Steve asked me the other day, "Why is it that Christmas music makes me feel angry?"
Good question. I don't have the answer, but I feel it too. Visceral anger.
Not just at Christmas music either.
I'm angry. No...I'm f***ing angry.
At everyone and everything. But most especially at God.
You've got a plan? Well I think it f***ing sucks.
You took my babies...Or...You let my babies die.
F*** you. I don't have any use for you.
Have faith? F*** you again.
Faith for what? Eternity with a creator who would kill? or turn a blind eye when someone is dying?
I didn't learn any lesson but how to hate you.
I want to thank you for my Samuel. I want to curse you for my Alex and my Travis.
I want to smash all the pretty little things I see at Christmas into a million pieces. Like my heart.
Some plan.
I bet this isn't the kind of prayer you were hoping for.
But you must exist for me to hate you. So that's something...right?
Merry Christmas.
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5 comments:
the first thing that popped in my head after reading that was 'maybe he/she exists TO give you someone to hate.' i say that, but i'm clueless if there even is a god or if we're just someone's equivalent of an ant farm.
hugs to you kate. your boys are still on my mind everyday.
I too have issues at this time of year Kate. I spent so much time praying for our first little one...only to lose that baby and three more. Why? I was strong in my faith at that time...what did I do so wrong?
I haven't been back to church or picked up a bible since.
I understand and want you to know that you aren't alone. You are just better at voicing it than I am.
I love you Kate and I am always here for you.
As a prayer, it sounds pretty much right on to me...
I will say that everything that you are feeling is ok. It is normal for us to question why things happen and if there is a God why does he allow it to happen. I have done the same thing many times over the last two years.
I think the problem is when we stay in that angry place. We let the anger run our life. There comes a point where we have to say "No there is no God. And the universe or Karma or whatever is in control." Or we say "yes there is a God and even though this world really sucks at times He is still good. He never said this would be easy, but he did say he would be there to comfort us if we seeked it out."
I will add that I am a Christian and in my own life I decided that I had to seek God after my two m/c or I felt like I went through all of that pain for nothing. That I didn't change as a person except being angry and sad. But God could take it all and make it good some how. I may not see all of it, but I have to believe that it is true or I don't think I would be able to make it day to day.
For you I really hope you can find peace. Whether it be believing God and letting Him comfort you or not believing.
I have been reading your posts for awhile now, and want to comment, but never know what to say.
All I can think of is to tell you that I'm hurting for you and WITH you. I know what it is to lose a much loved baby. It has shaken my world in ways I didn't think possible.
Sending what little comfort I have received your way,
Brooke
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