I thought we had heard it all.
And then Steve gets this one yesterday...
"I hope this one works out for you. You have been through so much. You both deserve this."
Steve asks me, "So, what? We didn't deserve the other two?"
And there was my awkward conversation at the pizza shop as I picked up my turkey, bacon and cheddar sub sandwich for lunch. I happened to be wearing an obvious maternity top at the time and this is a place that I go to at least once a week.
Lady: "I didn't know you were pregnant."
Me: "Yep."
Lady: "Is this your first?"
Me: "Nope.
(please let it drop, please let it drop, please let it drop)
Lady: "Second? Third?"
Me: (well if you aren't going to let it drop given my very short answers and seeming unwillingness to talk about it then you're getting the whole unvarnished truth...may God help your soul)
"This is my fourth pregnancy and will be my second living child if it survives."
Lady: (suddenly very interested in the credit card machine)
WHY do you feel the need to ASK about my reproductive history? I figure if you don't know a person well enough to already KNOW their story, then you just shouldn't ask.
And if anonymous is still reading...I KNOW people aren't out to get me. But do they have to be so damn stupid?!?!
Friday, June 29, 2007
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Pregnancy, as interpreted by a 5-year-old mind
The three of us sat down last night and listened to the baby's heartbeat. Sam said it was, "really fun," and I agree.
Today he came home from daycare, patted my belly, and asked, "Is your belly getting bigger?"
This better work out...for all of us.
Today he came home from daycare, patted my belly, and asked, "Is your belly getting bigger?"
This better work out...for all of us.
I have been inspired
I have been inspired to try eating local. I have spent a good deal of time online looking up local farmer's markets and sources for local meat. This weekend, I shop!
I don't know that I'll meet the Local Summer challenge, but I'm definitely going to have fun exploring the food around here.
I don't know that I'll meet the Local Summer challenge, but I'm definitely going to have fun exploring the food around here.
If I believed in that sort of thing
Today, while on my way home on the same road where the bird committed suicide by crashing into the side of my minivan, a black cat sauntered across the road in front of me. It looked right at me as I stopped to wait for it to lazily make its way to the safety of the grass in the roadside ditch.
One misty morning when I was pregnant with Alex, I was driving along that same stretch of road and a big beautiful buck bounded across the road...so graceful and commanding as it bounded its way from the treeline on one side of the road to the overgrown brush on the other side of the road. It didn't slow down. It showed no hesitation. It was so beautiful and sure...so regal...I thought it must be a sign. I thought it was a good sign at the time.
It is the same stretch of road where I found insight in a flock of crows.
But I don't believe that sort of thing anymore.
If I did, I think I might just curl up and have a good cry while I wait for the other shoe to drop.
One misty morning when I was pregnant with Alex, I was driving along that same stretch of road and a big beautiful buck bounded across the road...so graceful and commanding as it bounded its way from the treeline on one side of the road to the overgrown brush on the other side of the road. It didn't slow down. It showed no hesitation. It was so beautiful and sure...so regal...I thought it must be a sign. I thought it was a good sign at the time.
It is the same stretch of road where I found insight in a flock of crows.
But I don't believe that sort of thing anymore.
If I did, I think I might just curl up and have a good cry while I wait for the other shoe to drop.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
I am one lucky girl
So let me brag today about the best man in the whole wide world...MY husband.
Two nights ago it was 90+ degrees in our bedroom and I simply couldn't sleep. I went downstairs (which has a room air conditioner) and TRIED to sleep on the sofa which is an old sofabed. Now I don't know if you know anything about old sofabeds, but they are made of heavy steel and aren't quite comfortable in the sofa position (and since we don't have an actual mattress for the old sofabed, there is no chance of actually pulling it out and using it as a bed). So...I TRIED to sleep on the old sofabed sofa (how many times CAN I use the word sofa in one post? sofa, sofa, sofa...what a strange word. French...from Arabic. and it sounds weird if you say it enough. but I digress).
Anyway...
As I'm sure you could tell from yesterday's woe-is-me post, I was particularly tired and cranky after getting very little sleep on the old sofabed sofa. And yesterday was even hotter than the day before...which meant I was facing another LONG night on the old sofabed sofa.
So what does my husband do?
He takes us (and at least one of us was in a really bad mood) out to McDonald's for dinner and then to Home Depot to BUY AN AIR CONDITIONER FOR OUR BEDROOM!!!
I love that man!!!
I was so exhausted from the previous night's lack of sleep that I slept through and only got up to pee ONCE! Cool sheets...a cool breeze...the hum of the air conditioner for white noise. It was heaven!
I woke up this morning when Steve headed out to the barn to feed the horses and gave him a kiss and a thank you...even before we had brushed our teeth! Yes, I risked morning breath kisses (and that is huge for anyone who has ever experienced pregnancy gag reflexes). That is how thankful I was to him!
Just so nobody thinks I'm too spoiled...We had actually budgeted for this purchase in our home renovation loan but weren't sure we were going to be able to buy it when the living room ceiling collapsed and revealed structural issues that needed to be addressed. Luckily it all worked out. Because I would not have survived the summer on that old sofabed sofa. And given the fact that this is really only the second HOT day we've had this year...I have to give credit to my husband for making it happen.
Two nights ago it was 90+ degrees in our bedroom and I simply couldn't sleep. I went downstairs (which has a room air conditioner) and TRIED to sleep on the sofa which is an old sofabed. Now I don't know if you know anything about old sofabeds, but they are made of heavy steel and aren't quite comfortable in the sofa position (and since we don't have an actual mattress for the old sofabed, there is no chance of actually pulling it out and using it as a bed). So...I TRIED to sleep on the old sofabed sofa (how many times CAN I use the word sofa in one post? sofa, sofa, sofa...what a strange word. French...from Arabic. and it sounds weird if you say it enough. but I digress).
Anyway...
As I'm sure you could tell from yesterday's woe-is-me post, I was particularly tired and cranky after getting very little sleep on the old sofabed sofa. And yesterday was even hotter than the day before...which meant I was facing another LONG night on the old sofabed sofa.
So what does my husband do?
He takes us (and at least one of us was in a really bad mood) out to McDonald's for dinner and then to Home Depot to BUY AN AIR CONDITIONER FOR OUR BEDROOM!!!
I love that man!!!
I was so exhausted from the previous night's lack of sleep that I slept through and only got up to pee ONCE! Cool sheets...a cool breeze...the hum of the air conditioner for white noise. It was heaven!
I woke up this morning when Steve headed out to the barn to feed the horses and gave him a kiss and a thank you...even before we had brushed our teeth! Yes, I risked morning breath kisses (and that is huge for anyone who has ever experienced pregnancy gag reflexes). That is how thankful I was to him!
Just so nobody thinks I'm too spoiled...We had actually budgeted for this purchase in our home renovation loan but weren't sure we were going to be able to buy it when the living room ceiling collapsed and revealed structural issues that needed to be addressed. Luckily it all worked out. Because I would not have survived the summer on that old sofabed sofa. And given the fact that this is really only the second HOT day we've had this year...I have to give credit to my husband for making it happen.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Consider this a blip on the radar
OK...I've gone 14 weeks and 2 days without really complaining. I have relished every bit as much as possible and have counted the many blessings I have in my life. I know I should be grateful and I am. I know there are far worse things that I could go through and I apologize in advance if I sound anything other than blissfully happy. Please just consider this my vent of all vents...a purging, if you will...for the early part of this pregnancy. One...and then I will go back to being happy and cheerful and positive and thankful...
~I have HUGE ZITS on my face that HURT!
~My hair is beginning to fall out by the handful.
~My pants are getting too tight but I'm not quite big enough to wear maternity without looking silly.
~My legs ache almost all the time.
~My belly is bruised and painful from the daily Lovenox injections.
~I am rarely hungry so when I do get hungry and eat I feel like throwing up because I overeat.
~I'm a mean evil nasty pregnant woman and my husband just may run away and hide from me before all is said and done.
~I have very little to say that isn't sarcastic.
~My back hurts if I sleep too long.
~My neck hurts...I'm guessing because I'm so tense.
~I have to get up to pee FOUR times a night!
~I'm tired because I have to get up to pee FOUR times a night and don't get enough uninterrupted sleep.
~If I don't pee often, I feel nauseous.
~My eyes are constantly itchy from allergies.
~I can not garden because I can not take any allergy medicine that doesn't knock me out cold.
~My hips hurt if I sit too long.
~My left foot hurts in some weird fallen-arch kind of way.
~I am angry and resentful that I have to go through this again.
~I'm terrified that as soon as I say all this something bad will happen and I'll feel guilty for having said it.
OK. That's it. Back to your regularly scheduled gratitude/happiness/insanity.
~I have HUGE ZITS on my face that HURT!
~My hair is beginning to fall out by the handful.
~My pants are getting too tight but I'm not quite big enough to wear maternity without looking silly.
~My legs ache almost all the time.
~My belly is bruised and painful from the daily Lovenox injections.
~I am rarely hungry so when I do get hungry and eat I feel like throwing up because I overeat.
~I'm a mean evil nasty pregnant woman and my husband just may run away and hide from me before all is said and done.
~I have very little to say that isn't sarcastic.
~My back hurts if I sleep too long.
~My neck hurts...I'm guessing because I'm so tense.
~I have to get up to pee FOUR times a night!
~I'm tired because I have to get up to pee FOUR times a night and don't get enough uninterrupted sleep.
~If I don't pee often, I feel nauseous.
~My eyes are constantly itchy from allergies.
~I can not garden because I can not take any allergy medicine that doesn't knock me out cold.
~My hips hurt if I sit too long.
~My left foot hurts in some weird fallen-arch kind of way.
~I am angry and resentful that I have to go through this again.
~I'm terrified that as soon as I say all this something bad will happen and I'll feel guilty for having said it.
OK. That's it. Back to your regularly scheduled gratitude/happiness/insanity.
In the blink of an eye
I bird flew into the side of the minivan this morning as I was driving to work.
Thunk. I can't get that sound out of my head.
And I shouldn't have looked in the rear view mirror.
Pregnancy hormones are fun, aren't they? Add unmitigated fear and hope and desperation on top of pregnancy hormones and you get me this morning.
Poor little bird just going about its business and THUNK. I wonder if there are baby birds somewhere going without. I wonder if there are friend birds wondering where in the hell their friend is.
Life just stopped.
I REALLY shouldn't have looked in the rear view mirror.
Thunk. I can't get that sound out of my head.
And I shouldn't have looked in the rear view mirror.
Pregnancy hormones are fun, aren't they? Add unmitigated fear and hope and desperation on top of pregnancy hormones and you get me this morning.
Poor little bird just going about its business and THUNK. I wonder if there are baby birds somewhere going without. I wonder if there are friend birds wondering where in the hell their friend is.
Life just stopped.
I REALLY shouldn't have looked in the rear view mirror.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Hypocrisy or something else?
I looked at Steve yesterday while we watched the latest news about the discovery of Jessie Davis' nine months pregnant body and said something I was sure would sound horrible. I'm still not sure it comes out with the exact inflection necessary to get my point across. But Steve understood, so I'm going to try to type it into words and see how it looks in print.
First let me say how horrible the situation is and how sad I feel for that family. This, in no way, is intended to be a comment on their loss or the sadness they must feel. I've lost two babies but I have no idea what pain it must be to lose a grown child and a baby at the same time. My heart aches for them. At the same time, I have a question that I would really love answered.
I have watched the news reports (how could I not...it is the lead of our local newscast every night). I know that the unborn baby had a name...Chloe. I have grown ever more resentful, as people have expressed how sad they were over Chloe's death. They talk about her lost potential. They talk about how loved Chloe was/is.
Yet when people talk with me, they are shocked if/when I mention the names of my sons. People seem perplexed at my feelings over our loss. There is a definite discomfort with recognizing my dead children as actual children...loved...lost potential...dearly missed even though we never really got to know them.
Nobody tells John Walsh to "get over it." Everyone remembers Laci Peterson and Baby Conner. But tens of thousands of mothers are told to "move on" every years. TENS of THOUSANDS. What is that?
Steve says he thinks that a good tragedy unites people. I think he might be right. If there is enough moral outrage at the WAY a baby died, then it becomes socially acceptable to mourn that loss. But if your baby just dies as the result of something so mundane as a bacterial infection, then there is a time limit on the acceptability of the grief. It's as if people need a vehicle with which to justify their grief feelings.
But what is weird to me is that women like myself, who have the vehicle of medical breach of care, are seen as grasping at straws...as somehow desperate. It is an odd thing. And as I said, I'm not sure I've expressed myself clearly. Just something I'm turning around in my brain for now. As often happens with these thoughts, clarity may or may not come later.
First let me say how horrible the situation is and how sad I feel for that family. This, in no way, is intended to be a comment on their loss or the sadness they must feel. I've lost two babies but I have no idea what pain it must be to lose a grown child and a baby at the same time. My heart aches for them. At the same time, I have a question that I would really love answered.
I have watched the news reports (how could I not...it is the lead of our local newscast every night). I know that the unborn baby had a name...Chloe. I have grown ever more resentful, as people have expressed how sad they were over Chloe's death. They talk about her lost potential. They talk about how loved Chloe was/is.
Yet when people talk with me, they are shocked if/when I mention the names of my sons. People seem perplexed at my feelings over our loss. There is a definite discomfort with recognizing my dead children as actual children...loved...lost potential...dearly missed even though we never really got to know them.
Nobody tells John Walsh to "get over it." Everyone remembers Laci Peterson and Baby Conner. But tens of thousands of mothers are told to "move on" every years. TENS of THOUSANDS. What is that?
Steve says he thinks that a good tragedy unites people. I think he might be right. If there is enough moral outrage at the WAY a baby died, then it becomes socially acceptable to mourn that loss. But if your baby just dies as the result of something so mundane as a bacterial infection, then there is a time limit on the acceptability of the grief. It's as if people need a vehicle with which to justify their grief feelings.
But what is weird to me is that women like myself, who have the vehicle of medical breach of care, are seen as grasping at straws...as somehow desperate. It is an odd thing. And as I said, I'm not sure I've expressed myself clearly. Just something I'm turning around in my brain for now. As often happens with these thoughts, clarity may or may not come later.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
I don't care what anyone says
My co-worker (and friend) has been diagnosed with a brain tumor.
My friends' baby has been diagnosed with aortic stenosis and now has to have a "procedure" to hopefully stave off the need for heart surgery.
And then there is Lisa and all that she is going through.
And Julie losing her friend.
I don't care what anyone thinks...things do NOT happen for a reason.
There is no reason. Things just happen. Good things. Bad things. They just happen.
If you don't agree with me, keep it to yourself.
My friends' baby has been diagnosed with aortic stenosis and now has to have a "procedure" to hopefully stave off the need for heart surgery.
And then there is Lisa and all that she is going through.
And Julie losing her friend.
I don't care what anyone thinks...things do NOT happen for a reason.
There is no reason. Things just happen. Good things. Bad things. They just happen.
If you don't agree with me, keep it to yourself.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Must do the honorable thing
Spent all day in court.
Now I feel like falling on a sword to end it all.
Some days are just that much fun, aren't they?
On a positive note, I only had to run out of the courtroom once to up-chuck my lunch.
Now I feel like falling on a sword to end it all.
Some days are just that much fun, aren't they?
On a positive note, I only had to run out of the courtroom once to up-chuck my lunch.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Still alive
Ultrasound showed GB still wiggling and kicking around in there.
My blood pressure is 120/70 and my placenta is anterior.
Next appointment two weeks from now. Then another two weeks. Then every week until we pass "a certain point" (OB's words)...the "mystery bump in the road" (my words)..."D-Day" (Steve's words).
I scheduled seven appointments at one time and the receptionist asked why. I told her. She was very apologetic. Why did she feel the need to ask in the first place? As long as they're paid for, I should be able to get all the appointments I want.
My "frank" conversation with the receptionist caused one very pregnant woman to walk out of the waiting room. I feel bad. On the one hand, I want women to know it can happen to them. On the other, I don't want to ruin it for anyone.
I'm having nightmares about Jessie Davis.
I guess that's all the news that's fit to print. I will probably think of more after I get rid of this post-appointment headache.
My blood pressure is 120/70 and my placenta is anterior.
Next appointment two weeks from now. Then another two weeks. Then every week until we pass "a certain point" (OB's words)...the "mystery bump in the road" (my words)..."D-Day" (Steve's words).
I scheduled seven appointments at one time and the receptionist asked why. I told her. She was very apologetic. Why did she feel the need to ask in the first place? As long as they're paid for, I should be able to get all the appointments I want.
My "frank" conversation with the receptionist caused one very pregnant woman to walk out of the waiting room. I feel bad. On the one hand, I want women to know it can happen to them. On the other, I don't want to ruin it for anyone.
I'm having nightmares about Jessie Davis.
I guess that's all the news that's fit to print. I will probably think of more after I get rid of this post-appointment headache.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Monday, June 18, 2007
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Happy Father's Day
Sam...it's Father's Day...don't annoy your father.
Steve...I love you
And since I promised I wouldn't write anything that would make you cry, all I have to say is...
Happy Father's Day.
Steve...I love you
And since I promised I wouldn't write anything that would make you cry, all I have to say is...
Happy Father's Day.
Dear Anonymous
Bite me.
Secret Pal is over for me and anonymous comments are now off (and your comment has been deleted). Thank you for the reminder.
And so you know, if you read even a small part of this blog, you will see that I don't think people are "out to get me." What I think is that people are narrow-minded and short-sighted. What I think is that there are some behaviors in our society that are unintentionally and unnecessarily hurtful. What I think is that people like you should read more blogs like mine and get a clue...find some empathy...learn to be kind to others. I hope that by reading my words, you get a glimpse of what is beyond your normal sphere of existence and you see that other people may need a little more compassion than you normally show. Maybe, you might even learn to offer special kindness without having to be asked. Now wouldn't that be a kick in the pants? It might actually help you be a better person. Then you might find helpful behaviors to engage in...rather than anonymously posting hurtful comments on the blog of someone who is already hurting (for which I still say...Bite Me).
Secret Pal is over for me and anonymous comments are now off (and your comment has been deleted). Thank you for the reminder.
And so you know, if you read even a small part of this blog, you will see that I don't think people are "out to get me." What I think is that people are narrow-minded and short-sighted. What I think is that there are some behaviors in our society that are unintentionally and unnecessarily hurtful. What I think is that people like you should read more blogs like mine and get a clue...find some empathy...learn to be kind to others. I hope that by reading my words, you get a glimpse of what is beyond your normal sphere of existence and you see that other people may need a little more compassion than you normally show. Maybe, you might even learn to offer special kindness without having to be asked. Now wouldn't that be a kick in the pants? It might actually help you be a better person. Then you might find helpful behaviors to engage in...rather than anonymously posting hurtful comments on the blog of someone who is already hurting (for which I still say...Bite Me).
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Thank you kemaji!!!
My secret pal was revealed with this delicious package that arrived in the mail. See the yarn? It's SILK! It is so yummy!
You can find kemaji's blog over here. (I'm not going to reveal her real name since I don't know if she blogs anonymously or not...I'll let you know once I read her archives.)
This totally reminds me I have to get on the ball and get my secret pal's last package together.
You can find kemaji's blog over here. (I'm not going to reveal her real name since I don't know if she blogs anonymously or not...I'll let you know once I read her archives.)
This totally reminds me I have to get on the ball and get my secret pal's last package together.
Crying over spilled juice
The orange juice I had for breakfast was a BAD idea, so I decided to try some apple juice for lunch. I walked over to the building that houses the vending machine and bought the last apple juice. I walked back to my office building and promptly dropped the apple juice. The cap cracked and apple juice went spilling everywhere. I said, apparently too loudly, "That's it, I give up for today," and mopped up the spilled juice.
The receptionist asked me what happened and I told her I spilled my apple juice and I was really bummed because it was the last one. I was on the verge of tears...over apple juice.
My boss must have overheard bits of the conversation because he handed the receptionist some change and told her to go buy me another apple juice. How sweet is that? What a kind gesture.
The receptionist asked me what happened and I told her I spilled my apple juice and I was really bummed because it was the last one. I was on the verge of tears...over apple juice.
My boss must have overheard bits of the conversation because he handed the receptionist some change and told her to go buy me another apple juice. How sweet is that? What a kind gesture.
Thank you Julia!!!
I just read the most delicious comment that needs its own post...
The people who drive me mad are the ones who think that because some of us choose to make meaning out of our experience in a particular way that they approve of, than that is why we had to have it. I call bullshit. What we choose to do with the shambles that is our lives may tell one what kind of people we are, but it does not in any way tell anyone anything about what kinds of experiences we needed in our lives.
Julia's blog
The people who drive me mad are the ones who think that because some of us choose to make meaning out of our experience in a particular way that they approve of, than that is why we had to have it. I call bullshit. What we choose to do with the shambles that is our lives may tell one what kind of people we are, but it does not in any way tell anyone anything about what kinds of experiences we needed in our lives.
Julia's blog
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Is this your first?
So last night I announced to my business women's group that I am pregnant. They all know my history and I felt like it was a safe place. I didn't think about the fact that we had a guest and she might ask (stupid) questions. My fault entirely.
But really, WHY do women ask, "Is this your first?" Does it matter if it's my first or my sixth? What makes this an appropriate question? Is it any of your damn business if you've only just met me an hour earlier?
I quickly responded with, "No, this is my fourth," before I looked away and started crying. I heard her say, "Oh, your fourth," but I couldn't stand to look at her. Luckily, my friend body blocked the guest as she wrapped me up in her arms and said, "I hope it's ok that I pray for you." And thankfully, I didn't see our guest again before she left for the night.
I don't know if anyone told her about me or not...and I really don't care. Except that maybe if she knows she might think twice the next time before she asks a complete stranger another inappropriate question. Maybe I'll drop her a note and apologize for my abruptness with her...and explain. It will probably make her feel stupid, but at least it will save the next woman from her overly personal inquiry.
But really, WHY do women ask, "Is this your first?" Does it matter if it's my first or my sixth? What makes this an appropriate question? Is it any of your damn business if you've only just met me an hour earlier?
I quickly responded with, "No, this is my fourth," before I looked away and started crying. I heard her say, "Oh, your fourth," but I couldn't stand to look at her. Luckily, my friend body blocked the guest as she wrapped me up in her arms and said, "I hope it's ok that I pray for you." And thankfully, I didn't see our guest again before she left for the night.
I don't know if anyone told her about me or not...and I really don't care. Except that maybe if she knows she might think twice the next time before she asks a complete stranger another inappropriate question. Maybe I'll drop her a note and apologize for my abruptness with her...and explain. It will probably make her feel stupid, but at least it will save the next woman from her overly personal inquiry.
Who was she?
There are times when I wonder who I used to be. What was I like? How many human beings I breezed on past during my daily life without a thought. Such was the situation yesterday as I stood in the checkout line at the Dollar General.
The pretty young girl in front of me was buying a rug...the kind you put in your kitchen doorway so people can wipe their muddy boots on the cute little apple decorations you've chosen for your "theme." She was quiet and didn't make eye contact with the cashier who took her money and handed her her change. It was her startling lack of human contact that made me really look at the cashier. Much to my surprise, instead of the vacant look I was expecting to see, I caught her wiping away a tear. She was trying to hide it...but she was definitely crying.
I startled the pretty young girl in front of me when I asked the cashier, "Are you ok?" In fact, the pretty young girl looked at me like I had lost my mind and scurried away, out the door to her car, as fast as her little legs would carry her.
It was that simple question...the one that I've been asked so many times...that just opened the flood gates for the cashier and it all came tumbling out. "My three month old baby boy had to go to the hospital." I asked her why and she said he had a temperature of 103.7 that wouldn't come down.
I watched her struggle to maintain some composure...to hide her tears...but she couldn't. Her son was born March 7th, was LifeFlighted to Cleveland, and spent March 7th through the 16th in the intensive care unit of one of the children's hospitals there. Being too personal, I asked why and she told me he had inhaled meconium during delivery and ended up with pneumonia and meningitis. She tried to smile as she said, "I guess that really did a number on me."
As she was making my change, she said she was thinking of going to be with him right that moment. I smiled a little as she handed me my inaccurate change (off by just two cents) and said, "You should, you're not going to be able to concentrate here until you see him with your own eyes and know that he's ok." She closed her register and tearfully said, "I'm going to go talk to the manager right now," as she walked out from behind the checkout counter.
I walked out of the store, got in my empty minivan, and cried for her.
I didn't even catch her name.
The pretty young girl in front of me was buying a rug...the kind you put in your kitchen doorway so people can wipe their muddy boots on the cute little apple decorations you've chosen for your "theme." She was quiet and didn't make eye contact with the cashier who took her money and handed her her change. It was her startling lack of human contact that made me really look at the cashier. Much to my surprise, instead of the vacant look I was expecting to see, I caught her wiping away a tear. She was trying to hide it...but she was definitely crying.
I startled the pretty young girl in front of me when I asked the cashier, "Are you ok?" In fact, the pretty young girl looked at me like I had lost my mind and scurried away, out the door to her car, as fast as her little legs would carry her.
It was that simple question...the one that I've been asked so many times...that just opened the flood gates for the cashier and it all came tumbling out. "My three month old baby boy had to go to the hospital." I asked her why and she said he had a temperature of 103.7 that wouldn't come down.
I watched her struggle to maintain some composure...to hide her tears...but she couldn't. Her son was born March 7th, was LifeFlighted to Cleveland, and spent March 7th through the 16th in the intensive care unit of one of the children's hospitals there. Being too personal, I asked why and she told me he had inhaled meconium during delivery and ended up with pneumonia and meningitis. She tried to smile as she said, "I guess that really did a number on me."
As she was making my change, she said she was thinking of going to be with him right that moment. I smiled a little as she handed me my inaccurate change (off by just two cents) and said, "You should, you're not going to be able to concentrate here until you see him with your own eyes and know that he's ok." She closed her register and tearfully said, "I'm going to go talk to the manager right now," as she walked out from behind the checkout counter.
I walked out of the store, got in my empty minivan, and cried for her.
I didn't even catch her name.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Sunday, June 10, 2007
...and the livin' is easy...
Sam spent Saturday running around the party room at Toys R Us with eleven of his friends. They yelled and laughed and ate and played...smiling all the while. With big smiles on our faces, Steve and I watched our big kid have the time of his life while we reconnected with friends we haven't seen in weeks and other friends we haven't seen in years.
Our friends came home with us and my parents dropped by with my aunt and uncle and some (old) friends of the family I haven't seen in decades (My uncle commented to me that he had been trying to get these particular friends together for some time and it had just never worked out before now. He said he was shocked when it worked out this time). The house was full. We laughed and talked and ate and smiled.
This is what it is about. Spending time with people you love...people you like.
I realized this weekend how unhappy I am on a daily basis because I am surrounded by people I wouldn't necessarily choose as friends or family. That special occasion/birthday party feel is so lovely because it is just about the only time when we get to decide who we will share time and space with...people you love...people you like.
I hope everyone who visited had a decent time with us. We had a lovely time with you all and the kids are all beautiful, wonderful, amazing little people.
And now we realize we have nothing big planned for the rest of the summer. We took a NAP this afternoon and we feel completely sloth-like...guilty. Yeah...this is what it's all about. Let the summer begin.
Oh yeah...and we just played with the doppler and we both totally heard GB's little heartbeat. Unfortunatly, Sam was still asleep and missed it.
Our friends came home with us and my parents dropped by with my aunt and uncle and some (old) friends of the family I haven't seen in decades (My uncle commented to me that he had been trying to get these particular friends together for some time and it had just never worked out before now. He said he was shocked when it worked out this time). The house was full. We laughed and talked and ate and smiled.
This is what it is about. Spending time with people you love...people you like.
I realized this weekend how unhappy I am on a daily basis because I am surrounded by people I wouldn't necessarily choose as friends or family. That special occasion/birthday party feel is so lovely because it is just about the only time when we get to decide who we will share time and space with...people you love...people you like.
I hope everyone who visited had a decent time with us. We had a lovely time with you all and the kids are all beautiful, wonderful, amazing little people.
And now we realize we have nothing big planned for the rest of the summer. We took a NAP this afternoon and we feel completely sloth-like...guilty. Yeah...this is what it's all about. Let the summer begin.
Oh yeah...and we just played with the doppler and we both totally heard GB's little heartbeat. Unfortunatly, Sam was still asleep and missed it.
Friday, June 08, 2007
I need to blog about something big
I guess this borders on political. It's about as "universal" as I get on this blog...
Why...why...why...WHY is it considered OK for a doctor to diagnose ANYTHING over the TELEPHONE?!?!?!
Let me back up here. In case you don't remember, in the weeks leading up to Alex's death, I SAW my OB and my regular doctor in person. They both misdiagnosed my uterine infection as an upper respiratory/sinus infection. I CALLED to complain that the course of treatment (OTC decongestant and tylenol) was not working. I KNEW something was wrong (though I did not know it was related to the pregnancy) and nobody would listen to me. Now I'm pregnant again and, admittedly, I am much more cautious.
But I can not get over the number of women on the internet 'pregnant after loss' message boards who are willing to have their doctor 'reassure' them over the telephone. We're talking women who notice movement changes in their babies. We're talking women who have bleeding. We're talking women who have classic symptoms of gestational diabetes or iron deficiencies or other issues that need management/treatment
And yet, when these women express their feelings, the repeatedly qualify them with, "I don't want to make a fuss over nothing." They call their doctor and when their doctor tells them there is "nothing to worry about," they accept that...without EVER BEING SEEN! As if their doctor has some magical diagnostic ability over the phone lines.
Now I don't want to create mass hysteria...but this is INSANE! In NO other area of medicine (that I am aware of) is it acceptable to diagnose someone over the telephone. So why is it ok during pregnancy? What are we accomplishing by consistently downplaying our fears? by patting women on the head and telling them not to worry (their pretty little heads)?
I'll tell you what we are accomplishing...A great game of Russian roulette...with our babies' lives. The odds MAY be in your favor and you will MOST LIKELY be ok. But MY GOD...why take that chance?!?!
Let me tell you one thing, if you are unlucky enough to get that one bullet right in the temple...you will wonder the exact same thing I am wondering now. And then it will be too late.
But even more interesting is the fact that this is a group of women who are pregnant AFTER LOSS. You would think they would be much more careful...much more demanding...of the medical treatment they receive.
Why...why...why...WHY is it considered OK for a doctor to diagnose ANYTHING over the TELEPHONE?!?!?!
Let me back up here. In case you don't remember, in the weeks leading up to Alex's death, I SAW my OB and my regular doctor in person. They both misdiagnosed my uterine infection as an upper respiratory/sinus infection. I CALLED to complain that the course of treatment (OTC decongestant and tylenol) was not working. I KNEW something was wrong (though I did not know it was related to the pregnancy) and nobody would listen to me. Now I'm pregnant again and, admittedly, I am much more cautious.
But I can not get over the number of women on the internet 'pregnant after loss' message boards who are willing to have their doctor 'reassure' them over the telephone. We're talking women who notice movement changes in their babies. We're talking women who have bleeding. We're talking women who have classic symptoms of gestational diabetes or iron deficiencies or other issues that need management/treatment
And yet, when these women express their feelings, the repeatedly qualify them with, "I don't want to make a fuss over nothing." They call their doctor and when their doctor tells them there is "nothing to worry about," they accept that...without EVER BEING SEEN! As if their doctor has some magical diagnostic ability over the phone lines.
Now I don't want to create mass hysteria...but this is INSANE! In NO other area of medicine (that I am aware of) is it acceptable to diagnose someone over the telephone. So why is it ok during pregnancy? What are we accomplishing by consistently downplaying our fears? by patting women on the head and telling them not to worry (their pretty little heads)?
I'll tell you what we are accomplishing...A great game of Russian roulette...with our babies' lives. The odds MAY be in your favor and you will MOST LIKELY be ok. But MY GOD...why take that chance?!?!
Let me tell you one thing, if you are unlucky enough to get that one bullet right in the temple...you will wonder the exact same thing I am wondering now. And then it will be too late.
But even more interesting is the fact that this is a group of women who are pregnant AFTER LOSS. You would think they would be much more careful...much more demanding...of the medical treatment they receive.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
shhhh...iiiittttt
The dishwasher heard I was thinking of re-doing the kitchen and promptly went on strike. No power...no little green flashing lights...no nothing. And my electrical engineer father couldn't figure out what was wrong with it either. I will, from this point forward, respect the sanctity of the kitchen. Do you hear that refrigerator?
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
140bpm
We had to wait for an hour and a half, but we finally got to see the doc. We joked with Dr. A that if we're going to have to wait that long to see him they should at least leave the ultrasound machine in the room so we could play with it. Much to our surprise, he agreed and told us how to work it if we're ever lucky enough to be left alone in a room with an ultrasound machine (I love that man).
Everything looks good. GB is still alive and still wiggling around. Heartbeat=around 140bpm. I lost 3/10 of a pound, so that's good. There was slight protein in my urine, which the nurse said was ok. My BP was 120/70...right around normal for me.
The poor receptionist almost had a meltdown on her hand when she told me that I may not be able to see Dr. A in two weeks as requested. I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I'm high risk and I won't be seeing any other doctor." She tried to tell me that the next available appointment was July 7th but I wasn't budging. She called nurse Sandy who came out and double-booked me into an appointment in two weeks. :o)
Now maybe I've got another week and a half without any dead baby thoughts or nightmares. I hope so. I'm tired.
Everything looks good. GB is still alive and still wiggling around. Heartbeat=around 140bpm. I lost 3/10 of a pound, so that's good. There was slight protein in my urine, which the nurse said was ok. My BP was 120/70...right around normal for me.
The poor receptionist almost had a meltdown on her hand when she told me that I may not be able to see Dr. A in two weeks as requested. I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I'm high risk and I won't be seeing any other doctor." She tried to tell me that the next available appointment was July 7th but I wasn't budging. She called nurse Sandy who came out and double-booked me into an appointment in two weeks. :o)
Now maybe I've got another week and a half without any dead baby thoughts or nightmares. I hope so. I'm tired.
They just don't say it
Last Friday I had the day off work so that I could attend a seminar on Zoning and Land Use Planning. It was an all day affair at the local Lodge and Conference Center (nice place...if you ever want to come visit, I highly recommend staying at this place if you can afford it).
Anyway...the seminar was over at 3:30 and I left to run some errands before going home. As I was sitting at a red stoplight in town, my cell phone rang.
"Hi Catherine, this is T, why didn't you come to work today?"
I was stunned, since we have to have all of our seminar/conference attendance approved in advance.
"I was at a seminar at the Lodge."
"Oh! (talking to someone else) She was at a seminar at the Lodge!"
(voice in the background) "Oh! Yeah! OK!"
Monday I stayed home so that I could stain the stairs, go to the eye doctor, and meet the plumber about my kitchen sink drainage problem.
When I came back to work on Tuesday, I laughingly told new mommy coworker about the phone call. She said she already knew because on Monday, when she realized I had missed Friday AND Monday, she inquired whether they knew if everything "was ok" with me.
I laughed and said they were all nuts.
She laughed and said, "It's because we care about you...and we worry."
I know some really good people.
Anyway...the seminar was over at 3:30 and I left to run some errands before going home. As I was sitting at a red stoplight in town, my cell phone rang.
"Hi Catherine, this is T, why didn't you come to work today?"
I was stunned, since we have to have all of our seminar/conference attendance approved in advance.
"I was at a seminar at the Lodge."
"Oh! (talking to someone else) She was at a seminar at the Lodge!"
(voice in the background) "Oh! Yeah! OK!"
Monday I stayed home so that I could stain the stairs, go to the eye doctor, and meet the plumber about my kitchen sink drainage problem.
When I came back to work on Tuesday, I laughingly told new mommy coworker about the phone call. She said she already knew because on Monday, when she realized I had missed Friday AND Monday, she inquired whether they knew if everything "was ok" with me.
I laughed and said they were all nuts.
She laughed and said, "It's because we care about you...and we worry."
I know some really good people.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
DBT (Dead Baby Thoughts - may be disturbing)
The baby was coming regardless of the fear. The pain heralded his arrival and no amount of wishful thinking was going to keep him inside. I strained against the power of the contractions, but I knew it was inevitable that he would be born. Steve was there, but nobody else seemed to care. We were alone and trying to survive this one more time. No doctors or nurses...just us.
The baby slid out of me onto the bed. I didn't pass out like when Travis was born. I heard something. I heard Steve gasp. I cried, "Is he dead?" Steve lifted him to my chest and he was alive and looking at me...tiny...so tiny...but alive. I saw in his soul the spirits of Alex and Travis...I saw my own soul looking back at me.
I cradled him to my chest and cried tears I thought I didn't have.
He wiggled against me...very much alive. And I cried even more.
"Please don't die," I whispered.
And then I woke up.
The baby slid out of me onto the bed. I didn't pass out like when Travis was born. I heard something. I heard Steve gasp. I cried, "Is he dead?" Steve lifted him to my chest and he was alive and looking at me...tiny...so tiny...but alive. I saw in his soul the spirits of Alex and Travis...I saw my own soul looking back at me.
I cradled him to my chest and cried tears I thought I didn't have.
He wiggled against me...very much alive. And I cried even more.
"Please don't die," I whispered.
And then I woke up.
$625 later
The plumber came, he saw, he charged me $79 to tell me that he needs to charge me $625 to fix my kitchen sink. In five years, our house has had almost a complete overhaul. The only thing left is the kitchen with the horrible wallpaper that was the first thing I said "had to go." I think I may work on that this summer. It shouldn't cost me any money...right?
Monday, June 04, 2007
There is no privacy anymore
The question was innocent enough for an optometrist to ask, "Are you currently taking any medications?"
Me: "An occasional Zyrtec for seasonal allergies."
(silence while Dr. writes notes)
Me: "Oh, and Lovenox...it's a blood thinner."
Dr.: (quizzical look on face) "What on earth are you on a blood thinner for? Were you getting clots?"
Me: "No...uh...pregnancy...uh...prophylactic dose...uh..."
Dr: "Oh, ok. I've never heard of Lovenox before. If I had to guess, I would have guessed it was an antibiotic of some sort. I'll have to look that one up. So you are pregnant now?"
Me: "Yes...for now."
On to eye exam.
After eye exam, I'm in the frame room choosing my new eyeglass frames when the tech comes in (who I know from work)...
"Catherine! How ARE you? Why are you on Lovenox?"
Good grief! So I had to tell HER too. She was asking because she had her own (non-pregnancy) medical situation recently where she had to take Lovenox and she was genuinely concerned for me (she is a very nice lady).
But still...telling two people in one day...when I still practically choke on the words.
Me: "An occasional Zyrtec for seasonal allergies."
(silence while Dr. writes notes)
Me: "Oh, and Lovenox...it's a blood thinner."
Dr.: (quizzical look on face) "What on earth are you on a blood thinner for? Were you getting clots?"
Me: "No...uh...pregnancy...uh...prophylactic dose...uh..."
Dr: "Oh, ok. I've never heard of Lovenox before. If I had to guess, I would have guessed it was an antibiotic of some sort. I'll have to look that one up. So you are pregnant now?"
Me: "Yes...for now."
On to eye exam.
After eye exam, I'm in the frame room choosing my new eyeglass frames when the tech comes in (who I know from work)...
"Catherine! How ARE you? Why are you on Lovenox?"
Good grief! So I had to tell HER too. She was asking because she had her own (non-pregnancy) medical situation recently where she had to take Lovenox and she was genuinely concerned for me (she is a very nice lady).
But still...telling two people in one day...when I still practically choke on the words.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Miscellaneous Thoughts
A little late for a Friday edition, I know, but I had a seminar on Friday and all my thoughts were temporarily on hold while I learned all about zoning and land use planning in Northeast Ohio.
---------------------------------
I have had a headache since Friday night. It will likely last until Tuesday when the thunderstorms finally pass and bring some cooler temperatures (oh yeah, and my eyes ITCH!). But I am NOT complaining about not being able to take anything.
OK...maybe just a little.
I was supposed to attend a scrapbooking conference in Buffalo yesterday. But the prospect of the drive with the headache made it a no-go. This is the second year I've begged off on a friend who I was supposed to meet there and I feel like a heel for leaving her there without me. I'm sure she still had a good time (I hope she spent entirely too much money).
---------------------------------
The prospect of having company in our construction zone has motivated us to do some work toward making it more like "home." Pictures coming soon...as soon as Blogger allows. For now, let me just say this one word...curtains. ahh...there's a certain music to that sound, isn't there?
---------------------------------
Little is known with respect to melamine toxicity in human subjects. Animal studies have shown that melamine is not metabolized in rats, and is excreted unchanged. (Wikipedia)
Melamine in chicken and hog feed. I think I might try the eat local thing for a while.
---------------------------------
My dear friend's new baby is looking at a heart catheterization. When Steve heard about it, he said it made him angry, but he couldn't figure out why he was feeling anger when he COULD be feeling any number of other emotions. I said that it's because good people shouldn't have to slog through shit...and because he has a good heart and cares about his friends. I love him for that and so many other wonderful qualities of his personality.
---------------------------------
I forgot to record this last weekend...
I went into Babies R Us and even bought something there for a secret sister gift exchange.
And I didn't cry.
---------------------------------
For the first time in the 37-year franchise history, the Cleveland Cavaliers are Eastern Conference Champions and will be playing in the NBA Finals. I know it's not much to people elsewhere. But here in Cleveland, we're still trying to shake that "mistake by the lake" image. And this is a heck of a lot more fun than losing all the time.
---------------------------------
I have had these two images of Steve in my head since dreaming of bringing this baby home alive. The first is him crying while holding Sam for the first time. The tears and the smile. Someone in the delivery room took a picture for me. I love that picture.
The second image that keeps flashing in my head is the image of Steve holding Alex's lifeless body, wrapped in a blanket the exact same way Sam was. The tears. No smile. No picture, but I will never forget it just the same.
God, this one has to turn out to be picture worthy.
---------------------------------
Speaking of pictures...my sister and her husband came to visit last weekend (and were great sports in helping making Sam's birthday a fun one). They have some fabulous pictures from their three week vacation in the Galapagos Islands.
It's funny...they do Galapagos (and are planning Australia as their next big adventure) and we do Thomas the Tank Engine. We couldn't be more different.
---------------------------------
I need to scrounge up some breakfast...
---------------------------------
I have had a headache since Friday night. It will likely last until Tuesday when the thunderstorms finally pass and bring some cooler temperatures (oh yeah, and my eyes ITCH!). But I am NOT complaining about not being able to take anything.
OK...maybe just a little.
I was supposed to attend a scrapbooking conference in Buffalo yesterday. But the prospect of the drive with the headache made it a no-go. This is the second year I've begged off on a friend who I was supposed to meet there and I feel like a heel for leaving her there without me. I'm sure she still had a good time (I hope she spent entirely too much money).
---------------------------------
The prospect of having company in our construction zone has motivated us to do some work toward making it more like "home." Pictures coming soon...as soon as Blogger allows. For now, let me just say this one word...curtains. ahh...there's a certain music to that sound, isn't there?
---------------------------------
Little is known with respect to melamine toxicity in human subjects. Animal studies have shown that melamine is not metabolized in rats, and is excreted unchanged. (Wikipedia)
Melamine in chicken and hog feed. I think I might try the eat local thing for a while.
---------------------------------
My dear friend's new baby is looking at a heart catheterization. When Steve heard about it, he said it made him angry, but he couldn't figure out why he was feeling anger when he COULD be feeling any number of other emotions. I said that it's because good people shouldn't have to slog through shit...and because he has a good heart and cares about his friends. I love him for that and so many other wonderful qualities of his personality.
---------------------------------
I forgot to record this last weekend...
I went into Babies R Us and even bought something there for a secret sister gift exchange.
And I didn't cry.
---------------------------------
For the first time in the 37-year franchise history, the Cleveland Cavaliers are Eastern Conference Champions and will be playing in the NBA Finals. I know it's not much to people elsewhere. But here in Cleveland, we're still trying to shake that "mistake by the lake" image. And this is a heck of a lot more fun than losing all the time.
---------------------------------
I have had these two images of Steve in my head since dreaming of bringing this baby home alive. The first is him crying while holding Sam for the first time. The tears and the smile. Someone in the delivery room took a picture for me. I love that picture.
The second image that keeps flashing in my head is the image of Steve holding Alex's lifeless body, wrapped in a blanket the exact same way Sam was. The tears. No smile. No picture, but I will never forget it just the same.
God, this one has to turn out to be picture worthy.
---------------------------------
Speaking of pictures...my sister and her husband came to visit last weekend (and were great sports in helping making Sam's birthday a fun one). They have some fabulous pictures from their three week vacation in the Galapagos Islands.
It's funny...they do Galapagos (and are planning Australia as their next big adventure) and we do Thomas the Tank Engine. We couldn't be more different.
---------------------------------
I need to scrounge up some breakfast...
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Friday, June 01, 2007
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