Tuesday, September 27, 2005

And another thing...

What's new, right? I mean, it seems all I do is whine. Get used to it, cause I have a feeling it's going to go on for a while yet.

Another mommy from my June 2002 board had a baby girl yesterday. Her third. I know I shouldn't lurk because it's going to hurt...bad. But I'm happy for her so I just had to know.

So what's my latest problem? The well wishes. They just got to me this morning. "She's gorgeous," or "She's perfect," or "She's beautiful." Nobody but Steve and I will ever think that, let alone say it out loud, about our Alex. Instead of unfettered admiration at his beauty, there will always be that quiet little "yuck" underlying the conversation when we talk about him. Nobody will ever say he's perfect but us. There won't be any oohs and aahs over his head of hair (which was dark and thick, by the way). Nor will there be any giggles of delight at the recognition that he had his mama's curly toes. He deserved so much better.

Now I'm off to buy a baby gift.

8 comments:

Bronwyn said...

I don't know about you, but I absolved myself from buying baby gifts for at least a year after we lost our daughter. It's been 15 months and I'm just working on the first gift that I've been able to put together (but mainly because it's the wife of a very good friend). Let yourself off the hook about stuff like this, if you can. Send a card if you feel like you have to do something; people will understand that you might not want to spend time browsing through racks of tiny socks and cute little bibs right now.

cat said...

Agreed. You deserve a break really, 40 lashes is not needed. If others can't understand that too bad. *hug*

Heather said...

Ditto to all of the above. You are so thoughtful, Kate.

Jill said...

I would like to think that there are a few people out there who are like us who just haven't had a loss. By that I mean that not everyone will be thinking 'yuck' about Alex. Many WILL be wondering how a perfect baby died. They will feel overwhelmed to know a person who such an enormously tragic thing happened to. But not 'yuck'. Anyone who thinks 'yuck' is irrelevant anyway. A lot of people across the planet will think of Alex as beautiful and when you tell us about his hair and toes, WE will laugh and wonder over his lovelyness.

You are exceedingly kind to keep up with old friends who are having babies AND buy them gifts. I don't think you could be blamed for not doing it.

Sweet Coalminer said...

I agree. I don't think anyone thinks "yuck". I'm sure he was absolutely beautiful and perfect, which makes it that much harder to understand why he didn't get to stay.

holley said...

I saw his "real" picture and I didn't think yuck. He was a cutie and it is nothing less than tragic that you lost such a beautiful baby.

And you can wait to buy baby gifts. I had several baby projects that were in progress when Lucas died. They've never been finished, and I don't know that I have the heart to complete even seven years later.

MB said...

I never thought "yuck"... I do think he's gorgeous.

lauralu said...

anyone who even *might* think yuck has no heart. i hope you have alex's picture around the house, both the "real" one and the drawing you had done. you should let everyone see his beauty.