Wednesday, November 29, 2006

I'm'm not fine at all

I have, in a lot of ways, let people off the hook. I turned this blog into a place to air my deepest darkest feelings because I didn't want to inconvenience anyone by having to listen to it. So I have only myself to blame when people want to talk at me instead of listening to me. I see the fear enter their eyes if/when my true feelings come to the forefront. They don't want to hear me...they're afraid that I'll cry...and they certainly don't want me to challenge the beliefs they have about their own lives. So if the subjects aren't avoided completely, I often find myself sitting quietly while someone pontificates on how sad THEY are, how THEY feel about grief/loss, or what THEIR beliefs in God are about. I often hear, "I can't possibly know how you feel but...(here is what I think anyway)."

I have done a good job making everyone else comfortable. I have hidden myself away and made everyone believe that I'm "ok." I've kept the angry and ugly and sad thoughts to myself. I talk about anything and everything but what I'm really thinking. Mostly, I come here and type it out. Mostly, I use this as the window into my head...and I let people choose for themselves if they want to peer in or climb on through. Very few have climbed through. That's no surprise. Given a choice, I'd choose to climb out and run away from this if I could. But the fact is that I stay inside...keep it all inside...and don't force anyone to look at look at all the ugly.

Why? What am I getting from this? My resentment grows. My anger festers. The sadness builds until I unexpectedly spend the drive home sobbing like I did back in those early days...wondering if I'll crash the car because I can't see through the tears...wondering if I care that I might crash the car.

No, I'm not ok.

Maybe I should start telling people that instead of the lies I've been telling.


Megan said...

Kate, you don't have to be ok. Let it all out. I always read, but rarely know what to say. So I say nothing :( I often wonder what's worse, saying the wrong thing, or nothing at all. But please know I'll always listen!

Holley said...

You aren't okay.

You don't have to be okay.

And you should tell people that you aren't okay.

And if someone, like me, another reader, your family, co-workers, random person, begins to pontificate, you should tell us how you feel.

R said...

If you could tell the world how you felt, every day, unedited, what would you say? (Start with today)

DD said...

Which is worse: telling it as it is and knowing people will avoid/ignore you; or keeping it in and losing yourself in the process.

Some days, it's really hard to chose.

But sometimes it takes telling your family and friends to find out who really is family and who really is a friend.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I'm too afraid to speak the truth out loud. I don't like some of my feelings and thoughts and saying them outloud to someone makes them more real... makes me afraid of the meltdowns I'd have to have in front of every person to whom I explained why i'm not ok.

but i think that trying to tell a few more people in real life some of the dark thoughts may help me... although i haven't really started yet. and some of it is so 'not nice' that i am afraid they will turn around and run. it's scary to take that leap because you don't know where you'll land.

Anonymous said...

For me, as if you asked my opinion, it's a catch 22. If I was honest about how I felt I got speech after speech on how I needed to "give it to God." And at the time (though I believed He still existed) I was screaming at God, "what the fuck do you want from me?" I didn't want His plan.

I remember the dark night (the day before I got a positive test with Dorothy) when the last woman in our age group on BOTH sides of the family announced her pregnancy. That woman was my sister. And I did not react well. I yelled, not at her, just to the air. I said, "that's just like God, to allow me to watch everyone in my life have babies except for me." I wished her more luck than I had. I went home and cried, screaming and hitting the steering wheel. She miscarried a week later (I was glad I called and talked to her the next morning to apologize). So did my sister-in-law. For the 4th time. They have since decided to stop with the 2 living children that they have now. My sister did get pregnant again 3 months later.

Whenever I had moments where I did let my feelings out, something happened that almost without fail happens in the church. People preached. People told me about how other people handled things. "look at her faith. You need to be content with what you have. The only thing we're told to wait for is the return of Christ." Tell me how that is supposed to help a grieving mother. What is she supposed to do when people say things like, "when you're a mom, you'll understand?"

But when I kept it in (I flipped out while David was at work-- sometimes even stroming through the house while he was there) I felt so alone. I didn't know where to turn. I didn't feel like God was there. I had been through a lot of things in my life. Through everything I had never felt like God was not there until I lost my child. I still don't know what to do with those feelings, with the fear that even though Dorothy got here safe the rest of my children will die. Or suffer from being born too early.

Either way it sucks.
Talking or not talking. I got mad at people who did both, honestly. I don't have any advice about what to do, but sometimes it just has to come out. And maybe there will be some understanding from people in your life. There were several people that did help and and just let me talk through things. Without piping in with what I SHOULD do. People like that are priceless.

deadbabymama said...

Maybe there isn't an all-or-nothing answer. Maybe at some stages you really need to let it out in person and in real time, and maybe at other times ranting here is enough. I don't know. It's hard. It's even difficult to know what you need, to know what is honest, and then you have to worry about what is fair and appropriate too...that's a lot of pressure.

Anonymous said...

I think everyone who has lost a baby feels the exact same way. I do. I want to talk about it, but I don't want to talk about. I don't want to upset people. I don't want to get upset.

It all comes out when I'm alone - like when I'm driving home from work or feeding our son at 2 am.

I do wonder if when people ask how I'm doing if they really want to hear the truth.

Bon said...

no, you're not okay.

your post broke my heart. i remembered the sound of my own voice shouting to an empty room "i'm not okay! i'm not okay!" and hearing the echo and really wondering what the hell i'd do next. where i could go from here. i am so sorry you're there.

it's good that you're not okay, in a terrible way. it shows you're not brain-dead. or heart-dead, or however you choose to work out the mind/body/soul thing in your own belief structure....

it's not your job to be okay right now.

sounds like a lot of the people around you may not be doing their jobs in terms of helping you. and it shouldn't be your job to make them stand up and face their own fears...but probably they won't unless you do.

my only advice...if you have someone you really really trust, start letting it out. the fury, the hurt. start. because it's okay. and you deserve a little taking care of.

and we're out here listening, even if we're the only outlet. we care if you crash the car.

take good care.

V said...

I really think you need to find someone to speak to in person, not necessarily someone very close to you. Maybe a grief counsellor? I don't know if you've been down that road or not or if it helped. I found that it did help me a little to speak to someone who could listen and guide me through my thoughts and not judge or try to bring religion into it. Maybe letting it out here will be enough but it seems to me like you are ready to explode and I worry about you, even though we have never met.

Regarding a previous post about religion, I have been going through similar thought patterns. 'What did I do that was so bad as to deserve this?' For that matter what did my son do to deserve to lose his baby sister? It is ok for me to think about all this stuff but my son is in a christian school so he comes home with questions about God and Jesus and I really have problems answering him because I don't know what to believe anymore. What do you say to Sam?

Thinking of you and sending you strength from far away. While I have a bit of strength to spare anyway.

Anonymous said...

Yes, i think you should tell...maybe not wholly/completely if you don't feel comfortable with that (i say that because i never would) -- but playing ok when you are *not* is extremely tiring...

Windfall Woman said...

I'm thinking of you Catherine. Bless your heart. I wish there was something I could do to help. You're very brave.

Mel said...

You know what.. I think any good friend.. KNOWS.. you are not ok.

I often come here and read.. and I don't comment because I don't know what to say. The friend in me wants to take your pain away. I know I can't do words I can say could change anything.. but not coming here.. not reading your words.. well.. thats leaving you alone with your pain..not something I am willing to do..So I read.. cry a bit..laugh a bit...

No matter what you say or how you say it..I won't be climbing out..