Friday, January 19, 2007

Miscellaneous thoughts

The picture was crystal clear and beautiful as I looked in the side rear view mirror. The way the light was reflecting off the snow and ice made everything seem so crisp. And I wondered...what if my best days are behind me?
The event is being held from 2 to 4 at the community center. We will teach you everything you need to know about cancer.

In two hours? Everything I need to know about cancer? So what did you go to medical school for YEARS for?
It finally happened this morning. I had my first real anxiety attack about first real irrational fear that something bad could happen to Steve and Sam.

I got out of the shower and could hear the car drive away (the Elantra is suped up...or is it souped up?...anyway...). I walked into my beautiful walk-in closet and heard sirens. Immediately, I had the irrational image of Steve and Sam in a car accident just a few feet from our driveway. I stood there frozen for a couple minutes, thinking how long it would take to actually receive a phone call if something bad had happened. Then I decided to see if I could see I looked out the window. Thankfully, the Sheriff's car went speeding by our house in the opposite direction it would need to go to arrive at the scene of an accident involving my two guys. I breathed deeply for a few and continued getting dressed.

I do not want to go down this road. But given the fact that I haven't even taken a step down it in the last two years, maybe I'm due for some irrational freak-outs.
This morning, while driving to work in the blowing snow, I had to literally stop in the middle of the road and wait for a crow. In the snow. A crow landed on the snoiwy road (in the middle of a blowing snowfall) and just stood there looking at me. To my left, another crow danced around in the air as if laughing at the whole thing. I felt ridiculous stopping, but what else could I do? I finally said, out loud, "Will you two knock it off?" And they both flew off.
From my post yesterday:

***It's gone. All of it. And it feels like half of my soul went with it.***
(Thanks Jenne...for the perfect description)

Nope...not quite the perfect description. Standing there looking at it all piled on the front porch it was more like realizing that half my soul is gone already and hanging onto this stuff would never bring it would only serve to remind me of that missing piece of me.

And actually having the baby stuff gone from the house has been good (in the whole 24 hours I've had to deal with it). I feel less of a sense of dread every time I walk past the spare bedroom. The only reminders of past sadness are safely tucked away in boxes or plastic totes in the closet...right next to the bedding we bought that is for future happiness.

My God, I am well and truly messed up in the head, aren't I?
I have decided that my grandma was right...if you can't say something nice, you shouldn't say anything at all. So I'm applying this philosophy to my entire life...well...except maybe this blog (cause if I don't blog about some of this stuff, my head just might explode). So...nice things...or silence...

You know, this wouldn't be quite so hard if the people around me had an ounce of extra compassion in their tiny black little souls. If I didn't feel like constantly yelling, "But what about ME?!?!" If I could just find a little bit of additional kindness somewhere. But I suppose it's been long enough and it's time to just move on...

Maybe that's why I have to talk to the damn crows all the time.
I learned something yesterday. When you have a crappy day (and I mean REALLY crappy), there is on thing that will make you laugh and feel better for sure...

The musical episode of Scrubs on NBC.

OH.MY.GOD! Hilarious! Freaking genius! LOVED IT!

But unfortunately, I did not record it. I think we should start a petition right now to have NBC re-air it so I can keep it for all time. Seriously...I laughed so hard I was crying (of course, it does help to be a fan of musical theater in the first husband did not get quite the same laugh factor out of it that I did).
If you can't trust Consumer Reports anymore, then who can you trust?
Bob Ney gets 30 months in prison.

Ney apologized to his family and constituents during a brief speech to the judge.

"I will continue to take full responsibility, accept the consequences and battle the demons of addiction that are within me," he said.

Everyone is a victim of something these days.
As I've said before, my Grandma loved Christmas. She wasn't particularly good at buying gifts for everyone. Many times, we would end up with clothing of all different sizes. It was a long-running after Christmas tradition to laugh at what sizes we had ended up with (generally the smaller sizes received the biggest laughs, since my fat ass hasn't seen a size smaller than a Large since I was about 12 years old).


This Christmas, my Aunt J (who lived with and cared for my Grandma during the last few years and, surprisingly, maintained some semblance of sanity) gave my mom the cutest pajamas as a gift. After Christmas, my mom went to put them on and the top fit just fine...but she couldn't get the pants past her knees. She took the pajamas off and sure enough...the pants were a size medium...and the top was a 2x. My Dad, the source of my sarcasm and the King of the hilarious one-liners, said, "And the legend lives on..."
I'm freezing!
A pregnant friend had an ultrasound today and she was given a CDH diagnosis. I'm not sure she fully understands it all just yet. I am hoping for the best to her, but acknowledging the possibility of the worst here in private...given that CDH is what claimed Jana's baby, Drew. I don't mind admitting to you that I am terrified for her.
This weekend Sam will immortalize his hand prints in cement. I can't wait!

He made a plaster cast of his hands a couple weeks ago at preschool. I had it set aside and all ready to put in a shadow box to hang on the wall. But when I went to measure it in order to get the right size shadow box, it had split apart into six or seven pieces. I presume it was not dried properly. So...we're going to try cement...concrete?...whatever it is in the little stepping stone kit we bought. I will post pictures if it turns out well. (And yes, Kate, I KNOW I owe Chloe more Sam pictures...I promise I will get to it soon. You can feel free to return the favor and share Chloe pictures at any time. hint hint.)


sarahbobeara said...

have you gone to to see if they have the scrubs episode available? i hope they do, now i'm curious to see it!

Anonymous said...

Hi, I've been reading your blog for awhile and love it, love the way you write, and think you're one heck of a strong lady...just wanted to tell ya. :-)

Jill said...

Thinking of your friend. I hope the baby can be treated and that the hernia and associated problems are on the milder side of what is possible. It sucks:(

Windfall Woman said...

I went to the CDH site and am praying for your friend and her baby.