Wednesday, November 15, 2006

whoa

Sometimes I find myself writing things to people and I realize that what I'm actually writing is what I needed to hear...I post it here for those people who always wonder what they can possibly say to me.

I remember telling someone who son had died upon delivery that she was strong and I admired her. She looked me in the eye and said, "We have no choice."

We have no choice. You have no choice __________. Time will keep ticking and life will drag you along, kicking and screaming if need be.

It sucks and it's ugly and it makes me sad and angry for every single woman who has to go through it. It makes me sad and angry for you. But it is what it is. You can let it destroy you or you can move on with life. It's not that moving on is a bad thing...it's that you just want some time to feel this grief and process it...and you want someone to acknowledge that you have the right to decide how to process it. Yes, eventually, you will move on. You won't ever forget, but you will move on. But only YOU can decide how and when it is right for you. Only YOU can decide how is the right way to handle this.

You want permission to freak out? You've got it. Freak out. Smash dishes. Cry. Run a marathon. You want to yell and scream at somebody who will understand, I'll give you my phone number. You do whatever it is that you need to do to process this horrible awful thing that happened to you and your baby. You want to go to work and pretend like everything is fine...that's ok too. This is your call.

_________ is right though. You can't run fast enough or far enough to escape grief. It will catch up with you. And if you don't plan to deal with it at all, that is when it will beat the snot out of you.

It's not moving on. It's coping. And you have to do it. The choice you have is HOW you do it.

Your strength? Only you know how much strength you have. But those who admire your strength are doing so because they recognize the pain you are in, they know there isn't a damn thing they can do to help, and they acknowledge this battle you are fighting. It's a crappy choice of words...but the sentiment is one of love and respect. And I suspect that what they are thinking is really more along the lines of, "This sucks for you and I would do almost anything if I could take your pain away and fix this. But I know I'm helpless. And I'm so sorry you have to fight this alone. Just know that I'm here and I will say or do whatever you need me to do to make this even incrementally better...but I know my words are empty for you right now...etc."

Someone once told me that other people will take my lead in how to handle this. Most people are not expecting anything. And they don't want to do anything that will be perceived as being pushy...dictating how you should heal. And she was right. Most people will listen to you about what you need and will try their damn level best to give it to you. Because they love you. Yes, there are assholes out there who won't "get it." Ignore them the best you can and worry about yourself...what you need to heal your broken heart. It's ok. This one time...in this...you get to decide.

You don't feel strong today? That's ok. There are enough people who love you who will stand beside you and prop you up until you do feel strong.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think I know who you were writing this for and have been trying to write something too.

There is also a part of me that feels like I need these words too. So thanks...

Sherry (Hallesmom) said...

I read your words and thought of another interenet friend who lost her beautiful little girl, Emmalee, suddenly at 100 days old. 100 days on this earth, then just gone in a flash.

Anonymous said...

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