So yesterday was quite overwhelming. It was my first "full day" back at work since November 19th. Only now I've got Myles in tow and I am quite nervous about it all.
I had really just gotten the working-mom kindergarten routine down with Sam (and was feeling somewhat confident about it) when Myles arrived. Then I had six weeks to gain confidence in just being a mom to two living children and dusting off those baby skills that once were second nature but have been stored away like my skinny jeans...for that dream of "some day."
Now, as I try to become superwoman and do it all, there's not so much confidence.
By nature, I'm a planner. I like to imagine contingencies...plan for possibilities. But with this, I'm starting from square one in a life I hadn't really planned. I never in a million years thought I'd be drafting pleadings with a baby strapped to my chest in a sling. I never imagined I would have to consider whether the baby would scream if I answered my ringing telephone. I didn't plan on scheduling my time around leaking boobs and dirty diapers. There is no easy or pretty way to deal with it and it was...in a word...nerve-wracking.
I have clearly been spoiled by the convenience of daycare. I'll admit that. It's so much easier to pack a baby and his diaper bag up and ship him off to let a trusted friend take care of all the daily little details. It's going to take a lot of planning to do this.
I'm also not afraid to admit that I'm more than a little afraid I won't be able to do this. Work...and take care of a baby? Is it possible that I can do both and one or the other won't seriously suffer from neglect? How am I going to measure success anyway? And as I generally worry about what others will think of me, I can't help but think of the impact this will have on peoples' opinions of me. Will they admire what I am doing and the reasons I am doing it? Or will they deduct points from the serious professional column on their mental scorecard?
So clearly, time is going to be an issue. I'm going to have to get out of bed for the day quite a bit earlier than I did yesterday. Planning for the worst possible nighttime routine, and therefore avoiding complete exhaustion, I'm going to have to go to bed much earlier than 11pm. I'm going to have to pack homework, lunches, and diaper bags up the night before. I'm going to have to plan dinners that are easy to make. And I'm going to have to keep better track of everything in my day planner. Sam wants to play baseball in the spring. I've got to get my act together before then or I will simply lose my mind.
I just have to make this work until the summer months when I can send both boys off to daycare a few days a week. Then when school starts next year we'll have a whole other schedule to figure out.
I don't know how it is that more women throughout history have not gone mad with the stress of it all. But I'm gonna plan...and hope like crazy that at least one or two things go according to plan.