Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Madame Ziska goes to work

So many dreams disappear without being fully realized. All around us. Everyday.

I sat across a table from three men who had spent their whole lives building something. Something good. A few bad decisions and it was all gone forever...out of their control. This was not the way they expected it to end.

I walked past the old woman in the wheelchair in the hall. Her son can no longer care for her properly. I'm sure this was not how she imagined her life. I'm sure this was not her dream.

I painted that room a neutral color and hung a cheery ceiling fan. I don't want to have to repaint, but a ceiling fan is easy enough to remove. Next will come the question of furniture. Do we buy a guest bed even though no guests ever come to visit? Do we put up the crib even though we know no baby may ever sleep there?

I am having a hard time filtering things right now. It's the fertile time of the month and there's nothing like announcing to the internet blogosphere that you intend NOT to jump your husband because you're desperately afraid of your dreams. At the same time I keep thinking that if I give up, all I will have, for the rest of my life, is my failure and the fact that I gave up. And that necessarily leads me to wonder if I'm making good decisions or if I'm just afraid of living with failure. Can/Should ego really have a place in this?

Second guesses...third...fourth.

This isn't how I imagined it. But this is how it is. What do I want and what am I willing to pay in order to get it? Maybe the price is just too darn high. What will I be thinking when the young lady walks past me in the hallway in another 50 years?

Pass me my crystal ball please...I can't see it clearly just yet.

3 comments:

Mrs. Fun said...

please don't give up...... not that me saying that makes it easier. but i feel the need to talk. so here i am talking not making it any less hard.
just want you to know i am thinking of you daily.

One Mother's Journey said...

It's probably a very good thing that we don't have crystal balls...

I can't offer much but I will tell you that I wish like hell I had the time back that I spent "not jumping my husband" because I was afraid of my future. At least back then I still had something to *wonder* about... now I don't. Only you know if the timing is right though - I just secretly hope that the only regret you're going to have is the one that you didn't paint that room a bright cheery "kids" color to match the fan.

AJW5403 said...

This may not mean much to you coming from me since we don't know each other except though reading our blogs. But I hope you don't give up your dream. I would hate for you to look back years down the road and wish you would have done something differant.

I think of you offten and I can't explain why I get this feeling. But I feel that you are not done. That there is another baby for you in your feature.

I wish you the best of luck in what ever you decide.