I can feel that other life lurking around the corner, just beyond my reach. In that life I didn't lose Alex and we're enjoying a happy and contented summer, instead of this summer of sadness and angst. It's like if I sit still enough, I can sense what it feels like to hold Alex in my arms as I rock him to sleep. If I'm quiet enough, I can hear his cries...the tone of his voice. If I concentrate hard enough, I can smell his scent...that amazing combination of baby spit up and Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo. I hear a whisper of something that was supposed to be, colliding into the harsh scream of what actually is. I can imagine each day as I had imagined it before he left my body...all the dreams of how we would spend our time getting to know each other and growing together until I passed away in my old age. It frustrates me that it's there just beyond my grasp. But it also comforts me to know that somewhere in time and space my Alex is alive and happy.
Am I losing my mind?