Don't touch me

I feel it sidling up to me...

The red in my underwear mocks me for all my failings and I want to lay down and weep on the floor of the bathroom.

whispering in my ear...

My coworker is back from maternity leave with tales of her non-sleeping baby.

slipping an arm around my shoulders...

My other coworker asks me how much water you're supposed to drink before an ultrasound.

drawing me close...

I go back through my blog archives as though I'm massaging an scar on my flesh that still aches when the weather is just right.

waiting for me to break down...

Last year I would have closed my office door and let the tears come.

but I am stronger now...

I hope to find distraction in other things.

I think I can plug the holes and dam the tide for now...

I mess up the RSVP details on one of Sam's 7th birthday party invitations when my mind wanders to what kind of flowers I should plant at the cemetery this year.

I don't want to cry...I've wasted enough time on that sort of nonsense...

There are friends who send supportive emails and I hope they understand that I just can't answer right now.

they're gone and they're never coming back...

Keep moving.

I hate this...
I hate this...
I hate this...
I hate this...

Happy Birthday to my Dad!

I often do shout-outs to my Mom because I know she reads here occasionally. But it seems Dad doesn't get nearly the mention Mom does. I think today is a perfect opportunity (albeit late in the day) to rectify my oversight.

Today is my Dad's birthday. Help me with some birthday wishes, will ya?

Happy Birthday Dad! We love you!

Are you kidding me?!?!

Sam's t-ball coach from last year is an assistant coach this year. He and his wife have four beautiful kids...three boys and one girl. They are lovely people and we really like them (we really should invite them over to dinner or something...but with four kids, they rarely have any free time).

Anyway...

At the first baseball game of the season, while sitting innocently in the stands minding my own business, I overheard someone ask how old the daughter was.

She'll be four on May 11th.

F*** you too, universe!

I guess that'll teach me to eavesdrop.

#18 way to change the world

The mission of Dress for Success is to promote the economic independence of disadvantaged women by providing professional attire, a network of support and the career development tools to help women thrive in work and in life.

Something I only recently learned about Dress for Success...

To meet the need for services that would help women both find and keep jobs, we established the Professional Women's Group (PWG) program, which offers women ongoing support as they successfully transition into the workforce, build thriving careers and prosper in the mainstream workplace. Once a woman joins the PWG she is a member for life, able to attend meetings at any affiliate throughout the world, and can benefit from additional employment retention and mentoring programs.

Dress for Success also has developed Career Center, an initiative that promotes confidence and professionalism by providing women career guidance, the chance to acquire technology skills and assistance in their job searches.

Another way in which Dress for Success supports women joining or returning to the workforce is through Steps to Success, an initiative that focuses on the crucial first 30 days of employment, during which newly-hired women face many potential challenges. Made possible by the generosity of the National Endowment for Financial Education, the Steps to Success: A Guide to Success in the Workplace publication helps women prepare for their new jobs, identifies barriers they might encounter during their first days, encourages them to plan for their futures and highlights resources that can assist them during this transition, including the Professional Women's Group.

Support Dress for Success

Miscellaneous thoughts

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The Fisher Price Stride to Ride Walker I bought Sam in 2002 was discontinued in 2006 and is now considered collectible. WTF?!?!

I just need some replacement balls for the darn thing (the dog ate ours). I'm afraid ping pong balls will be too small.
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Congratulations to Shutter Sisters for winning the Dream Photography Assignment contest. Hope IS more than wishful thinking.
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It's a simple thing really...squirt some Windex on the windows and wipe. So why am I the only one who seems able to do it? Do I live with idiots? (Don't answer that.)
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For anyone who wonders what celebrities and Twitter are good for...look at this.

And on Twitter...Hugh Jackman took "favorite charity" suggestions and as a result is donating $50,000 to Charity:Water and $50,000 to Operation of Hope.

Twitter...it's good for something more than just wasting time.
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Sam woke up with an enthusiastic, "It's May first!" and bounded out of bed to go play. Yes...it's May first. In a week it will be May eighth. And then a few days after that...May eleventh. I rolled over and went back to sleep.
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Dear MSN...I do not want to look at closeups of people's teeth while reading my emails. Please remove these ads or I may have to change to a different free email service. Thank you!
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Filed under "Things I never thought I'd say"...
"Sam, why is the dining room table tied up?"
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Busy weekend planned.

Friday...day off with Sam to clean the house and play video games, not necessarily in that order. Maybe a dinner date with the hubster. Must get some birthday and grocery shopping in here somewhere as well.

Saturday...baseball game then home to clean and cook for a Lia Sophia party. I use the term party loosely, as I think about four other people are planning to attend...and one of them is my mom.

Sunday...I'm off to the Maple Festival to sell raffle tickets for the Friends of Womensafe quilt raffle. Then watch the parade with the family at 3pm. Afterwards, I believe we're headed to my parent's house to have an early birthday dinner for my dad (his birthday is the 4th).

See ya on the flip side!
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And the winners of the candles are...
Black Orchid ~ robin_titan
Sparkling Amber~ Catherine

Robin...email me with your snail mail address and I will get them out to you ASAP. Catherine...I've got yours already.

Thanks to everyone who reads/comments/supports my sorry a$$ when I need it.

I think I'm going to do more giveaways. This was fun!
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My first giveaway!

***edited to add deadline of Friday @ noon!***

I'm in the mood to share. Though I've never done one here before, I want to do a giveaway. You won't mind will you? It's cheesy...but so what?!?!

So let's see...what do I have to give away...? I know! Yummy smelling candles!

6 Partylite votive candles - Sparkling Amber scent (retired)

This romantic fragrance combines exotic amber with hints of cedar, spices, and vanilla.

and

6 Partylite votive candles - Black Orchid scent

Exotic and luxurious, this new scent takes its inspiration from the rare and beautiful Black Orchid flower. The result is an alluring, enticing fragrance with a rich floral flavor.

They are both heavier perfume scents. Lovely...just not my style.

Candles come in original boxes. The boxes were opened just to smell the candles...the candles are brand spanking new.

What do ya think? Anyone interested? If so, leave a comment on this post indicating which scent you are interested in. I will randomly select winners for each scent using my super-secret selection process (slips of paper in a hat).

This is fun!

But it's for charity

The hat's too big for the sweater size.
The sweater is too simple and boring.
The color and style say neither "boy" or "girl."
But it's for charity.

The yarn was impossible to work with and I wanted to throw the whole thing out the window on more than one occasion.
But I didn't because it's for charity.

The yarn was purchased for Travis.
But now it's for charity.

I want to keep it and I can't wait to get it out of my house...all at the same time.

I still have some yarn left from the skein and I don't think I'll be able to do anything else with it...even if it's for charity.

Frugal Friday

Walgreens #1

3 12-packs of soda
Spent $11.69
Saved $3.54
Received $5 register reward
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Walgreens #2

Edge Shave gel
2 cans Pringles
3 movie theater boxes of candy

Spent $1.79
Saved $7.65
Received $3 register reward
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Rite Aid

Claritin 10Ct+5

Spent $9.78
Saved $16.50
Will receive $5 rebate
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CVS

Crest mouthwash
Edge Shave gel
Children's Claritin 10Ct
Clearance Easter candy (2 dozen mini cadbury eggs, peeps bunnies)

Spent $17.67
Saved $17.99
Received $7.89 ECB
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Giant Eagle (groceries)

Spent $57.71
Saved $15.67
Received 2 free movie passes
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CVS

School folder
CVS brand children's acetamenophin
2 snack packages of cashews

Spent $0.56
Saved $7.00
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Vacation Fund Update $486.63
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Interesting conversations (real and imagined)

Me: "I wrote that memo on the Z petition. If you could take a quick look at it, I'd appreciate it because it has to get on the agenda soon."

Boss: "I'm leaving for vacation tonight and won't be back until Monday. Why does this stuff always come up like this?"

Me: "Lisa's been out with her mom and stuff has kind of piled up while you were in your murder trial."

What I was REALLY thinking..."Because you take countless vacations...people actually joke about it...you don't keep any of us updated as to your vacation schedule...and...well...this is your JOB?"
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Please help your child find pictures of two items in a magazine, newspaper, or catalog that each cost less than one dollar.

Yeah...right. Do you actually LIVE in that alternate universe of a school or do you visit the real world every now and again?

BTW...Kleenex and discounted plastic easter eggs. Thank you CVS and Joanns.
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Sam: "Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know."

Me: (Thinking how I'd REALLY like to smack that smart alec little face off.)
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Sam: "Uncle Matt said I was invited over to his house..."

Me: "Uh...actually...I think you invited yourself over to his house."
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Coroner: "Well, I just wanted to call you and tell you my side of things, because I don't think it's right."

Me: "I don't worry about sides, I worry about what's legal. I will research this issue and let you know what the law says. Thanks for calling."
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Baby screaming/screeching. Sam crying. Me finding receipts crammed into the checkbook and not entered into the register.

(phone rings)

Me: "What?!?!"

Mom: "Uh...hi?"
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#17 way to change the world

The KAT 5 Animal Rescue Auction.

KAT 5 is named after Hurricane Katrina ("KAT" for Katrina), and category 5 storms, symbolizing any disaster. KAT 5 Animal Rescue intervenes to protect animals when a natural or man-made disaster strikes.

Miscellaneous thoughts

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She's on maternity leave and yet stops into the office now and again to do a little work and, I suspect, get a mental break from the monotony of staying home with the baby. She stops in each co-worker's office to chat a little bit about the baby. Except she seems to pass right by my office. Despite having a toddler at home myself, I only get a "hi." It's weird, because she was fine talking pregnancy stuff with me. I wonder what it is about me...
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Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium...is a fabulous movie!

I remember when it came out and Wendy's or McDonald's was handing out movie themed toys in their kid's meals. Sam got three or four inflatable blimps. I remember this because it was right at the time Myles was born and Sam came to the hospital with one of those blimps and I took a picture of him trying to blow it up. Isn't it funny the silly little things we can remember sometimes?

I didn't have the time or the inclination to see the movie at that time. And I probably wouldn't have liked it much then either. Maybe some of my magic is coming back. I really really hope so.
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Me: Why are you yelling like a maniac?

Sam: Because I want to make sure you hear me...I usually mutter.
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I can't look at black and white photos of babies without thinking of NILMDTS.org. While I love that the service exists...I hate that it has warped the photographic stylings in my brain.
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I hate it when I accidentally publish something before it's done. grrr!
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Susan Boyle. If you don't know the name, look her up on YouTube.

I am disturbed by something I heard on the local radio station this morning regarding her though. "Are we so fascinated with this woman talent because she's not what we would traditionally label as beautiful?" My gut reaction was, "yes...we are that collectively shallow."
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Really, really, really want to get some gardening done. So, naturally, I wake up with a stiff/sore neck and shoulder/back. Irritating. Think I'll load up on Motrin and work it out anyway.
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The baby has learned to screech. Earplugs anyone?
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#16 way to change the world

Knitting the World's Longest Scarf

Join in the fun of knitting the World's Longest Scarf while helping raise money to fight poverty around the world.

As part of the celebration of the International Year of Natural Fibres, Keep the Fleece in partnership with Heifer International is helping to organize teams around the world to knit sections of the World's Longest Scarf that will all be joined together at the New York Sheep & Wool Festival Oct. 17-18, 2009.

Our goal is to raise $250,000.00 that Heifer Intenational will use to donate fleece-bearing animals of all kinds to needy families all around the world. Heifer not only donates the animals, but provides the necessary training so that the families can nurture and grow their herds and become self-sufficient. (For more information about Heifer, please visit their website, www.heifer.org.

We ask everyone who participates to consider a donation of $1.00 per row knitted/crocheted or $10.00 per inch woven/felted. Keep the Fleece will collect the donations from the teams and pass it on to Heifer.

To get started, follow the links in the menu on the left, and if you have any questions, just click on "Contact Us."

Happy scarfing!

Frugal Friday

After a couple weeks off, the cupboards were pretty bare around here. And Easter dinner necessitated the first trip to Giant Eagle...So I'm a bit over budget this week. But not too bad...and we are stocked up on toothpaste for a while now.
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Giant Eagle #1
3 2-liters Diet Coke
6-pack Yoplait kids yogurt
2 containers strawberries
6 bakery cupcakes (big splurge)
Sugar free Cool Whip

Spent $15.71
Saved $4.67
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CVS
Colgate toothpaste
144-count Huggies wipes refill
2 12-rolls Charmin basic t.p.
2 16-count Always ultra
Playtex tampons
3 Dawn
1 2-pack Crest
big bag Whopper Robins eggs (splurge)

Spent $30.12
Saved $32.24
Received $2 ECB back
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Walgreens
4 Tuf paper towels
Softsoap body wash
1 Folgers french vanilla
1 Oust
6 Garnier Fructis (2 shampoo, 1 conditioner, 2 hairspray, 1 mousse)

Spent $26.85
Saved $12.99
Received $10 and $1 rebates back
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Giant Eagle #2
2 Yoplait gogurt
2 Uncrustables
Van de Kamps fish sticks
2 Hot pockets
Giant Eagle waffles
Gortons salmon
Hot pepperoni
3 Birdseye steamfresh vegetables
2 Pillsbury refrig. pizza crust
2 Sargento shredded mozzarella
Cheese slices
Hillshire Farms Kielbasa
3lbs ground beef
Bob Evans link sausage
Musselman apple butter
Nutrigrain cereal bars
2 boxes poptarts
Rigatoni noodles
2 cake mixes
2 easy mac
2 Chef Michaels dog food
2 cans Chef Boyardee
Spaghetti sauce
Can sloppy joe mix
2 jars pizza sauce
Jelly
Vitamin water (freebie w/coupon)
4 boxes Rice A Roni
2 6-pack applesauce
2 bags 8 o'clock coffee beans
3 Crystal Light
2 Kotex tampons
Eatsmart veggie crisps
Pretzels
Hamburger buns
Light white bread
Dozen eggs
3 pears
Dozen red apples
Bananas
6 Hershey's peanut butter eggs (easter clearance)

Spent $126.32
Saved $51.45
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Giant Eagle #3

Spent $22.66
Saved $2.02
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Thank you Cynthia!

My dear friend Cynthia sent me this lovely "just because" care package. It made me cry it was so lovely. You see, I was up all by myself early on Saturday morning, enjoying a quiet cup of coffee, when I heard the postal carrier drop this lovely box on my side porch. When I opened it, I couldn't help but think of how I first came to know Cynthia. Out of all the awfulness that was 2005 and 2006, the beginning of our friendship stands out as a true blessing. Her kindness (then and now) is inspiring.

#15 way to change the world

Donate to Laura's March of Dimes March for Babies effort...in memory of baby Hans.

It's America's favorite walking event! When you walk, you give hope to the families of babies born too soon or sick. The money you raise supports programs in your community that help moms have healthy, full-term pregnancies. And it funds research to find answers to the serious problems that threaten our babies. We've been walking since 1970 and have raised an incredible $1.8 billion to benefit all babies.

Welcome to the world Baby Liberty!!!

My brother's fiancee was scheduled for a c-section on Thursday but I got a text message from him at 3:45am this morning that said, "OK, so she's coming now I guess."

With bleary eyes and barely functioning fingers, I texted back, "How exciting! Give S our love and call if you need/want anything."

His response cracked me up..."S does not share your enthusiasm."

Yeah...this is the not-so-fun part for her...but it'll be worth it.

Update as I was typing this...

"It's a girl!!! 7lbs 19"long."

Miscellaneous thoughts - Monday edition

I'm drooling over this...

Isn't it GORGEOUS?!?!
Little Homestead in the City
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Drama seems to follow our little family everywhere. Sam's Little League coach has decided it's not worth the hassle to coach in our league this year (drama with a member of the Board of Directors). He might be able to coach in another local league, but at this point, given the level of difficulty already involved in what should be an EASY activity, I'm doubtful it will happen. Sam's said that if he can't play for Coach Kevin then he doesn't want to play. I'm so glad these idiots are teaching my son such tough life lessons at six years old. Sam had the most insightful comment about it. He said, "Mom...I really wish some adults would just...act like adults!" Out of the mouths of babes.
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Fantasy baseball season is starting! Steve and I have separate teams this year. My goal...just to finish better than his team, The Galactic Senate. Wish me luck!
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I was gone to my first year of college for a couple months when I returned home to see my high school's fall play. Still knowing quite a few of the people in the classes behind mine, I wanted to support my friends. I couldn't even tell you what the show was now, but I remember this one moment following the curtain call when I approached the stage, as was custom, to hug and congratulate the cast and crew. A good friend, B, saw me, jumped down from the stage, and wrapped his arms around me in what was, quite possibly, the best hug I've ever felt. I still remember that hug. I still remember the shock at liking that hug so much. In that brief moment I realized I need people...maybe too much. A couple short months at college and I was literally like a junkie going through withdrawal...for people...MY people...people who knew me and loved me. In that moment I knew that despite what I put out there for everyone to see, I would never be able to survive without intimacy (not necessarily sexual). Yeah, the hard and crusty gal's world was rocked by a simple hug.

Unprovoked by any one incident, I've realized lately that I am feeling that same desperation. Not for a simple hug. Not for anything so easy to diagnose and treat. I miss having a connection with someone that involves more than conversations about poop and/or puke, household chores, and paying bills. I miss that feeling of knowing someone...enjoying their company...enjoying a shared (fun) existence. I miss surprises. I miss being able to just DO something without feeling the stress I imagine comes with the logistical planning for the invasion of a small country (seriously...how is it so complicated to get little people OUT of the D@MN house?!?!). Hell, I miss having the energy to really DO anything. Remember staying up all night and still participating in life the next day? without needing a nap?

And for reasons obvious within my own personal storyline, I miss myself. Though I'm not entirely sure if my internal absence is a result of circumstance or if I deliberately killed that other me bit by bit as some sort of unconscious desire to pay penance for my sins...perceived or real.

I'm tired and frustrated in a lot of areas right now and I don't know what to do about it. It seems wrong to complain about it. It seems wrong to even feel it. But I haven't worn a red dress in so long that I'm not sure that girl ever really existed in me.

Maybe this is what a midlife crisis feels like?

I KNOW this falls into the category of problems some women would love to have and I apologize if you've heard it before and think it enormously self-centered and stupid.
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We hadn't been to a bookstore in a while before Saturday night. Come to think of it, our custom was always to ditch the kid(s) and go wander the shelves by ourselves. In fact, Steve and I wouldn't even really see each other too much while in the bookstore. Talk about a couple of romantics, huh?

Saturday night we discovered how much fun it can be to wander a bookstore WITH the kids. Myles was pretty content to be carried around in the sling...my little observer. He loved the little listening stations in the CD area. And of course, Sam went completely insane with the I-wants and gimmes. Did you know that easy readers are only like $4 each? He got three. Yes, I'm a pushover.

It was fun. And while it cost us a few bucks, I think it's something we'll probably do again.
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No word on the job situation. The only thing I can do at this point is keep working and sending out resumes just in case. This stinks. It really really stinks.
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Posting has been a little slow around here because...well...I've been insanely busy. And because it's "that time of year," I will probably not slow down anytime soon. I need to distract myself...stay busy...avoid the dark emotional pit I feel opening up under my feet.
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Book review from a deadbabymama

OK...Twilight was light and fun. The next two were easy reads as well. But after eleven hours (split up between last night and this morning/afternoon), I just wish I hadn't picked up New Moon at the bookstore.

I don't want to spoil it for anyone. But if you're like me and at all sensitive about the dead baby thing...the complex feelings surrounding pregnancy and loss and motherhood...you may want to steer clear of the last book in the series.

There. Consider yourself warned.

Oh...and the Nora Roberts Pagan Stone trilogy...just...don't. Not unless you have some kind of superhuman emotional strength (which I clearly do not).

Damn books.

Coupons!

Thanks to Donna at eco*noME for the 100 coupon giveaway! I missed a couple weeks of newspapers due to being sick and now I can fill out some of the deals I've wanted! Thank you so much!

Frugal Friday

Giant Eagle

Spent $80.84
Saved $14.90

Walgreens

Spent $31.09
Saved $29.99