Monday, September 26, 2005

A new day

There seems to be no shortage of things that remind me my baby died. Everywhere I look, in everything I see, hear, taste, feel...there is something. The list is infinite, it seems. Some moments I ache to repeat, and therefore look forward to the reminders. Other moments I ache to forget...so try to close my eyes or plug my ears in an effort to ignore them. I have very few "new" moments that I actually look forward to, like a normal person would.

Normal people get up in the morning and look forward to what new things they will think, accomplish or experience. I get up in the morning and wonder how this day will somehow relate back to that horrible day in May. I worry that I will break down somewhere inappropriate. I worry that I will say the wrong thing to someone and cause hurt feelings or anger. I worry that there will be no happiness in my day at all...or that there will be and that will somehow be unfaithful to my dead son. There is nothing that isn't related to grief or sadness.

I'm so tired of this...and I'm so tired of myself in the middle of this. I want to wake up in the morning feeling excited to face a new day. I want something that isn't tainted by this horror. I want some joy...some peace. The universe owes me...and I intend to collect. I just don't know how.

6 comments:

cat said...

Sending you love and support. May you find some quiet peaceful and maybe joyful moments in between the grief. You most certainly deserve it all the good stuff and then some. *hug*

Kathy McC said...

Thinking of you today and wishing you peace. (((hugs)))

Heather said...

Much love to you, Kate. Hang in there.

Jill said...

I wish there was more to say:( Thinking of you and wishing you the strength to keep on getting up until the day comes when it isn't all about that one awful tragedy and some of the joy you deserve shines on you ((hugs))

deadbabymama said...

Okay, everyone else has said all the nice, appropriate things so here I come to plant my foot firmly but gently on your ass...

Catherine. My wish for you is that you get some help figuring out how to find excitement, joy and relief from grief and sadnesss, all without guilt. Me, I had to get help to learn how to do that and I think you do to. Everything was related to my grief until I developed ways to cut that connection. Some of it will happen naturally, but some of it has to be learned, so collect on what you think the universe owes you by getting the help you need to get through this experience; you deserve support to do the work that you need to do.

Gentle, supportive kick in the arse over.

msfitzita said...

You took the words right out of my mouth. I want one day that isn't so damn much work. I want to escape the constant sorrow lurking behind every single thing I see, feel, hear, taste and smell. And more than anything, I wonder if I ever will.

But I live in hope. That's the one thing we still have that I don't think even sorrow is strong enough to destroy. There's always hope - for a happier tomorrow, a sweeter today - even hope for one minute of happiness. It's there. I promise.