Monday, April 06, 2009

Miscellaneous thoughts - Monday edition

I'm drooling over this...

Isn't it GORGEOUS?!?!
Little Homestead in the City
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Drama seems to follow our little family everywhere. Sam's Little League coach has decided it's not worth the hassle to coach in our league this year (drama with a member of the Board of Directors). He might be able to coach in another local league, but at this point, given the level of difficulty already involved in what should be an EASY activity, I'm doubtful it will happen. Sam's said that if he can't play for Coach Kevin then he doesn't want to play. I'm so glad these idiots are teaching my son such tough life lessons at six years old. Sam had the most insightful comment about it. He said, "Mom...I really wish some adults would just...act like adults!" Out of the mouths of babes.
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Fantasy baseball season is starting! Steve and I have separate teams this year. My goal...just to finish better than his team, The Galactic Senate. Wish me luck!
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I was gone to my first year of college for a couple months when I returned home to see my high school's fall play. Still knowing quite a few of the people in the classes behind mine, I wanted to support my friends. I couldn't even tell you what the show was now, but I remember this one moment following the curtain call when I approached the stage, as was custom, to hug and congratulate the cast and crew. A good friend, B, saw me, jumped down from the stage, and wrapped his arms around me in what was, quite possibly, the best hug I've ever felt. I still remember that hug. I still remember the shock at liking that hug so much. In that brief moment I realized I need people...maybe too much. A couple short months at college and I was literally like a junkie going through withdrawal...for people...MY people...people who knew me and loved me. In that moment I knew that despite what I put out there for everyone to see, I would never be able to survive without intimacy (not necessarily sexual). Yeah, the hard and crusty gal's world was rocked by a simple hug.

Unprovoked by any one incident, I've realized lately that I am feeling that same desperation. Not for a simple hug. Not for anything so easy to diagnose and treat. I miss having a connection with someone that involves more than conversations about poop and/or puke, household chores, and paying bills. I miss that feeling of knowing someone...enjoying their company...enjoying a shared (fun) existence. I miss surprises. I miss being able to just DO something without feeling the stress I imagine comes with the logistical planning for the invasion of a small country (seriously...how is it so complicated to get little people OUT of the D@MN house?!?!). Hell, I miss having the energy to really DO anything. Remember staying up all night and still participating in life the next day? without needing a nap?

And for reasons obvious within my own personal storyline, I miss myself. Though I'm not entirely sure if my internal absence is a result of circumstance or if I deliberately killed that other me bit by bit as some sort of unconscious desire to pay penance for my sins...perceived or real.

I'm tired and frustrated in a lot of areas right now and I don't know what to do about it. It seems wrong to complain about it. It seems wrong to even feel it. But I haven't worn a red dress in so long that I'm not sure that girl ever really existed in me.

Maybe this is what a midlife crisis feels like?

I KNOW this falls into the category of problems some women would love to have and I apologize if you've heard it before and think it enormously self-centered and stupid.
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We hadn't been to a bookstore in a while before Saturday night. Come to think of it, our custom was always to ditch the kid(s) and go wander the shelves by ourselves. In fact, Steve and I wouldn't even really see each other too much while in the bookstore. Talk about a couple of romantics, huh?

Saturday night we discovered how much fun it can be to wander a bookstore WITH the kids. Myles was pretty content to be carried around in the sling...my little observer. He loved the little listening stations in the CD area. And of course, Sam went completely insane with the I-wants and gimmes. Did you know that easy readers are only like $4 each? He got three. Yes, I'm a pushover.

It was fun. And while it cost us a few bucks, I think it's something we'll probably do again.
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No word on the job situation. The only thing I can do at this point is keep working and sending out resumes just in case. This stinks. It really really stinks.
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Posting has been a little slow around here because...well...I've been insanely busy. And because it's "that time of year," I will probably not slow down anytime soon. I need to distract myself...stay busy...avoid the dark emotional pit I feel opening up under my feet.
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1 comment:

Holley said...

Re the midlife crisis: I think it comes from realizing that you are not where all your hopes and dreams led you. Or maybe that is just me.

No one ever really dreams about the horrible things that have happened, and when we're young and idealistic, we don't realize what all the compromises life hands us will lead to.

I'm babbling, but I wanted you to know that I can relate because I can't remember the last time I wore a red dress either and I feel a bit trapped because I'm just not where I thought I'd be at this point. Most of where I'm trapped is good: husband, kids. But some of it stinks: Job that is too much for one person and can't voluntarily change because the health insurance is too important; desperately needing a new house in a bad lending market; no time for just giddy fun and socializing.

And absolutely no time for crazy trips cross country to see Aussie bands....

Some time soon, we will get together and do something fun I swear.

(and my word verification word is "sners")