results in stillbirth. “Assemblywoman Weinstein did not act on behalf of her constituents. She attended to the demands of large lobbying organizations supporting her position in the Assembly, and together they fought against grieving mothers,” said activist Paige Ricci of Malta. “I mean, how can you say you’re pro-woman, pro-children, and pro-choice and yet oppose a bill that advocates for women, children, and choices?”

Dr. Cacciatore asserts that, “grieving mothers are being thrust into the middle of an acrimonious, long standing battle, as pawns in a political debate that has absolutely nothing to do with them.” Advocates for the legislation will continue their ongoing battle in New York for the third legislative session. Lori Tieger is committed to this fight in memory of her son, Daniel, who died just prior to birth at full term for unknown causes. “I’ll keep coming back and fighting this year after year until we are successful. It is time for New York to do what is right for all women.”For more information, please visit the legislative page at: http://www.missingangelsbill.org
and http://www.DanielsStar.org


*A personal message from Jeff and Lori:

Dear Friends,

The fight will continue in New York State.

We are very disappointed and saddened to say that our bill was killed last night at 11pm…talk about the final hour.

We are planning to expose this injustice for what it is, and we will be working toward alerting the national media of this transgression against grieving families.

We want to thank each of you who responded to our call to action.

During the final two weeks of session, the entire Ways and Means Committee have been inundated with calls, e-mails, and faxes in support of our bill.

They were answering their phones asking if the call was in reference to “the birth certificate”. You filled voice mail boxes over the weekends. And many of you have pledged your efforts when session starts again. We have more people and momentum than ever.

I am sure there are a few people who would like to ask Ms. Weinstein some questions.
Please feel free to contact her by e-mail weinsth@assembly.state.ny.us and by phone 718-648-4700 (district) and 518-455-5462 (Albany).

A lifelong friend of ours created a video to help communicate our message. He gave up his Father’s Day to join us at NY City Hall and record the press conference.

Please pass along the You Tube link to our video. NY CBRS

As always, thank you for your guidance and support. This is a tremendous disappointment, but we will be back stronger than ever and much better prepared for next session.

For all our children,
Jeff and Lori Tieger

It's the end of the world...

...when you're six years old
and you get a big red punch balloon as a party favor
and you and your father blow it up with an air pump while your mother laughs
and you enjoy exactly thirty-seven minutes of playing with it
before it pops...

*I just want my balloooooooonnn...
I love that balloooooooonnn...
I didn't want it to pooooooopppp...
It was my faaaaaaavorite.
(repeat from * ad nauseum)

The boy has a zillion dollars worth of fancy toys to play with. Yet the untimely destruction of a $0.50 punch balloon is enough to send him into a hysterical fit of grief and despair.

Oh, to be six years old again...

Not urban legend

i’m is an initiative from Microsoft. Every time you use Windows Live™ Messenger or Windows Live Hotmail®, our free webmail service, Microsoft shares a portion of the program's advertising revenue with an organization of your choice from a selection of some of the world's most effective organizations dedicated to social causes. We've set no cap on the amount we'll donate to each organization. The sky's the limit. And it's free.

i’m is about making a difference. Not in a huge expensive way, not in a time-consuming way. But in a simple, effective way.

You won't have to change your conversation to change the conversation. With every e-mail and instant message, you help address an issue you feel passionate about, including poverty, child protection, disease, environmental degradation and animal protection. Just join and start talking, and we'll start giving.

Join now

Bloggers...watch the i'm talkathon.

Welcome to the world Sophia Grace and Danielle Joy!

My dear friend, M, delivered her twin girls early via c-section. According to M's mother-in-law, Dani weighed 3.4 lbs and Sophia weighed 3.14 lbs (so tiny). I don't have any more details yet, but I hope that all is well and everyone is happy and healthy.

Gotta be some kind of record

Two days at daycare and the littlest one brought home the creeping crud. Snot and vomit for a week from him...now he's feeling better and Steve and I are sick. Fun stuff. (H...I'm just going to apologize in advance if any of you gets sick. I really thought he was over it and since we hadn't gotten sick, I figured we weren't contagious. I was wrong. I'm so so sorry.)

But on a positive note...Myles is seven months old (can you believe that?) and weighs 19 lbs, 1 oz. He is 27.5 inches tall. He had NO problems adapting to daycare and seems generally happy.

We took both boys to get studio photos taken and ended up spending A LOT of money. We couldn't help ourselves. We've waited SO LONG to have photos of our children together. Not that Sam's solo photos aren't gorgeous. But the cutesy "Brothers from the start, Friends to the end" that was printed on one of the portraits means something entirely different to me.

One of the things that caused me an enormous amount of pain in the days after Alex died was hearing friends talk about the interaction of their living children with each other. Such a joy to see how they love each other. So thrilling to see them interacting with one another. So painful to know how my boys were cheated.

To some extent, I still have "ghost child" issues when I see young siblings together. Sometimes the anger bubbles up. Sometimes it's just a sad smile that crosses my lips when I think of what was lost.

I long to see my boys TOGETHER...a wish that can never really come true.

I only had to excuse myself from the portrait studio once to wipe the tears from my eyes.

Thank you Secret Pal

This was waiting for me last night when I got home from Sam's tee-ball game. A handmade stamped card, a gauge ruler, a magnetic list pad, and some adorable stitch markers. Thank you Secret Pal!

Edited to add:
Oh MY! It's a good thing my son wanted to play with the box! He took out the tissue on the bottom and discovered the most gorgeous handpainted cashmere yarn! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! (I WILL be checking packages more closely from now on!)

Stillbirth news

--------------------------------------
First Candle is pleased to announce its full support of the Preventing Stillbirth and Sudden Unexpected Infant Death Act of 2008 which was introduced on Tuesday, June 17th by U.S. Senator Barack Obama of Illinois. The bill would establish a national stillbirth and SUID registry and promote prevention and risk reduction activities nationwide.

Each year, more than 25,000 women in the United States experience a stillbirth and approximately 4,500 infants die suddenly and unexpectedly. First Candle, a leading health organization dedicated to safe pregnancies and the survival of babies through the first year of life, has served as a lead advisor to Senator Obama in crafting the bill.

First Candle urges you to write to your Senators and encourage them to join Senator Obama by adding their name as cosponsor of this important legislation.

Additionally, we also invite you to support H.R. 5979, the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act of 2008, introduced by Congressman Peter King of New York.

To learn more today about these groundbreaking bills visit www.firstcandle.org. Thank you for your support in the belief that every baby should live.
--------------------------------------
Andre Ware, shares his story about becoming a father.
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'No stillbirth link' to Caesarean
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Chlorine in tap water 'nearly doubles the risk of birth defects'
--------------------------------------

Quick question

How long do you have, after a baby is born, to send a baby gift? Does it become inappropriate after a certain length of time?

Father's Day 08

We shared a look when the visibly pregnant woman walked by...two small children bouncing around her...cigarette in her hand. I glanced at him and saw the hurt in his eyes. In one split second we both KNEW what the other was thinking. "I know...can you believe THAT?...some people don't have a clue...I want to run up and shake her and yell about our two dead babies and how incredibly lucky she is...how incredibly SELFISH and STUPID she is...but let's not talk about it ok?...let's leave it alone for today...we all need a break from the hurt today."

This shared perspective...shared pain...it's always there. Even on Father's Day at the zoo with the two beautiful boys we love more than anything in this world. ESPECIALLY on Father's Day with our two beautiful boys.

It was a glorious day for which there are happy memories that will always make us smile...and that one moment when all the pain of our world was unleashed and simultaneously stuffed back into its cage...growling and snarling and taunting us with gnashing teeth...all within that one brief glance between our two wounded souls. One second shared and deliberately passed for the sake of some peace.

Miscellaneous thoughts

Last weekend we had a brief and very violent windstorm that tore a healthy limb from the giant old oak tree in our front yard. That limb crashed down on the power line running from the roadside pole to our house...literally ripping the electric connection from the side of our house. Had to call the fire department so they could tape off the area in this oh-so-lovely DANGER tape.

We were without power overnight and only given a temporary connection by the power company. We had to call a licensed electrician to repair the damage lines and connection on the house itself.

Since we had no idea how much such a repair should run us, I called my connections at the county building department and asked for the name of a couple reputable electricians. Steve called a couple of them with the intention of getting a quote. One replied to a message left on his voicemail and said he was headed out to our house to "see what we have going on."

By the next day we still hadn't heard back from him, so Steve called and left a message asking what was up. They called back later that day...to apologize for having ALREADY DONE THE WORK. No written authorization. No quote. No communication whatsoever.

We're in the process of trying to find out how much other people WOULD HAVE charged...just to check. I really hope we didn't get scammed because I really don't want to have to fight about this.

The really funny thing is, our last contractor would take DAYS to do the simplest of jobs. It seems we've found the opposite extreme in this new guy. I'm beginning to wonder if there is a happy medium.
--------------------------------------
Went to McDonald's for dinner and so Sam could play on the Playplace for a while. I caught him being nice and helping a little girl he didn't know climb up the giant tower.

Sometimes he surprises me in such good ways.
--------------------------------------
I need to think of a good thank you gift for my boss. What do you know about Scotch?

Speaking of alcohol...I'd love to try Smirnoff Mojito but am put off by the giant size of the bottle. What if I don't like it? Anyone tried it?
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My brother is engaged! Congratulations to him and his fiancee!
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Myles loves daycare. I can't even imagine what I was so worried about now.
--------------------------------------
I'm learning to bargain shop. It's fun. Kind of like a giant treasure hunt. I'm going to start a running total over in my sidebar (stole the idea from another blog). Tonight's trip was most impressive. All this for $0.05.
--------------------------------------
I have to sign Sam up for some summer activities...for after t-ball is finished. Basketball "camp," soccer "camp," and flag football "camp" seem to be the frontrunners. Each takes about an hour in the evenings for one week. It's a pain in the ass logistics-wise, but I really want to be sure he gets out from in front of the tv/playstation enough to stay active and not get fat like his mama and daddy.
--------------------------------------
Star Wars Episode VI DVD release: For the DVD release of the original trilogy, Christensen was edited in to replace Sebastian Shaw as the Force ghost of Anakin. That is just wrong.
--------------------------------------
Good thoughts are going out to Claire's Friends for tomorrow's Butterfly Tea. Three years and one thousand memorial bracelets...Congratulations!
--------------------------------------
I have time on my hands today. I think I'm going to do something crafty. Now I just have to settle on what that will be...
--------------------------------------

Back to the future

This place has become awkward for me and I've been trying to pinpoint why. Yes, there is the standard, "If Alex had lived, Myles wouldn't be here," issue to deal with. But I expected that. I didn't expect these other complicated thoughts to create such a block that seem to make it impossible to write at all. I've given it a lot of thought and I have come up with three reasons I'm having difficulty here in this space...

1. I am suffering from some strange sort of survivor's guilt. It feels foreign to be happy and it feels even more foreign to express that I'm happy. But next to the happiness is the fear...sitting quietly in the wings waiting to take center stage. I keep waiting...for those familiar grief feelings to drop on me like a lead balloon...squashing me into oblivion.

I'm also ever-aware of what it's like to NOT be happy and how my happiness might unintentionally cause someone reading this blog additional pain. I haven't been entirely truthful here. I DO write for me, but I also DO censor myself quite a bit to save myself any additional drama that might be created by my being completely honest. Now is no different. I COULD wax poetic about life now...about the healing that Myles has brought to my life...but it seems redundant and unnecessarily hurtful to some of my dearest blogosphere friends.

2. It seems somehow wrong to use this place to talk about Myles...as if I'm treading on holy ground and/or disrespecting the memories of Alex and Travis by using this place to talk about the little brother they never got to meet. This also ties in to #3.

3. "I hate to say it, but if Alex had lived, I'm not sure how we would have managed (financially)." This simple truth makes me feel sick. I do not want to ever find a silver lining. I do not ever want to feel even the tiniest bit of relief that my child died. But I do and I am not emotionally equipped to process this, let alone the feeling of happiness I feel when I look at Myles.

It's like a ball of yarn that gets tangled. I know it's all one piece and all I have to do is unravel it in order to be able to use it to create something beautiful...but I just can't unwork the knots.

So I'm not sure where this leaves me as far as this blog goes. I'm not sure if the emotional baggage in this place will allow me room to say what I want to say. But I am also not sure I want to let a little bit of complicated emotional untangling to run me off of a place I've felt so at home for so long. This place was home before the bad stuff and I'd like it to remain home now that I'm through the bad stuff (knock on wood). But I worry that it's like my colleague and I were talking about earlier...once you wear that cute little black dress to a funeral, it ceases being the little black dress and becomes your funeral dress...there is no going back.

So if I'm quiet for a while, just know that I'm working it out in my head. I will let you, dear internets, know where I land.

Days go by

Tomorrow is the big day. The bottles, baby food, bowl, spoon, bib, diapers, wipes, change of clothes, toys, blankets and binkies are all packed in the daycare bag that used to be Sam's.

I know it's going to be fine. I know it. But it still hurts a little bit.

Wish us both luck...that we don't miss each other so much that we fall apart...me more than him.

All the news that's fit to print

The lawnmower is broken and the lawn is a veritable jungle complete with its own wildlife population. My gardens are a mess because I'm never home with two free hands when it's not raining or humid and HOT (like a zillion degrees). I'm slightly overwhelmed by my gardens, to be honest. They are so far-gone that I just don't even know where to start. I tried pulling weeds a few weeks back (it's a great exercise when you're angry with your husband)...but it started to rain and I didn't get very far. I'm hoping to really get to it on Sunday...if for nothing else than to get some bulbs and veggie plants in the ground.

Things SHOULD be calm for the summer. But even as I type that, I'm making a mental list of all the upcoming events we've planned "for fun." I know if they're anything like the "fun" things we've been doing lately, I will be glad when they are over and I can quietly peruse the photos from the comfort of my nice comfy sofa. Tomorrow is supposed to be Sam's annual birthday trip to the zoo, but they're calling for isolated thunderstorms so we'll see.

Sam won a ticket to a minor league baseball game as a prize for participating in a reading program. While at the ballpark, we had a happy birthday greeting run on the scoreboard for him, but he didn't see it because he was too busy playing around with his friends. The money went to charity, so I can't complain. And I got a picture...so we can tease him about that for many years to come.

Myles was not impressed with the loudness of the ballgame. And since it was Daddy's birthday, I gave him a break from the screaming baby during the game. That was fun. (/sarcasm)

The big sixth birthday bash went off without a hitch. I think everyone had fun. I know I did...as evidenced by sheer exhaustion by the end of the day.

T-ball had been going well until the game earlier this week when my ham of a son grabbed hold of the coach's batting tee and broke it. He "was sliding and couldn't stop." In t-ball. Sliding. Really?!?! (sigh)

Tuesday morning was Sam's kindergarten program/graduation. Anyone who knows me at all probably expected that I would cry. I did. I'm just so proud of that little boy. I know it sounds cliche to say that time goes so fast...but it really does. I look at this little person who was a not-so-tiny baby just six short years ago...and I really can not believe how AMAZING he is.

Myles is just cuter and cuter every day. He lights up the room when he smiles or giggles. We'll see how big he is at his six-month appointment in two weeks. I suspect he's outgrown his infant carrier...at least that's what my aching arms tell me when I try to lug him around. Let me tell you...the sling is my friend.

Next week is supposed to be the first week of daycare for the boys. Though it's a bit complicated, I'm working it out in my heart and my head as best I can. Yesterday's office drama apparently included much talk about me. Nobody has the nerve to talk WITH me...but they apparently have no problem expressing their displeasure ABOUT me to my boss. And so Myles' last day at the office was actually Tuesday, instead of today as planned. I don't understand why people just can't mind their own business...but it seems they can't. It's a shame, really, that it had to end that way after going relatively well for the past five months.

I have no good reason for not blogging recently. I'm not particularly busy...haven't accomplished anything spectacular. I have tried to write some things but I always find myself debating whether to hit the publish button...and ultimately choose not to. There are reasons for this that I'm trying to sort out. Maybe I'll blog about it...maybe not.

Secret Pal 12!

1. What is/are your favorite yarn/s to knit with? What fibers do you absolutely *not* like? My recent favorite is anything with bamboo in it. I also enjoy alpaca and, of course, silk. I do NOT like wool because I'm allergic. It kind of takes the fun out of stitching if I turn into an itchy strawberry who sneezes.

2. What do you use to store your needles/hooks in?
I have a wicker hamper that I use at home and a needle roll for travel (it came with the Mary Poppins style sewing bag a friend gave me).

3. How long have you been knitting & how did you learn? Would you consider your skill level to be beginner, intermediate or advanced?
I am a beginning knitter and an advanced crocheter. My mom introduced me many moons ago and I've been doing it off and on ever since.

4. Do you have an Amazon or other online wish list?
Amazon - yes

5. What's your favorite scent?
Sweet and/or homey scents...vanilla, cinnamon, mint

6. Do you have a sweet tooth? Favorite candy?
Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. :o)

7. What other crafts or Do-It-Yourself things do you like to do? Do you spin?
I do not spin. I sew and scrapbook, though I haven't had time to do either lately.

8. What kind of music do you like? Can your computer/stereo play MP3s? (if your buddy wants to make you a CD)
Country music mostly.

9. What's your favorite color(s)? Any colors you just can't stand?
LOVE purples. Not a fan of neon colors.

10. What is your family situation? Do you have any pets?
Married, 14 years this August. Two living children...Sam is 6 and Myles is 6 months. Two stillborn children (all of my children inspire me daily). Two horses, five dogs, two cats and two fish.

11. Do you wear scarves, hats, mittens or ponchos?
Scarves, hats and mittens. I can't stand ponchos.

12. What is/are your favorite item/s to knit?
I like to knit straight line items...scarves, blankets, and the like. I like to crochet just about anything. I get a lot of pleasure out of stitching gifts for other people. I really enjoy stitching for charity as well...preemies and stillborn babies mainly.

13. What are you knitting right now?
An overdue baby blanket for a friends baby. I'm ashamed to admit she might get it by the time he's one year old. I'm also crocheting a granny-square blanket for a friend (been working on it for two years now). With any luck, it will end up being a housewarming present for her in her new house.

14. Do you like to receive handmade gifts?
LOVE it!

15. Do you prefer straight or circular needles? Bamboo, aluminum, plastic?
I prefer straight, but I think that might just be because I've got only one pair of crappy plastic circulars. I really like my one pair of bamboo knitting needles and I would LOVE to have Lacis ebony or rosewood crochet hooks.

16. Do you own a yarn winder and/or swift?
Neither.

17. How old is your oldest UFO?
Probably the two-year old granny-square blanket. I typically do projects from start to finish...but the repetition in this one is killing me.

18. What is your favorite holiday?
Christmas and my birthday are tied...though I guess my birthday isn't really a holiday, is it?

19. Is there anything that you collect?
Besides yarn? Nope.

20. Any books, yarns, needles or patterns out there you are dying to get your hands on? What knitting magazine subscriptions do you have?
I can't really think of anything...but I haven't looked in a while. I really really really LOVE handpainted/hand-dyed yarns...but it's hard to find many that aren't wool. I don't have any subscriptions, but would love Interweave Crochet.

21. Are there any new techniques you'd like to learn?
I'd like to learn intarsia, but I think that's way beyond my skill level at this point.

22. Are you a sock knitter? What are your foot measurements?
No, I'm not a sock knitter. The idea of more than two knitting needles scares me.
I wear a ladies size 10 shoe.

23. When is your birthday?
2/8

24. Are you on Ravelry? If so, what's your ID?
Yes! My ID is Kate94651

Weekly SP questions

What's your favorite summertime drink?

For some unknown reason, iced tea is strongly associated with summertime for me. I like flavored tea all the time (hot and cold) and my particular favorite is peach.

As a kid, what did you look forward to most about summer vacation/break/holiday?

Riding bikes from sun up until sundown (and sometimes later). We lived in a little subdivision with cul-de-sacs at either end of a pretty big hill. My best friend lived at one end and we lived at the other. We would go back and forth between our houses all day long. Coasting down that hill...so much fun.

What would you consider the perfect amount of stash?

I thought you could never have enough...and seeing this proves my theory correct. Still.Not.Enough. I think I will never see a "perfect" amount of stash in my lifetime...though I'm going to have a lot of fun TRYING.

What yarn (that you don’t have/haven’t used) would make your stash “complete”? What yarn do you never want to be without?

There isn't anything really to make my stash complete. I'm a yarn feeler and compulsive buyer...so I usually snatch up whenever I feel something on sale that I like. I never want to be without the Bernat bamboo blend...or alpaca/silk blend...I LOVE them both. I'm just mostly a silky softness freak...whatever FEELS good. My dirty little secret is that I love working with Lion Brand Microspun because the texture is awesome.

Where is your favorite place to go for vacation/holiday? Where is one place you’d like to go?

Favorite vacation so far in my life has got to be Wyoming. I KNOW...WYOMING?!?! Steve and I drove out in my Jeep Wrangler with the wind in our hair (insert snarky comment about Steve's balding), camped out at a campground on the edge of a cattle ranch, hung out with real cowboys at the rodeo, and laughed at the repetitiveness of the Neal McCoy concert (Smokin' in the Boys Room? REALLY?!?!)

One place I'd like to go? Europe. I love the history and the architecture and the different pace of life.

What is your favorite type of project to take along on holiday/vacation?

Granny squares. I usually take them with me whenever we go on a vacation. They're small and don't make me sweat because they're laying across my lap. Plus, I can stash the completed ones wherever as I finish them and not worry that if I lose one (or one gets damaged during vacation fun) the whole project will be ruined.

What is(are) your favorite place(s) to knit? What supplies (besides yarn & needles) make the setting perfect for knitting?

My living room and the car (not while I'm driving, obviously). I like to listen to the tv and have a glass of diet dr. pepper while I'm stitching (except during the winter I like to drink coffee or tea).

What is your favorite supper for a hot summer evening?

I personally love chicken salad on croissant sandwiches. But my guys don't eat that sort of thing, so anything Steve grills outside is usually what we have.

Have you ever entered your knitting (or anything else) in the fair? Would you ever consider it?

I HAVE considered it. In fact, I was THIS close to entering something this year, but just didn't get my act together in time to meet the submission deadline. Next year I think I'm going to go for it. I'm hoping to have at least one sewing project, one crochet project, and one photograph entered. I'd like to do more, but I'm starting with small goals so I have a hope of actually reaching them.

What Olympic event would best describe you knitting/knitting style?

The marathon...because it takes forever. Ba-dum-bum!

What is the best thing you've ever received in the mail/post?

When Alex died, my friends all around the country chose fabric and sent their selections to one particularly crafty friend to put together in a quilt. It is beautiful and heartfelt and I treasure it.

I’m sure most of us have a proudest moment when it comes to knitting. A project or technique that you’ve tackled and completed beautifully. What is your proudest knitting moment??

And on the flip side? What is the one thing that you can’t get right? What is that one project that you’ve never been able to complete? Or that you did complete but then hid away instantly because it was too embarrassing?

My proudest CROCHET moment was when I completed the christening gown for my coworker's son. He was born just after I lost Alex and I now get some (sometimes bittersweet) comfort by watching him grow. Being able to make something special for his special day was an honor.

One thing I can't get right? Most knitting. I'm a terrible knitter. *sigh*