Saturday, November 19, 2005

Let's clear something up

I'm not depressed or suicidal or even really really sad. Most of the time, I function pretty well. I laugh and smile and dream about good pizza and a cold beer (neither of which it looks like I'll get tonight unless you count Freschetta as good pizza...which I don't). I know my posts here are generally sad and depressing and just plain awful to read. I personally warn people off my blog because I know what it sounds like.


I am, by no means, a sniveling mess who does nothing but sob and look sad and pathetic. Yes, I have my moments. And those moments generally come out here because this is my safe place to release some steam/pressure/craziness. I write here generally when things get to a point where they have overcome my thoughts and if I don't get them out somehow then I WILL be a mess.

I'm not the same person I was before Alex died. There is no doubt about that. I don't focus like I used to...I find it very difficult to concentrate. My temper is short and I often snap at people when I don't really mean or want to. And yes, I do commercials, at the baby in the checkout line in front of us, at Sam saying, "I have nobody to play with." But those moments are not the norm for my usual day. Heck...I even painted my nails and wore lipstick once this past week (still not back to eye makeup...don't know if I'll ever care enough for that).

I did consider seeing a therapist. But after weighing my options and considering the incredible effort that it would require to find the "right" therapist for me, I chose not to do so (I never did like to date around). Plus, I have to be honest...I just don't see what it could do for me. Alex will still be dead and I'll still have to deal with the same things I have to deal with now...I'd just have "tricks" to deal with them. I personally would rather figure out my own way back...a bit like studying for the exam the old fashioned way and skipping the Cliff's Notes (Note here...I am NOT saying that therapy is wrong...I just think it's wrong FOR ME at this point).

It's been great hearing what everyone has to say when I have questions or concerns about my mental state or my grieving process. And I truly value the support I have received from the blogosphere. I just wanted everyone to know that I'm not about to jump off a cliff or least not today. Today has been a good day and I seem to be able to string a few of them together at a stretch lately. So that's SOME progress at least.

Next post...a revelation.


Now that I've gotten three comments/emails from people thinking this...let me clarify...

This post isn't directed at anyone in particular. And as I've said before...never apologize for comments or emails or anything said if it comes from the heart. ok?

I've just had some comments and emails lately that have made me think. I realized that I probably sound like I'm ready to jump in front of a bus. And I wanted everyone to know that is simply not the case. In fact, even in my darkest hour, I never considered anything drastic (except maybe overindulging in the drink). I KNOW I have a lot to live for. I have my Sam, my Steve, my family (dysfunctional though we are), my friends, my animals, this house, and too many things yet to do in this life to give up. And I wanted you all to know that I know.

(Now that I've alienated half of everyone who bothers to read...on with your regularly scheduled insanity)


msfitzita said...

I'm sorry - I should have known better. I use my blog to exorcise demons all the time and I can't believe I didn't recognize that that's all you were doing too. I hope you'll forgive me for overstepping my bounds. I just wanted to help if that's what you needed, but sometimes I forget that sometimes all that's needed is a sympathetic ear. I'll be more careful about opening my big fat mouth next time, I promise.


R said...

That's interesting...becuase to me, for someone who's child just died 6 months ago, alot of times you sound pretty upbeat. And you are right, this blog IS kind of your safe haven when you just have to get something out - or thoughts and feelings about Alex, or whatever.