Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Don't touch me

I feel it sidling up to me...

The red in my underwear mocks me for all my failings and I want to lay down and weep on the floor of the bathroom.

whispering in my ear...

My coworker is back from maternity leave with tales of her non-sleeping baby.

slipping an arm around my shoulders...

My other coworker asks me how much water you're supposed to drink before an ultrasound.

drawing me close...

I go back through my blog archives as though I'm massaging an scar on my flesh that still aches when the weather is just right.

waiting for me to break down...

Last year I would have closed my office door and let the tears come.

but I am stronger now...

I hope to find distraction in other things.

I think I can plug the holes and dam the tide for now...

I mess up the RSVP details on one of Sam's 7th birthday party invitations when my mind wanders to what kind of flowers I should plant at the cemetery this year.

I don't want to cry...I've wasted enough time on that sort of nonsense...

There are friends who send supportive emails and I hope they understand that I just can't answer right now.

they're gone and they're never coming back...

Keep moving.

I hate this...
I hate this...
I hate this...
I hate this...

14 comments:

Jelly-Filled said...

(((((((hugs))))))

Kendra's mom said...

Thinking of you over the next few days.

{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}

msfitzita said...

I'm thinking of you so very much right now and sending lots of love and gentle hugs your way.

MB said...

I know that May isn't the month you want it to be. But, to me, May will always be your family's month... Hugs, Friend.

Bon said...

the mix of it is always strange...all the normal literacies and day to day made poignant triggers.

thinking of you guys.

Julie said...

I hate this too. (((hugs)))

Pipsylou said...

This is the most beautiful thing you've ever written.

Pipsylou said...

p.s. The beauty I find in it is not because the topic is beautiful, but because it is so honest. YOU are so honest.

And I will be eternally grateful to you for that, friend.

Jillian said...

I'm thinking of you and Travis today, Catherine. (((hugs)))

marcia said...

I so wish I could do more, Catherine...but, please, just know that I care! You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers, these days of May!

Hedda said...

The thing that bothers me the most is when people say you should be over "it" by now. They never say what it is. It's just not that easy.

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

They will always be with you in your heart.

kate said...

Thinking of you so much these days.

There is nothing wrong with crying, it does not make you weak, you know.

I will not be around, as i am leaving for my mom's, but i am thinking of Travis today and Alex on the 11th. Sending you much love.

Michele said...

sending hugs and love...

DD said...

Something was creeping up on my heart, too, this week.

It sucks.