House update

A lot of the home improvement that's been going on hasn't been much for the "wow" factor (interior plumbing and wiring). But here's a look at the new porch!

And here is the new roof line for the side porch (which will get an overhaul too).

The next major exterior improvement coming up is the siding. And then we move indoors for the fun stuff.

FREEDOM!!!

Can I tell you how HAPPY I am about this? I know I have to drive that damn empty minivan (Steve and Sam will take this car...better gas mileage). But the key to that thought is that I get to DRIVE and not have to sit around and wait for a ride every single day! Yee Haw!!!

My husband sent me a rainbow

I *almost* hate to do this

I really want to win this quilt.

But I'm posting it here and lessening my odds of winning because I think everyone should donate $5 for a chance.

The chance for this family to raise biological sisters together...well...that gives me goosebumps and makes me cry happy tears just thinking about it.

Swirling thoughts

So my mother asked me if I'm insane. LOL. Hi Mom!

I told her, "Yes...why do you ask?"

She said, "You bought baby bedding?"

And her point is...?

LOL

Here's my feeling...Nothing makes sense anymore, so why should I?

Of course, the simplest things set of a landslide of emotions without so much as a warning. No loose rocks falling down, no rain softening up the hard earth...just BLAM...it all goes crashing down the hill.

For instance...

I bought a leather coat. I LOVE my leather coat. I've never owned a leather coat. I look awesome in my leather coat. Why haven't I ever owned a leather coat before? Because I'm too nerdy to wear a leather coat. Do I look stupid in my leather coat? Oh my God, people are thinking how dumb I am.

Get the picture?

I know I have underlying "daddy issues" and I worry too much about what other people think of me.

Here's another of my favorites from recently...

Let's adopt. My period is one day late. Could I be? Maybe I want to be. I do. I want to be pregnant again. But what I feel about a possible pregnancy isn't happiness or sadness or fear...it's embarassment. I'm thinking how people are going to react already! Going to the doctor for all those visits I know I'll have...embarassment.

I still feel like a failure. And that's all wrapped up in how I've always lived my life the way you're "supposed to." You go to school, get a job, get married, get a house, have kids... All so perfect. I don't smoke. I don't drink to excess. I've tried to clean up my language. I did it all the "right" way.

But who decided it was right anyway? And if I were to sit here and define what the right way is...I'm not sure I could do it. So where did this standard come from? And how in the hell am I supposed to live up to a standard I can't even define?

It's funny, because a lot of this stems from buying that leather coat...and watching Grey's Anatomy. Yep. Izzie fell in love with her patient. And someone on the show, can't remember who, said something about not being able to choose who you fall in love with...how you just have to live and not worry about it all so much. And that's me (except I probably won't go nuts and try to perform weird medical procedures I know nothing about on my heart patient fiance). I need to learn how to just live and not worry about it all being perfect.

There are no extra points if you do it all right. When you die, are you going to be glad you did x, y, or z? Or are you going to be glad you didn't do them because they weren't socially acceptable? If I die today, I'll be glad I bought the leather coat. But there's so much more that I want to do. If only I could stop worrying about what everyone might think or say.

A favor

Go here and leave a comment to vote for my blogosphere friend, Kate.

The winners get a $50 gift card to Spafinder or Merry Maids (the nominee and the nominator).

And in case you want to know what you're voting for...

Here is the nomination post.

Here is Kate and Jonathon's blog.

This post and this post make me weep.

So that didn't take long...

Fraudulent. Stupid. Foolish. Like I have no right.

Hope...are you serious? I feel like any little ounce of hope I might have is some sort of foolish dream.

Who do I think I am to believe in that nonsense? Haven't I learned my lesson by now?

Guess it's going to take more than cute bedding...

Doodle's Mommy just called!

That's right! An ad in the paper and the Doodle dog is going home! Yay!

(And let me brag here...according to the director, the local APL returned only 1% of dogs to their owners last year. We're at 100%! Ha!)

I need my head examined

We made it through the big due date. It sucked. I cried.

Thank you for understanding that I needed to turn off my comments because I couldn't deal with another, "I'm so sorry," without totally losing my sanity. I know it is meant as supportive and loving...and I am incredibly grateful to have found friends in the blogosphere who understand. So I hope you understand this too. And to everyone who sent an email...thank you...I haven't read them just yet, but I appreciate your kindness nonetheless.

So...yeah...we made it through the big due date. It sucked. I cried.

Then I moved on.

God...I have turned into a cliche. But ya know, after the first dead kid, the second one is a bit easier to deal with...at least for me. Maybe I'm a bit harder around the edges...but that's how it has to be in order for me to survive.

So we spent the weekend rescuing dogs from the side of the highway and buying baby bedding.

Really.

No...I'm not kidding.

No...I'm not pregnant.

And yes...I am crazy.

Here it is...Sam picked it out...


We all know our family isn't complete (again with the cliches...I have GOT to get help). HOW we are going to add on to our family, we're not entirely sure. Steve is happy that I'm, "...in a place where I could even consider something like this." I'm not sure whether he means buying the bedding or adding to our family.

I'm just thinking how cute the nursery will be.

I'll consider the rest later.

And we have a name!

The big black lab is named Dakota. And it seems he disappeared from home about three days ago. His mom suspects he ran off with this companion because she's a girl...and he's not fixed. hehehe. She's coming to pick him up after she gets off of work tonight.

We printed posters and put them up at local businesses. Steve went into the Kmart (not a SuperK...still an actual old style Kmart), asked the person at the Customer Service desk to hang up the poster, and walked out. This woman overheard and looked over at just the right moment to see the photos. She chased Steve out of the store (leaving her purse and everything behind in her excitement) and said with a smile, "I'm almost positive that's my sister's dog." A phone call to verify the words on his collar (Bark if you're Irish) and we knew we had the missing Dakota.

Despite everything, sometimes I'm still tempted to think that things happen the way they are supposed to.

Now...to find curly dog's mom/dad. Because no matter what happens, I'm NOT raising puppies.

Two little souls

Look who we discovered on the side of the highway this evening...




It seemed like a good day to rescue two little souls.

How very softly you tiptoed into my world,

Almost silently,

Only a moment you stayed,

But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon my heart.

Faith's Lodge

In a sun-splashed room of a south Minneapolis home, young voices help warm the walls with breathtaking joy. Five-year-old Emmy and three-year-old Ally organize their dolls for a ball. Their mom, Susan Lacek, joins in, as their dad, Mark Lacek, takes in the moment.

One girl enthusiastically tells Susan, "You'll see if you get a card to the ball."

Susan responds, "Oh if we get invited to the ball!" "Yea, you are going to get a card," Emmy replies.

In this moment, that demands any parent to take a mental snapshot, Emmy declares, "Everybody gets two girls, and three dresses."

And the reality here is, there is a third dress for a third daughter who lives in everyone's heart -- but not heir earthly home.

"Her name is Faith," Emmy says. And her home according to three-year-old Ally is, "Umm, in heaven."

In a neighboring room, Mark and Susan reflect on another moment six years ago. "It was a pain that was so sharp and so deep," recalls Mark.

For months the couple had been anticipating the arrival of their firstborn daughter, Faith Ann Lacek. But on the way to a baby shower in June of 2000, the couple took a detour for peace of mind that would prove anything but peaceful.

Susan remembers, "We decided to just go into the hospital for, sort of an ease our conscience check, because we weren't feeling a lot of movement." It was then that the couple learned that just weeks before their due date that their baby had died.

Faith was stillborn a day later.

Susan says, "You're supposed to be looking forward to this great moment and instead you get the news, and your life has just changed in an instant."

Even more painful was the fact that Susan and her sisters were all pregnant at the same time.

Looking back Susan says, "I think that's when everybody in our family truly came to realize that having a healthy baby is just truly a miracle."

The laughter that bounces off the walls of their home is a reminder of the two miracles that arrived in the six years since Faith's death. The girls helped restore joy and hope, while the couple keeps Faith in their hearts.

Upstairs in the nursery, a special cabinet holds reminders of their first angel and first successful Faith-driven mission, which goes back to a keepsake birth certificate.

Susan asks, "How can you receive a death certificate, when you never received a birth certificate?" The Lacek's helped make sure families with stillborn children could get an actual birth certificate by helping pass a new Minnesota law entitling those families to certificates.

"We gave birth to them, just like any other child. The only difference was, we didn't get the reward at the end," explains Susan.

In Wisconsin's north woods near Siren, Faith has another birth certificate of sorts. Here on a country road, a sign in a driveway reads "Faith's Lodge - A Place Where Hope Grows."

Late in the summer of 2006, gigantic machinery began reshaping the earth and the future. As Mark Lacek watches the on-going work he says, "The dream is starting to come true."

This family that has borne so much pain in the loss of Faith, now plans to help others overcome similar tragedies in life. In the coming months, Faith's Lodge will be born. It's a multi-million dollar, eight family facility on 80 acres and it's going to be a place where those with critically ill children or those who've lost a child can come to heal.

Mark Lacek walks a trail on the property and as he comes upon an old bridge, he calls
it, "the bridge of hope." It is the Lacek's hope that through Faith's Lodge, others who suffer the pain of a stillbirth won't have to walk a path similar to theirs.

Mark recalls, "At the time we lost Faith, there really was no organized or central place where you could go to kind of figure out how to deal with something that you never expected."

At their nearby lake home, Susan Lacek still finds comfort in nature, while tending to Faith's garden. She says, "I kind of look at it as the time that I didn't get to spend with Faith."

And it is healing the couple found in another north woods spot after Faith died, that spawned Faith's Lodge. "It really hits home for me, when my mom or a close friend will say to me, Susan I think she'd be really proud of you. And that's when I realize exactly how much we've accomplished," says Susan.

Mark adds, "Because of (Faith), a lot of other people will have a much better experience either with a medical crisis or a loss."

While the Lacek's raise construction money, operational costs ranging from administration to counseling, will be covered by Ronald McDonald House Charities, Upper Midwest. Executive Director Meg Katzman says, "It really struck us as a Ronald McDonald house in the woods." She adds, "I just think it's a wonderful thing. There're really very few places in the world that are doing something like this."

For the Lacek's the lofty quest, all comes back to loss. Not only theirs, but others
as well.

The reality of that loss becomes clear during a family visit to an area called Babyland in a Minneapolis cemetery where Faith is buried. Susan notes, "That's one of the things that I never get over, when we come out here is you know you see a new stone, or you see a new grave and you think, oh my gosh, it just happened to somebody else."

The family has a ritual where they release a balloon to Faith. And this summer day, they carry on that tradition. One of the girls says, "I want to do the balloon." Suddenly, unexpectedly, the balloon slips skyward. Dad and the daughters say, "Whoopsie, whoopsie."

In such a serious moment, the two miracles offer relief that warms the heart. And in Faith's name, the Laceks intend to warm many broken hearts. As Mark puts it, "This is our attempt to make the sun shine on a very dark period."


By Greg Vandegrift, KARE 11 News

Faith's Lodge

Courtesy KARE 11 TV

And today...windows!

Yesterday's update...a day late.

An undercover look at a working toilet...


I cannot describe my happiness over this.

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A man and his house...


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Don't they look like actual rooms?

There's always more to the story...

Did she or didn't she?

The thing that amazes me is that they were so eager to "profile" a woman who lost a baby. When in fact, the profile could just be that of a nutcase.

And when the story breaks, you can always change the profile.

"In the vast majority of the cases we have seen, they have not" miscarried, Allen added.

I need to stop following this story...because it will only serve to piss me off further as the story unfolds.

Moral : Everybody lies stretches the truth.

...and exhale

I admit that I hold my breath. My heart races and my palms sweat when I see or hear my friends talking about certain things.

The story of the woman who attacked another and stole her baby...well that one has me very nervous. I have seen peeks of it here and there, but people have been pretty good at supressing the ugly things I can tell they really want to say.

People are sick. People are evil. There is no compassion.

I hold my breath and wait for those statements to hit me in the face like a slap. I don't have the energy to stand up and defend myself, let alone a complete stranger who is completely mentally unbalanced. I don't excuse her. How could anyone excuse that kind of behavior?

It's true, I don't know her circumstances. I only know she lost a baby (she didn't miscarry if she was at the end of her pregnancy...she had a stillbirth...but don't let facts ruin a perfectly good story) and a family member also recently had a baby.

And I can imagine it all.

I can feel that pain.

I understand her a little more than I am comfortable with.

And though I am distinguised from her because I maintained my sanity (only God knows how) through my grief, I could very easily be her. In some ways I AM her. That want...that drive to have a child at any cost...it is eerily familiar to me. (You're right delphi...it is an odd world when you identify with the criminal more than the victim.)

So I hold my breath a lot and steady myself for the comments I know are coming. How could she? What a sicko. I hope she gets x, y, or z as punishment.

And then someone else offers up a little pity for this woman and I exhale.

It's not so hard to imagine anything anymore.

So you've got a due date coming up...

Could you proof this layout for us and let us know if it's ok to proceed to production of your son's grave marker?


It's perfect...if something like this can be considered perfect.

This sucks.