OK...you win...inflatables aren't THAT bad

I'm ready to cry UNCLE in this holiday crazed corner of Boonieville. There are no Christmas lights to be purchased anywhere in this nutty town. SOLD OUT. I'm going to have to leave the state in order to buy some...like I'm soliciting something illegal or elicit.

Hey buddy, know where I can score any good Christmas lights? And I don't mean giant inflatable decorations...I mean lights man...honest to goodness plain old string of LIGHTS. I'm jonesin' man...come on...help a girl out.

And in other insanity...I have discovered something even more absurd than giant inflatable Christmas decorations...

Giant inflatable Christmas decorations on a TIMER.

At the designated time each morning, Santa, his reindeer, and Frosty, all deflate slowly and end up laying on the lawn like someone mowed them down with an oozie. Seriously, I giggle like a crazy person all the way into work as I drive past these houses with deflated Christmas characters littering their lawns. WHAT are these people thinking? Seriously. I want to know. Energy conservation? How about not getting giant inflatable lawn decorations IN THE FIRST PLACE then? No. Instead you put them on a timer and make me do a double take everytime I THINK I see a vagrant laying on your front lawn. Come on! Do me a favor and just keep Santa and his pals blown up 24/7 (that doesn't sound quite right, does it?).

Fake it until you make it holiday campaign guidelines

~Do away with anything annoying. If the lights don't work, don't try to figure out which bulb needs replaced. Throw them out and buy new.

~Eat as much as you want...but have antacid available.

~Drink as much as you want...but don't drive.

~Send Christmas cards to people you like first...then sending the ones to people you don't like so much will be less painful.

~If you must shop, take a list so that you can get in, get what you need, and get out, before the holiday music makes you grind your teeth down to nothing.

~Bake what YOU like...let everyone else worry about themselves.

~Do NOT sort through any belongings having to do with pregnancy or babies until after the new year...no matter how much you wish them out of your house.

~Hang up lots of Christmas decorations (any that survive guideline #1, that is).

~Smile at everyone. No matter what. If nothing else, they will wonder what it is you're plotting.

~Do NOT ask your husband to help you decorate. Either tell him to do it, or do it yourself. It will save you both the aggravation.

(More to come, I'm sure)

My dear friend...secret confessions of the heart

So Friday was the first time I spent any length of time with a pregnant friend since Travis died. And truth be told, I came up with eleven thousand excuses in my head to get out of having to confront this particular phobia at this particular point in time...what with the success of the "fake it till you make it" holiday campaign.

But I couldn't, in good conscience, turn my back on this particular friend. Maybe it is because I love this particular friend like a sister. Maybe it is because I know that this particular friend has suffered and I can justify good stuff happening to her. Maybe it's because I'm not as angry as I thought I was. Who knows. But I crammed down those potential excuses, took a deep breath, and off I went...

...and I'm glad I did.

And here is where the story takes a startling turn...

There was the standard sadness and pain and jealousy. But there was something else. I want to be pregnant.

Where the hell did that come from?!?!

Seriously, I was shocked and horrified and slightly nauseous as I drove home after the evening was over. I had been so sure I was done and now here I was JEALOUS of my friend. Not jealous in a "I hate you for being happy" kind of way...but in a "I really want what you have and I think I can have it too" kind of way.

A...HOPEFUL way.

Damn it all.

Now what?!?!

Be afraid...be very afraid

-----------------------------------
So today I discovered that there are a couple of places you do not want to be just a few days before Christmas. Toys R Us is one of them. Holy smokes! Those parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles are C-R-A-Z-Y!!! I felt lucky to get out of there alive.
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The bargaining ability of a four-year-old is quite an interesting thing. We went to Toys R Us for one of those Disney Cars TV/DVD combos. Sam wanted to buy a toy. I told him no toys because he was getting the TV. He told me he didn't want the tv anymore and I could put it back! I have obviously failed somewhere in the critical thinking department with this kid.
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Sitting in a newly carpeted bedroom upstairs this morning, I said to Steve, "It's less sad to sit in this room than the old room. I mean, it's still sad, but it's LESS sad."

Steve said, "There's even some hope in this room."

The man gets it!

[I'd say the man gets me, but then I'd have to explain away this morning's coffee-buying episode...which is totally unexplainable.]
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Kmart was out of Christmas lights. OUT. GONE. ZIP. ZILCH. NADA.
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I am writing out Christmas cards.

Two years ago I wrote out Christmas cards that so cutely said, "Love, Cathy & Steve and Sam & Baby #2."

I didn't do Christmas cards last year.

Are we having fun yet?
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My kid loves his new bedroom. Now, I've just got to get him to sleep in it...
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The new electric fireplace with cherry mantel was delivered today. I have no real place to put it until they fix the ceiling in the next room. Speaking of which...

Things that still need done on the house...

~Sam's closet door falls off if you touch it. That needs fixed.
~The guest room needs outlet covers.
~The laundry room still needs baseboards.
~The master suite still needs baseboards, some finish tile work, and all outlet covers.
~The common area needs baseboards and outlet covers.
~The stairs need torn out and rebuilt.
~We need soffets built to hide the pipes that run up to the second floor...namely the pipes in the kitchen and in what is currently our bedroom.
~The back peak still needs vinyl facing.
~One word...gutters.
~The side porch needs insulation and interior walls.

Think it will all be done by Christmas? LOL!
-----------------------------------
I just spent about $80 on three Christmas ornaments.

I.am.not.kidding.

In my defense, they are Make-a-Wish snowflakes and will be personalized with each of our three boys' names.

Yes...It's official...I have lost my mind.
-----------------------------------

Bad humor life lesson

Christmas isn't the time to foster bad feelings.

That's what funerals are for.

1026

I just finished several months worth of work entering 1026 photographers and their contact information into a database for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.

1026 photographers who give their time and talent freely.

1026 photographers who open their hearts to parents who are saying goodbye to a child.

1026 photographers who don't ask for individual recognition but instead quietly represent the spirit of human kindness that this world complains it lacks.

1026 wonderful people.

Home again, home again...slip slide and away

They threw me out of work today. Closed the office and told me to go home. I love living in the snow belt of the Great Lakes! I only wish I would have stayed in bed and not gone in to work in the first place. But a half day off is better than nothing.

Now I'm off to put up some holiday decorations with Steve and Sam (provided I can convince Steve to help me unearth the decorations from the piles of crap in the basement). See ya on the flip side!

It's freezing and snowing

And I felt like my blog should match the frozen tundra around me. I contemplated a Christmas theme...but I'm not quite there yet. So this will have to do.

Dec. 7, 1941

Many of the dead were teenage sailors and Marines away from home for the first time. They died before they had an opportunity to get married, have children, build lives.



Associated Press Story

Never a good sign

Steve is using a screwdriver on my vacuum cleaner.

I sense a new vacuum cleaner in my future.

Miscellaneous thoughts

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I snorted. I handed the cashier my money and said, "I think there's seven dollars there, but you better count it because I'm having a bad morning." And then instead of laughing...I snorted. WTF?!?!
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I'm not THAT person. I have no other way to say it anymore. I think it means that I'm not the person that people expect me to be. I'm still me. I'm not going to make a scene and embarass you. I'm not going to talk incessantly about my dead kids and make you uncomfortable. I'm not going to cry and dissolve into a puddle at the sight of someone else's baby. I'm not THAT person (though I may be the person who snorts at her own jokes now...but I'm as surprised by that as anybody).
------------------------------------------
I bought faucets and sinks first thing when demolition started at the end of August. YESTERDAY (go ahead...do the math...that's three and a half MONTHS later), the contractor tells me my faucet won't work with my sink. I'm beginning to wonder why contractors aren't murdered more often. Justifiable homicide...that's all I'm sayin'.
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I LOVE the smell of the Yankee Candle Mistletoe candle I got at a candle exchange. I want to stick my face in the middle of it and just smell and smell. This may necessitate a trip to a Yankee Candle store, much to the chagrin of my husband. Hey...maybe I can do that while I'm out buying a new freaking faucet! No...I'm not bitter at all. :o)
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I'm not about to jump in front of a bus or anything. I realize this blog makes me sound very sad and pathetic. But (or "burt" as I just typed...I have GOT to cut these fingers nails down), I use this blog as my sounding board. The place to get out all the stuff I can't or won't say elsewhere. I'm actually a pretty "normal" person in real life. Yeah, I've got a few visible emotional scars...but who doesn't? So I deal with life the best way I can. I even laugh on occasion!
------------------------------------------
The flooring in the master suite is officially done done done! We put in the last row of wood laminate last night. It looks fabulous, if I do say so myself. I'm pretty proud of us. Now, if we can just get the contractor crap out of the common areas upstairs, we can do the flooring there too. The bedroom carpet comes Saturday morning. And then, with a little luck and a kick in the pants, the contractor will do our stairs and be DONE with the official renovation part of the project.

Of course, we're going to hire him to do some work in our downstairs now (discounted for the caved in ceiling), so we're not completely in the clear. But I see myself soaking in my jacuzzi tub sometime in the not too distant future. Maybe I will get a New Year's celebratory bath. I mean, really...a new year that starts in a Jacuzzi tub with a glass of wine has GOT to be better than the last two new years...pregnant with no wine. Ooooh...I'm getting all tingly just thinking about it.
------------------------------------------
I may run off with the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Seriously. These cookies where you unwrap the package, pop em in the oven, bake them, take them out, ice them, and put little edible holiday stickers on them...freaking genius! I look like supermom to my kid! I love you Pillsbury! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
------------------------------------------
Speaking of food. I made yummy turkey noodle soup for my lunch today. Guess where it is? Go ahead. Guess. Yep. At home in the refrigerator. I am a dumb ass.
------------------------------------------
Tonight...furniture is moving upstairs.
Thursday night...Browns v. Steelers football!
Friday...helping some friends move their furniture (because we're crazy like that...we just LOVE to move furniture around...here...there...everywhere! Be careful...you might be next).
Saturday...Christmas decorations are going up.
Sunday...sleeping, eating, heavy drinking and football watching.
Sounds like a plan.
------------------------------------------
I have to send my secret pal another package. I had a ton of boxes that would have worked. But I got in a snit and had Steve throw them all away. And of course, this one time, he listened to me. Now I have no box to use. grrrrr! Like I said...I am a dumb ass.
------------------------------------------
How much is too much to spend on wallpaper border for inside a walk-in closet?
------------------------------------------
I think that's all that's swirling around in my brain...for now.
------------------------------------------

Explain this

Why would you sell a bathroom faucet without the handles?

I'm going to need your help here

You know, last year's Christmas sucked. I gave up all hope of even attempting to have a good time and was pleasantly surprised when I actually enjoyed the day. The lead up to Christmas was painful and I did what little I had to do to not feel guilty for cheating Sam. I didn't do Christmas cards. I didn't attend holiday parties. I was not up for playing Secret Santa for anyone. I yelled and (quite literally) swore while we were putting up the Christmas tree. The only reason I put lights on the outside of the house was because I wanted the extra light to see myself up and down the stairs. And then, of course, we conceived Travis shortly after Christmas and I was ready to tackle this year.

Despite the stunning disaster that that conception and the entire year of 2006 turned out to be, I have decided that I will participate fully in Christmas this year. I signed us up for a ride on the Polar Express. I plan put up a tree and smile while I do it. I will decorate the exterior of our newly renovated house (and take picture, of course). I even plan to send out Christmas cards and participate in Secret Santas and other gift exchanges. I will bake yummy holiday goodies. I will attend holiday parties that I am invited to. I will be the personification of the Christmas spirit.

All I'm asking for is a little help. It is taking EVERYTHING I have to plaster a smile on my face without the aid of an alcoholic beverage. It is painful and I really just want to cry. But I am trying.

So when I hang a freaking Christmas decoration up, do not tell me how you, "don't like that sort of thing." Do NOT answer my questions about baking or decorating with an answer that even hints at how much of a chore you think it is. Don't give me a look like you disapprove of my happy attitude (even if we both know it's fake). Don't tell me how tired or sad or stressed you are, because quite frankly, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT!

Let me find a smile in a goofy decoration or a big ugly Christmas tree. Join me while I enjoy the newly fallen snow. Ask to share my holiday cookies instead of talking about calories. Let me have the illusion that it means something to send out a Christmas card to friends to let them know they are loved. Just play your part, ok?

I am going to find joy in this holiday season if it kills me, damn it.

I don't want to have to kill you to do it.

Customer service for crappy products...or...How to get screwed

Dear...

We purchased your Etched Rod Set 28"-48" in Rustic Copper and followed the instructions for installation. We drilled 1/8" pilot holes, as directed, and the screw heads were stripped before the screws were completely installed. We had to use pliers to get the stripped-head screws out of the wood and are now short two screws for installation. We therefore respectfully request replacement screws so that we can install the rod system properly. Thank you.

For future reference, if you instruct 1/8" pilot holes then you should provide stronger screws. If you are going to provide the same screws, you should instruct 9/64" pilot holes.

Please send the replacement screws to:


Thank you for your time and consideration.

-----------------------------------------

Dear Catherine:

We apologize for the inconvenience you have experienced with your Decorative Rod System. Our goal is to provide our customers with the highest quality products and service.

Springs Window Fashions is aware of the issue concerning our screws and instructions and we are currently in the process of having these issues changed.

We have entered an order for the replacement screws you requested. Your order shipped via US Postal Service today and you may expect your order within 3 to 5 business days.

Again, we apologize for any inconvenience.

Sincerely,

Stephanie
Sr. Consumer Hotline Specialist

Two days left to buy tickets!!!

Sammy Hagar and Arlen Ness Create Motorcycle Masterpiece
National Drawing Will Benefit First Candle - Helping to Prevent SIDS and Stillbirth

Red Rocker Sammy Hagar and famed motorcycle icon Arlen Ness are teaming up to raise awareness and funds among motorcycle enthusiasts in support of First Candle, one of the nation’s leading charities dedicated to infant health and survival. A one-of-a-kind motorcycle has been customized by Arlen Ness with original artwork by Sammy Hagar, and will be awarded to the winning ticket holder in a national drawing to benefit First Candle.

“As a father of four children,” says Sammy Hagar, “I would do anything to help prevent the tragedy of SIDS and stillbirth in the United States. It is an honor to help spread awareness about these tragedies in order to save as many babies’ lives as possible.”

‘The Red Rocker Chopper,’ named after ‘Red Rocker’ Sammy Hagar, is valued at $70,000 and will embark on a promotional tour throughout California, Nevada and South Dakota to generate donations and offer tickets for the drawing to motorcycle fans nationwide. The rare bike will make appearances at the Moto Grand Prix (Monterey, CA - July), the Shoreline Sammy Hagar concert (Mountain View, CA – August), Sturgis Bike Rally (South Dakota - August) and other events and locations.

“We are so excited to be working with Sammy Hagar and Arlen Ness on the Red Rocker Chopper event,” says Dr. Marian Sokol, president of First Candle. “The generosity of their support is overwhelming, and we look forward to providing their fans and supporters with an opportunity to win this amazing chopper, while at the same time helping First Candle with our efforts to help babies survive and thrive."

Tickets are available for a suggested donation of $10 per ticket or three for $25. The winning ticket will be drawn on December 9, 2006 at an open-house party to be held at the Arlen Ness World Headquarters in Dublin, California. Winner need not be present to win.

Get your tickets now.

I'm lucky to call you friend

(My entry for the Support a Mom Contest.)

One of the things about losing a baby that is so difficult is that you feel so very alone...as if the world has suddenly turned its back on you and you no longer "fit." Your old life isn't quite right and the new life you're left with is something you really don't want. And then, by some miracle (or the internet), a special kind of person reaches out to you and lets you know that you are not alone...that someone understands. And that someone for me is my friend, Catherine.

Catherine's son, Nicolas, was stillborn in March of 2003. My son, Alex, was stillborn in May of 2005. That sadness that normally relegates grieving mothers to solitude and silent grief is what brought us together. Instead of mourning in private, she showed me the healing to be found in shared tears. And amazingly enough, when I thought I couldn't survive another day of sadness, she helped me find things to smile and laugh about.

Catherine's thoughtfulness knows no limits and her love fills some of that empty space you sometimes worry might remain empty forever. She is the first to offer the comfort of a kind word (or a bag of caramels) when it is needed. She reminds you that life marches on and it's going to drag you along with it (and hell...it's better than the alternative, right?).

Catherine is the kind of person who will send you an envelope of seeds because you tell her you admire her daisies. She sends you pictures of her baby daughter because she knows you need the hope you see reflected in her innocent little face (even if it is covered with chocolate).

She tells you that you're normal...even when you know you're not. She understands...when nobody else can.

Catherine will probably be embarrassed to know that I think of her as an inspiration. But she has turned her story into something beautiful, despite the ugliness of losing Nicolas. She honors her son's memory by making 'comfort' baskets filled with things that will create a lifetime of memories for mothers cheated out of a lifetime with their babies. She knows the pain and sadness, and she is the first to offer a hand to hold along the path of grief...the path toward healing.

She won't tell you to move on, even though she recognizes that you will...eventually. She will be there to help you move on at your own pace...no matter how long it takes. Never judging. Never telling you what you "should" do. Just quietly and gracefully showing you how to smile again.

Catherine was blessed with another child after losing Nicolas. Her name is Chloe and she is...in a word...adorable. She also has an amazing son named Alexander who just turned 14 years old. And now Catherine finds herself pregnant...with twins. While pregnancy is, in and of itself, a difficult thing to deal with, Catherine has the added stress of managing her pregnancy with the knowledge of the worst that can happen and the increased risks that go along with her personal history. But despite her fear, she still manages a smile as she showcases her mid-renovation home on a Victorian Christmas tour, teaches crazy fainting college students, prepares her tulips for the spring, volunteers at a pregnancy center, and illegally photoshops her daughter's picture.

She will never forget Nicolas. But she has made her life about so much more than just her sadness. She shares what she knows so that other women, like me, will know that we're not alone...that she walks this path just a little bit ahead and is willing to look back and offer whatever love and support is necessary so that we can get to where she is.

I know she is tired. Not just from the first trimester flood of hormones, but also from the emotional weight she is carrying with her. Fear is her companion along her pregnancy journey. But she doesn't rail against it...she makes it a cup of tea, makes sure it is comfortable for the long haul, and lets it know she plans to win this battle of wills. Every now and then she has a conversation with fear, but she never lets it get the last word. Not now...and hopefully not ever. According to her ticker, she gets to permanently kick fear to the curb in 217 days. In the meantime, anything that will lighten her load would be truly appreciated.

What happened to my weekend?

I remember when weekends were spent lazing around in pajamas watching television and eating too much junk food. Now? Now weekends are spent rearranging construction crap and laying flooring. Carpet in the hall and walk-in closet...laminate in the bedroom. Or shopping for paint, closet organizers, and rods for hanging clothing. Or carrying heavy closet organizers and dressers up stairs that still need rebuilt.

My hands, legs, and ass hurt.

And I haven't even had a decent cup of coffee!

You can imagine what a treat I am to be around.

We made a trip out to the cemetery to see a wreath laid by Ella's mom and dad. The kindness of people still warms my heart.

Sam spent some time yesterday at a Funtime birthday party. Funtime is apparently a warehouse in which there are huge inflatable slides and bounce houses. He had a great time. And I didn't have to go despite my promise. Steve actually volunteered...so he could have a break from the house. It's really sad if you think about it. The man is so tired of this house that he'd rather spend time watching sugar-fed four-year-olds literally bounce around a room.

I think I'm going to go take some more Advill and curl up in bed. I should do some laundry for work tomorrow, but I think I'll just make do with whatever I can find. Carrying laundry is not real high on my list of things I want to do right now.

Work tomorrow brings with it some rest and some coffee. Bring it on!

More pictures for home reno geeks like me

The golden peach colored painted (unfinished) stairwell, the new hanging light (which I think I actually like), and the cutest boy in the world...

The tub surround is almost finished. It matches the shower tile with a little extra flair in some decorative tile (that Steve won't mind telling you was $3 for each six inch piece...lol).


An attempt at some Christmas decoration on the only surface that didn't have crap piled on it already...



Off to clean so I can get my stairs done and my living room ceiling repaired this coming week!

Give it a day

You know the great thing about grief? It doesn't hang on in a hard unyielding way. It cycles.

And I can officially declare the latest cycle over.

I notice that my cycles tend to flow with the announcements of pregnancy related matters in other women I know. Not their fault...not my fault...just a fact of life. I feel bad for myself for a day or two and then I find a way to move out of it. It is an incredible effort. I won't lie and say it's easy because it's not. Sometimes it doesn't even work and I have to try something else. I hate those days. When fighting my way up out of the darkness is an all-consuming effort. But I do it because I know that there is happiness still to be felt...smiles to smile (I think I'm beginning to sound like a greeting card writer so I will stop).

This time, I deliberately took out a box of cheesey Christmas decorations for the office and set about bringing some holiday cheer to this otherwise dreary place. I didn't hang any of them last year because I just didn't have it in me. This year I'm adopting that "fake it until you make it" philosophy. I might hate every single second of Christmas...then again I might not. But at least I will have the opportunity to escape the grip of grief and sadness for a few minutes here and there. And who knows...maybe grief/sadness/death will grow tired of fighting for my attention and finally leave me alone for good.

Tributes

I have a bitch. What's new, right?

I have a bitch about people who use my sons' MemoryOf websites to pay tribute to their own.

The interactive feature on those sites is nice because it allows my friends and family to leave kind words whenever the mood strikes. It's heartwarming to know that they think of us (sometimes at very odd times of the day and night).

But there is a hidden drawback to the interactive feature of an online tribute page. OTHER people who look specifically for pages of dead children so that they can leave comments about their own dead children.

Now, I understand the need to connect...that's why my email is available on those pages. But why must these people light candles or leave tributes that are more about their own loved ones than the person for whom the page is dedicated. I personally think it's tacky. And rude. Would they go to someone's funeral and only talk about themselves? Ha! I should know better than to ask that...because maybe they would. But really, there must be some sort of online etiquette about this.

[Maybe this is just an extension of my number one pet peeve...talking about yourself too much. If it's your space...your time...you are the focus of attention...fine (like on your own blog...in your own home...at a party for you). If it's someone else's space or time...or someone else should be the focus of attention...then shut the hell up and stop talking about yourself. (I think there was an episode of Friends where they accurately used the phrase, "Stealing someone's thunder.") Seriously. Don't twist every single thing into a story about yourself. Don't talk incessantly about yourself. Don't boast, don't brag, and for the love of Pete, don't tell me how your life is so much worse because this or that happened. It drives me nuts!]

I guess what I wish I could say to those unidentified strangers is this...Don't go onto Travis' website and light a candle about your "little angel so-and-so." While I feel your pain, and I will gladly talk with you via email, this is a place to focus on my little half-baked boy. If you can't do that, then please keep your fingers from typing here.