Atheism

Someone told me I would go to hell if I didn't stop being angry with God...if I didn't stop questioning Him. I deleted that email immediately with a deep breath and shaking hands. I wish now that I had saved it...printed it...framed it. For it was in that one instant that I realized I wasn't angry with God anymore...I didn't doubt God anymore.

I heard a door slam shut and in that instant I realized that I simply don't believe.

And that is where I found my peace.

No longer begging after a God who can never fulfill my needs has made me see life in a way that I never have before (it's funny how the threats of eternal damnation lose their power when you don't believe in them anymore).

I firmly believe and state it here for the record that this is it. This is all there is. And we better not waste one single second of it.

How do I know this? What was there before I was born? Nothing. At least nothing that I am conscious of. I can get all scientific and talk of potential and kinetic energy...but I know, as sure as I'm sitting here, that my existence lives on after I die on this earth...not in some lavish storage facility in heaven.

I was with my dead sons in this life for a short time and that is all I'm going to get. There is no more time. Whatever it was that made them a part of this existence is no longer. That makes me immeasurably sad. But it is a fact of life...of existence. That we all, at some point, simply cease to be. Just as we, at some point, began.

Before I was born there was nothing (at least, nothing that I remember). I anticipate that my death will be the same. There will be nothing more. And I am freed by that thought because it means that I have THIS moment to savor...THIS life to live.

$0.22

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Super Double Coupons at Kmart...saved $88!!!
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"Americans are frightened right now"

No, Senator McCain, we're pi$$ed off. You need to recognize and appreciate the difference.

*sigh*

Myles' daycare called. Vomit, 103-degree temperature, and crankiness...and my resulting mommy guilt. The doctor has no more appointments today so we were directed to the emergency room. Should be almost as fun as sitting out in the rain watching Sam half-heartedly play soccer (an activity about which I now wonder "what were we thinking?").

Further exploring of the crap that is my life postponed until further notice. It's just depressing.

Wanna place your bets as to whether it's another ear infection or he caught his brother's strep throat?

Home invasion

Now I know what it feels like to be attacked in your own home.

Today we received some election mail. I can't believe the nerve of them sending this to our home...but there it was...

The front:

Vote "Yes" for Responsible Rezoning

Issue 19 is NOT a tax increase

The Township Zoning Commission voted unanimously 5-0, to approve the rezoning. Voting "Yes" on Issue 19 reaffirms their decision.

Voting "Yes" on Issue 19 will keep Township financially strong by providing much needed taxes and revenue to our community. That's especially important in a tough economy.

A "Yes" vote on Issue 19 will result in expanded wetlands and habitat for wildlife - helping make Township a leader in environmental stewardship.

On the back:

What is Issue 19?

Issue 19 is a ballot issue to reaffirm the recommendation of the Township Zoning Commission as adopted by Township Trustees to rezone 229 acres of land from R-1 to WM.

A "Yes" vote will allow the rezoning to occur as the Township Zoning Commission recommends. It does not guarantee a landfill expansion, which requires additional public hearings and approval by the Ohio EPA.

What does Issue 19 do for Township?

Voting "Yes" on Issue 19 means the community won't have to raise taxes or cut services to cover the loss of $532,000 annually to Township, City Schools and County. We can't afford higher taxes!

Voting "Yes" on Issue 19 protects our regional watershed and local environment. A "Yes" vote means the closed D Landfill can be moved away from C Creek to a modern, lined landfill with EPA oversight, at no cost to Township.

Supported by the Area Chamber of Commerce

Yes on Issue 19

Paid for by Citizens for Township, EJ, Treasurer (the landfill manager).

On the day that the stock market fell almost 800 points (the greatest single day plunge ever), we get to contemplate the total disaster that this house has become. The thing that gets us is that we weren't like those people who didn't plan ahead. We invested in this house not to make a profit but to make it our forever home. We didn't take any risky financial chances because it didn't even occur to us that we would leave here for many many years (if ever). Once again, we played by the rules only to find that it doesn't mean a hill of beans.

The simple fact is, despite the assurances by the landfill company, we don't trust their safety and we don't want to live by their dump...and neither does anybody else. A landfill expansion will render this house essentially valueless. Not our forever home...Not a re-sellable asset...

Everything we worked for...

I can't even think about it without crying.

Thank you Secret Pal!

This lovely package arrived today just when I needed a pick-me-up. Thank you secret pal!

I'm not sure if you can tell, but the washcloth has a C pattern to it and the glasses say "ripped" and "frogged" (stitching terms)...so cute!

Miscellaneous thoughts

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How soon is too soon to put up Halloween decorations?
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This blog is a jumble of miscellaneous thoughts. Perhaps this particular feature is redundant here? C'est la vie.
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I tried to knit myself a scarf and failed miserably. I think I'm finally giving up on knitting. It's just not for me. Now I need to find a good crochet scarf pattern...

Of course, there are SO many beautiful knitting patterns, I just might be motivated to try it again in the future. Who knows where time and insanity might take me!
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This weekend is the showdown between mommy and Sam. His room will be cleaned or he will not participate in anything fun. In fact, he is not allowed to leave his room until it is cleaned. Should be fun.
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Well duh!
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On the same day WaMu goes under, I get this email from them...

With kids back in school and a nip in the air, we’re suddenly reminded that the holidays are just around the corner.

Even if you’re not ready to hit the stores, you can cut down on holiday stress by saving a little extra cash today. With Online Savings at an amazing 4.00% APY and great rates on Money Market accounts, we have plenty of ways to kick your holiday savings into gear.

Learn more about your options and these great rates for saving for the holidays.

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Bare Escentuals cosmetic sales benefit UAN (United Animal Nations).

Today through November 13, Bare Escentuals will donate 100 percent of the net proceeds of its sales of Sanctuary Eyecolor to United Animal Nations.

The Sanctuary Eyecolor was created and named specifically to celebrate the relief that UAN provides for animals.

To ensure UAN receives the proceeds, the Sanctuary Eyecolor must be purchased at a Bare Escentuals boutique or on the Bare Escentuals Web site between September 26 and November 13.
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I will never understand the American idea of capitalism that says we don't accept handing out cash to families facing foreclosure but do accept handing BILLIONS to the banking industry who got themselves into a mess. If I default on my mortgage, tough cookies. If the CEO who makes $40 million a year bankrupts the company...the government will save them. *sigh*
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Anytime you begin to think the American public is smart enough to handle a Presidential election...visit the election twitter feed. It will alternately make you laugh and cry.
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I desperately want to take a photography class.
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The Friday before the local town festival is purple shirt day at Sam's school. It's a big deal and the kids win prizes, etc. Last year I was tie-dying a tshirt for him the night before because he failed to mention it until the night before. I had so much fun doing it that I planned ahead this year and bought supplies two days before...and planned to dye the night before without any stress.

Of course, with a six-year-old, nothing is ever stress-free. Sam didn't like the way the first t-shirt turned out..."not enough pattern" on it for him. He lost his cool and yelled at me...pouted and cried. I sent him to his room because I am so very tired of the temper tantrums.

I personally thought that the shirt wasn't quite the way I envisioned it and ran upstairs and grabbed a plain white t-shirt out of his underwear drawer and dyed it as well. It turned out great and I was so pleased...so was Sam once he was over his hysterics.

Today? Today he didn't wear either purple shirt! He blames his father for not "putting it out" for him to wear (despite it hanging in the bathroom in plain sight). And I am...in a word...pissed at them both. I turned myself inside out to make this happen...dealt with the attitude...and he doesn't even wear the damn shirt! I want to strangle him. No...I want to kick MYSELF for being a schmuck. Did I really think he would appreciate it? No...I knew it would be just another in a long line of things I do for him that goes without thanks. So why did I even bother?
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How will the 2008 election affect your tax bill?
(of course this was formulated pre-trillion dollar bailout...so who knows if it's even applicable now)
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As my mom always says...better to be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt. Sarah Palin should stop talking.
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Hurt feelings

I am not a confrontational person in my real life. When my feelings are hurt, I usually hide out and avoid the person while I stew about it for a good long while. After some time has passed, I will casually/sarcastically say something to the other person. Usually, his results in a definite lack of satisfaction in the area of hoped-for apologies.

I know the adult thing would be to address the person directly as soon as possible following the "injury," but I'm too afraid that my hurt feelings will come out as angry words and permanently injure whatever relationship I'm dealing with (as I type this I'm realizing there is a very different standard for my husband and I'm not sure if it's a positive or negative indicator of the status of our relationship). I've never had a lot of friends at any given moment in time, so I hold tight to the friendships I have. But while I'm stewing about my hurt feelings, I wonder what it says about me and those friendships that I can't be honest in the moment...that I can't say, "hey, this hurt my feelings."

Election Twitter

Oh NO! Now I'll never get ANY work done!

$700 billion?!?!

And just where are they going to get all that money?

And exactly who is getting paid?

And who is going to be responsible for oversight of this mammoth project?

“Just as we should have asked more questions about weapons of mass destruction six years ago before we found ourselves in this war,” Mr. [Senator Richard J.] Durbin [of Illinois, the No. 2 Democrat] said, “we need to ask questions today about where this is leading.”

The "plan" is three pages long. That's it. It started out as ONE page but was revised to add some additional language. $700 billion at stake and they only have time to think enough to write out three pages?!?! I deal with teeny tiny county contracts every day that have 40+ pages. Are our elected officials even doing their jobs anymore? It's clear they haven't put any REAL THOUGHT into this bailout plan.

By very crude math, I propose the following bailout...hand out $700 billion to the TAXPAYERS...every one of approximately 302 million people in the United States would get about $2300. I think that would stimulate the economy quite a bit. Don't you?

I'm going to be an aunt!

Quite honestly, I never thought I'd see the day my brother settled down to have kids. But he and his fiancee are expecting!

I know it's a long road and it's very early in the pregnancy (11weeks), but I can honestly say that I'm happy for them and the old demons aren't haunting me right now. I think I'm evolving!

Sam has strep throat

And I haven't had a shower yet today.

Fun times.

Dear Travis

I love you and I will never forget you.

Miscellaneous thoughts - Sunday edition

It's been QUITE a week. So let's see what my pea-sized brain can remember that was worth commenting about.
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Female lawyers, on average, make 77.8% less than their male counterparts. Nice.
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Steve was particularly perturbed at the tree that fell on his DISH Network dish last Sunday, knocking out television service just as he was settling in to watch the Cleveland Browns. In fact, he was willing to go out.in.the.storm.with.a.chainsaw to try to restore tv service. I gently reminded him (what-the-f***-are-you-doing-out-there-a-tree-could-fall-on-your-hard-head!?!?!) that it could wait and we would survive without television.

Electricity was restored on Tuesday evening. Wednesday morning's hot shower was WONDERFUL! Television service was not restored until yesterday and sadly for my tv-head family, I so enjoyed the week that I have now developed a plan to lessen the amount of time we sit in front of that idiot box.
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Sam left school early due to illness for the very first time this week. He was out running around at recess (before lunch) causing his reactive airway to act up. When he sat down at the lunch table he was coughing too hard and he made himself sick. Poor kid suffered the second worst embarrassment one can face in elementary school (the first being the potty accident of course...I STILL remember Tracy Tinkles...poor girl...I wonder how she is today...we were so cruel).

It was, however, kind of funny because I had not been able to get Sam's medical permission form signed by his doctor and therefore was forbidden from bringing his inhaler to school. They still don't have the form but they have now allowed me to leave his inhaler for his use anyway. In fact, the nurse REQUESTED it. Guess a little vomit here and there can work in my favor.
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I've been working hard on the MOM Project. This past week I sent out 56 Commemorative Birth Certificates and/or Recognition of Life certificates. I was feeling kind of burned out by this when I attended a seminar on effective communication for lawyers. One portion of the seminar was about persuasion and the inclusion of people in the decision-making process. People want to help others. In fact, helping other people releases serotonin in the brain making us feel good. I think this selfish desire to feel good (or at least better) is what has motivated me to keep working at these volunteer activities.
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Also headlining my effective communication seminar...me in tears.

It is apparently impossible for me to "silently listen" to anyone talk about death or children. For some reason my brain switches into hyper-drive whenever one of these topics is brought up and I can't turn off the thinking. I'm not sure if my life experiences have re-wired my brain permanently (I hope not), but it is interesting to be aware of what is happening and at least have a chance to TRY to focus outside of myself. I was, unfortunately, not very successful at this exercise during the seminar and the voice inside my head screaming, "YOU CAN NOT DO THIS! YOU CAN NOT FACE THIS HERE!" got the better of me. Can I tell you how unattractive it is to snot all over a stranger?
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I met the Ohio Secretary of State, Jennifer Brunner, the other day. I hope this year's election doesn't highlight Ohio's mistakes again (and I'm going to do whatever I can to help my county avoid any serious gaffes)...but if we do have trouble, I feel much more comfortable knowing the lady who is in charge. She is an interesting and smart lady.
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I need a Jedi costume for Sam for Halloween...but I'm cheap. I wonder if I could make one?
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Sam's not allowed to watch television until he cleans his room. He just said to me, "Mommy, Myles wants to watch a show...can I watch it with him?" My goodness, that kid is cute!
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My CVS total out of pocket for this week was $41.96 for:
1 can powdered similac ($2 off coupon on can)
2 jugs premade similac (sale 2/$10.99)
1 six-pack premade similac individual serve
2 cover girl lip glosses (BOGO coupon)
2 glade apple air freshener (BOGO coupon)
Spent $9 extracare bucks and got back $3 extracare bucks
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Myles' first trip to the beach was with Steve and Sam...and not me. *sigh*
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Myles did a header on the living room laminate floor and gave himself a temporary fat lip. There was blood. It wasn't pretty and I learned a valuable lesson about putting him down on the hard floor (don't do it).
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"Go wake your father up."

"Why, are we going to McDonalds?"

I think we go to McDonalds too much.
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My aunt called to ask me if there is anything out of my grandmother's house I would like to have because they are "cleaning it out." I assume they plan to sell it for grandma since she is permanently in a nursing home due to dementia. She is my only living grandparent and it seems ridiculous to ask for a coffee mug when the only thing I would really like would be to turn back time for her...for all of us.
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Sam joined the cub scouts and his first activity is selling popcorn to raise money for a campout. If anyone wants to order (I believe we're in the OH-Greater Cleveland Council), let me know via email.
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A sick kid saying, "I think I need to throw up," can strike fear into the hearts of the most seasoned of parents. I learned that Sam, if nothing else, is a man of his word...he did have to throw up. I think I can live without eating cheese for a while.
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Thank you!

Thank you Shanna!!! Not only does Sam LOVE it, but it arrived just in time to keep him warm while we had no power!

Electricity

Pardon the blog silence. The power went out at home on Sunday evening thanks to the remnants of Hurricane Ike and was just restored last evening. A hot shower never felt so good as the one this morning.

Mutt Monday

Precious

Frugal Friday

I did one trip to CVS this week...for me. Absolutely nothing we HAD TO have. But I justified it in order to satisfy my strong desire for candy and nailpolish.

CVS #1
2 Revlon Nail enamels
1 Renuzit Tri-scent starter kit
4 bags lifesavers candy
1 Hershey Cacao Reserve chocolate bar
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$16.88 spent
$15.38 saved
Plus I received $9 in ECBs to spend at a later date.

I really need to get a handle on the grocery situation around here. I've been tired and running ragged so I haven't wanted to cook. That has led to too many meals out...which is far too expensive for a decent budget. This week I hope to get it back under control and get back in the kitchen.

Where I show I'm not a nice person

"As for any concerns about the actual delivery process, Laila (Ali) is her usual outspoken self, laughing, "Now if I was the first woman in the world having a baby, I'd be scared to death!" However, she says she's feeling optimistic about the situation. "I have never experienced it for myself, but I see all of these other women that I know are nowhere near as strong as I am, physically, emotionally, mentally. So if they can do it, so can I."

"There's going to be pain," the 30-year-old says realistically. "My thing is learning the ways to reduce that pain, and be in control of yourself so you're not making it worse and working against yourself. I feel like I have an advantage just with my mind-set and with my experiences as an athlete and knowing my body."

And then today I read of her son's arrival today...and a rep's statement:

"Although mom and baby are both healthy and happy, there were some surprises during labor that altered Laila’s birth plan."

I not-so-nicely thought, "Now maybe she understands it's not about "advantages" and who is better prepared. I wonder if she'll talk about these "surprises" and acknowledge how absolutely arrogant she sounded before?"

Actually, I really thought, "Now maybe she'll shut the hell up."

Nice, huh?

Sometimes I don't like this new me.

Welcome to the world Josephine Eleanor Maud!

6 lbs, 4 oz and 18 inches long

Congratulations Bon and the whole family!

Parenting question #96740576937

How do you make them understand the importance of school? homework? grades? the "permanent file?"

I have always felt stress over school. While I did reasonably well in the grade department, it never came easy like it did for some of my friends and I always felt like a bit of a fraud because of it. I could hang with the smart kids, but I wasn't as smart as they were...I'm still not. A's were work and I felt disappointment with myself if I didn't get them.

In college several professors tried to teach me that it wasn't so much about the letter grade as it was what I LEARNED! A novel concept that freed me only slightly from the stress of attending classes and feeling unprepared. I couldn't fully commit to the idea because, after all, if it weren't about the letters they wouldn't give them, right?

Things didn't improve as my education continued. My law school career was peppered with smart ass comments from colleagues who I knew would get bigger and better jobs than I would. I was fine with that. I had a husband and a job and my focus was split. As long as I passed, I was happy to be on track for my "good" job...but not a "great" job.

But that's me. Now I have a child and I have to figure out how to teach him about the importance of these things without setting him up for the stress I felt all those years. He's in first grade now and things are different. Homework counts. Remembering things is important. Being responsible for your own achievements is an important lesson.

Tuesday he went to school without his backpack because he had left it in the minivan after Monday pickup. Today he went to school without the homework that was due today because he hurried while getting ready for school in the morning and didn't actually get the folder IN the backpack (found it lying on the kitchen floor when we got home after school). He was apparently not the only child who forgot their homework today and the teacher is giving them a "second chance" to turn it in tomorrow. I tried to talk to him about it and he says he cares. But I feel frustrated that he's not getting the significance and he may NOT get the significance until it's report card time and it's just too late to do anything about it. I don't want to freak him out, but I want him to understand WHY he needs to do better.

aaagghhh! Why can't this parenting gig come with a manual?

Patience is a virtue

Or so they say.

So this morning I patiently wait for good news from Bon.

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination: A Memoir, by Elizabeth McCracken

ELIZABETH MCCRACKEN
From Tuesday's Globe and Mail

September 9, 2008 at 9:24 AM EDT

Perhaps it goes without saying that I believe in the geographic cure. Of course you can't out-travel sadness. You will find it has smuggled itself along in your suitcase. It coats the camera lens, it flavours the local cuisine. In that different sunlight, it stands out, awkward, yours, honking in the brash vowels of your native tongue in otherwise quiet restaurants. You may even feel proud of its stubbornness as it follows you up the bell towers and monuments, as it pants in your ear while you take in the view. I travel not to get away from my troubles but to see how they look in front of famous buildings or on deserted beaches. I take them for walks. Sometimes I get them drunk. Back at home we generally understand each other better.

So at the end of February, when I was seven months pregnant, we took the train from Albany to New Orleans, where I'd been invited to give a reading. …

At a reception that week, I was chatting with the exceptionally lovely, soft-spoken woman who'd donated the money for the program that had brought me there. We sat in folding chairs against a wall, a few feet from the buffet table. Just small talk. She asked me how my pregnancy was going. Then she said, “I was so sorry when I heard about your first child. My first child was stillborn, too.”

My heart kicked on like a furnace. Suddenly tears were pouring down my face.

“Oh no!” said the woman. “I didn't mean for that to happen!”

I laughed and grabbed some napkins from the table and tried to explain myself, though even now it's hard to find the words. What came over me was gratitude and an entirely inappropriate love. I didn't know the woman, but I loved her. I'd felt the same thing meeting another couple on campus, a professor and his wife who'd written me when Pudding died to send condolences and to say that they'd had a daughter who was stillborn nearly 30 years before.

All I can say is, it's a sort of kinship, as though there is a family tree of grief. On this branch the lost children, on this the suicided parents, here the beloved mentally ill siblings. When something terrible happens, you discover all of a sudden that you have a new set of relatives, people with whom you can speak in the shorthand of cousins.

Twice now I have heard the story of someone who knows someone who's had a stillborn child since Pudding has died, and it's all I can do not to book a flight immediately, to show up somewhere I'm not wanted, just so that I can say, It happened to me, too, because it meant so much to me to hear it. It happened to me, too, meant: It's not your fault. And You are not a freak of nature. And This does not have to be a secret.

That's how it works. When a baby dies, other dead children become suddenly visible: Daughters and sons. First cousins. The neighbour kid. The first child. The last child. Your older brother. Some of their names have been forgotten; some never had names in the first place. They disappeared under heaps of advice. Don't dwell. Have another child, a makeup baby. Life is for the living. But then another baby dies, and here they are again, in stories, and you will love them all, and – if you are the mother of a dead child yourself – they will keep coming to you. A couple I know just lost their baby. And you will know that your lost child has appeared somewhere else in the world. I know a couple …

All those dead children. Who knows what they want?

In our better moments, we surely understand that the dead do not need anything. Afterlife, no afterlife: the dead have their needs taken care of. Oh, but isn't wanting things something else again, and don't we talk about it all the time. It's what he would have wanted. Her last wishes. Thank God for the dead; thank God someone is capable of making a decision in the worst of times: He would have liked it that way.

But a baby. Who's to say? Babies are born needing everything. They're a state of emergency. That's what they're for. Dead, there's nothing we can do for them, and we don't know what they'd want, we can't even guess. I can pretend that I knew Pudding. No, I did know him, not with my brain but with my body, and yet I know nothing about him, not even the simplest thing: I have no idea of what he'd want. And so in my grief I understand that mourning is a kind of ventriloquism; we put words into the mouths of our bereavers, but of course it's all entirely about us, our wants, our needs, the dead are satisfied, we are greedy, greedy, greedy, unseemly, self-obsessed. If your child did not survive his birth, everyone can see that clearly. I want. I need. Not him. No pretending.

I thought stillbirth was a thing of history, and then it happened to me, and yet now when I hear of a baby dying I'm just as incredulous. You mean they still haven't figured this out? I want to hear about every dead baby, everywhere in the world. I want to know their names, Christopher, Strick, Jonathan. I want their mothers to know about Pudding.

The dead don't need anything. The rest of us could use some company.

From the book An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination: A Memoir, by Elizabeth McCracken. Copyright © 2008 by Elizabeth McCracken. Reprinted with permission of Little, Brown and Company, New York. All rights reserved.

(I copied this from the Globe and Mail so that it will be here when, in time, the Globe and Mail deletes it from their server. It shouldn't get lost and I want it to be a part of my archives here. I will be seeking out this book, for sure.)

Thanks to Kristen for pointing this article out.

Edited to add a link to the excerpt in O Magazine.

What inspires you?

As I drove to work the other morning, I saw the same four Percherons I see every morning out in the same field where I always see them. Only this morning, there was a fog just lifting from the field and they stood there seemingly surrounded by a cloud...and I felt inspired. I was sad I hadn't brought my camera with me because the urge to take advantage of the photo opportunity was almost overwhelming. It would have been a beautiful shot...

I've had a hard time writing recently. Mostly because I don't know what to write about. I'm not a creative writer and have, to be honest, always dreaded creative writing assignments. I would break out in a cold sweat in school when the English teacher would announce creative writing time. I am, I have discovered, an emotional writer. I write from a place of passion...writing with abandon about those things I care most deeply about...censoring out all the "irrelevant" bits of my life (I figure the drudgery of my life is enough while I'm living it that I don't want to re-hash it in words that will record it forever). When the writing comes easy it is because I don't have to think about what I want to say. It just happens because I am inspired.

So I'm left with the question...what inspires me to write today? Like those grand horses in the mist, I'm on the lookout for those moments that inspire me to form words into sentences and air it all out in the open.

I forgot my lunch...not much inspiring about that.

Thank you Secret Pal!

With school and soccer starting this past week, I totally spaced and forgot to send out a thank you to my Secret Pal! She sent me a great "take care of me" package with an adorable teabag charm and caddie, a lemon slice teapot drip catcher, some yummy Dionis Sugar Hollow Spice goatmilk soap, a Hershey's lip balm and a BIG bar of actual Hershey's (which was a little soft from shipping...but once it resolidified in the fridge was immediately scarfed down). It was just lovely and I really appreciate it. You've been a supremely wonderful secret pal sending emails and virtual cards and all kinds of wonderful things in the snail mail. Thank you! I can't wait to find out who you are and read all about you on your blog!

Frugal Friday

CVS #1
1 Covergirl wetslicks
1 Huggies sensitive wipes refill (184ct)
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$9.63 out of pocket
$5.00 saved

CVS #2
4 Suave body wash
2 Newspapers
1 Playtex dropins refills (100ct)
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$6.46 out of pocket
$17.15 saved

CVS #3
1 Huggies sensitive wipes refill (184ct)
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$6.38 out of pocket
$2.00 saved

CVS #4
1 Huggies sensitive wipes refill (184ct)
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$6.38 out of pocket
$2.00 saved

CVS #5
1 Suave hairspray
1 Suave shampoo
1 Jumbo Pampers diapers
2 CoverGirl outlast lip colors
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$20.69 out of pocket
$17.87 saved

The rush this week was finishing the Huggies wipes deal before the end of August. Now we're all stocked up and this should be my last week of CVS deals for a while. All other toiletries are stocked for a two month supply also.

Grocery store (two trips)
Baby formula $14.52 (tossed the receipt before taking note of savings)
$46.44 out of pocket
Saved $8.77
We ate out three times this week. So while we didn't do much grocery shopping, and saved, we didn't save as much as we could have if we hadn't eaten out so much. Also, our savings could have been greater, but I bought Steve beer and splurged on the expensive hot dogs (without a coupon)...plus I HAD to buy some things to supplement my pantry and make complete meals.

I really do love the stock up mentality. I bought all our pepsi on sale a week or two ago and haven't had to buy any since now that the price is back up.

Miscellaneous thoughts - Political conventions edition

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Check the facts and the candidates on the issues for yourself.
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Got a giggle out of Campbell Brown asking Tucker Bounds to name one decision Sarah Palin has made as Commander in Chief of the Alaskan National Guard (about 2:15 in). For the record, I would have gotten the same giggle if it were a Democratic idiot doing the tap-dance.


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And giggles...Jon Stewart...I must remember not to be drinking anything when I watch his show. I think I've choked on Diet Pepsi more in the last two weeks than I imagined I would in my entire life. Funny funny funny stuff.
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Everyone should read this editorial about Sarah Palin and our reactions to her.

For my part, I will not question Sarah Palin's loyalty to her family...or the decisions she has made. I will not question whether she should or should not be running for Vice President. That is a matter for her and her family to decide. The fact is, she IS running for Vice President and we've got bigger issues to talk about.

Which brings me to the topic of "experience." We have, in our society, a strange sense of things. We claim that we do not like it when government operation is removed from the common person. But when a common person runs for office we yell and scream, "But...but...but...they're not QUALIFIED...they're JUST LIKE ME!" Elitism knows all political parties apparently.

Seriously...Obama isn't qualified by any standard I would use to hire someone. Neither is Sarah Palin. Hell, I probably wouldn't trust any of them to run my office if I were hiring. They all have problems with their resume that would cull them out in the first round of HR screenings. But if experience were to have been a requirement, it would have been written into the Constitution (it's not...I checked).

So...I make this pledge here...You won't ever hear me compare "experience" or "qualifications" of political candidates for office. Because, really, who among us is ever totally qualified (except maybe a previous officeholder)? I wasn't qualified for my job...but I do a pretty good imitation of someone who was. And sure, my job is different from the presidency/vice-presidency. But do we really think that those two positions are at the mercy of just those two individuals who hold those offices? I'm under no illusions as to how it works. Advisors, consultants, staff and cabinet members...those are the people who are running our country. I'm more concerned that Karl Rove will be invited back to the White House than I am who actually sits at the desk in the Oval Office.

Now let's talk ISSUES people!
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My only comment on Bristol Palin's pregnancy...a comment TO Bristol Palin...

The world will judge you harshly, and for that I am sorry. This should be a time of happy dreams and plans for you. I hope you are able to find some of that with the people you love and the people who love you. Yes, your life is about to change dramatically...you have no idea how much. Most likely you are not ready...not because of your age...but because (if we are honest with ourselves) none of us is ever truly ready for parenthood. But no matter the path your life takes, you now and forever will be a mother. It is a magical journey and I wish you well on it.
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The DNC "CHANGE" signs were cheesy, but the RNC "COUNTRY FIRST" signs with "PROSPERITY" on the flip side are just out of this world.
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The NYTimes did a word cloud from the speeches of the Presidential candidates. That, in and of itself, says something about our society, don't ya think?
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It is clear that even our political process has fallen victim to the easy laugh. When you don't have anything of substance to say, make fun...mock...use sarcasm. Now, I appreciate a good sarcastic sense of humor as much as the next person...but I'm pretty sure that's not the best quality for the leader of the free world (or his VP).
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***the end of political talk for this edition of Miscellaneous Thoughts***
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Yes, yes, I am the freak clipping coupons while sitting in my lawn chair at my son's soccer practice. Don't laugh.
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Government office faux pas...no, you can NOT have an Obama 08 sign in your window.
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To the man at the mall play place who asked me, a complete stranger, if I could watch his daughter "just for a minute" while he ran to Kmart...

It only takes a minute...you should remember that.
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I find myself watching my son's soccer practice with a critical eye. It's not that I can do better...in fact, I know I couldn't. I'm not an athlete and I never played team sports. So I don't really have any right to say anything. But I seemingly can't help myself.

Oh, I'm not worried about his performance...though I do think he could stand to move a little more/faster and not be so timid when attacking the ball. I'm worried about his behavior. I find myself saying things like "pay attention" and "stop talking and listen" and "don't dig gopher holes in the middle of the soccer field."

My son is not what one would call attentive. He gets bored easily and tends to spout off his mouth at inappropriate times. Sound like anyone you know? Yes, he takes after me in all the wrong ways and it makes me really uncomfortable to see my bad qualities reflected in my son. I'm a stellar parent, obviously, and my child is going to need therapy before he's seven years old. *sigh*
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Internal debate: Is it worth it to drive an hour to get double coupons up to $2 at Kmart? Could potentially mean cheap and free items...
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Shipping a photo canvas via FedEx from here to Australia at the cheapest rate = $425

UPS was slightly more reasonable at $275.

No, I'm not joking.
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Dying paper is tricky business. Must move fast or drips and smudges will ruin the end product.
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Soccer at 9am in the rain when it's 74 degrees out...after a long night of dealing with a screaming baby...not so fun.
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Do me a favor

After all what kind of person/god would make me lose my husband and then our baby within a few weeks of each other.

Please go over to The Tale of Two Coins and offer Jen some love.

Whiskers on Wednesday

Government

When you say bad things about "government" you are saying bad things about me. Because I am part of that government you despise.

I do not make a lot of money but I take very seriously the duty with which I am charged. I spend every day working to better all our lives.

I am open to suggestion but I do not take kindly to verbal attacks on my character or my motivations.

So watch the broad brush you use when you paint such an ugly picture of government. You may meet me in a courtroom some day. And while I always try to be fair...I am only human.

One of THOSE posts

This is one of THOSE posts. You have your warning.

The breastfeeding is...how shall I say?...done. Fini. The end. And while I could write all about how sad it makes me, I feel I owe myself the truth. It was time and I am glad to be done. Not so glad about the formula stains on the clothes (will definitely be taking a break from Gymboree...even second-hand Gymboree deserves better), but definitely glad to be done.

Breastfeeding this time around was easy. I attribute most of our success to my extreme gratitude. When you long to hold a baby...when you go through what we did...it's easy to slow down and savor every moment. I remember with Sam I was in such a hurry. I had so much to DO that I didn't want to be bothered with the nursing business. It took too much time out of my schedule. Looking back now, I realize I just didn't "get it." But this time there was none of that. The house isn't clean. The lawn isn't mowed. There is little progress on the crafting and other activities. It was nine months devoted to helping this new little baby grow. I loved it.

And now it's not like that because I'm ready to get going and, more importantly, because MYLES is ready to get going. He is no longer interested in the nursing snuggle or falling asleep at my breast (just typing that causes a tear to appear in my eye). He's ready to go go go and I want to let him. He prefers a bottle to my boob...to feed himself rather than snuggle in and be fed. I guess I'm just too lazy to fight him on it. Yes, there is a bit of the old failure-minded part of me that realizes I could have worked to continue providing expressed breastmilk (instead of formula) for the remainder of the "critical" first year. But all the breastpump was doing was creating stress for me. I could pump all day and not make enough for the three 8-ounce bottles Myles needs for daycare each day. It was frustrating and made me anxious...it's a relief to not have to deal with that anymore.

So a beautiful nine month chapter closes with some tears and a sigh of relief.

Here's to new adventures!

Heard at my house

Let's get something straight. Your father and I do not respond to a system of snaps or claps or snorts. If you want something, please use words...and your manners. Thank you.

Fiona

Miscellaneous thoughts

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Dave Freeman, co-author of "100 Things to Do Before You Die," a travel guide and ode to odd adventures that inspired readers and imitators, died after hitting his head in a fall at his home. He was 47.

Life is short. Go out and do something adventurous.
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So much to do...so little time to do it. And these damn cats keep meowing at me making me feel guilty for not picking them up and snuggling with them. Naturally, I have to make sacrifices for the furbabies...right?
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"Barack Obama's speech was inspiring." That's all I said.

And then came the predictable immediate response, "I just don't like him because..."

Did I ask? No.

Do I care? No.

You can like whoever you like and vote however your conscience leads you. But that doesn't change the fact that Barack Obama's speech was inspiring.
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Speaking of politics...educate yourself.
A full list of Barack Obama's votes
A full list of John McCain's votes
(And seriously...cruise around that washington post site for a lot of valuable information on all congressmen and congresswomen)
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Last one on politics...I promise...
Sarah Palin? She's a Republican, so I'm already inclined not to like her (just kidding)...but beyond that I know very little about her. What I do know, I do not like. And I have to wonder WHY he picked her. Of all the qualified women in the Republican party, why her?
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Steve and I missed soccer signups for Sam. So I sent frantic emails and made hysterical phone calls to the powers that be like any good mom would do. We made it ON.THE.VERY.LAST.DAY. before the secretary was turning in the money to the state organization. I am supermom this year! I rock!
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We have never taught our six-year-old about God or the Bible or anything remotely religious. We just didn't know what to tell him. I guess that says a lot.
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This week our Animal Protective League volunteers avoided an order to euthanize by moving 30+ dogs to rescue. It is happy news, but that's just a drop in the bucket of the need we face. The threat of being "put to sleep" (what an awful euphemism) still looms for so many animals still remaining in our shelter. Why can't people just figure it out and get their pets altered so we don't have so many unwanted animals in shelters?
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I want to take a photography class, but I can't find one that would be easily squeezed into my life schedule. So I guess I will stick a pin in that as something that will have to wait until the kids are older and less dependent on me.
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This week was the first week of school (started on Tuesday). The first week of a new schedule is supposed to be tough. But this...I LIKE this. I'm up early (ok, that part I don't like too much) and at work at 7 (or shortly after). I have a full hour in the office before anyone else during which I can make coffee, eat breakfast, and read without interruption. I work straight through until 2:55 when I get to leave to pick Sam up from school. Because Myles is at daycare until his father picks him up right now, Sam and I get time together without baby interruption. It's actually quite lovely and has me rethinking the plan for when Myles moves daycare locations in October.

Our daycare is opening another center closer to where we live and Sam and I will be able to pick Myles up after school. With how nice this schedule is, I'm thinking that we might just alternate days and pick Myles up early two or three days a week, but leave him at daycare until Steve can pick him up on the other days a week. Does that make me a horrible mom?
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The Banana Splits are coming back to tv! Awesome!
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We won't discuss what I found in my bathroom. I will say that it was thanks to my husband. That's all you need to know.
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Frugal Friday

Deals this past week:

CVS #1
3 playtex starter pack 8 oz nursers
3 king size kitkat candy bars (bad impulse buy for nutritional AND value reasons)
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$8.15 out of pocket
$12.12 saved
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CVS #2
4 12-packs of diet pepsi
2 boxes Kellogs Raisin Bran Crunch
1 newspapers
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$16.08 out of pocket
$15.65 saved
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Rite Aid #1
5 12-packs of diet pepsi
2 18oz Jif peanut butter
1 Duck EZ start packing tape
2 oust surface/air clean
1 4-pack Duracell D batteries
2 3-pack Schick Quattro razors
1 Pert Plus shampoo/conditioner
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$30.96 out of pocket
$18.48 saved
Anticipated rebates of $4.50
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Rite Aid #2
1 Gillette Body wash (with free face wash trial)
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$3.77 out of pocket
$1.00 saved
Anticipated rebate of $2.00
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Walgreens
2 bags Brach's candy corn
5 12-packs diet pepsi
2 12-packs angel soft double rolls
2 boxes (60) puffs
2 Glade scented oil refills
4 crest w/scope toothpaste
2 glade scented oil plug-ins
2-pack Lysol wipes
2 10.3oz Dawn dishwashing detergent
1 suave aerosol antiperspirant
2 8-pack crayola crayons
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$51.47 out of pocket
$39.62 saved
Anticipated rebates of $6.50
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CVS #3
2 36-count Stayfree Ultra
2 Colgate 360 toothbrushes
1 CVS mouthwash
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$4.32 out of pocket
$20.61 saved
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CVS #4
1 100-count Playtes drop-ins liners
1 Huggies newborn wipes (mega)
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$8.72 out of pocket
$8.80 saved
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Grocery store
$144.44 out of pocket
$53.59 saved
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Total out of pocket $267.91 (almost half of which was groceries)
Total saved $169.87 (another trip to the grocery store with extra left over)
$13 earned in rebates (delayed savings)

Lessons learned...
1. Pay attention to coupon expiration dates.
2. If you see a sale and you have the coupon, go for the deal. Next week may be better...but it probably won't.
3. Take ALL your coupons with you when you shop, even if they're not part of your planned deal. You never know when you'll see an unadvertised special and think, "I have a coupon for this that would make it a killer deal...but it's at home."
4. Rather than planning a menu each week and shopping for the menu, adjust your grocery store shopping mentality to stock up when there is a good sale and then plan your menu from what you already have in the freezer/pantry. Use fresh veggies and fruits to add variety. Stock up on non-grocery items too...deoderant, toothpaste, etc. Nothing ruins a budget more than that, "Hey, honey, I'm almost out of shampoo and deoderant." But it on sale and keep it in the cupboard so you're not stuck paying full price when he runs out.
5. Shop small deals more often. You save more money than trying to do all your shopping in one trip. Gas cost is a consideration, but I'm usually in town two or three times a week anyway, so I just plan to shop then.
6. COMPARE PRICES. A deal at CVS is only a deal if it beats the deal at Rite Aid on the same item.
7. Baby formula is crazy expensive. So stock up when it's on sale. This is part of what caused the high grocery bill this week...and I suspect it will be similar when I stock up on diapers.

Read and follow other peoples' tips for saving money.

I am thankful

Tash wrote a great entry over at Glow in the Woods and she asked

In retrospect, comparatively speaking (or perhaps not at all), are you at all, remotely, even a teeny bit thankful for anything that happened surrounding the death of your baby/-ies? And believe me, it's fine if you say "No. Not a fucking thing. Are you crazy?"

This is a subject I've been thinking about lately.

I AM thankful but I just haven't been able to say it.

The words are stuck in my throat like a big piece of soggy half-chewed bread and I just can not choke them out. I tried once or twice to no avail...ripping up multiple thank you cards...deleting more than one thank you email...nearly hyperventilating at the thought of saying thank you in person.

I can't get over the tail end of the thank you...Thank you for (insert kindness here) after my baby died.

I can't help but feel like I shouldn't HAVE TO be thankful and therefore I resent that I AM thankful. Everytime I think about being thankful to anyone, I can't help but finish it with, "But I hate it...every bit of it." It doesn't make sense outside of my head, I'm sure.

Lately, though, it has felt like now is the time to let the qualifiers go and just be thankful. So let's see what I can do here...

I am thankful for my husband for a million different reasons.

I am thankful that my pregnancies with both boys were easy (some might say perfect). I am thankful for the time I got to know and share space with them.

I am thankful for the nurses who talked with us and not AT us. They made us feel normal when this big horrible abnormal thing was happening to us. I am thankful they took the time to anticipate that we would want footprints and photographs.

I am thankful that giving birth to Alex and Travis did not require surgery. It was hard enough leaving the hospital without my babies. I do not think I could have survived if I had to recover from a c-section as well.

I am thankful for the doctor who delivered Travis and his understanding that I could not cope with milk production. I do not remember the name of the drug, but it is my opinion that it should be prescribed to every loss mama.

I am thankful for the funeral director and his assistant (whose son's name is Alex) for their kindness. I am thankful they gave me a lock of Alex's hair to keep and placed a few treasured possessions from his family with him.

I am thankful for my family who stood by me and offered me their love, knowing I wasn't capable of returning it at the time. They loved me when I was at my worst and I know my worst was pretty bad. I am thankful they remembered who I was and saw me through to who I am.

I am thankful for those who stood beside us as we buried our sweet baby boys.

I am thankful for our friends in real life and online who called or emailed or sent us snail mail. They surrounded us with love and support and kind words. We weren't nice to be around and yet they remained tenacious in their belief that we were worth it.

I am thankful for my job and my many volunteer distractions. It kept my mind from sinking into the deepest darkest pit that ever existed for me.

I am thankful for the answers as to the biologic reasons Alex and Travis died. They are scary and horrible and bring a lot of complicated guilt feelings with them. But having these answers is better than only having questions for the rest of my life.

I am thankful for a beautiful cemetery where I can go and experience peaceful moments thinking of our boys.

I am thankful Alex isn't alone.

I am thankful for my new perspective. Before this happened, I tended to think in terms of black and white...right and wrong...cause and effect. This has taught me that I don't have all the answers and I shouldn't be so quick to judge. It has softened me and made me a more empathetic human being.

I am thankful that I live in a place where this will most likely be the worst thing to ever happen to me.

I am thankful for Dr. A. and his kindness all last year while I was pregnant again.

I am thankful that this wasn't the end. I am thankful for our sweet Myles.

Whiskers on Wednesday

Introducing Anakin...

and Obi-Wan...

I love this guy

Joe Biden

It's almost funny how politicians work so hard to "find common ground" with the American voter while shared human experience is pushed into the background, to only be spoken of in hushed whispers. I did not know that Joe Biden lost his first wife and his young daughter in a car accident caused by a drunk driver. Below is a rare interview about the subject that he gave late last year. I am posting it here because it resonates with me, particularly the part about how many people are out there dealing with the shared experience of grief...putting one foot in front of the other. It reminded me of this little community we've developed here on the internet...all of us walking a similar path...one foot in front of the other.

Biden: Five years after this no one man deserves one great love, let alone two. I met and married my wife of 30 years who actually put my life back together again and put my family back together again.

But you know, when something like that happens to you. It's like there's a big black hole in your chest, and you feel like you're being sucked in to that black hole. You feel like there isn't anything that will ever get better again in your life. But my mom has an expression, she said God sends no cross that you cannot bear, and she said, I remember literally the week of the accident her saying "Joey, out of everything horrible something good will come if you look hard enough." And I thought that was the cruelest thing in the world someone could say, but it's true.

Obviously I wished it never, ever, ever happened, but my sons and I, it's like a steel belt that runs through our chest connecting us. My family is so strong, and I really believe and my wife Jill of 30 years believes that Neilia my wife, is looking down on us. You just never, it never leaves, but there comes a time and it happens earlier than you think, there comes a time when the memory brings a smile to your lips rather than a tear to your eyes. And so many people have gone through tough stuff, but I had family.

When I went through it I had people helping me. It has taught me that I have such intense admiration for people who are alone and these things happen to and they fight. There are so many people right outside this library, this morning got up, put one foot in front of the other, dealing with crisis that were similar to mine and they do. And they do it for their kids and they do it for their family and they do it without the kind of help I had. I was really lucky. I just had an awful lot of people to help me and they were my family.

I'm not very good talking about it as you can see, but I know there is a continuum. I know that God is -- there's a giant piece of my deceased daughter, a giant piece of my deceased wife that is in me and in my children and in my wife.

(link)

Ready to go

He's all set to go. We visited the school and found his new classroom. He tried out his new desk. Yesterday he got a new haircut. His bookbag is packed with all his carefully labeled supplies. He has money in his lunch account (so we don't have to worry about envelopes. I remembered a note stating that he wouldn't be riding the bus. I still have to get him new shoes and a note from the doctor for his inhaler use (please, please, please do not have an asthma attack today without it). I'm feeling ok after some early morning tears as I drove past the school on my way to work. We'll see what pickup this afternoon brings.

Mutt Monday

Camo

1st grade school supplies list

1. Box of 8 crayons only

We request only 8 crayons, as many directions are color coded, and it makes it less confusing for your child to follow the directions.

Apparently it is just presumed that when you enter the 1st grade, you are an idiot. But then again, I'm still confused by the difference between brown and burnt sienna. Can I blame my parents for sending me to school with more than 8 crayons in the first grade?

11. Container of Clorox Disinfecting Wipes

They're getting Lysol. I got a good deal and they're just going to have to live with it.

Tomorrow's assignment for mommy...find a blue pencil box. You know I'm going to encounter every color BUT blue, right?

Now...do you really think I need to put my child's name on each item as the supply list indicates? I really don't see myself trying to write his name on scissors...or a glue stick. But I will reluctantly break out the Sharpie if the consensus says that I must.

(By the way...keep your stories coming in the comments. I love knowing that I am not alone in my misery and they're really good for a laugh or two.)

Miscellaneous thoughts

I have tried and tried and tried to stick with regular features on this blog, but I guess I don't conform to structure so well.

Whiskers on Wednesday (there may be new additions coming soon...stay tuned)
Wordless Wednesday (which may or may not include whiskers)
Photo Friday
Frugal Friday
Miscellaneous thoughts (Friday)

I think I'm also going to institute a Mutt Monday to highlight a dog who needs adoption. Easy peasy...no thought entry each Monday. I should be able to do it, right?

And I think I'm going to do Perfect Moment Mondays. Near as I can tell, the only rule is to post a perfect moment on Monday (the moment doesn't have to actually happen on Monday).

I would love to participate in Thursday Thirteen, but am afraid I'm just not that interesting.
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"I don't want to go to first grade."

HELP ME!
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I just received an email advertisement for a $1200 chair called "the attorney chair." Clearly, these people do not understand the salary of a public servant.
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If you watch the TV show "Flipping Out," you'll be happy to know that Zoila made $10,000 on her portrait. I just want to know who bought that horrible thing.
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In the face of ever-increasing gasoline prices, I have had to limit my over-the-road animal rescue efforts. But I think it's going to end up being good for me, as I am now becoming much more active with my local shelter. Good works start at home, right?

However, it is so hard to come home at night knowing that those beautiful creatures must live and sleep (and possibly die) in that horrible shelter. It's a nice enough facility...but it's still a shelter.

See those guys over on the flickr badge on my sidebar? Aren't they sweet and cute and cuddly? They need homes.
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I found a job posting I am very interested in. I know I should stay where I am for now because of all the intangible benefits, but I hate this job. I really really hate it. I fear that if I have to suck it up and stay for much longer I just may go off my nut.
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I'm 36 years old and I feel silly...but I love facebook. Seriously. Stop laughing.
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Attention scrappers! I hate to tell people, because it lessens the odds of me winning, but there is an AWESOME contest going on at VanillaJoy. Add a comment and you're in! Easy peasy! And a fun blog to read regularly too!
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A new read

I have found a few new blogs to read today (as if my blogroll of 548 gets satisfactory attention already). This one is my favorite... Living Oprah.

Philosophical beliefs

I try not to talk about "right" and "wrong" parenting decisions here because I'm firmly entrenched in the "only you know what works for your family" camp (so long as we're not talking abuse or neglect). Breastfeeding/bottlefeeding, cloth/disposable diapers, pacifier/no pacifier, when to start solid foods, etc...all negotiable topics as far as I'm concerned.

But I'm going to break my own rule here and say that I think everyone should read this CDC Press Release about measles/vaccination.

And that is all I will say on this topic.

Let the 1st grade adventures begin!

So I spent all last year with the impression that it was the teacher. Now I'm beginning to think it's the whole school.

School starts Tuesday. As of today there are no teacher assignments mailed out...and no bus schedules posted or printed anywhere. It appears that communication is not this school's strong suit. We would most definitely change schools if this one weren't academically the best in our district (we can't afford private school).

So Steve called today and was informed that the teacher assignments "had just been made" and the bussing staff are having a meeting tomorrow (at which they will presumably finalize a schedule that will be posted online and printed in the paper). The school secretary very kindly looked up Sam's teacher assignment and told us that we could visit anytime with him in order to find his classroom, etc. She also "guessed" Sam's bus schedule "based on last year's bus schedule." Her "guess" leads us to believe he would be the first child picked up in the morning and would ride the school bus for almost an hour (to a school that is ten minutes away). A six-year-old on a bus for almost an hour sounds like a recipe for trouble to Steve and I. Looks like he's not riding the bus again this year.

Nice to know this stuff ahead of time. Did I mention that school starts Tuesday?

Where do I go from here?

"It's hard to guess where your life is going to be after something like this happens..."

Though the hospital commercial was about a woman who suffered a leg injury and was worried she would never go sailing again (big surprise...she's just fine thanks to the hospital), this bit jumped out at me. It's hard to guess where your life is going to be after something like this happens. Ain't that the truth? It's so hard to guess. I was frozen for what seemed like an eternity wondering who I was going to be AFTER. How I was going to live my life AFTER.

The jarring reality of today is that I am the same damn person I was BEFORE and my life hasn't changed a whole hell of a lot...and I'm not entirely sure I like it. In fact, I'm pretty sure I don't like it and that this is the source of my general feeling of dissatisfaction-with-life. Why? I LIKED my life before. So what's the problem now? Well...since you asked...

I'm pretty sure when something horrible happens to you and you spend SO much time wondering how you're going to take your next breath let alone go back to living...I'm pretty sure you should encounter SOME sort of meaningful change. I'm pretty sure you shouldn't just head back (albeit slowly and unenthusiastically) to that old life. I'm pretty sure there should be some benefit. Some insight. SOMETHING to make it seem like it was more than just a bump in the road.

Let's face it, my life is exactly how I left it. Maybe a little sadder...but with no major changes. And that just doesn't seem right somehow. Sure, I've made some minor changes. I now participate in activities I wouldn't have before. Charitable work comes easier. But my very soul was shaken to its core. Shouldn't there be something more?

I'm turning things around in my brain again. Who I am. Who I want to be. Where I am. Where I want to be. Where I was too grief-stricken before to really act on anything, I am now solidly sure of myself...I need a change. I need for Alex and Travis to have meant something in my life. I need for them to have shaped my being rather than just passed through it. I don't know why I need this...I just know I do.

Online signature

For those who have asked...

Signature creator

Job search

I will just say that it is very difficult, in this day and age, to find a legitimate job opportunity online. Maybe I'm showing my age, but I remember being able to access reputable online job databases that didn't include "work-at-home" or "investment" scams. Now, that's not to say that these scams weren't around way back when...I remember going to a very nice office building myself for an in-person "interview" that included a sales demonstration of a very impressive collection of kitchen knives (don't know if I ever confessed that one to anyone). But it seems the scammers have become more savvy with new technologies and have the ability to reach desperate job-seekers far and wide.

It's a shame, really. In the midst of the piles of crap, I found a couple really interesting (and legitimate) job opportunities that had escaped my notice. They're a bit old...but I think I'm going to apply anyway. Can't hurt to try. At least I know I won't be selling knives or making investments for a distant relative from Namibia.

Animal lover?

I was talking to husband, who was sitting here.

When I noticed something weird here.

His name is "mousey," and he was apparently just sunning himself a bit under the lamp.

Sam is now crying and saying, "I'm going to miss mousey." That kid has such a kind heart.

update:
The charm of this little tale wore off when Mousey #2 took up residence in the same lamp.

I'm an animal lover as much as the next gal...but come on!

(No mice were harmed during the filming of this event. All mice were returned to the wild from whence they came...hopefully to never return to this particular sunny vacation spot.)

(And yes...I do see the humor in the fact that the first thing I did was grab my camera and take pictures.)

6-year-old wisdom

Sam: Having a baby is almost like having a pet.

819.5

..."are we there yet?"
...miles driven this weekend.
...Starbucks we didn't stop at.
...pictures taken.
...pounds I weigh (looked at myself in those pictures...ack!).
...number of times I said, "Sam, no," or, "Sam, stop it," or, "Sam, behave."
...worries about the pets left at home with the petsitter.
...family members we haven't seen in years.
...number of times someone said, "Oh, the baby is just sooooo cute!"
...more dance moves our six-year-old knows than we do.
...french fries eaten in the name of collecting Star Wars Happy Meal toys.
...great memories created with Sam (Myles too, but he won't remember them).
...best wishes for the bride and groom.

14 years ago yesterday

Happy Anniversary to the slug who apparently totally forgot about our years of wedded bliss.

Guess you didn't figure out why I was in such a pissy mood last night, did ya?

(I know, I know...at least he's MY slug. Whatever.)

Thank you Secret Pal!

A lovely gift arrived in the mail yesterday from my secret pal in Tennessee (will I figure out your identity before the end of this thing?). GORGEOUS bamboo yarn from Southwest Trading Company in Sahara color. LOVE IT!

There was also this really cute little figurine of a mama turtle with a baby turtle on its back. Their heads and tails bob up and down on springs. I'd love to show it to you but Blogger is being extremely uncooperative in my effort to post a picture. You'll just have to take my word for it...it's adorable.

Email humor

It's not often I find something funny in my junk email box...but this made me giggle...

One of last week's emails contained a typographical error of one character, inadvertently creating an inappropriate message. Please know that it was a simple accident by one of our graphic artists, and that I sincerely apologize to any who noticed it.

Regards to all,
Patrick M. Byrne
CEO, Overstock.com

Don't you just wonder what it said?

You never know

We were pregnant together back in 2005 when it all went so terribly wrong. I have been jealous of her ever since. More than once I looked at her and thought, "She's got no problems. She's young and beautiful and has a cute little boy. She has no worries."

Today we had lunch together.

She has PCOS and is currently on Clomid and hasn't been able to conceive baby #2.

You just never know.

I want to ride some rides

"The fair isn't just about rides, you know."

So I decided it would be a good idea to introduce Sam to the agricultural way of life at the fair today. Now he wants a "bunny rabbit." ACK!

I guess there ARE worse things for a kid to get involved with than 4H. I'm just thanking my lucky stars that they aren't allowed to do rabbit projects until they are eight years old in our county. Maybe the novelty will wear off by the time he's eight. I just hope he doesn't decide pigs or cows are a good idea...

After all this time

"Your child is 27 months old"

Seriously...Huggies...enough already.

Now that's just wrong

Virtual chocolate.

Enjoy!

The world travelling doppler

I bought a doppler that arrived the day I returned from the hospital after Travis.

I lent it to a friend who had a beautiful baby boy.

It came back and I used it during my pregnancy with Myles.

I lent it to another friend who had a beautiful baby girl.

It has been returned.

I'm in the process of examining my own reaction to the darn thing (once I realized what was contained within the mailing box). So I guess the question is...Where does it go next? It seems a shame to stick it in the closet next to the Lovenox I'm storing for no known (sane) reason.

(I think I may start a new category for posts here...insane thinking...though that might be too depressing...as it seems I may then have to label EVERY post with that one)

Family-Grief-God-Hope

If you get a chance (and you feel strong enough), you should watch this interview with Steven Curtis Chapman and his family on Larry King Live. They talk about the tragic accident that caused the death of their daughter/sister, Maria, back in May...the family's journey along the path of grief...and their faith.

8 months and 2 weeks

"I can't believe I'm saying this because I can't believe it's true...but this boy doesn't have enough clothes."

Yes, we have finally reached that time where the insane baby clothes buying has dropped off and the baby is in NEED of new duds. Shopping because I HAVE TO...another milestone for Myles and mommy.

And please, let's not even consider the sad state of Samuel's wardrobe. Now I know how the traditional yearly "school shopping" pilgrimage came into existence...pure necessity.

Weird

My coworker has been pregnant and miscarried twice since September of 2007. Her doctor told her she has a giant fibroid that prevents embryos from implanting properly and she would need to see a fertility doctor. She has moral objections to reproductive assistance (I won't even comment) and was quite vocal about her reluctance to make the appointment. I'm not sure whether she ever did and/or if the fertility doctor helped her or not...but she is pregnant and due in February. She was so excited because at her most recent appointment they told her to "come back in four weeks" and she hasn't been told that in a very long time (her daughter is four years old). I'm excited for her. And yet I'm feeling weird about facing her progressing pregnancy on a daily basis. She's had a rough road and of all the women in my office I think she "gets it" the most. So what gives? More introspection to follow, I'm sure.

***edited to add***
As she was standing in the office today complaining about the smell of coffee making her sick, I realized...She's vocal and she's going to want to talk about it. The morning sickness...the maternity clothes...breastfeeding...

I want to run and hide.

Yesterday she asked me which was more adorable, "Your own baby or someone else's baby?" I was probably too brutally honest when I said, "I guess it depends on how much you WANT your own baby. No other baby seems as cute as Myles does."

I really need to learn to filter what comes out of my mouth.

Miscellaneous thoughts, Sunday/Monday edition

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Been having a rough time keeping up with life and this blog. I think I'm going through my midlife crisis early. Yes, it's early...and I dare anyone to say any different.

A few nights ago my husband and I sat in our bedroom together for over an hour and talked. No television. Only the hum of the portable air conditioner and the occasional update from Sam on his Playstation2 progress. It was lovely. Except for the fact that we talked about how unhappy we both are.

It's mainly professional dissatisfaction for him, I think. It is that and so much more for me. He jokes that my "chi is off," but that ain't far from the truth. It starts with, "I'm not a very good lawyer," and ends with, "I'm a fat cow and need to get my fat ass moving." Slippery slope anyone? It's a fun ride...until you get to the bottom and land your ass in the pool of self-pity and loathing anyway.

Anyway...things are a bit stagnant and I'm feeling the need to shake them up. I've had a bit of a realization. When I achieve one dream I need to work for another or I become bored. I don't know if that's something peculiar to myself or if everyone feels that way. But I know that just being happy is...well...dull and unsatisfying. It's like, "OK, jumped that hurdle, now what?"

So I'm kicking around a bunch of ideas with Steve. The list seems to be focused on a change of career so far. I just don't think I'm well suited to being a lawyer. Too many stupid rules that make no sense and affect the lives of people who need help and protection. Sometimes I just want to stand in a courtroom and scream, "Are you f*cking kidding me?" I fear that one day I may just lose it and actually say something to that effect (which would definitely result in an involuntary career change). Better to get out now, I think, and save myself any potential embarrassment.

Problem is, I have so much debt (much of it law student loan debt...yes, I do see the irony) that I'm too chicken-sh!t to take much of a risk. And, of course, there is the consideration of another child. If I have any intention of trying another pregnancy, I want to do it now...while working in my current office. The non-monetary perks are amazing and I know I wouldn't get them anywhere else.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see where this leads me. It should be interesting...if only to me.
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Speaking of another baby...funny story.

We went outlet mall shopping the other day and hit up a great sale at the Carter's outlet. I was there to shop for a friend, but I picked up a few things for Myles too. I mean, I couldn't resist the "Happy 1st Birthday to Me" onesie. He's going to be so stinkin' cute in it! But I digress...

It was dark by the time we headed for home. I thought Samuel had fallen asleep and Steve and I started talking (cute baby clothes will do it to you every time). I want another child...but I don't want to do the whole pregnancy thing again. Steve said he understood and I said he didn't understand jack. He said, "If you do get pregnant...all that fear..." And I said, "See, you're already to if I do get pregnant. I'm at, I don't want to be pregnant. The fear isn't even an issue...it's the injections in the stomach, the heartburn, the aches and pains, the hair falling out, the not being able to sleep. It sucked and I don't wanna do it."

Sam wasn't asleep. I know that because he informed us yesterday that he wants another baby so that he can take care of it..."but mommy doesn't want to it." I about snorted diet pepsi through my nose.
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I have many thoughts about the phrase, "This isn't right." For so long that phrase was my constant companion. Now it seems like blasphemy to say it out loud. But it is still true. How can that be?
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I fear I'm going to need to see a doctor soon for my gallbladder troubles. The wine and cheese party from the other night nearly did me in. Blech. I was hoping to avoid doctors for at least a year.
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Speaking of the wine and cheese party...while it was fun, I am so glad to have that done and over with. It was only the second time we have had a real social gathering for anyone other than family at our house. The first was the first summer after we moved in. So it's been seven years.

Have I ever mentioned my extreme social anxiety issues? I'm sure you could tell they were lurking in my psyche just from my incessant blogging about other people and what I fear they are thinking of me. If I were a psychiatrist I'd probably venture a guess that it had something to do with being betrayed by two of my best friends during my formative years. Nothing earth-shattering, just the lies that schoolchildren tell each other.

I will never forget the day my friend, Marie, told me she couldn't walk uptown to the library with me because she had to go home. I had a window seat on the school bus that day and remember oh-so-clearly the image of Marie standing on the sidewalk in front of the library, laughing with her other friend, Amber. It was then that I realized I couldn't trust any of my friends...no matter how dear. And that has screwed me up for years.

Even now, at age 36, I wonder what the ladies said when they left my house Thursday evening. I fear what judgments were made behind closed doors. I feel sick when I think about why some women chose not to attend. Surely their absence says something about me.

See? Insanity. A friend recently mentioned it is better if you don't assign motivation to people's actions. But I can't seem to help myself.
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I forgot to buy a newspaper last week and when I went through my coupon inventory I found a boatload of expired coupons. This money-saving thing...miss a week and it throws the whole thing off kilter.
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Myles has been a real joy lately and I blame teething. The rational side of me can't be upset with him because I know it's gotta suck to be in pain and feeling crappy. But if he doesn't stop screaming at me 24/7, I'm going to lose my mind.
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We had dinner at Eat N Park the other night. Another diner walked past us on the way to his table...carrying bagpipes.

All I could say was, "WHAT?!?!?!"
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I have to get a wedding gift for my cousin that I don't know very well (I don't know any of my cousins very well). Cash or gift cards are always ok, right? Or should I just pick something off her registry?

I did cave on the dress and bought one. I KNOW! Don't be disappointed. I'm still going to make the dress I planned to make...but this takes the pressure off. A girl can never have too many pretty dresses, right?
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There is this lady at work who makes awesome coffee in the morning. Then there is this other lady at work who makes awful coffee in the morning. The awesome coffee lady isn't in today. I can't just dump the bad coffee and make my own...can I? No. That would be rude. Right?
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The county fair is getting all set up in anticipation of opening tomorrow morning with a 9am flag raising. Just driving by the fairgrounds makes me smile. The rides sit silently waiting for screams of thrills and excitement. The food booths are all closed up...promising treats that are as unhealthy as can be. The animal barns are being loaded with energetic horses and big lazy cows. Cotton candy and motorcross...draft horses and goats...spin till you puke and sewing exhibits. I can't wait.
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Where did the time go?

The infant carrier was replaced today by a convertible carseat.

Whiskers on Wednesday (on Friday)

I missed Whiskers on Wednesday this week. But Shamus gave me a great shot this morning. Hey, even the furballs have to recover from a good party.

Thank you Secret Pal!

A green themed package arrived on my doorstep yesterday. Thank you!