I tried to post pictures

But Blogger would only allow me this one. So this is the only one I'll post for now.

Sam's Cars border is up along the top. I LIKE it. I think with the other decorations the red paint disaster won't be so noticeable.

And even more importantly, Sam danced around in there and said, "It looks so cool Mom!" Never mind that my baby boy is saying these things and growing up too fast...but I'm thrilled that he likes it.

**No, he's not sleeping in there yet. In fact, he tried to pull out the old, "I might not be able to sleep in here because I might see a monster." I told him all the cars stuff would keep any monsters away. Plus, his Daddy (being the quick-thinking genius he is) told him that Shamus the cat would most likely sleep with him...and maybe one of the dogs too...so he would be perfectly safe. He seemed somewhat convinced....especially when we told him that he could always come to our room as long as he TRIED to sleep in his room. Here's hoping we're not up for too much of a fight.**



The other pictures I have yet to share include the jacuzzi tub progress and the newly installed ceiling light above the stairs (with painted walls even).

This weekend...flooring!

What it's like to be me

I got a great deal on a Christmas gift for my sister during my post-Thanksgiving shopping trip. I was so happy to have the "perfect gift" all set to give her.

So how does my happy story end?

I accidentally threw the "perfect gift" in the trash...and only realized it today when my mom asked me if I had a receipt for something else.

Crap.

Will I ever get it together again? Will my brain ever recover and function in any sort of normal manner? Ever?

I'm fine...no...I'm not fine at all

I have, in a lot of ways, let people off the hook. I turned this blog into a place to air my deepest darkest feelings because I didn't want to inconvenience anyone by having to listen to it. So I have only myself to blame when people want to talk at me instead of listening to me. I see the fear enter their eyes if/when my true feelings come to the forefront. They don't want to hear me...they're afraid that I'll cry...and they certainly don't want me to challenge the beliefs they have about their own lives. So if the subjects aren't avoided completely, I often find myself sitting quietly while someone pontificates on how sad THEY are, how THEY feel about grief/loss, or what THEIR beliefs in God are about. I often hear, "I can't possibly know how you feel but...(here is what I think anyway)."

I have done a good job making everyone else comfortable. I have hidden myself away and made everyone believe that I'm "ok." I've kept the angry and ugly and sad thoughts to myself. I talk about anything and everything but what I'm really thinking. Mostly, I come here and type it out. Mostly, I use this as the window into my head...and I let people choose for themselves if they want to peer in or climb on through. Very few have climbed through. That's no surprise. Given a choice, I'd choose to climb out and run away from this if I could. But the fact is that I stay inside...keep it all inside...and don't force anyone to look at me...to look at all the ugly.

Why? What am I getting from this? My resentment grows. My anger festers. The sadness builds until I unexpectedly spend the drive home sobbing like I did back in those early days...wondering if I'll crash the car because I can't see through the tears...wondering if I care that I might crash the car.

No, I'm not ok.

Maybe I should start telling people that instead of the lies I've been telling.

In the Wiggles' World

November 29, 2006 - 2:41PM

Popular children's entertainers The Wiggles will announce changes to their line-up tomorrow amid growing concerns over the health of Yellow Wiggle Greg Page.

The Wiggles have scheduled a ''major announcement'' in Perth tomorrow ahead of the start of their new national tour.

The announcement relates to ''members of the group'', said Australia's highest-earning entertainers, comprising Page, Jeff Fatt, Anthony Field and Murray Cook.

It follows reports of a mystery illness suffered by Page, 34, who has been undergoing medical examinations since June after experiencing bouts of fainting and lethargy.

Since a double hernia operation in December last year, Page has often been absent from the veteran children's supergroup, handing yellow skivvy-wearing duties to understudy Sam Moran....

The complete article can be read here.

I feel like I felt when Sesame Street's Mr. Hooper died. Of course, Greg hasn't died and could always come back. And I know I'm overly attached to a character on television just because he has been a very fond part of Sam's early childhood. But still...I can't help but feel a bit sad. Like the end of an era has come to pass.

(Thanks for the heads up Clare.)

A coffee maker has been found!

My hunter-gatherer husband has successfully completed his mission to pick up a coffee maker for my office. $14.99 for a $34.99 coffee maker. Good deal. And the caffeine consumption continues without interruption. Dodged a bullet on that one.

***update***
It makes damn good coffee! Good morning!

Not going to be a Christmas Hymn, that's for sure (in which I drop the f-word multiple times)

Steve asked me the other day, "Why is it that Christmas music makes me feel angry?"

Good question. I don't have the answer, but I feel it too. Visceral anger.

Not just at Christmas music either.

I'm angry. No...I'm f***ing angry.

At everyone and everything. But most especially at God.

You've got a plan? Well I think it f***ing sucks.

You took my babies...Or...You let my babies die.

F*** you. I don't have any use for you.

Have faith? F*** you again.

Faith for what? Eternity with a creator who would kill? or turn a blind eye when someone is dying?

I didn't learn any lesson but how to hate you.

I want to thank you for my Samuel. I want to curse you for my Alex and my Travis.

I want to smash all the pretty little things I see at Christmas into a million pieces. Like my heart.

Some plan.

I bet this isn't the kind of prayer you were hoping for.

But you must exist for me to hate you. So that's something...right?

Merry Christmas.

I'm stumped

I simply cannot find a light fixture to hang over my staircase.

So out of desperation, I just bought this one...not sure I like it though.

Wikipedian philosophy lessons

Philosophical paradoxes of prayer

There are a number of philosophical paradoxes involving prayer to an omnipotent God, namely:
* If a person deserves God to give him the thing he prays for, why doesn't God give it to him, even without prayer? And if a person is not deserving of it, then even if that person does pray and request it, should it be given just because of his prayer?
* Is it necessary to pray with speech? Doesn't God know the thoughts of all people?
* If God is all-knowing, then doesn't God already know what we are going to ask for before we pray?
In Christianity, this paradox is acknowledged in the discourse on ostentation, which forms part of the Sermon on the Mount.
* Do human beings actually have the ability to praise an omniscient and omnipotent God? Praising God is difficult to do without describing God, yet how can a person know anything about God's ultimate nature? This question was the subject of heated debate among many religious philosophers; one such debate took place in the 14th century between Gregory Palamas and Barlaam of Calabria.
* The prerequisite of asking for a favour is faith in the recipient of the prayer. But asking to change an aspect of creation seems to be expressing a dissatisfaction with the way things are - and hence not trusting the "plan." This means faithfully asking for divine intervention is a paradox, requiring faith and displaying a lack of faith at the same time.

Many of these questions have been discussed in Jewish, Christian and Muslim writings from the medieval period onward. The 900s to 1200s saw some of the most fertile discussion on these questions, during the period of Neo-Platonic and Neo-Aristotelian philosophy. See Aristotelian view of God. Discussion of these problems never ceased entirely, but they did fall mostly from the public view for several centuries, until The Enlightenment reignited philosophical inquiry into theological issues.

All of these questions have been discussed in many Jewish, Christian and Muslim religious texts. There was much intellectual cross-fertilization between Jews, Christians and Muslims during parts of the middle-ages, and so there is much convergence among some of the rationalist philosophers of that era. Many of these texts offer proposed resolutions to some or all of these paradoxes.

I am having a particularly hard time this holiday season dealing with the prayerful. Those who believe that their lives are blessed because they pray...that you get what you deserve...that God answers prayers...that God provides and protects...you get the idea.

The implicit judgment in all of it makes me want to hit someone (I'm sure some of my more religious friends will have a field day with that one). I'm jealous. I'm sad. And yes, I'm angry. Do they believe the inverse to be true as well? That you don't get blessings if you don't pray? That you get what you deserve (and bad things happen because you deserve them)? That God answers prayers and sometimes his answer is a big old f**** you (and f*** your children)? That God provides bad things deliberately and withholds protection as punishment? That they are somehow more deserving of good things? That they are better than me and my family? Are they right?

Tis the season for guilt and self-doubt. Fa la la la la...la la la la...

But regardless...how do people answer these paradoxical questions about prayer? I am particularly interested in the last one...faith and prayer...how do you reconcile the two? And please don't tell me that people pray for anything other than intervention. Even when it is dressed up all pretty in the guise of, "pray for strength for so-and-so to make it through this difficult time," it requests mystical intervention in the very fiber of that person's character by the mere request. So if you're requesting ANYTHING of God, doesn't that show an inherent lack of faith? Interesting. Very interesting.

I'm also curious as to why and how many different cultures had polytheistic societies on many different continents. These religions were eventually displaced by monotheistic religions in the majority of those cultures. But what of history? Do we ignore the fact that the Native Americans and the Greek and the African cultures ALL worshipped multiple Gods? I find it strange that such a common thread ran around the world. A common truth, perhaps?

(You can apparently find just about anything in Wikipedia! And I apparently have too much time on my hands.)

Long live the coffee maker

The office coffee maker has given up the ghost. Actually, it won't turn off. So for safety sake, I am throwing it in the trash (I guess it is technically a coffee maker mercy killing).

And of course all the good sales are over. *sigh*

Rest in peace little $10 coffee maker from 2003. You had a good run.

Christmas shopping, grief edition

"Two and a half months." She said it with a wide smile. She was, quite literally, glowing over the tiny little one in the baby carrier as she made the introduction to an old friend she obviously had not seen in a while. Two and a half months. My brain took off before I could even consider putting a stop to it...

Two and a half months. September. I wonder if that baby would have been born on the same day as Travis. Sweet little Travis...who only made it to May. How big would he be? He would probably already be out of his infant carrier...not tiny like that baby.

And then there was the mother at the register with three boys. The oldest was probably about four. The middle boy was probably three. And there was the baby in the infant carrier. Three boys. I smiled at the baby.

My mom asked if it still hurt. What could I say?

"Yes. It doesn't just go away or get better."

I've already gone overboard for this Christmas. Why? Because Sam has had another crappy year and I want to spoil him. I don't have to worry about his brothers...shopping for them is easy (and comparatively cheap). And in the back of my mind sits the thought that I won't have to worry about the expense of two in daycare at the same time. Ever.

Two and a half months. Three boys. How much do you spend on Christmas? A simple turn of a phrase and there is no stopping it. It just doesn't go away or get better.

Bah Humbug - Or - I Have Now Seen It All

Yes, in between the giant inflatable Santa Clauses, who appear to be signalling touchdowns, there is a giant inflatable nativity. There is nothing about the Christmas holiday that says faith better than a giant inflatable balloon in your snow covered front lawn, doncha think? Hell, there's nothing that says Christmas more than a giant inflatable penguin/reindeer/who-the-heck-knows-what-else on a giant inflatable merry-go-round...or a giant inflatable Santa hanging in a hammock in between two giant inflatable palm trees...or a giant inflatable snowman family in a giant inflatable snow globe. I mean, that's the stuff that magical holiday memories are made of! No? I'm wondering if this phenomenon has reached everywhere or if this is just a weird new local tradition? I'd really like to think that it's limited to just my redneck area, but I suspect the world has just gone bat-shit crazy(to borrow one of my new favorite phrases from a fellow blogger).

Speaking of strange interpretations of Christmas. Yesterday I saw an outdoor, fully decorated Christmas tree with standard red bows and red and silver ornaments. It was quite lovely. And then I realized it was sporting an American flag on top. Now, I'm no expert in all things Christmas...nor am I an expert in all things Christian...and I'm all for freedom of expression...blah, blah, blah... But I gotta say that I think that interpretation is just plain wrong. The American flag? I think there's something in that old Christmas story about a star or an angel on high or heavenly hosts...or peace. I'm pretty sure there's nothing in there about flag waving patriotism supplanting the magic of Christmas. But I could be wrong...it's been a while since I read it.

I'm trying. I'm really really really trying. But stuff like this makes it damn hard.

It all makes me laugh. Not in a, "that was funny," way...but more in a, "you have got to be kidding me," way.

Or maybe the spirit of Christmas just got lost on her way to my house. If you see her, can you send her the right direction please?

***I do apologize to anyone who may actually HAVE a giant inflatable nativity in their lawn (or any other giant inflatable for that matter). I'm sure they look very nice in YOUR lawn.***

Black Friday

Whoa boy! What a day!

It started off with a fabulous gingerbread latte from Dunkin Donuts.

Sam maintained a good mood while standing in line for AN HOUR at Circuit City.

Steve got an LCD TV and an iPod alarm clock for Christmas.

I got a new camera for Christmas. :o)

Steve and I both agree that the sparkly maternity shirt that says, "I've got the perfect gift," with an arrow pointing to the belly, is tacky even outside of our circumstance.

I left a "Merry Christmas" note on the window of the SUV that almost hit me because the driver couldn't wait five freakin seconds for me to buckle my child into his car seat. (It said, "Merry Christmas. The girl you almost hit." I hope he feels the appropriate Christmas guilt.)

We bought a curtain rod to match the two I bought the other day...and promptly walked out of the store without it.

Sam had a forty-minute temper tantrum until I screamed at him to shut up. Stellar parenting right there.

The laundry room now has vinyl flooring.

Our three old fish and our five new fish are the first residents of our new second floor addition.

I cried as our old and decrepit Aussie ate dinner out of his new raised dog dish...no longer losing his balance and landing with all four legs splayed out like a dog-skin rug.

There was beer with the pizza for dinner.

Steve and Sam are now installing the new TV. I plan to fall asleep while watching it.

New Holiday Tradition

Last year I was up and at Walmart at 8:30. Today I'm striving to beat that record by about an hour and a half. Yes, I'm up...WE'RE up...and we're going shopping! And there is this strange feeling surrounding the whole pending adventure. Something that hasn't visited here for a long while.

I think we're going to...dare I say it...?

Have fun?!?!

There is no sense of pending doom or disaster...no feeling like this is a chore and the holidays are something to just "get through." There is a little guilt lying in there somewhere. Like maybe I haven't given Travis appropriate respect. But I'm going to leave that for another day and go spend some money on some Christmas gifts.

Have fun today wherever you are!

Time to be thankful

I am thankful for...

~My family. Without Steve, Sam, and our menagerie I would be nothing.

~My friends...without whom I would not have survived the past (two) year(s).

~My health. I'm feeling pretty good right now...no bacteria/viruses or broken bones.

~My job. It's not glamorous and it's not going to make me rich...but I like the work and I'm good at it even when I can hardly concentrate.

~My beautiful home...that grows more beautiful with each passing day (they tell me it's only a couple more weeks...yay!).

~Thanksgiving Day parades on TV...a holiday tradition.

~Christmas shopping. I'm not too much into "the true meaning of Christmas" these days. But shopping is always welcome.

There...I did it.

Happy Thanksgiving.

The day that Sam decides he doesn't need his thumbs

I knew by the tone of his voice when he said, "Ouchie...oooh...ouchie..." that something was very wrong. I flew around the back end of the van as fast as my flip flops would carry me. What I saw...his poor little left thumb closed in the closed van door...him pulling trying to get it out. I switched into emergency mode. I'm always good in emergency mode.

I opened the door ever so slightly to release his thumb but make sure not to slide the door back over his hand or any of his other fingers (that thankfully all still remain attached). It was bent, but not at any sort of unnatural angle or anything. He cried and whimpered, "Ouchie...it hurts...it hurts...it hurts." I ushered him into the house, wrapped his thumb in ice, and administered grape flavored tylenol and the Wiggles on television (not sure, but I think the Wiggles was probably the most helpful medicine).

And now, two hours later, I feel it coming...The nervous breakdown.

It's lurking and waiting to take me to that dark place where I am all too painfully aware of the riskiness of life...the potential for bad things to happen to those I love. It's whispering in my ear and telling me to cry. It's settling on my chest and making it difficult to breathe.

Sam's up and eating and seems to be feeling fine. I will not fall apart. I refuse. It's fine. He's fine. That's all that matters.

And he has learned a very valuable lesson. Mom has reasons for why she says, "Be careful," all the time. And Mom is smart when she tells you not to push on the van door from the edges. Mom likes you with your thumbs and she's trying to help you keep them.

And Mom needs you to keep your thumbs...for her own sanity. OK? OK.

Time capsule

Greetings from your past. In the fall of 2005, you agreed to receive this message, which has been preserved for a year in the Forbes.com E-Mail Time Capsule. For more details, visit http://www.forbes.com/capsule

Here is the text of your message:

Steve:

I'm sending this on November 21, 2005...during the worst year of our lives. I wanted to memorialize this year somehow...while letting it go at the same time. Does that make sense?

During this year, we have been at the happiest and the saddest we have ever been. I'm so grateful to you for both. It is always a pleasure to share the happy times with you. To smile and laugh and love as though the world is perfect. And without you, I never would have had Sam or Alex to love. You have given me the greatest gift that anyone could ever have given me. You love me...and I love you and our boys.

But during the darkest hours, I am even more grateful that you are by my side. Without you I could never have made it through losing Alex. You stood by me and held me up when I felt like I was literally going to fall apart. You never uttered a single unkind word. Your unfailing love and support has been an amazing thing to receive. I will never be able to appropriately thank you.

I hope that by the time you receive this email we will have enjoyed more happiness with each other...with Sam...and with another new baby. I hope that we will have grown even stronger together through happiness and not more sadness. I hope that when you read this you are as much in love with me as I am with you today.

I know that the future is uncertain. After this year, I even hesitate to send an email like this...because I know there is always a possibility that either you or I will not even be alive one year from now. But I'm choosing today to live with a little bit of faith.

I look forward to many many years with you and our children. We will always miss our Alex...but I hope that we continue to find happiness in our lives...for however long we have each other and breath in our bodies.

I love you.

I win, I win, I win!

My email to customer service:

Back in August, I ordered and received a tub/shower faucet. My contractor cannot use it in my home addition because it is not anti-scald. Can I return it? If so, what mailing address do I ship it to?
Keep smilin'
Catherine

Customer service reponse:

Hi,

Im sorry, Return and/or exchange of merchandise must take place within 7 days of receipt of product.

My return email:

I understand that is your standard policy. However, it is in an unopened box (still even has the plastic seal on the outside) and I would think that you wouldn't have sold me something that didn't comply with building regulations. Yet, you did. I would expect you to accept return of a part that is, in essence, useless under state law.

Catherine

I win, I win, I win!

Hi,
Please ship it back to us:

Please include the packing slip and the RMA # this will ensure proper credit.

Sometimes people are so kind

A coworker of Steve's gave this to him today. She shopped for us specifically and found this statue of five people interwoven together. In the card she wrote how this is how she thinks of us...Steve, Me, Samuel, Alex, and Travis...one family.


While I don't know her but to say hello in passing, she apparently talks to Steve quite a bit (which finds him alternating between feeling the love and feeling irritated with her intrusion...he's not always in a talkative mood). She really touched both our hearts with this very thoughtful gift.

I am always amazed at the depths of good and bad that are revealed during the darkest times in our lives.

We have progress!

Window trim is up...

Tile is on the bathroom floors...

Tile is in the shower...(isn't it pretty?)

Closet doors are up on the two smaller closets...

And there is actually one bedroom door hung!

Small steps...but we're getting there. Think we'll get it all done by Christmas? I hope so, but I'm doubtful. They've still got to build a staircase, repair the ceilings that caved in, and replace the trim for the doors and windows they installed on the first floor.

Dare I say it? I'm starting to see a light at the end of this tunnel!

Miscellaneous Thoughts

-------------------------------------------
The bank called. I forgot to pay the mortgage this month. I feel like a chastised child. Really. Like I committed some sort of crime. Life happens folks. Paying bills isn't necessarily the most important thing going on. You're just gonna have to deal with that.
-------------------------------------------
An actual sign outside a hotel in town:

God Bless America
Free high speed DSL
Jacuzzi

Steve and I both laughed and laughed.
-------------------------------------------
Memorable quotes from this weekend:

Sam, as he was readying himself to drop his drawers, "Prepare to be amazed."
(I think a lesson in context is necessary sooner rather than later)

Me, as we approach WalMart, "I'm as f***ing ready for Christmas as I'll ever be."
(Real nice, huh?)
-------------------------------------------
My email to customer service:

Back in August, I ordered and received a tub/shower faucet. My contractor cannot use it in my home addition because it is not anti-scald. Can I return it? If so, what mailing address do I ship it to?
Keep smilin'
Catherine

Customer service reponse:

Hi,

Im sorry, Return and/or exchange of merchandise must take place within 7 days of receipt of product.

My return email:

I understand that is your standard policy. However, it is in an unopened box (still even has the plastic seal on the outside) and I would think that you wouldn't have sold me something that didn't comply with building regulations. Yet, you did. I would expect you to accept return of a part that is, in essence, useless under state law.

Catherine

Who do you think will win this little test of wills? Place your bets.
-------------------------------------------
Feeling confident walking out of settlement talks at the courthouse...

Turn around...

Practically smack into the teeniest tiniest beautifullest baby you have ever seen...

Reduced to tears...

Have to run back to the office to cry.
-------------------------------------------
Speaking of court...

Elderly woman lives with her son. He doesn't care for her...leaves feces in her bed, etc. He interferes with care providers...vandalizes their vehicles, steals money from them, verbally assaults them. Two weeks ago, the elderly woman fell and had to push the panic button for an emergency responder...while the son slept in the next room.

We petitioned to have her admitted to a nursing home.

No brainer, right?

According to our judge...Wrong.

She's competent so let's leave her there. It would be too hard on her emotionally to have to leave.

Sometimes I just want to give up.
-------------------------------------------
Where I take a potshot at my husband publicly...

Steve...who left a hole in our pasture fence for over a year...who did not help me at all with tiling the bathroom floor because he had a headache...who broke the porch window and left it broken and held in with duct tape for at least a couple of years...that Steve...is unhappy with the rate of progress on our house. I'm having trouble understanding his double standard.

I'm sure he will have some reasonable rebuttal, like they're getting paid and he isn't, blah, blah, blah. And secretly, I don't disagree with his assessment too much. But I'm so tired of listening to the bitching and moaning about it all.

Aren't I the one that is supposed to be unhappy with the utter disaster my house is currently? And haven't I been accommodating and calm through this whole process...even when my ceiling was caving in? So what gives? Who told him he's allowed to be unhappy? He's a guy...he's not supposed to care about this stuff. I mean really...I sucked it up...so should he. :o)
-------------------------------------------
And then Steve redeemed himself by this email exchange...

Me: This guy emailed again about Rosie Posie.

What do you want to do? It's up to you. But I have to put in my opinion and say that I wouldn't mind keeping her...and I know Rory (our black lab mix who missed Rosie all day when she was out at an adoption event and stood by the window and door waiting for her to return) and Sam feel the same way.

Love you.

Steve: I can't break a four year old's heart, let alone a thrity four year old's heart so she can stay :) I think that once the house is done you will need to work on socializing her with the rest of the dogs to the point where she can just hang with them in peace.

Love you.

See why I love that guy?

***It is important to note that Rosie has been with us for a full year and we have only had a small handful (four) inquiries on her. So we have grown rather attached while waiting. And by all rights she deserves to call our place home (and us her family) after all that time without anyone else to love her.***
-------------------------------------------
I finally gave the contractor permission to go out and buy whatever he needs to complete my bathroom tile. I have no idea what I'm buying. Me in a hardware/home improvement store...It's like sending a man into a knitting store.
-------------------------------------------
I have not been invited to join Blogger Beta. Why? Because I talk too much. Apparently, having too many posts and/or comments disqualifies you from this initial phase of things. I love it!
-------------------------------------------