Saturday, November 19, 2005

Not trying...not preventing

I've turned the proverbial corner...and I feel good about it. The revelation...to be filed in the TMI file...

For the past few months, we have not been using any birth control. We were technically not trying to conceive at first...but we weren't preventing pregnancy either. Last month, we actively tried and it didn't work. I was so relieved. No, I was THRILLED I wasn't pregnant. I said to Steve, "That can't be a good sign, can it?" I mean, you're supposed to be disappointed when you don't manage to conceive. Not me...I was sighing a sigh of relief and doing a small dance of joy.

But then I let some stress go during the next few weeks (mostly work and holiday related), and Steve and I talked about it, and we decided to really try this month. Yesterday, I thought, "maybe." And I was genuinely excited about the prospect of being pregnant again. There was a small part of me that was sad and longing for Alex, but the bigger part of my psyche was feeling happy "am I?" anticipation. I actually SMILED at the thought. I felt so gosh-danged normal, it kind of scared me. As you can probably guess from the past tense used in this post, I'm not pregnant. I'm actually disappointed. Not ready-to-fall-on-a-sword disappointment...but just a general feeling of, "darn." And a feeling that it's going to be fun to try again this coming month.

I think I'm going to be OK.

Now...if I could get my defective body to cooperate...

8 comments:

Heather said...

Wow. It really,warms my heart to read a post like this from you. You sound so hopeful. Yes, you *are* going to be ok. Much, much love to you my dear friend.

holley said...

Yay! Of course you are going to be okay. Different, but okay.

Big hugs to you.

Jill said...

Big genuine grin happening on this side of the planet for you:) So glad to see you can see a way through.

Kathy McC said...

Sounds like some exciting times are ahead for you. Hoping for the very best and glad to hear you're feeling good.

Julie said...

Cool. :)

R said...

I was going to ask but didn't want to intrude. I am so happy for you, that you are ready.
Rach

lauralu said...

wow! this is the first news of this kind i've heard from you, and i find it very encouraging! good luck!

gabesmama said...

Good luck and have fun on this jourey. It sounds like you have the right attitude and are ready. I can't wait to hear the good news.