In what is apparently a perfect representation of my life to date, I spent this morning taking my son to a friend's birthday party...that isn't scheduled to actually happen until tomorrow. And of course, upon entering Playground World, the kid was not exactly anxious to leave. See why I don't like to do birthday parties? Plus...I'm an idiot. (Though it was some comfort to me that the worker at Playground World told me that there was another mother in there just a few minutes ago who had gotten the wrong day too...so at least I am not alone in my idiocy.)
Even more entertaining was the actual trip TO the non-party. Sam was munching on his McDonalds hash brown and I was thinking about how good this life is. I mean, yeah, there are things I would definitely like to have seen turn out differently (ya think?)...but overall, it is a pretty fulfilling life I've got. And really, if Sam were my only living child, I think I could be happy with that. But then again, I got to thinking about what he would tell people as he grew older. "I'm an only child. My mom had two stillborn sons after me and then was too chicken-shit to try again."
I know, I know, I know...he wouldn't be that harsh...but that would be the general gist of it, wouldn't it? But I then started thinking about getting pregnant again and a couple of blog posts I've read lately about how much time the author has spent pregnant in each of the past five or six years. For me, 2001, 2002, 2004, 2005, 2006. Parts of FIVE YEARS were spent pregnant. 2001, 2002, 2004, and part of 2005 were actually spent HAPPY about it. But the horror of the rest of 2005 and 2006...well...those eclipse the happy bits. So really...I don't WANT to be pregnant this year. 2007...a whole year. Do I want to wait? Should I wait? Hell...what's the difference? It's not like being under age 35 has helped me come out on the winning end of the stats and been a "normal" pregnancy. So why NOT wait? A whole year...
And then...then you will NOT believe what happened. We ended up, at the very moment I am thinking these thoughts, being stopped at a traffic light by...
...A funeral procession!
I am not kidding you. A freaking LONG funeral procession. We ended up following the last car of the procession for about three miles until they turned off into the cemetery.
I think I FINALLY got the message. It took being beat over the head with it...but I think I get it. And surprisingly, I'm ok with it. I just need to put the dream to rest for now...maybe even forever. This life is good just as it is. And I CAN be happy with what I have. This place...this time.
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Keep in mind that this sentiment was this morning and is subject to change on my whim.
Oh yeah...and we went to our favorite Fazoli's for lunch...and it's not there anymore. So what's that? Wrong place, right time? Right place, wrong time? Or maybe it's just a damn coincidence and I shouldn't think so much?
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4 comments:
Yes, I understand what this means, I really do. That it's hard work being pregnant and it's especially hard work if you are a woman with a history of losses like us lot. It's hard ttc and it's hard not ttc fro us lot. and it's really difficult to say never again or to give up on a dram for more children. I've been trying for another live baby since May 2004. I wish you much peace in your decisions about your future and your family. and I wish you get whatever it is that you are wanting for them.
I think it's easy to see symbols everywhere. In fact I have a post brewing about that as it happens to me a lot. So I think it's a "damn coincidence" (but not that you shouldn't think so much, that would be like King Canute telling the tides to turn back - pointless).
wishing you a year full of good things at just the right times.
Yeah, i don't know. I am going with 'it is all a damn coincidence', because i am hoping my own personal brush with a funeral procession was meaningless. But i guess time will tell?
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