I can't believe I said that

Yesterday, as we were on our way for a full day at a county fair, we stopped at the cemetery to water Alex's flowers. I had just been there on Friday, one day earlier, but Steve requested that we stop, so we stopped. As we were standing there and Sam was running around picking up all the grave decorations that had fallen over, Steve put his arm around me and said, "He should be with us at the fair today."

You know what I said in response?

A day later, I still can't believe I said it.

"I know, but can we NOT talk about it? I don't want to ruin the day."

What the hell is wrong with me?!?!


Jill said…
There's no explaining some things.

It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you. Maybe you are just getting to a point where you can no longer grieve at 100% capacity every day. As so many people have pointed out over the past months, grieving is exhausting and your brain knows you have limits and other responsibiliteis too.

Still, it's strange how sometimes your mouth just says stuff without warning.
Julie said…
NOTHING is wrong with you. It just wasn't the time to talk about Alex. I would say that chances are, you were thinking about him anyway, it just wasn't the time for words. And if you WEREN'T thinking about him, that's ok too. He's not here, and life has to move on somehow, you really don't get a choice, so there are going to be times when it's ok not to think or talk about Alex. It really is ok. (((((hugs))))
msfitzita said…
There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. That really jarring, intense sorrow - the kind that makes you sob yourself to sleep - is an excruciatingly hard thing to bear and sometimes you HAVE to put it away for self preservation. It's enough having to carry the sorrow of losing your son for the rest of your life - you can't be expected to have it top of mind every moment of every day too. It's good that you put it away so you could enjoy the fair. That's what Alex would want. I'm sure of it. (((HUGS)))
Anonymous said…
I'm confused. I seem to be interpreting this post differently than everyone else. Is all the angst because you didn't want to think about Alex that day, or because you said something to your husband that was kinda rude and not very supportive? It seems like everyone is trying so hard to be "supportive" that no one is willing to acknowledge that you might have done something WRONG. Since no one else will say it, I will. You screwed up. You said something that, had it been said to you, would have resulted in a nasty post on this very blog. I am also certain that Steve loves you enough to forgive you. :)
Catherine said…
Since you asked...I know what I said was "WRONG" (thanks for the capital letters, by the way). What I wanted to know is, "What is wrong with me?" As in, I recognize that it wasn't appropriate to say and I'd like to know where it came from?

But thanks for the anonymous judgment...it's always helpful to know people are keeping track of when I screw up.
lauralu said…
how nice to be judgmental behind the safety of an anonymous comment. it means so much more that way.

was what you said supportive of steve? well, no. but can anyone grieve 24 hours a day for the rest of their life? well, not without sacrificing their mental health, which you still have and are apparently trying to maintain. apologize to steve if you need to, but cut yourself some slack. that's my assvice for today.
deadbabymama said…
Anonymous is a wanker. You did not screw up, there's not really any such thing as screwing up under these circumstances anyway.

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