Tuesday, June 05, 2007

DBT (Dead Baby Thoughts - may be disturbing)

The baby was coming regardless of the fear. The pain heralded his arrival and no amount of wishful thinking was going to keep him inside. I strained against the power of the contractions, but I knew it was inevitable that he would be born. Steve was there, but nobody else seemed to care. We were alone and trying to survive this one more time. No doctors or nurses...just us.

The baby slid out of me onto the bed. I didn't pass out like when Travis was born. I heard something. I heard Steve gasp. I cried, "Is he dead?" Steve lifted him to my chest and he was alive and looking at me...tiny...so tiny...but alive. I saw in his soul the spirits of Alex and Travis...I saw my own soul looking back at me.

I cradled him to my chest and cried tears I thought I didn't have.

He wiggled against me...very much alive. And I cried even more.

"Please don't die," I whispered.

And then I woke up.

16 comments:

JMB said...

Not disturbing at all-just sounds like you are working through things in your head. Normal pregnant stuff. How we humans process emotions and issues while we sleep is fascinating sometimes.

I won't say that it will all be OK-I can't minimize your fear. I hope that it is reassuring that you can imagine a live birth, and seeing that baby look up at you with light in its eyes. It's something every mother dreams about before a baby comes.

Kellie said...

I'm not going to try to minimize your fear either - because we both know all to well that the fear is real and valid. But, I don't think this is a DBT - not in the "traditional" sense of the term. Your baby was alive in the dream. I would rather believe it's a sign of things to come, not a DBT.

Things are different this time Katherine - that's a very good thing.

Laura said...

(((Catherine))))

AJW5403 said...

I'm sorry I wish you did not have to have these thoughts. ((hugs))

Strong Enough said...

I could never come to understand what you are going through my dear friend, Kate, but know that you are loved. Loved in a BIG way! ~Tracy(strongenough)

Sherri said...

Your writing is so poignant, it cuts right into my heart as I read this. I am focusing on the positive wonderful hopeful part of the dream instead of the fear - that your heart and mind envision this little one alive and well, as we all are.

love you, so much!!

sherri

Aurelia said...

I've had dreams like this, DBTs sort of, and sort of like working out my own wish-fulfillment for a good outcome in my own head.

Kathy McC said...

I think that's actually a good dream...it's your mind preparing you for how you'll feel when your baby comes out very much alive and ready!

Sara said...

Your dream seems so filled with terror and sadness....and HOPE.

The terror is to be expected, especially for a mother who has dealt with the loss of not one, but two much loved, much wanted boys.

Sadness will always be part of everything that surrounds our children, the ones who are here and the ones who are not. Some days the sadness will be a mere pinprick against the sunlight of happiness. Other days it will blot out the sun entirely.

Hope is alive and is something we can cling to as we race toward the light on the darkest of our days.

Treggles said...

Catherine,

You are so brave.

I pray (whatever that means) that all your dreams wil come true. The good bits, of course.

msfitzita said...

(((((((HUGS)))))))))

kari said...

I think and hope that your dream means that for all you've suffered, you'll get your happy ending. I had a dream about breastfeeding my new, beautiful, live baby girl about three months after my daughter was stillborn at 38 weeks. I thought that dream was so, so cruel. I didn't know at the time that I was already pregnant again and that my dream would soon come true.

mopsy said...

More hugs, Catherine.

*Darcie* said...

I really dont have anything to add...just that I am hoping (and in my heart, I think it will happen) that your thoughts/dreams become a reality! You are a strong woman, even on the days that you dont feel strong. Much love being sent your way!

SydneyDawn said...

Catherine, this post shook my whole body to the core and brought tears to my eyes.

I pray for you that you'll get your happy ending.

vixanne wigg said...

Catherine,
Hugs. :( I still read all the time. I'm just scared for you. This pregnancy must be very very hard. I really really really hope for a good outcome.