I had an Adult Protective Services client once say to me, "I just don't want to burden anyone." I could sympathetically understand what she was saying, but I didn't really "get it," I guess. That feeling of tiredness and lack of interest in the world is there, lurking under everything I do and say. But there is more...there is a feeling that the best of my time is already behind me and I'm becoming a burden to the people around me.
I look at pictures of myself from before Alex died and I think, you poor, poor naive thing, you have no idea what's coming. And I long for the time when my smile reached my eyes and radiated from my soul. I especially see that happy spark in my eyes in the pictures before we even considered conceiving Alex. I have to admit that I have thought about how much "better" my life would be right now if we hadn't gotten pregnant at all. Shamefully, I admit that I have wished Alex completely out of existence on more than one occasion. That, of course, brings with it all the accompanying feelings of guilt, embarassment, and even more sadness. Isn't this merry-go-round fun?
Already, people don't speak to me. I see it in there eyes in that split second they are contemplating even saying hello. They weigh the options and more than once I've seen, "What if she brings IT up?" and they scurry away, with their head down, as if they didn't see me in the first place. Already, family and friends find it easier to not talk to me at all. Nobody asks how I'm doing or offers to lighten the load. So I'm left to consider the possiblity of asking for help...the possibility that people will think I AM a burden to even be around.
I know it's uncomfortable to talk about. I know it's uncomfortable to even think about. And I really don't want to be a burden to anyone.
I feel so old...