Not trying...not preventing

I've turned the proverbial corner...and I feel good about it. The revelation...to be filed in the TMI file...

For the past few months, we have not been using any birth control. We were technically not trying to conceive at first...but we weren't preventing pregnancy either. Last month, we actively tried and it didn't work. I was so relieved. No, I was THRILLED I wasn't pregnant. I said to Steve, "That can't be a good sign, can it?" I mean, you're supposed to be disappointed when you don't manage to conceive. Not me...I was sighing a sigh of relief and doing a small dance of joy.

But then I let some stress go during the next few weeks (mostly work and holiday related), and Steve and I talked about it, and we decided to really try this month. Yesterday, I thought, "maybe." And I was genuinely excited about the prospect of being pregnant again. There was a small part of me that was sad and longing for Alex, but the bigger part of my psyche was feeling happy "am I?" anticipation. I actually SMILED at the thought. I felt so gosh-danged normal, it kind of scared me. As you can probably guess from the past tense used in this post, I'm not pregnant. I'm actually disappointed. Not ready-to-fall-on-a-sword disappointment...but just a general feeling of, "darn." And a feeling that it's going to be fun to try again this coming month.

I think I'm going to be OK.

Now...if I could get my defective body to cooperate...