Thursday, May 31, 2007

gah!

I have all these pictures I want to share but blogger is being stupid.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Happy Birthday Steve!

Everyone wave

I am buying some yarn for my secret pal and I get a discount for being a participant in SP10. Everybody wave and say hi to the seller who will be popping in to "verify my participation" (even though I am VERY light on the crafty posts these days).

Guilty conscience

Yesterday at work, someone looked at my belly and asked, "Is there something we should know?" I couldn't lie. My secret is out.

While driving home yesterday, I imagined what it would be like to hold actually this baby after a live birth. I felt his weight (no, I don't know anything...I just have a feeling). I could see his eyes. I touched his skin. I could feel him move...breathe.

Last night I had incredibly angry dreams in which I screamed curse words at people I love for no apparent reason. Even as I was doing it I knew it was wrong...but I felt this primal urge to inflict the pain of my personal frustration on them.

There is a certain amount of freedom in the truth.

There is even more freedom in dreams.

I feel like I cheated Travis out of my dreams. I never imagined him as anything more than a half-baked little baby. I'm not sure I truly believe in self-fulfilling prophecies, but I still carry a certain amount of guilt for any part I may have played in his fate. As scary as it may be, I can not do that to this baby. If it means I have to sit down every day and force myself to think good thoughts, then that's what I'm going to do. If only to make myself feel better later...if only as a means to ease my guilt.

But those are not the only reasons I'm going to force the happy thoughts.

I'm going to do it because it made me smile. I'm like an addict now. I WANT the happy ending. But since I know I'm not guaranteed that...I'm going to take the happy moments where I find them.

Even if they are just in my daydreams.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Rosepetal

Are you ok?

Please email me (I've lost your email address).

Monday, May 28, 2007

For my friend Sherri


Thinking of your mom and you and your sweet girls. I love you.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Happy Birthday Samuel


Happy Birthday to my sweet boy. I love you to the moon and back.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

The zoo in hyperspeed

Let me tell you, a fat old woman in her first trimester can NOT keep up with a skinny soon-to-be-five-year-old hopped up on sugar at a hilly zoo. Man, am I tired!

But at 35 years old I can now officially say that I have touched a stingray and held a lorakeet in my hand.

Sam had a fabulous time (dinosaurs.at.the.zoo...need I say more?) and is currently zonked out in bed...still wearing his clothes. And that is the way he will stay. After all, what good is a birthday weekend celebration if you can't pass out in your clothes and wake up late the next morning with a sugar hangover?

Tomorrow, Thomas the Tank Engine and a cookout with the family.

Having a great time! Wish you were here!

Friday, May 25, 2007

Miscellaneous thoughts

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Steve asked me yesterday, "So what do you think it means that my manager is now being all complimentary and acknowledging the work I do?"

"He's afraid you're going to snap and he wants to make sure you don't kill him during your crazed rampage," I replied.
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I'm wearing a maternity tshirt today. And it doesn't look too big. My God, I'm fat.
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I hope there are enough cupcakes for Sam's class at daycare today. (Called Steve...there are plenty.)
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The crazy dog food recall has expanded to include certain dry dog foods as well. For months, people have continued to feed the dry foods because they thought the contamination just affected moist foods. I am horrified at the lack of care these large companies have exhibited. I am even more horrified to think that I used to feed my dogs that crap because it was supposedly "one of the best" foods on the market. Who knows how much I have shortened their lives?

BTW...Purina isn't anywhere on that list.
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My gardens look like hell and I have no time to fix them. I think I may have to take an extra day off work sometime. hehehe
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I don't want to change the world with this blog. I don't even want to be a generalized voice for a community stance/opinion. These are MY words and ONLY my words. I hope nobody reads this blog and thinks that I'm an expert or in any way advocating a "right way" to deal with loss. This is my journey. I've got no words of wisdom. I just write my words so that I can get them out of my head...and maybe so that someone might read them and not feel so alone. It's about recognizing yourself...what is similar AND what is different.
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Do you have people in your life who you can't decide if you like or not?
Sort of take-em-or-leave-em-
probably-would-save-them-if-they-were-drowning-
but-wouldn't-want-to-be-stranded-on-a-deserted-island-with-them
kind of people?

Do you have people in your life who think you want to know every single little detail of their day...whether it is interesting or not?

Do you have people in your life who insist they hate drama...yet drama seems to follow them everywhere they go?

Do you have people in your life who you would just love to give a big old dose of cold reality?

Do you have people in your life who just love to wrap things up in useless little platitudes and you'd like to shove them out a window when they do?

I think I'm just too cranky with people.
-------------------------------------------

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The Bluebird of Happiness

Though I haven't been able to get a photo of him/her myself, a little bluebird just like this one has found a home near side fence on our property. I had never seen an actual bluebird before...neither had Sam. We both get so excited and smile when we see him/her. The bluebird of happiness...I get it.

Look here newbie

I just had a conversation with the new attorney in our office (paralegal who just passed the bar exam). He insisted there was a constitutional right to a jury trial in civil cases. I said I wasn't sure. He gave me that look that said that he thought he knew more than me.

State constitution does not entitle all civil litigants to a trial by jury; instead, it preserves the right only for those civil cases in which the right existed before the adoption of the constitutional provision providing the right. Const. Art. 1, § 5. Arrington v. DaimlerChrysler Corp., 109 Ohio St. 3d 539, 2006-Ohio-3257, 849 N.E.2d 1004 (2006).

I wonder...should I print it off and hand it to him? or send it via email?

Or should I just dance around and sing like Sam does?
I was right...I was right...I was right...

How is it that I'm a lawyer? I'm clearly not sophisticated enough to handle the responsibilities.

Gross

Don't you hate it when you blow your nose into a tissue too hard and the booger flies past the tissue and into your hand?

Let me tell you something

C just paid a visit to our office...and stood in the hallway talking about her pregnancy with another coworker, S. C doesn't see the point of having an ultrasound every month.

Think I should tell her what the point is?

(Don't worry...I didn't.)

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Just me and you kid

As I drove out of my work parking lot on my way to my appointment, I had this overwhelming sense of alone-ness. Not loneliness...I do not feel lonely. Alone-ness...as in, I am alone in this.

I was headed to meet my amazing husband at my spectacular doctor's office and I carried all the well-wishes of friends and family with me. But I was alone.

This is all up to me. My body.

No matter what happens, I know that there will be people I can turn to for love and support (and hopefully congratulations and celebration). But no matter what happens I am alone.

And no matter how amazing everyone is, it's still all up to me...just me.

That is an awe-inspiring yet terrifying responsibility.

9w3d


Measuring 9w3d right on target. Little heartbeat looks and sounds good. We saw it moving around doing a little dance. The OB said it looked like a little gummy bear dancing. Gummy bear...GB...we have a nickname.

I'm the expert...in what?

The county sent me and two of my colleagues to a seminar yesterday...almost 200 miles away (and I did all the driving)...about Ohio's new pay-to-play law as it applies to local government officials.

I lost track of the number of times the "expert" said, "You'll have to consult your prosecutor's office for their interpretation." Ummm...yeah...we were hoping YOU would have some guidance to US.

And then, the second presenter informed us that there is a good possibility that this new law just may not apply to us after all. Thanks. Why did we drive all this way for THIS?

The afternoon session was scheduled to be a panel discussion. About what, I'm not sure, because we left and hit the outlet mall on the way home.

I ALMOST bought a baby outfit at the Carter's outlet, but chickened out at the register and put it back.

Yeah, some expert.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Another change of perspective

For the first 29 years of my life I was a pretty selfish person. I didn't intend to be selfish, I just was so wrapped up in my own little existence that I didn't have room to comprehend life as it was for anyone else.

My parents were my parents and they really had no life sphere that didn't include me. If they were happy or sad or fulfilled or disappointed, I don't remember.

I am shocked these days when I consider some of the things my friends went through while we were growing up. It's not that I didn't know what they were going through back then, it's just that I never really gave it much thought.

I missed a lot. I skated through. When I retell the stories of my youth, I often gloss over the details because I just don't remember them. This isn't because I have a bad memory...but it IS because I just didn't pay attention. I didn't see the point.

I have always been afraid to be close to anyone else. I used to think it was out of an effort to protect myself from hurt. But now, if I'm honest about it, I think it was more out of laziness and an effort to just "not get involved." If I didn't pay attention then I wouldn't have to REALLY admit that there were bad things in life. I could just glide through without any disruption of my little blissful utopia.

For a long time, I wasn't a REAL part of my own life. While I paid lip service to the importance of my family and friends, I wasn't really living that truth. I know I can be a better friend and a better daughter/sister/wife/mother.

All that time I felt disconnected, it wasn't because "they" made me feel like an outsider...but because I disconnected myself from "them" and didn't make the effort.

But now, I'm trying. For once, I'm really trying.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Miscellaneous thoughts

Last night, while laying in bed, Sam revealed that he had gotten in trouble at daycare and had gotten a timeout. Then he giggled...quite pleased with himself for having pulled one over on Steve and I. That whole no-tv-if-we-get-a-bad-report-from-daycare thing only works if we actually GET a bad report. Smart kid. Learning to keep his mouth shut early in life.
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I have shopping to do this weekend!

I have to buy a birthday exchange gift for another 5-year-old boy. I think I'll take Sam and get his opinion. I also am getting a couple small gifts for some friends...and I think I'm going to need to start at least looking for baby gifts for Kate's twins. I also have to do some secret pal shopping. I have one more package to get out before the end of this month in order to meet my obligation. This means a trip to a craft store...I just don't know if I can handle that...but I'll force myself. :o)

I also need to pick up some yellow pansies and orange marigolds.
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I wanted to thank each of you for the faith and hope expressed in the comments of my last post. It's amazing what it can feel like just to hear someone say, "I have no doubts," or, "I have hope."
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Many have said they have "girl vibes" about this pregnancy. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm sure it will inspire a longer post someday. But right now I'm just excited to announce that yesterday marked the official change from embryo to fetus. One step at a time, right?
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My feet smell bad. I'm not sure if it's the new sandals or what. But seriously...ick!
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Blogger now automatically saves drafts! Genius!
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It's going to be interesting here at work. My office neighbor finally passed the bar exam. He now goes from paralegal status to attorney status. He previously worked under the appellate attorney. Now that he's a full-fledged attorney, I don't think she's his supervisor anymore. I wonder how everyone is going to adjust after hearing a very awkward conversation where she offered him an actual appellate case, "To cut his teeth on as an actual attorney."
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I just turned down free tickets to the Indians game. There were only two tickets and we're a family of three right now. It just wouldn't be right.
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If facial hair alone is any indicator of the health of the fetus (who I need to think of a cute little name for), then s/he is doing amazingly well in there. I swear I woke up this morning with a full beard. blech!
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Like I said...numb is serving me well. Unfortunately, it makes for a boring ass blog.
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Thursday, May 17, 2007

No thoughts

I swore I wouldn't watch Notes from the Underbelly. And then I did. And last night I laughed and laughed and laughed...especially when Lauren would unceremoniously fall asleep at the most inappropriate times and places. I LAUGHED, I tell you! (And then I went to bed because I was TIRED.)

I often read blogs where people say they are thinking of blog posts but they never actually write them. I'll be honest, I'm completely the opposite. I have NO thoughts running around in my head. I think this is a phase of comfortable numbness that I'm just going to enjoy for a while. Why not, right? There's nothing anybody can do. No time machine to speed up time. And really, there are so many things going on right now that I am enjoying that I don't really want them to speed by. [I would enjoy a time machine so that we could speed by the part where Sam thinks it is now funny to call his little girlfriend Ashley a "penis" (a nickname that makes her laugh and laugh and laugh). But I digress.]

There's just not much going on up in the dusty old synapses of my brain. I want to eat red meat and I want to watch stupid sitcoms and do some crocheting. On the weekends I want to sleep and garden and finish my house. That's it.

There are a few things that make me feel sad and somewhat isolated, but I guess that just goes with the territory of having dead babies. I do have this nagging feeling that nobody really thinks I'm going to be capable of birthing a live baby. And I personally have definite issues acknowledging this pregnancy. I actually said, "I'm pregnant," the other day and I immediately felt like a fraud. I hate that everyone around me has so much doubt. I hate that I have so much doubt.

So I don't think about it. I stick with numb.

I'm craving BBQ ribs right now.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Thank you Darcie!


My friend Darcie sent me this beautiful statuette/ornament that says, "You are Special." The little star she is holding glows in the dark! I love it! Thank you, my friend.

So guess what?

It seems Brooke sneaked off and had a beautiful baby girl!

Welcome to the world Ivy Grace!

And CONGRATULATIONS to your mama and papa!

Can't keep up

I have an inbox full of lovely emails to respond to. This blog has been sadly neglected. My house is a mess. Work is piling up on my desk. At eight weeks it's already going downhill fast.

And I can.not.keep.my.eyes.open...

Monday, May 14, 2007

My secret is out

Go wish Shinny some congratulations!

[I'm so glad you're not making me wait any longer...my head might explode :o) ]

Mother's Day Miscellaneous Thoughts

Time for the obligatory Mother's Day review...yummy breakfast in bed (waffles with whipped cream and strawberries)...adorable living son...two dead boys...mom over for a visit...first grilled burgers of the summer...pregnancy tiredness...planting flowers at the cemetery...blah...blah...blah. I almost can't even bring myself to type it. It feels like an old LP where the needle is stuck and you keep hearing the same couple of lines over and over again. But yet there are a few odds and ends that seem to be looking to be said out loud. I don't know why. Here they are, in no particular order...

~I have the best husband in the whole world. Seriously. And I love him more than I can possibly ever say.

~It occurs to me today that I never lit the boys' birthday candles. We were so busy that I simply forgot. Actually, Travis doesn't even HAVE a birthday candle yet. I forgot to order it. Nice job. And now I'm wondering about the propriety of lighting a candle for them now...maybe tonight when I get home from work. meh...I guess they won't really care, will they?

~I deliberately did not give in to the urge to pull their stuff out and look through it for their "birthdays." Part of me longs to drag it all out and feel close to them. But I knew it would send me on a downward spiral that I just didn't feel like dealing with...so I forced the urge down. I wonder if it will always feel like this...like I'm at war with myself.

~Mother's Day was...in a word...weird. My grandma is gone. Two of my boys are gone. But one of my boys is still here (and cute as a button). I'm pregnant (again). Mom was there. I was there. But it was like a jigsaw puzzle where the pieces don't seem to fit together the right way.

(This space is reserved for a photo of the pretty purple flowers we planted at the cemetery for Alex and Travis.)

~I am, in a word, hostile. If I hear one more woman complain about mother's day being a disappointment because their husband didn't make them breakfast or get them a nice gift I am going to lose it. I planted flowers for my two dead sons...so shut up. Yeah, hostile is a good description.

~OCD tendency of last week...checking the comments to the posts for Travis and Alex...and making sure they both received more than 40 comments. It was oddly important to me that both boys were remembered equally (when I don't even remember them equally). And even more than the count, I took note of who commented where...and who didn't comment. It was as if I was keeping score. That's what I do now...place importance on unimportant things. I think it's my own personal way of keeping them 'alive.' I don't know. My head is all messed up.

~Apologies to my parents for passing out on them after lunch yesterday. I had a realization this morning. The label for the Zyrtec says, "may cause drowsiness." Uh...yeah. I am going to fall asleep here at my desk sometime today too, I'm sure. I miss my Claritin.

~In answer to a question that was asked here and by mom...the doc didn't give us a picture of the u/s. And we were feeling so much adrenaline from the whole experience that we didn't think to ask for one.

~I would like to share a statement I found on another blog.

Motherhood is only gained, never lost.

~Hey J - is it June yet?

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Miscellaneous Thoughts

Thank you to everyone for their kind words this past week. The depth of pain this year startled me because I thought I was "doing so well." It was a rough week, but we made it through...like we always do.
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Thank you to the MOM Project for the beautiful flowers in memory of Travis and Alex.

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My office neighbor passed the bar exam! Congratulations to him! Now I won't have to listen to him complain about it ever again! Yay for me!
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Tori & Dean: Inn Love - Hilarious! And the good news is...it's been renewed for a second season.
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What: Sam's 5th birthday party
Where: ToysRUs playland

Can I tell you how RELIEVED I am?
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We had requested information and a preliminary application from an adoption agency a while back. We read their information and weren't completely satisfied, so we decided not to fill out the application for them (we did choose another agency and were thinking of filling out their application when...well...you know). Anyway...uncomfortable agency emailed us a couple days ago, attempting to make "matches" with two potential birthmothers in PA. They don't even have our preliminary application and they're trying to match us? We could be axe murderers for all they know. Definitely glad we went with our gut and avoided that one.
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If you are a blogger friend and you are pregnant, you need to leave me a comment to let me know whether you are having a boy or a girl. I'm itching to stitch for live babies and ya'll will just have to feed my obsession.
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Thank you to my office manager, Debbie, who sent me these lovely white roses on behalf of the office.

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Remember the adoption agency that refused to contract with us but did offer us a lovely parting gift of a coupon to buy their book? I'm probably breaching some adoption protocol here, but this was just too rich not to share.

They sent me this email on Tuesday (good choice of day for them)...

Dear Catherine,

I wanted to take a moment to let you know about an upcoming adoption feature on NBC's 'The Today Show'.

Mardie Caldwell, the founder of Lifetime Adoption Center and author of Adoption: Your Step-by-Step Guide, will be making a live appearance in New York this week. She is scheduled to appear and share about adoption on America's #1 morning show on Wednesday, May 9 and May 10.

Tune in to learn more about growing your family through adoption. She will also be discussing important upcoming changes to various adoption opportunities.

Add it to your calendar or set up to TiVo the show this week. You don't want to miss this special adoption feature.

Warmly,


My response?

Your "agency" refused to contract with us. Stop sending me email.

No, I'm not kidding.

Their response?

Dear Catherine,

Thank you for your response. I have removed your e-mail address from your old application. We share adoption information with all families, even those we cannot work with at the time and apologize for any offense.

Blessings to you.

Warm Regards,
Karen S. Gardiner


Now let me translate how I read this...we won't work with you, but will take any opportunity to self-promote and/or sell you something. Or am I just being overly sensitive?
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Thank you to Cynthia who rose to the challenge to give me "something else to think about." This package arrived Monday, filled with individually wrapped gifts that I have been instructed to open when I need something else to think about. So far, I've opened English Toffee, a hand-shaped teething ring (for when I have no more fingernails to chew on), and a little tube of rose scented body lotion.

I have to say, so far, the candy is my favorite.

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Normally, I wouldn't be a big fan of tunics or babydoll tops. But I think this 'in style' fashion trend is going to help me hide my belly for a few extra weeks...a fact that I am pretty happy about.
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My mom broke her elbow. I feel bad because she wanted to plant flowers for the boys last weekend and I made her wait until this weekend...and now she can't help. I'm sorry Mom. You can sit and direct...I'll even make you some decaf to drink while you sit in your lawn chair.
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Am I allowed to talk about pregnancy/baby stuff with "normal" women? I feel like I don't have that right...like I'm a failure or a fraud and they will see right through me...like I'm that odd girl in high school that nobody really wanted to talk to. I don't want people to just be polite. Why do I always feel like I'm walking a tightrope?
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Eating a dozen olives three nights ago may not have been the best idea.
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I sent Sam to daycare on Friday sporting a "My Mom Rocks" tshirt. And he was glad to wear it. I love that kid!

(I secretly think he was sucking up so that I would grant his wish to have his birthday party at ToysRUs. Yeah...he's got me pegged for sure.)
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I know a secret...I know a secret...I know a secret...
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Friday, May 11, 2007

Forever in Our Hearts

Alex Gerard
Stillborn 5/11/05

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

My baby

Today my baby boy registers for kindergarten.

I still remember the morning I stood in the shower with my hand on my belly crying and saying, "I'm going to be somebody's mom."

I remember that moment in the hospital when Steve had gone to sign the discharge papers at the nurses station and I stood next to Sam's bassinette thinking, "Oh my God, they're going to let us go home with him. He is OURS."

I remember that morning when I yelled to Steve to wake up...to come to the living room...to see our son's first smiles.

I remember the middle of that night when we were all three in tears because we hadn't slept in what seemed like weeks.

I remember that afternoon when he rolled off the couch and I called Steve in hysterics.

I remember his first real food was Oreo Blizzard from Dairy Queen, snuck to him by his Daddy in the back seat of the silver Chevy Cavalier.

I remember those first attempts to sit up...and thud of his large head on the carpet when he fell.

I remember that game of drop the pacifier and say 'uh-oh' as we tried to do our shopping in Walmart.

I remember that first trip to the zoo on his first birthday...the day he learned to wave hi and bye.

I remember dancing around the living room with him in my arms to Country Music Television.

I remember, "No pity!" and "Go Rockies!" yelled from the back seat.

I remember that first trip to daycare.

I remember when he couldn't say "truck" and we all laughed at the embarassment caused by his use of "f" in place of "tr."

I remember the Wiggles Christmas video.

I remember painting together and him making less of a mess than Steve.

I remember the moment he walked into the hospital room after we said goodbye to Alex...that hug...and I knew I would make it through for him.

I remember that face when we went for a ride on Thomas the Tank Engine.

I remember that first scribbly S written on a scrap of paper.

I remember his announcement that he had a "little girlfriend Ashley."

I remember him telling me he's not a baby anymore, he's a big kid...but agreeing he would always be MY baby.

It all happened so fast...

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

SLIUP

Single Live Intrauterine Pregnancy

Funny how the emphasis on certain words changes as you get older and your life/perspective changes.

The miracle of modern technology allowed us to see the teeny tiny flicker of heartbeat AND hear it.

Thank you all for your well wishes, prayers, and generally good mojo. We appreciate it.

We also appreciate all of your kindness in remembering Travis.

Bittersweet is a good word to describe today. I lasted until 8:19am before starting to cry.

But tonight...we are smiling tonight.

In loving memory

Travis Leo
Stillborn 5/8/06


Image by Marchwind Studios

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Very funny

I joked. That was the problem. I joked. I should know better than to get cocky.

We took my parents out for lunch for my Dad's birthday, a yearly event that has, for the last two years, been followed by bad news. We decided to chance it this year, feeling pretty well prepared for bad news should it be announced on Tuesday.

All through lunch I got the distinct impression that my mom was sizing me up...making sure I was doing "ok." It wasn't unwelcome, but the mention of Alex or Travis makes me edgy lately. I can't help it. I know they have a place in everyone else's heart...but now, during this time, I don't feel like sharing them (or what I'm feeling about them). It's selfish...I know that.

So I smiled and told my plans for planting flowers at the cemetery (my mom brought a gorgeous flat of pansies to plant...now I just have to buy some more to go with them)...and then I changed the subject (I've become an expert at changing the subject).

We had a lovely day. My parents came back to the house with us and we played a rousing game of Chutes and Ladders. Grandpa won. Sam came in second. Grandma was declared the third place winner. And I was left back on square #11. I think they cheat.

When they left, I jokingly quipped to Steve, "Do you think I passed the 'Is she going to have a complete mental breakdown test?'"

Steve, being the loving husband he is, said, "Oh, honey, I'm sure she already knows you're going to have a complete mental breakdown...it's only a matter of time." Yeah, right, no steak AND verbal barbs...he'd better sleep with one eye open. :o)

I sat down to watch a mindless Hallmark movie.

And then the phone rang.

"Hi, this is K. I'm a Creative Memories consultant. I don't know if you remember, but we met at xyz craft show a while back. I know it's been a while since I've called, but I see your still on my email list and I wondered if you're still interested at all."

Now, a little background...
I met K when mom and I sold some stuff at a table at xyz craft show. Actually, I don't think we sold a thing that day. But Sam came for a visit and he was the hit of the auditorium. And my mom bought me a scrapbooking circle-maker from K as a present. Of course, because it is a catalog order, I had to give K my phone number...so she could contact me when my order came in (and bother me incessantly about future "parties"). The last time K sales-called me, I had to pass on her invitation to attend a crop because I was heavily pregnant with Alex (a fact I now know I never should have shared with her).

Back to today's fun phone call...

My verbal tap-dancing response was, "Well, you know, so many life things have gotten in the way, I guess I'm not really interested enough for it to be worth your time."

Not to be deterred, she said, "Oh, well I know you're busy. The last time we talked you were pregnant and I know you already had the one little one. So do you have two or do you have more by now?" She was laughing...implying that it had been so long since we had talked that it could be possible I would have three or four children.

I choked out, "Actually, I still only have the one."

Silence. Not just any silence. THAT silence. I told Steve I liken it to that moment after a person has stepped on a land mine...when they know it has been armed and they are processing the fact that it is all done but the blowing up into bits and pieces.

"Oh...I'm...sorry."

"That's ok."

So what does the consummate saleslady say? She stutters out this gem...
"Well...you know...sometimes just getting out...and working with photographs...is helpful for dealing...with...whatever is going on in life."

It was all I could do not to burst into tears while on the telephone.

After finishing the conversation with a, "Well, I appreciate your call. Goodbye," I realized I should have said, "Yes, but you see, I don't have photographs of my dead babies...or at least not enough to scrapbook."

Can you imagine? Me showing up at the crop at her house with photos of my dead babies? Wouldn't that be a hoot?

Yeah...so not one, but two crying jags later, I know not to get too cocky again.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

I promise this is not turning into a foodie blog

But really, I have to ask...how did Freshley's make such awful pecan twirls? I mean well and truly awful. I would only eat them if there was no other food on the planet awful.

Good thing they were only $0.79 each package. $2.37 wasted And my taste buds may never recover.

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?!?! OH THE HUMANITY!!!

Promises and punishments

The husband promised me steak for lunch...steak that I would not have to cook myself. We were also supposed to go to Lowes to finish up our home improvement purchasing. However, the DISH guy is here doing I don't know what. He's been here for I don't know how long.

It's 12:12 and still no steak.

I had pop tarts for breakfast.

He hasn't even showered yet.

I am currently dreaming up suitable punishments.

Suggestions?

Friday, May 04, 2007

Consciousness is good

I went outside for the first time in three days and it felt good. I was exhausted by the time I was done with my little walk to look at the flowers that have sprouted in my Alex and Travis flower gardens.

So this means...I'm conscious! And it's a good thing I'm feeling better and not needing sleep today, since the redneck neighbors are shooting and blowing things up in their back yard...and have been at it for three HOURS now (even with plugged up ears, that can get annoying). But it has given me time to catch up on blogs and some email.

And in that vein, I wanted to send a big THANK YOU out to my secret pal who sent this delicious Atacama Chilean Hand-dyed Alpaca yarn, Bee Bar Lotion Bar, and Wines of the World flash cards (now I can expand my knowledge beyond wine in a box).

I also want to send out a thank you to my friend Sherri who sent me what looks to be a real four-leaf clover. It made me smile...still makes me smile.


So the last few days have passed by without much to note. Lots of tissues, nausea/stomach pain, headache, and general achiness. Blah! But if the universe was intending a distraction from my obsessions...it worked. And no, I'm not becoming an overly perky, glass is half full, kind of gal. Just making note that I'm feeling less anxious and more grateful to be able to breathe. We just won't discuss the package of newly ordered and delivered maternity clothes that sit unopened on my kitchen table (and will remain unopened until after Tuesday). Small steps.

I do, of course, rightly blame Steve for getting me pregnant and sick. It's all his fault and he has been appropriately sorry...though he does seem to have trouble finding the "right" kind of popsicles (sugar free? why bother?).

Yeah, this is a little schizophrenic. Sorry about that.

Let's just look at more pretty flowers...

Thursday, May 03, 2007

sick and tired

All original thought is stuck in the mass of snot inside my head.
Spent yesterday in bed.
Same plan for today.
I'll be back soon.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

snort

Seriously...thank you Cynthia...
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

ding ding ding ding! we have a winner!

Kathy said: The other thing is, once you get over the fear of ectopic, then you'll replace it with another worry.

It ain't a rational mind you're dealing with here folks. Want me to list some of the irrational things I've been worrying/obsessing about?

~I have a cold/sinus drainage thing going on. Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
~The dog stepped on my foot with her unclean paws and left a scratch. Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
~I have a pimple where you don't want to have a pimple. It became pussy and popped while wiping. Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
~The outdoor cat cannot rub against my legs. Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
~Constipation, diarrhea, gas...Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.
~I took a jacuzzi bath with my son the other night and the tub wasn't exactly spic-n-span clean. Oh My God! Infection! The baby is going to die.

Are you sensing a theme here? I have dead baby nightmares at least once a day. And sometimes the obsession takes over and I have to just freak out a little bit. I imagine that I will, at some point, worry about things as remotely possible as the bubonic plague and malaria...just because I can...just because my mind is all fucked up like that.

I know there are a lot of things at work here. First and foremost, I simply do not shift gears this fast. I had been working on making peace with the idea of no more babies. I think I was even doing pretty good with that. Yes, I was sad and disappointed...but really overall doing pretty well. And then...BLAMMO! Now there are all these considerations and concerns to deal with.

I have always been a planner (hence, the name of this blog). I have never been unexpectedly pregnant and I doubt I would have done very well with this situation under the best of circumstances. This was all something that was supposed to go according to plan. You know...fall in love...get married...buy a house...decide to have kids...have kids...live happily ever after. You don't skip steps and you don't do the steps out of order...and you certainly don't add "have dead kids" in there anywhere. So now what?!?! The plan has already been shot to hell...so I've got nothing to lose, right? Wrong.

I don't deal well with change!

Oh...and I realized that I have been walking around sucking in my stomach since I found out I was pregnant. That's like doing Pilates all damn day. Geez, I wonder where my abdominal pain is coming from? I made a conscious decision to let out my gut yesterday and I felt better almost immediately. I don't need to move my appointment. It will be fine. I am 7weeks on Saturday. Having an u/s before that could be a waste of time and I don't want to waste anyone's time. I'm good. We're good. My boobs are feeling fuller and the snot drainage has initiated my gag reflex. Still pregnant for today. Still mental...but still pregnant.