Just a little freakout...ok...a bit more than a little freakout.
I just don't FEEL pregnant. If it weren't for my sore breasts (sorry if that's too much information), I wouldn't even think I am pregnant.
Have I been so successful in my denial that this is the result? Or maybe I'm not pregnant? Maybe I wished it away? I feel like crying, so maybe I am pregnant (and hormonal)?
The pregnancy calendar says I've officially entered the second trimester. But maybe I haven't really.
Oh holy hell...now I know how insane this is going to make me.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Religion and Politics
My grandpa always told me not to discuss religion and politics with friends because people have such strong feelings about both topics that you're likely to lose a friend or two following a discussion of either. Well...since I've long since blown past the religion issue here on this blog (and I'm sure pissed more than one person off with it), I figure it can't hurt to tackle politics. But not just any politics. Politics that involves an acquaintance...a good person...someone I admire.
Here is the story.
I read the Court of Appeals opinion and I just don't know what to say. My colleague thinks perhaps there are some politics at work here.
Some things I find particularly disturbing...
1. You don't need a time stamp to file with the Board of Elections in Cuyahoga County. Apparently, it would be acceptable for me to just walk in and drop something on the counter to be considered filed.
2. If there is no controlling authority on a point of law, do not expect the Court of Appeals to make any original decisions/interpretations.
3. As a woman, you can give up the right to use your own maiden name...even if the majority of official documents used in your life include your maiden name.
4. The Board of Elections can give out mistaken instructions regarding filings, and you are responsible for the resulting circumstances. So presumably, the Board of Elections (an an employee of such) could LIE to a candidate they don't like and then seek to penalize the candidate by denying them voting/election rights.
5. The Court of Appeals can decide what your actual name is...you have to convince them you know better (I know...this is a bit over the top as a complaint...but I'm irritated).
Here is the story.
I read the Court of Appeals opinion and I just don't know what to say. My colleague thinks perhaps there are some politics at work here.
Some things I find particularly disturbing...
1. You don't need a time stamp to file with the Board of Elections in Cuyahoga County. Apparently, it would be acceptable for me to just walk in and drop something on the counter to be considered filed.
2. If there is no controlling authority on a point of law, do not expect the Court of Appeals to make any original decisions/interpretations.
3. As a woman, you can give up the right to use your own maiden name...even if the majority of official documents used in your life include your maiden name.
4. The Board of Elections can give out mistaken instructions regarding filings, and you are responsible for the resulting circumstances. So presumably, the Board of Elections (an an employee of such) could LIE to a candidate they don't like and then seek to penalize the candidate by denying them voting/election rights.
5. The Court of Appeals can decide what your actual name is...you have to convince them you know better (I know...this is a bit over the top as a complaint...but I'm irritated).
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Time to move on
There will be no lawsuit over Alex's death. The expert the attorneys consulted wasn't willing to testify on our behalf for a variety of reasons. He is plaintiff oriented, so if he's not willing to help, there is no hope of finding someone who would be willing. As is said about lawyers, doctors protect their own. And despite what several medical professionals have told us in the context of our medical treatment, we would not find many clamoring to testify in a courtroom.
So that is that. I am at peace with it. I never really wanted to sue...I just wanted to know if I should sue. Does that make sense?
Anyway...it's time to move on with our lives and look forward as much as possible.
Onward and upward and all that jazz.
So that is that. I am at peace with it. I never really wanted to sue...I just wanted to know if I should sue. Does that make sense?
Anyway...it's time to move on with our lives and look forward as much as possible.
Onward and upward and all that jazz.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Interesting
Thanks M!
Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com |
Holding my breath
It's funny how I don't even realize I'm waiting for the bad things to happen until there is some momentary relief and I'm able to let go of the breath I've been holding and relax a bit.
My mom called a couple nights ago. I didn't answer the phone because we'd just spent all day shopping and I was sitting in bed with my swollen feet up on a pillow, knowing I could never race to find and answer my cell phone in time. My dear sweet husband tried...but the depths of my purse delayed his valiant attempt. Anyway...
Mom called to tell me that my grandmother, her mom, had fallen and possibly broken her shoulder. My grandma is 80+ years old. Don't ask me an exact age because I don't know it (and I'm not sure anyone else does either, to tell the truth). She has been deteriorating physically for the last couple of decades, partly because she is 80+ years old and partly because she lives on a diet that consists mostly of cheesy puffs and coffee. But her physical health has taken a much more serious turn for the worse during the last year or two. She is...in a word...frail. And this frightens me.
This is a woman who could not sit still to save her life. We would always joke that we needed to invite her to visit when our rooms needed cleaned because she would come and, like a tornado, clean the entire house until is sparkled. Of course, we wouldn't be able to find anything for a month or more because she always developed a new system for putting things away every single time. I remember one time she even made fast work of my Dad's tool bench and garage. Oh boy! The muttering went on for what seemed like forever.
My grandma taught me how to ride a bike out on the dusty dirt road beside her house. She taught me how not to drown...though I was completely beyond the ability to actually learn how to swim. She taught me how to cook her favorite meals, which were usually very large...she was, after all, a survivor of the depression and food was a way to express love. No matter what time we arrived at her house for our yearly Christmas visit, she would have ham and turkey and all the trimmings ready for a feast. She taught me all her gardening secrets for a veggie garden full of yummy stuff. She hauled heavy branches into a pile for a bonfire after a big storm would shake them off the trees in her yard. She took us fishing with grandpa and showed us how even girls could touch a gross fish. She always slipped us a couple dollars when she thought nobody was watching...not realizing grandpa was doing the same in the next room.
Grandma has always been mentally ill, though not officially diagnosed because her fear of doctors prevents her from seeing them on anything more than the truly exceptional occasion (she had a hernia literally bulging out of her abdomen before she would see a doctor...and even then we had to threaten her with physical force if she didn't go). She has always had delusions that make it very difficult to relate to her emotionally. You just never knew when she was going to trip out and start telling you how she helped invent the Lego and then got screwed out of her share of the resulting fortune. So we were always on our guard, even when I was a little girl, not quite sure how close to get emotionally.
But she is my grandma, and as I've gotten older I've come to appreciate every little thing about her that makes her the person she is. It's been difficult to handle her emotionally. And as she ages, her dementia seems to get worse. She did manage a doctor visit recently where she was cleared of the dreaded Alzheimers. She's just old...and her mind is failing. But I've had a lifetime to prepare for that. What has been truly startling is her physically decline. The woman we joked would outlive us all, now appears as though she could break into pieces if you hug her too hard.
Mom called again last night. I was almost asleep, but Steve knew I wanted any updates. Grandma doesn't have a broken shoulder...just a hairline fracture of the Humerous (the large, upper bone of the arm). Just a hairline fracture. Just...I nearly cried. At her age, just a hairline fracture is a big deal...but it's less of a big deal than a broken shoulder. Breathe.
Some days I really wish I could go back to those summer days, floating in grandma's pool...or riding that little red two-wheeler bike down that dusty road with grandma shouting encouragement from behind. I know that some day I'm going to have to say goodbye. But I'm just not ready. Not just yet. Not today. Tomorrow I'll go back to holding my breath.
My mom called a couple nights ago. I didn't answer the phone because we'd just spent all day shopping and I was sitting in bed with my swollen feet up on a pillow, knowing I could never race to find and answer my cell phone in time. My dear sweet husband tried...but the depths of my purse delayed his valiant attempt. Anyway...
Mom called to tell me that my grandmother, her mom, had fallen and possibly broken her shoulder. My grandma is 80+ years old. Don't ask me an exact age because I don't know it (and I'm not sure anyone else does either, to tell the truth). She has been deteriorating physically for the last couple of decades, partly because she is 80+ years old and partly because she lives on a diet that consists mostly of cheesy puffs and coffee. But her physical health has taken a much more serious turn for the worse during the last year or two. She is...in a word...frail. And this frightens me.
This is a woman who could not sit still to save her life. We would always joke that we needed to invite her to visit when our rooms needed cleaned because she would come and, like a tornado, clean the entire house until is sparkled. Of course, we wouldn't be able to find anything for a month or more because she always developed a new system for putting things away every single time. I remember one time she even made fast work of my Dad's tool bench and garage. Oh boy! The muttering went on for what seemed like forever.
My grandma taught me how to ride a bike out on the dusty dirt road beside her house. She taught me how not to drown...though I was completely beyond the ability to actually learn how to swim. She taught me how to cook her favorite meals, which were usually very large...she was, after all, a survivor of the depression and food was a way to express love. No matter what time we arrived at her house for our yearly Christmas visit, she would have ham and turkey and all the trimmings ready for a feast. She taught me all her gardening secrets for a veggie garden full of yummy stuff. She hauled heavy branches into a pile for a bonfire after a big storm would shake them off the trees in her yard. She took us fishing with grandpa and showed us how even girls could touch a gross fish. She always slipped us a couple dollars when she thought nobody was watching...not realizing grandpa was doing the same in the next room.
Grandma has always been mentally ill, though not officially diagnosed because her fear of doctors prevents her from seeing them on anything more than the truly exceptional occasion (she had a hernia literally bulging out of her abdomen before she would see a doctor...and even then we had to threaten her with physical force if she didn't go). She has always had delusions that make it very difficult to relate to her emotionally. You just never knew when she was going to trip out and start telling you how she helped invent the Lego and then got screwed out of her share of the resulting fortune. So we were always on our guard, even when I was a little girl, not quite sure how close to get emotionally.
But she is my grandma, and as I've gotten older I've come to appreciate every little thing about her that makes her the person she is. It's been difficult to handle her emotionally. And as she ages, her dementia seems to get worse. She did manage a doctor visit recently where she was cleared of the dreaded Alzheimers. She's just old...and her mind is failing. But I've had a lifetime to prepare for that. What has been truly startling is her physically decline. The woman we joked would outlive us all, now appears as though she could break into pieces if you hug her too hard.
Mom called again last night. I was almost asleep, but Steve knew I wanted any updates. Grandma doesn't have a broken shoulder...just a hairline fracture of the Humerous (the large, upper bone of the arm). Just a hairline fracture. Just...I nearly cried. At her age, just a hairline fracture is a big deal...but it's less of a big deal than a broken shoulder. Breathe.
Some days I really wish I could go back to those summer days, floating in grandma's pool...or riding that little red two-wheeler bike down that dusty road with grandma shouting encouragement from behind. I know that some day I'm going to have to say goodbye. But I'm just not ready. Not just yet. Not today. Tomorrow I'll go back to holding my breath.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Shakin' it off
Been in a funk the last few days and I'm working really hard to shake it off. But first I need to get some things out of my head...
I've been asking religious questions the past year or so...because I want some answers. It is not, nor has it ever been helpful, for people to tell me the following:
1. You're just not appreciating the good things...counting your blessings...fully enough.
2. You shouldn't worry about what other people have and you don't. Alternative to this one is that your suffering is nothing compared to others' suffering. (I'm not really sure how the two coexist, but they seem to.)
3. You should read your Bible and pray. or...you just need to have faith.
I'm sure there are more, but these are the key ones that really bug me.
I have fully counted my blessings. I appreciate them more than you could ever know. But you see, I'm hung up on this one point...my son is dead and buried in the ground. That doesn't mean I don't love my living son with all of my being...it just means that I mourn for what Alex lost. I don't give a rat's ass what other people have that I don't...all I grieve is what we lost...my family, our community, the world. Does it bother me that other people have happiness? No. But it does remind me of what is missing in my life. I don't want what THEY have...I want what WE had.
Telling someone who is lost in a forest that they should have brought a map is NOT helpful, and it is similar to telling someone to just pray or have faith. Good grief, do you really think these questions come up out of the blue and are given no thought at all? Because I don't understand your version of God, I'm somehow ignorant and/or stupid? I ask the questions in the hope that I will find some guidance. I'm not looking for exasperated sighs and eye rolls. I have read the Bible. Aside from the beautiful stories and the long-winded family trees, I have found very little "truth" there. You could lock me in a room with nothing but a Bible for a hundred days and my son would still be dead and I still would not understand.
Now, I have my suspicions as to why people throw these pat phrases out there. First and foremost, people don't want doubt to touch them. Just as people shy away from you when you experience death, people shy away from anything that causes question of their belief system. Even if they never internalize the questions themselves, they are uncomfortable even having an association (however loose) with any form of doubt. Maybe they are worried that perhaps God will hear and punish them? I don't know. But I have found that people, when asked enough questions about their religious beliefs, will become almost defensive and throw one of the above comments my direction (and the number of acceptable questions seems to vary by the individual).
I find that I lump people into two groups I can respect...those that simply believe (and admit that they don't know why)...and those that will try to answer your questions (no matter how long it takes and how many times they have to repeat themselves). There are very few people in these two groups. The majority of people that I have run into fall into the middle/third group...the group that gives up on you. It's almost as if they say, "You're never going to 'get it,' so why bother trying?"
There are certain things that are not helpful when dealing with someone who is grieving...and they're not well known (but really should be). I truly feel there are similarly things that are not helpful to say to someone who is having a crisis of faith. And there are things that cross both lines (Hey...It's not at all helpful to tell someone who has lost a child that they aren't really suffering...if only they will see it from an eternal perspective instead of an earthly one).
Why are so many afraid to examine what they believe and share it with others? Why does the sharing seem limited to only the crowd that already "gets it?" Doesn't that seem a little redundant? Isn't your faith worthy of examination and scrutiny? question and doubt? Or is it a point system where you only get to heaven if you never ask a question?
My fortune cookie for today said, "Keep a green tree in your heart, and one day the singing bird will come."
I'm still looking for books. I've started reading The Buddhist Handbook, and it is really quite interesting. I'm only at the very beginning, so I have no insight as of yet...but the history that has been presented makes me identify with the Buddha already. A search for truth...a search for something.
There...it's all out of my system and I'm ready to go out and enjoy this sunshine...maybe hunt up some chocolate for my afternoon snack. My son is still dead and I still don't have any answers...but I have sunshine and chocolate. See? I count my blessings all the time!
I've been asking religious questions the past year or so...because I want some answers. It is not, nor has it ever been helpful, for people to tell me the following:
1. You're just not appreciating the good things...counting your blessings...fully enough.
2. You shouldn't worry about what other people have and you don't. Alternative to this one is that your suffering is nothing compared to others' suffering. (I'm not really sure how the two coexist, but they seem to.)
3. You should read your Bible and pray. or...you just need to have faith.
I'm sure there are more, but these are the key ones that really bug me.
I have fully counted my blessings. I appreciate them more than you could ever know. But you see, I'm hung up on this one point...my son is dead and buried in the ground. That doesn't mean I don't love my living son with all of my being...it just means that I mourn for what Alex lost. I don't give a rat's ass what other people have that I don't...all I grieve is what we lost...my family, our community, the world. Does it bother me that other people have happiness? No. But it does remind me of what is missing in my life. I don't want what THEY have...I want what WE had.
Telling someone who is lost in a forest that they should have brought a map is NOT helpful, and it is similar to telling someone to just pray or have faith. Good grief, do you really think these questions come up out of the blue and are given no thought at all? Because I don't understand your version of God, I'm somehow ignorant and/or stupid? I ask the questions in the hope that I will find some guidance. I'm not looking for exasperated sighs and eye rolls. I have read the Bible. Aside from the beautiful stories and the long-winded family trees, I have found very little "truth" there. You could lock me in a room with nothing but a Bible for a hundred days and my son would still be dead and I still would not understand.
Now, I have my suspicions as to why people throw these pat phrases out there. First and foremost, people don't want doubt to touch them. Just as people shy away from you when you experience death, people shy away from anything that causes question of their belief system. Even if they never internalize the questions themselves, they are uncomfortable even having an association (however loose) with any form of doubt. Maybe they are worried that perhaps God will hear and punish them? I don't know. But I have found that people, when asked enough questions about their religious beliefs, will become almost defensive and throw one of the above comments my direction (and the number of acceptable questions seems to vary by the individual).
I find that I lump people into two groups I can respect...those that simply believe (and admit that they don't know why)...and those that will try to answer your questions (no matter how long it takes and how many times they have to repeat themselves). There are very few people in these two groups. The majority of people that I have run into fall into the middle/third group...the group that gives up on you. It's almost as if they say, "You're never going to 'get it,' so why bother trying?"
There are certain things that are not helpful when dealing with someone who is grieving...and they're not well known (but really should be). I truly feel there are similarly things that are not helpful to say to someone who is having a crisis of faith. And there are things that cross both lines (Hey...It's not at all helpful to tell someone who has lost a child that they aren't really suffering...if only they will see it from an eternal perspective instead of an earthly one).
Why are so many afraid to examine what they believe and share it with others? Why does the sharing seem limited to only the crowd that already "gets it?" Doesn't that seem a little redundant? Isn't your faith worthy of examination and scrutiny? question and doubt? Or is it a point system where you only get to heaven if you never ask a question?
My fortune cookie for today said, "Keep a green tree in your heart, and one day the singing bird will come."
I'm still looking for books. I've started reading The Buddhist Handbook, and it is really quite interesting. I'm only at the very beginning, so I have no insight as of yet...but the history that has been presented makes me identify with the Buddha already. A search for truth...a search for something.
There...it's all out of my system and I'm ready to go out and enjoy this sunshine...maybe hunt up some chocolate for my afternoon snack. My son is still dead and I still don't have any answers...but I have sunshine and chocolate. See? I count my blessings all the time!
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Party pooper
Someone asked if I'd started planning Sam's fourth birthday party when it hit me...
I should be planning two birthday parties.
I should be complaining about having two children with birthdays too close together to do them both justice in the party department.
I should be saying things like, "I'm waiting to plan Sam's birthday until after I see how Alex's goes."
I should be printing up cute little invitations that fit in with a theme suitable for a first birthday, but not repeating the Tigger theme I used for Sam.
I should be thinking about guest lists and menus and cakes.
I should be weighing whether to have just family, or just friends, or some combination of both.
I should be worrying about how much money two birthday celebrations is going to cost us.
I should...I should...I should...
I should be planning two birthday parties.
I should be complaining about having two children with birthdays too close together to do them both justice in the party department.
I should be saying things like, "I'm waiting to plan Sam's birthday until after I see how Alex's goes."
I should be printing up cute little invitations that fit in with a theme suitable for a first birthday, but not repeating the Tigger theme I used for Sam.
I should be thinking about guest lists and menus and cakes.
I should be weighing whether to have just family, or just friends, or some combination of both.
I should be worrying about how much money two birthday celebrations is going to cost us.
I should...I should...I should...
Friday, March 24, 2006
Slightly disturbing
I went on the first leg of my quest to learn about world religions yesterday. It was just a brief trip to the Waldenbooks' religion section. Problem was...all the books were about Christianity.
Help!
And suggestions on good books that will give me religious perspectives OTHER than Christianity? I'm looking for a kind of, "this is what we believe and why." A little historical perspective would also be welcome.
I did pick up the two CS Lewis books that have been recommended to me. The Problem of Pain and A Grief Observed. I was surprised to find that they are thin little books...for tackling such big topics, I would have thought there would be more. I will let you know what I think (of course).
(oh yeah...the exclamation point issue has been refined for today. I can use it if and only if I use the shift key on the left side of the keyboard...the right shift key seems to only work with @ and beyond.)
Help!
And suggestions on good books that will give me religious perspectives OTHER than Christianity? I'm looking for a kind of, "this is what we believe and why." A little historical perspective would also be welcome.
I did pick up the two CS Lewis books that have been recommended to me. The Problem of Pain and A Grief Observed. I was surprised to find that they are thin little books...for tackling such big topics, I would have thought there would be more. I will let you know what I think (of course).
(oh yeah...the exclamation point issue has been refined for today. I can use it if and only if I use the shift key on the left side of the keyboard...the right shift key seems to only work with @ and beyond.)
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Are you freaking SERIOUS?
The woman who had her miracle baby and the new daddy coworker are standing in the doorway to his office next door talking about the miracle of her daughter's birth...complications and all. And new daddy coworker chooses that moment to divulge that his mother lost a baby at birth due to its cord being around its neck, "You know, back then, they didn't have anything but salad tongs to work with."
What the hell is wrong with these people???
Let's stand in the open, next to the office of the woman who's seriously freaking out over the anticipation of the first anniversary of her son's STILLBIRTH, who is tentatively holding onto her sanity by denying that she is pregnant again, and talk about pregnancy complications and dead babies and miracles.
Yeah...that's right...I'm closing my damn door because you people have the compassion and empathy of freaking rocks.
(By the way, this post is intended to be more emphatic, but I have just now discovered that my exclamation point is not working on my keyboard. Which is strange, because the 1 still seems to work just fine.)
What the hell is wrong with these people???
Let's stand in the open, next to the office of the woman who's seriously freaking out over the anticipation of the first anniversary of her son's STILLBIRTH, who is tentatively holding onto her sanity by denying that she is pregnant again, and talk about pregnancy complications and dead babies and miracles.
Yeah...that's right...I'm closing my damn door because you people have the compassion and empathy of freaking rocks.
(By the way, this post is intended to be more emphatic, but I have just now discovered that my exclamation point is not working on my keyboard. Which is strange, because the 1 still seems to work just fine.)
So you're feeling normal, are ya?
Yesterday I went to pick up his pills and had to make an appointment at the vet for our old dog. The appointment has to be within the next thirty days so that we can have appropriate bloodwork done before the next refill (to make sure his liver and kidneys are still functioning properly). The receptionist asks me, "The 15th or the 22nd." I pulled out my handy-dandy day planner and flipped to those dates. I chose the 22nd, even though it's on the outside of the 30-day limit. Why? Here's where I slip off the deep end.
My reasoning went something like this...
My next OB appointment is April 11th. If there is something wrong with the pregnancy, the 15th won't give me enough time take care of everything and still be able to get the dog in to the vet on Saturday. The 22nd means I'd have at least a week and a half to take care of all the crap...and still manage to make the appointment.
What the...?!?!?! Where did THAT come from?!?!?! I'm all for planning ahead and being practical...but geez! This is getting just a bit too ridiculous.
My reasoning went something like this...
My next OB appointment is April 11th. If there is something wrong with the pregnancy, the 15th won't give me enough time take care of everything and still be able to get the dog in to the vet on Saturday. The 22nd means I'd have at least a week and a half to take care of all the crap...and still manage to make the appointment.
What the...?!?!?! Where did THAT come from?!?!?! I'm all for planning ahead and being practical...but geez! This is getting just a bit too ridiculous.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Miscellaneous Thoughts
-------------------------------
Twenty-six been-there-done-that moms responded when asked about their biggest fear concerning labor/delivery and bringing home a new baby. Not one of them responded that they were afraid the baby would die and they wouldn't get to bring him/her home. And that is why I can't talk to most other pregnant women.
-------------------------------
Me: Oh Sam, you're just tired.
Sam: No I'm not.
Me: Yes you are.
Sam: No I'm not.
Me: Yes you are.
Sam: (sigh) Ok, I am tired.
-------------------------------
I think this is interesting. But who is going to volunteer their child for the study to test the theory? Anaphylactic shock? Sure...go ahead?
-------------------------------
Still crocheting...even through the pain. lol
I should get the majority of it done by tomorrow evening. I promise pictures will follow as soon as I'm happy with it. OK...I promise pictures even if I'm not happy with it.
-------------------------------
Congratulations to the Geauga Humane Society for a successful auction of a bowl donated by Richard Pryor. $7,099.99 will help a lot of animals.
-------------------------------
Invited the boss to lunch today...and he ended up paying. We need to invite the boss to lunch more often.
-------------------------------
Not much is swirling in my head today...I'm feeling rather like mush.
-------------------------------
Twenty-six been-there-done-that moms responded when asked about their biggest fear concerning labor/delivery and bringing home a new baby. Not one of them responded that they were afraid the baby would die and they wouldn't get to bring him/her home. And that is why I can't talk to most other pregnant women.
-------------------------------
Me: Oh Sam, you're just tired.
Sam: No I'm not.
Me: Yes you are.
Sam: No I'm not.
Me: Yes you are.
Sam: (sigh) Ok, I am tired.
-------------------------------
I think this is interesting. But who is going to volunteer their child for the study to test the theory? Anaphylactic shock? Sure...go ahead?
-------------------------------
Still crocheting...even through the pain. lol
I should get the majority of it done by tomorrow evening. I promise pictures will follow as soon as I'm happy with it. OK...I promise pictures even if I'm not happy with it.
-------------------------------
Congratulations to the Geauga Humane Society for a successful auction of a bowl donated by Richard Pryor. $7,099.99 will help a lot of animals.
-------------------------------
Invited the boss to lunch today...and he ended up paying. We need to invite the boss to lunch more often.
-------------------------------
Not much is swirling in my head today...I'm feeling rather like mush.
-------------------------------
Monday, March 20, 2006
Crochet related injury
Oh my...I'm getting old. I've been working away on Xavier's christening gown and my right arm is stiff and sore. How sad is that? I choose to believe that part of it was a result of walking the crazy foster dog on the retractable leash (and having her pull me all over kingdom come). Or maybe I'm just trying to find an excuse other than my advancing maturity...
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Why does it bother me so much?
I know exactly why. Even before something bad happened to me, I still questioned the logic. Bad things happen...really bad things...to a lot of people. What kind of just and merciful and loving God would do that to fulfill some mysterious plan? The bad things that happen to children...or old people...or animals. It would seem to me that an all powerful God could teach lessons without having to hurt the innocent. Why go the route of pain and suffering to teach these lessons? I do not understand. If given the choice between beating my child senseless and finding a more gentle way to teach him a lesson, I will always choose the gentler method. But it seems to me that the "grand plan" logic just accepts that God doesn't...God is ok hurting and killing as a means to teach us a lesson. And since I choose to believe that God loves us, I simply cannot believe in some grand plan idea. It doesn't fit...it doesn't make sense.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Unhealthy obsession?
Back when I was naive, I frequented a Due in June 2005 message board. I remember this woman, Taryn, who was pregnant with twins. Shortly after the receiving the good news, she learned that she had a bicornuate uterus (sp?) and the doctors gave her no hope for the twin in the smaller section of her uterus. That baby died in utero. But she carried the other twin for weeks...23 weeks, to be exact. Delaney Jule was stillborn at 23 weeks...February 8th...my birthday. I don't remember the exact circumstances of her stillbirth, I just remember being crushed for Taryn and JD. She had this beautiful personal picture of herself with her husband where they were both smiling at the camera...so happy...and I couldn't imagine dealing with all they had to deal with.
After losing Alex, I looked Taryn up and have quietly followed her journey to becoming a mother. She was so positive every step of the way...considering all her options...including adoption. Ultimately, her and her husband decided that IVF with a gestational carrier was right for them. Like so many other things about this strange thing we call life, I had no clue what that meant until Taryn and Heather (the surrogate mother) opened their lives up to be shared.
Today I see that Taryn and JD are the proud parents to a beautiful baby boy. You can read Heather's account of the pregnancy here. I warn you about watching the slideshow...it WILL make you cry. There is one picture, in particular, that made me just sob. It is a photo that captures Taryn in a pure moment of joy as she sees her son during delivery. An unguarded moment caught on film and shared with us.
I only know part of what she has been through...but that moment...I long for that moment again.
Even though I'm sure Taryn wouldn't know me from Adam...I send them my congratulations. Welcome to the world Kyen Spencer. Your mommy and daddy are truly amazing people and I know they love you more than you can possibly understand.
After losing Alex, I looked Taryn up and have quietly followed her journey to becoming a mother. She was so positive every step of the way...considering all her options...including adoption. Ultimately, her and her husband decided that IVF with a gestational carrier was right for them. Like so many other things about this strange thing we call life, I had no clue what that meant until Taryn and Heather (the surrogate mother) opened their lives up to be shared.
Today I see that Taryn and JD are the proud parents to a beautiful baby boy. You can read Heather's account of the pregnancy here. I warn you about watching the slideshow...it WILL make you cry. There is one picture, in particular, that made me just sob. It is a photo that captures Taryn in a pure moment of joy as she sees her son during delivery. An unguarded moment caught on film and shared with us.
I only know part of what she has been through...but that moment...I long for that moment again.
Even though I'm sure Taryn wouldn't know me from Adam...I send them my congratulations. Welcome to the world Kyen Spencer. Your mommy and daddy are truly amazing people and I know they love you more than you can possibly understand.
Miscellaneous Thoughts
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Sam spent two nights in our bed because he had a bad dream where there was "a frog from outside in [his] bed." He's back in his own bed, but his own bed is now back alongside my side of the bed. Which sounds cute, but let me tell you what a pain in the butt it is to get up to pee in the middle of the night. I'm really surprised I haven't killed myself yet.
------------------------------
And have I mentioned that he's being contained in his bed by pine planks? That's right. He kept falling out of the bed because the railings are only halfway down the length of the bed. Do we jump at the chance to be great parents and run to Babies R Us to find full length rails? Nope. We raid the lumber pile and stick a couple of pine planks along the sides. We are so going to hell someday. Of course, the universe has it's own way of informing me that this is a bad parenting decision...I have now bashed my knee on the protruding end of said planks at least a dozen times. It's a good thing it's not shorts weather yet for the bruises I'm sporting.
------------------------------
Other than that, there's not much to tell. I have discovered that I have serious anger issues that I need to work on. Instead of feeling healthy emotions like a normal person, I respond to most all situations with anger. When I'm afraid/scared, I lash out. When I'm worried, yelling. When I'm sad, I feel frustrated and that leads to angry expressions. When I'm tired...oh heck...you get the picture. I've read about this phenomenon in boys before...something about how they are taught to repress their healthy emotions but express their anger as a substitute. It's not quite so interesting when you realize it applies to you. In fact, it sort of pisses me off. (Aren't I funny?)
This is, quite honestly, something I've always known. I mean, it's not like we were exactly a lovey-dovey family while I was growing up. Not that we had any serious problems or anything. Just that we didn't (and still don't) relate on a normal personal level. All those "sticky" subjects like sadness and love and disappointment and happiness are there...we just try to avoid talking about them...almost at all costs. I don't know why it makes us all so uncomfortable. Something to ponder, I guess.
------------------------------
I've been slack on the photos. Sorry about that. It just seemed so much effort to download/scan when I had a headache the past couple of days (my head is better than a barometer for predicting weather changes). But it is mostly gone, so I will try to get to the pictures tonight. I have to update Sam's blog...I don't even remember the last time I did that. (bad mommy)
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A pregnant friend recently went through a scare finding out that she and her husband are both carriers for cystic fibrosis. But after an amnio and a near car wreck answering the phone to get the results, everything is well...baby girl is completely healthy. I'm so so so so happy for all of them.
------------------------------
Had Italian Wedding Cake today for the boss' birthday. I didn't like it.
Speaking of food...I made my very first eggplant parmesan last night for dinner. That, I did like. :o)
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Kevin Covais? Really?
------------------------------
Sam spent two nights in our bed because he had a bad dream where there was "a frog from outside in [his] bed." He's back in his own bed, but his own bed is now back alongside my side of the bed. Which sounds cute, but let me tell you what a pain in the butt it is to get up to pee in the middle of the night. I'm really surprised I haven't killed myself yet.
------------------------------
And have I mentioned that he's being contained in his bed by pine planks? That's right. He kept falling out of the bed because the railings are only halfway down the length of the bed. Do we jump at the chance to be great parents and run to Babies R Us to find full length rails? Nope. We raid the lumber pile and stick a couple of pine planks along the sides. We are so going to hell someday. Of course, the universe has it's own way of informing me that this is a bad parenting decision...I have now bashed my knee on the protruding end of said planks at least a dozen times. It's a good thing it's not shorts weather yet for the bruises I'm sporting.
------------------------------
Other than that, there's not much to tell. I have discovered that I have serious anger issues that I need to work on. Instead of feeling healthy emotions like a normal person, I respond to most all situations with anger. When I'm afraid/scared, I lash out. When I'm worried, yelling. When I'm sad, I feel frustrated and that leads to angry expressions. When I'm tired...oh heck...you get the picture. I've read about this phenomenon in boys before...something about how they are taught to repress their healthy emotions but express their anger as a substitute. It's not quite so interesting when you realize it applies to you. In fact, it sort of pisses me off. (Aren't I funny?)
This is, quite honestly, something I've always known. I mean, it's not like we were exactly a lovey-dovey family while I was growing up. Not that we had any serious problems or anything. Just that we didn't (and still don't) relate on a normal personal level. All those "sticky" subjects like sadness and love and disappointment and happiness are there...we just try to avoid talking about them...almost at all costs. I don't know why it makes us all so uncomfortable. Something to ponder, I guess.
------------------------------
I've been slack on the photos. Sorry about that. It just seemed so much effort to download/scan when I had a headache the past couple of days (my head is better than a barometer for predicting weather changes). But it is mostly gone, so I will try to get to the pictures tonight. I have to update Sam's blog...I don't even remember the last time I did that. (bad mommy)
------------------------------
A pregnant friend recently went through a scare finding out that she and her husband are both carriers for cystic fibrosis. But after an amnio and a near car wreck answering the phone to get the results, everything is well...baby girl is completely healthy. I'm so so so so happy for all of them.
------------------------------
Had Italian Wedding Cake today for the boss' birthday. I didn't like it.
Speaking of food...I made my very first eggplant parmesan last night for dinner. That, I did like. :o)
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Kevin Covais? Really?
------------------------------
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
It's all good
The Beast is cooking away...using his/her hands to wipe his/her face...or maybe trying to suck his/her thumb. Heartbeat somewhere around 140. I gained ZERO POUNDS! Woohoo!
The Doppler didn't work (thanks for the warning, Kathi), so he told me not to despair, he would get the ultrasound machine and we'd take a quick peek. I did not throw up...nor did I freak out completely. I just stared at the mobile of blue and purple fish hanging from the ceiling (Steve...now I know why that's there).
I cried when I saw the Beast appear on the screen. No longer a blob, the Beast now has arms and legs and fingers and toes. The stakes seem so much higher now.
The Doppler didn't work (thanks for the warning, Kathi), so he told me not to despair, he would get the ultrasound machine and we'd take a quick peek. I did not throw up...nor did I freak out completely. I just stared at the mobile of blue and purple fish hanging from the ceiling (Steve...now I know why that's there).
I cried when I saw the Beast appear on the screen. No longer a blob, the Beast now has arms and legs and fingers and toes. The stakes seem so much higher now.
Monday, March 13, 2006
Catherine 2 - Universe 0
~Orbit made it safely to his new home and I only cried a little bit upon his departure. Truth be told, I received a copy of a picture of him and his new mom and I feel much more at ease. The mom looks like MY mom, who Orbit is familiar with. So now I'm not so worried that he'll be all confused and feel abandoned again.
~I appeared in court today and managed to negotiate a 30 day continuance for the purposes of negotiating a universal settlement of all pending litigation. I didn't sound like a complete idiot. Wish me luck that we actually settle this because I do not relish the idea of having to make losing arguments.
Neither of these two happenings were as bad as anticipated, so I'm hoping my appointment tomorrow morning follows that trend. I'm fully prepared for bad news, so I guess that's good (I apparently did learn something in the Girl Scouts). Of course, it all could go to hell in a handbasket if the universe decides to exact its customary pound of flesh.
Until then...some pretty diversions...
My crocuses.
Xavier's christening gown. It's now twice this size, on it's way to three times this size. Two weeks...I have two weeks. Now I know what it feels like to work in a sweatshop. (just kidding of course)
At least I have something to keep me busy when I can't sleep tonight.
Gotta go...more stitching to do...
~I appeared in court today and managed to negotiate a 30 day continuance for the purposes of negotiating a universal settlement of all pending litigation. I didn't sound like a complete idiot. Wish me luck that we actually settle this because I do not relish the idea of having to make losing arguments.
Neither of these two happenings were as bad as anticipated, so I'm hoping my appointment tomorrow morning follows that trend. I'm fully prepared for bad news, so I guess that's good (I apparently did learn something in the Girl Scouts). Of course, it all could go to hell in a handbasket if the universe decides to exact its customary pound of flesh.
Until then...some pretty diversions...
My crocuses.
Xavier's christening gown. It's now twice this size, on it's way to three times this size. Two weeks...I have two weeks. Now I know what it feels like to work in a sweatshop. (just kidding of course)
At least I have something to keep me busy when I can't sleep tonight.
Gotta go...more stitching to do...
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Happiness is...
Is it possible to actually turn into a cheeseburger?
Why are there no cheeseburger delivery places?
Why aren't cheeseburger restaurants open at 9am?
The secret of life...cheeseburgers.
Why are there no cheeseburger delivery places?
Why aren't cheeseburger restaurants open at 9am?
The secret of life...cheeseburgers.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Nerves
This is going to be a fun week. Saturday Orbit is going off to his new adoptive home. Monday I have a hearing that I'm pretty certain I'm going to lose. Tuesday I have an OB appointment. At some point I need to take the other foster dog in to have her stitches removed (she was spayed two weeks ago). No stress involved here. I'm calm...cool as a cucumber...
Yeah right. I might actually believe it if I keep telling myself that...a zillion times or more.
There are no words to describe the all-encompassing fear I feel if I even think about anything pregnancy-related. It's strange. Since Alex died I have found solace in using my words here. I have felt a sort of catharsis by putting my thoughts down in an organized fashion.
But not now. I have too much to lose. I'm afraid to utter the words...any of them. The happy ones, the sad ones, the angry ones, the bitter ones, the peaceful ones...they all tempt fate in a way that I'm not ready to do right now.
And I can't even drink to calm my nerves.
Yeah right. I might actually believe it if I keep telling myself that...a zillion times or more.
There are no words to describe the all-encompassing fear I feel if I even think about anything pregnancy-related. It's strange. Since Alex died I have found solace in using my words here. I have felt a sort of catharsis by putting my thoughts down in an organized fashion.
But not now. I have too much to lose. I'm afraid to utter the words...any of them. The happy ones, the sad ones, the angry ones, the bitter ones, the peaceful ones...they all tempt fate in a way that I'm not ready to do right now.
And I can't even drink to calm my nerves.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Tuesday March 7th
I just drove home from work with the air conditioning on in the minivan. I shivered and shook, but I can now cheerfully say my sinus pressure headache of the past two days is throbbing ever-so-slightly less than earlier today.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Orbit has a home!
After six months, our foster Dalmatian, Orbit, has a new forever home! He's going to live in Maine with a woman who runs an equine rescue, volunteers her time at a local animal shelter, and loves Dalmatians. Her home visit report described her property as "a veritable dog paradise."
While I'm happy to see Orbit go and live the good life, I have to admit I'm going to miss the big guy.
And this will be a very emotional send-off for another reason. The last Dalmatian transport we did was for Deja Vu...on a Saturday morning in May 2005. Monday morning we found out that Alex had died.
I hope I can hold it together for this.
While I'm happy to see Orbit go and live the good life, I have to admit I'm going to miss the big guy.
And this will be a very emotional send-off for another reason. The last Dalmatian transport we did was for Deja Vu...on a Saturday morning in May 2005. Monday morning we found out that Alex had died.
I hope I can hold it together for this.
There's a blog post in here somewhere
Saturday afternoon, Sam, Steve, and I ventured out to run some errands. Truth be told, we were fulfilling our weekly promised bribe to Sam...a trip to Toys R Us for a new toy as a reward for sleeping in his own bed for an entire week. While I have enjoyed the week of sleep without an elbow in my ear or a foot in my kidney, I have to admit that I miss the little guy. And last night, I missed him all the more now that he has decided the next step to bedtime independence is to sleep with his bed actually pushed up against the wall and not up against my side of the king size bed. He's three feet away, but he seems so much farther away than that...
But I digress...and I have to stop or I will make myself cry.
So we headed to TRU and made our purchase. After a couple more stops, we headed to Super Kmart to indulge in some items required for a comfortable pregnancy experience...bigger underwear, fruit scented body wash, and an electric toothbrush.
Sadly, my gut has grown at an alarmingly fast pace. I presume, because I have not gained weight, that it is all of my normal natural fat stores being pushed upward and outward to make room (at least that's what I hope it is). I had become, effectively, sausaged in my normal underwear. And in an effort to shake off all bad karma, I decided that NEW underwear was necessary rather than using those left from my last less-than-successful pregnancy. But the idea of finding maternity underwear in my size...well...let's just say it can be incredibly depressing.
The boys were troopers...nary a complaint between them as I stood staring at the wall of underwear, alarmed that nothing seemed right in my size (unless I wanted to go for the cotton granny underwear that doubles as a parachute...for two). As I was ready to wander off, incredibly disappointed, I saw a package of three that I thought would work...and another directly behind them. SIX pair of underwear! Surely this was too good to be true. Turns out, the joke's on me. It was too good to be true. The underwear nearly fits me NOW. There's a little room for growth...but not enough to last me the spring and summer. Heaven help me, I'm going to have to shop for BIGGER underwear. Anyone have Omar the Tent Maker's number handy?
So after the underwear adventure, we headed over to health and beauty where I was unable to find a scent of body wash that didn't make me gag. And I tried them all. There I was in Super K, smelling body wash and gagging. Pleasant picture, huh? But the thing is, I'm getting desperate. I must shower...and I just don't think a warm water rinse without soap is going to cut it.
Empty-handed from the body wash search, I headed over to the electric toothbrushes. My preference, a sonic toothbrush, was priced way too far out of my price range. $70...for a toothbrush?!?! I had one several years ago...but I dropped it on the tile floor and it konked out on me. I could just kick myself now for being so clumsy. Anyway...I found some cheap spin brushes (I think they're disposable...but I'm not quite sure...maybe you can buy replacement heads...I didn't pay that much attention). I foolishly jumped at the "try me" option on the front of the Oral B spinbrush. Let's see how this puppy works...cool...now how do you shut it off...it won't shut off...oh my heck...here you turn it off. As my husband was struggling to figure out how to turn off the spin brush he chuckled and said, "There's a blog post in here somewhere."
So there ya go...a blog post from the fat smelly girl who can't operate a toothbrush.
But I digress...and I have to stop or I will make myself cry.
So we headed to TRU and made our purchase. After a couple more stops, we headed to Super Kmart to indulge in some items required for a comfortable pregnancy experience...bigger underwear, fruit scented body wash, and an electric toothbrush.
Sadly, my gut has grown at an alarmingly fast pace. I presume, because I have not gained weight, that it is all of my normal natural fat stores being pushed upward and outward to make room (at least that's what I hope it is). I had become, effectively, sausaged in my normal underwear. And in an effort to shake off all bad karma, I decided that NEW underwear was necessary rather than using those left from my last less-than-successful pregnancy. But the idea of finding maternity underwear in my size...well...let's just say it can be incredibly depressing.
The boys were troopers...nary a complaint between them as I stood staring at the wall of underwear, alarmed that nothing seemed right in my size (unless I wanted to go for the cotton granny underwear that doubles as a parachute...for two). As I was ready to wander off, incredibly disappointed, I saw a package of three that I thought would work...and another directly behind them. SIX pair of underwear! Surely this was too good to be true. Turns out, the joke's on me. It was too good to be true. The underwear nearly fits me NOW. There's a little room for growth...but not enough to last me the spring and summer. Heaven help me, I'm going to have to shop for BIGGER underwear. Anyone have Omar the Tent Maker's number handy?
So after the underwear adventure, we headed over to health and beauty where I was unable to find a scent of body wash that didn't make me gag. And I tried them all. There I was in Super K, smelling body wash and gagging. Pleasant picture, huh? But the thing is, I'm getting desperate. I must shower...and I just don't think a warm water rinse without soap is going to cut it.
Empty-handed from the body wash search, I headed over to the electric toothbrushes. My preference, a sonic toothbrush, was priced way too far out of my price range. $70...for a toothbrush?!?! I had one several years ago...but I dropped it on the tile floor and it konked out on me. I could just kick myself now for being so clumsy. Anyway...I found some cheap spin brushes (I think they're disposable...but I'm not quite sure...maybe you can buy replacement heads...I didn't pay that much attention). I foolishly jumped at the "try me" option on the front of the Oral B spinbrush. Let's see how this puppy works...cool...now how do you shut it off...it won't shut off...oh my heck...here you turn it off. As my husband was struggling to figure out how to turn off the spin brush he chuckled and said, "There's a blog post in here somewhere."
So there ya go...a blog post from the fat smelly girl who can't operate a toothbrush.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Polite jealousy
The lady that comes around daily to collect the trash is a very nice woman. She's probably my age (that'd be early 30's) and she always has a smile on her face, even when she's having a bad day. She's the kind of person who always puts you at ease.
Until your baby dies.
You see, she had a baby girl in late December 2004, almost three full months early. It was touch and go for a while and they didn't know if her daughter would survive. But she did. She suffers some developmental delays that are expected with preemies...she's actually three months younger than she is, ya know.
But she's alive.
I see it on her face every day when she smiles at me and asks for my bag of office trash. She could be me. That terrifies her and makes her joyous all at the same time. I'm her daily reminder how close we can come to disaster...and still come out with a happy ending. She's so glad she got that happy ending...and I'm glad for her.
She could be me.
But for my part, I can't ask about her daughter anymore. It just hurts too much. Because I think a very similar thought to what I know she's thinking...
I could be her.
So she smiles a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes (you know the kind...a smile with pity written all over it), takes my trash, and then quickly scurries on to the next office where she makes easy conversation with J about his new son...and then on down the hall to the lady who always asks, "So how's your daughter doing?"
I know she's glad she's not me.
But I wish I was her.
Until your baby dies.
You see, she had a baby girl in late December 2004, almost three full months early. It was touch and go for a while and they didn't know if her daughter would survive. But she did. She suffers some developmental delays that are expected with preemies...she's actually three months younger than she is, ya know.
But she's alive.
I see it on her face every day when she smiles at me and asks for my bag of office trash. She could be me. That terrifies her and makes her joyous all at the same time. I'm her daily reminder how close we can come to disaster...and still come out with a happy ending. She's so glad she got that happy ending...and I'm glad for her.
She could be me.
But for my part, I can't ask about her daughter anymore. It just hurts too much. Because I think a very similar thought to what I know she's thinking...
I could be her.
So she smiles a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes (you know the kind...a smile with pity written all over it), takes my trash, and then quickly scurries on to the next office where she makes easy conversation with J about his new son...and then on down the hall to the lady who always asks, "So how's your daughter doing?"
I know she's glad she's not me.
But I wish I was her.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
I sent another present to my secret pal. I took the lazy way and just ordered off her KnitPicks wishlist. I hope she likes it. :o)
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Creative genius?
Steve and I have been invited to play fantasy baseball. But we need some creative team names for our teams. Suggestions?
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