Monday, March 29, 2010

Perfect Moments

It's supposed to be Perfect Moment Monday. And I'm supposed to post a picture. But my camera and I have been working on Animal Protective League business and haven't snapped even a simple shot of the boys lately (a fact for which they are extremely happy...I think they think I take too many pictures of them). I've been having a lot of "perfect moments" lately...just haven't taken a photograph of them.

Walking into the house after a long day of volunteering and having Sam and Myles run the length of the house toward me with smiles on their faces and their little arms outstretched for long-overdue hugs.

Driving up the driveway after work, seeing horses in the pasture, Steve on the porch, one little boy wearing his bicycle helmet and pretending to ride his skateboard, another littler boy swinging a plastic golf club around like a samurai sword.

Walking out of the grocery store seeing Sam in the passenger seat and Myles on Steve's lap in the driver's seat of our little blue minivan. Steve rolls down the window and they all smile and wave and say, "Hi mommy!"

These moments all seem so perfect.

It's funny because there was a time when I was convinced there would never be perfect moments again. And somehow, despite what/who is missing, it is enough. It is perfect in its own regard. There is no looking back.

But there IS nervous looking forward. Do I dare tempt fate? Do I dare to think that somehow that these moments are not YET perfect? That they can be even better? It is a strange place to be.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Mommy ouch???

The other day I was using my doppler and Myles kept insisting, "Choo-choo...choo-choo." There was something that stopped me from saying the word baby. I don't know why. But today I just jumped right in with both feet when he gave me the opening...

Myles(spying my belly stretch marks): "Mommy...ouch? hurt?"

Me: "Nope, no ouch. You know why my belly looks like that?"

Myles: "Why?"

Me: "There's a baby in there."

Myles(eyes wide in disbelief): "No."

A few minutes later...

Me: "Myles tell Sam about Mommy's belly."

Myles: "No."

Sam: "Myles is there a baby in Mommy's belly?"

Myles(hesitantly): "Uh-huh."

A few minutes later...

Me: "Myles tell Daddy about Mommy's belly."

Myles(enthusiastically): "Baby!"

There's no turning back now. *gulp*

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Things I do not understand today

People who try to use an eighteen-inch skillet to cook a three-egg omelette.

We have a dishwasher, yet the kitchen sink is always full of dirty dishes.

My husband "cooked" eighteen eggs, and yet I still have nothing to eat for dinner.

Why people stress when someone verbally threatens to sue them.

Crocheting is so easy but knitting is so difficult.

How to let "I'm sorry" fix anything.

How anyone could want to live in Pittsburgh.

Reconciling wanting another baby with, "Oh my hell...now I'll have to take care of FOUR other people."

Second grade homework.

The fact that after five pregnancies together, my husband still doesn't understand the urgency of the pregnancy food craving.

The trackball on my Blackberry.

Absurd

I just got off the phone with a (new) client who clearly does not value my opinion or advice, when I got a call from another client who asked me to be a presenter at a conference. Some days I worry about getting whiplash in this job.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Exactly

"Don't let your fears about tomorrow steal your joys of today."

Nella's grandpa, Enjoying the Small Things

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Dear Grandma

I thought of you today when I saw these...

And I realize I must be getting to be more like you...because I LOVE them!

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Happy 5th Birthday Thomas

Today I remember Thomas by participating in Random Acts of Kindness Day.

Much love and peace go out to Kristin and Sandy today. May Thomas' birthday be gentle on you both. And may all the Random Acts being done today in Thomas' name echo your love across time and space.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Sometimes parenting is tough

As I've talked about before, Sam has had some trouble focusing in school. He is...over-social.

OK...stop laughing now.

As I've talked about before, we have struggled with how to deal with this in an effective way. He gets all A's...generally A+'s...so it's not that he can't do the work. It's that he talks and talks and talks (I WONDER where he gets it from).

I told you to stop laughing.

We have tried various systems of privileges/rewards/punishments that, quite simply, haven't worked. He is quite content to lose TV, computer, or videogames...he just plays with other toys or goes outside and digs holes in the dirt. He isn't bothered too much by losing special activities like soccer or Cub Scouts. He just finds something else to occupy his time. Try as we might, he just didn't seem to have what Dr. Phil calls, his valuable currency. That one thing that is worth something...worth shaping up for.

I'm happy to announce that, by pure luck, I think we found it. It's US! The kid doesn't want to miss out on ANY time with the rest of the family. So dealing with that currency...every time he doesn't get his work done at school he loses a half hour off his bedtime. I think he was actually at a 7:30pm bedtime when he finally realized we were serious and he WAS missing out (we're now back to 9:30 thanks to a full week of completed work last week). I can honestly say that I am relieved. And I only hesitantly put this out there....because you know, as is the nature with kids, it'll probably change next week.

In the interest of consistency necessary for good parenting (or so the experts say), we are still hanging on to the prior non-working systems as reinforcers of the idea that school is VERY important. Don't get your work done...lost TV, computer, videogames, soccer, baseball, Cub Scouts, etc. And the resulting fallout from that IS teaching lessons...but it is sometimes SO difficult to see through as the parent.

See, he'd lost Cub Scouts so often that he hadn't been to a meeting in MONTHS...so long that they threatened to not renew his membership for next year. When his Den leader called about his membership lapsing, he snapped right to attention and has now earned back attendance at Cub Scouts for the last two weeks in a row. BUT...during his absence, he missed the sign-ups for the pinewood derby (that was held Saturday).

He cried.

I told him he had made the choices that led to this...it had all been up to him and he had done it all himself. Besides, there wasn't anything I could do about it even if I wanted to. He stopped crying and went on with his day.

And then I cried.

I KNOW it's a lesson he needs to learn about responsibility and blah, blah, blah. But I also know how much fun he had last year and how much fun he would have had this year.

*sigh*

Hopefully next year will be better.

*fingers crossed*

Blog housecleaning

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I've decided, on advice from friends, that I don't have to put up with anonymous rude comments on my blog space. I wouldn't put up with it in person, so I'm not going to put up with it here. So...anonymous comments are now off.
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I did want to answer one question...why would I put myself through another pregnancy if I am going to be miserable the entire time?

1. I'm not miserable. Scared...yes. No...terrified that I'm going to bury another child. I found the experience of standing at my child's gravesite, looking at his coffin, to be the worst of my life (times two). That doesn't mean I'm miserable. It just means I have life experiences that color my perceptions. And they don't just go away because I wish them away (believe me, I've tried).

I know there is a lot of crazy associated with my current views of pregnancy and childbirth. I fully recognize that some of it is completely and totally batshit crazy. But completely denying feelings, no matter how crazy, isn't healthy. So the crazy comes here. My co-workers, friends, and family thank you for the sacrifice you make by reading about it.

2. This was not a planned pregnancy. But when I discovered I was pregnant, I couldn't help but smile and feel excited at the prospect of adding to our family. There is considerable risk and the potential for much heartache. But there is also potential for considerable joy. And THAT is why I am surviving another pregnancy...that potential joy.

You may not have made the same decision and that is a choice you are entitled to make for yourself. Faced with this unexpected opportunity...I choose to try. That doesn't mean I can join in the happy dance that generally surrounds the pregnancy experience. I will question my own sanity. I will be sad and angry and jealous some days. In fact, some days I may have to crawl just to keep moving. Some days, when that potential joy is clouded out by fear and anxiety, I may even have to rely on the kindness of my friends to push me forward by reminding me that it is out there.

But it IS out there.

So that's why.
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I still maintain that a high risk OB practice is NOT the place for a nurse to gush about how her own five pregnancies made her feel "so healthy and strong." It's just...callous. But I didn't embarass her by pointing it out. In fact, I didn't say anything. I didn't yell or cry or anything "miserable." I smiled and nodded the way you're supposed to do in polite company. And then I came here and expressed my disbelief at the callousness.

Another day at the office filled with easy chit-chat for her. Another appointment during which I could find out my baby is dead for me. Not miserable...just disappointed because I expect a little more empathy from someone involved with my care in that particular setting.
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My blog started out as a place to just talk nonsense. And I would have LOVED for it to stay that way. But it became my place to get the crazy out. To put it somewhere where people might recoil in horror...but at least I didn't have to see it. My place to be honest without fear of judgments or easy answers being tossed out. And, for the most part, people have been relatively good about respecting my space. But, as in life, there is always that one person who needs to step in and stir things up. I don't know why.

I will never understand what compels someone to leave confrontational comments (anonymous or otherwise). I have always subscribed to the philosophy that if I don't know you, you probably don't really care what I have to say. Further, if I do know you, you probably don't want to be publicly kicked in the ass on a blog forum. So if I don't have anything nice to say, I just don't say it. It's too bad not everyone learned that lesson.
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Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Could not believe it

Just when I thought I had heard all the insensitive conversations one can have with a deadbabymama, I encounter another...

Today the incessantly (and irritatingly) perky older nurse at Dr.A's office told me all about how much she LOVED being pregnant...because she "felt so healthy and strong."

You'll be glad to know I didn't knock her teeth out the way I really wanted to.

Still fine

Heartrate 150bpm :o)

Next appointment in two weeks...will try not to freak out again before then...but have permission to call or email if I do.

Still fine

Mom's ok.
We're ok.
Lots of snow...had a snow day on Friday.
The Olympics are over and Sam is happy because he, "won't have to watch random curling events anymore."
A stray cat with extra toes on the front paws showed up at our door the other night and Steve said, "Absolutely not." So...we took it to the APL to find it a new home.
Pants getting too tight because I'm eating too much.
Husband still not listening to me when I speak. Thinking of communicating with him solely through facebook.
First post-freakout appointment today.
Fun times.
I miss random curling events being on TV.