I can feel that other life lurking around the corner, just beyond my reach. In that life I didn't lose Alex and we're enjoying a happy and contented summer, instead of this summer of sadness and angst. It's like if I sit still enough, I can sense what it feels like to hold Alex in my arms as I rock him to sleep. If I'm quiet enough, I can hear his cries...the tone of his voice. If I concentrate hard enough, I can smell his scent...that amazing combination of baby spit up and Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo. I hear a whisper of something that was supposed to be, colliding into the harsh scream of what actually is. I can imagine each day as I had imagined it before he left my body...all the dreams of how we would spend our time getting to know each other and growing together until I passed away in my old age. It frustrates me that it's there just beyond my grasp. But it also comforts me to know that somewhere in time and space my Alex is alive and happy.
Am I losing my mind?
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4 comments:
Catherine, this is beautifully written. I don't think you're losing your mind at all. Or if you are, mine's not far behind you.
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you (you always do for me) but I just wanted you to know you're not alone.
Losing your mind? No. I had the fantasy of my first summer with Calvin always at the very edge of my imagination all through the summer of 2001. I wouldn't allow myself to think of it, but I knew it was there. It's still there.
Write my email address, I will give you the info you asked for. I will be so happy to meet you.
It sounds like quite the opposite, that your mind has finally caught up and is trying to come back to what was normal before your whole ordeal.
I relate more to you. You say it all the way I see t in my mind's eye. I wish I could write it all the way you can.
Yo are not losing your mind. Or, maybe we are losing it together. Is that it? I don't know.
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