Saturday, July 23, 2005

Fork in a toaster

There are a few things I have thought about blogging about but haven't, for fear someone would think I need psychiatric help and say something that would really tick me off. But there comes a time when you just have to type what you think and pray that nobody nitpicks you to death.

A long time ago, when I was in college, a dear friend/roommate asked me if I'd ever thought about sticking a fork in a toaster while it was on, just to see what happened. Now, this friend, if she remembers this at all, probably won't be shocked to learn that I thought she was nuts at the time. I chalked it up to her being depressed and kept a watchful eye on all the forks in the apartment. I never seriously thought she would stick a fork in the toaster, but realized at that point that she had considered things in life that I had never considered...morbid things...and I wanted to keep it that way...her on one side and me on the other. I was ABOVE all that sort of stuff because my life was so perfect...I was such an optimist I didn't NEED to consider things like the fork in the toaster.

Guess what?

I've considered the fork in the toaster and more. It would be SO EASY to run the car off the road into a tree. It would be SO EASY to drop the hair dryer in the bathtub. It would be SO EASY to drink myself into oblivion. It would be SO EASY to stick the fork in the toaster.

Now before everyone starts calling the local police to do a wellness check on me...I don't plan to do any of these things. But I have considered what it would be like. And I can certainly understand how someone who sees themselves as having less to live for might actually DO some of these things.

So to my college roommate who asked me such a "strange" question all those years ago (who I know reads this blog)...I'm sorry I thought you were nuts. I didn't understand back then.

But I understand now.


Julie said...

Oh, how well do I know those feelings. It was about 6-12 weeks after delivery, typical post-partum I guess, but with a twist. All I could think about, was this morbid curiosity to see just how many syringes it would take to empty my bottle insulin. Just draw it up, not use it. Of course, if I did that, I'd be tempted to just go on ahead with the job. So I never did. But I still think about it.
Hang in there, there's new goals to be reached! Who's with me in October??? C'mon, now! (twisting your arm)... ;-P

Jill said...

Sometimes when your heart hurts more than you knew was possible and you look in the mirror and you LOOK ok, you wonder if it would make it easier if you had a physical wound to match or some kind of tangible pain.

I guess that's when your brain takes you to those places where you concieve of all sorts of wierd and wonderful ways to reach a balance to your pain.

This merry-go-round is just a barrel of laughs ain't it?

Julie said...

I know those feelings now too. I would come up with all kinds of things that would be so easy too. But was always too scared to begin to try any of them. But I must admit, if I had not woken up the next morning, it would have been ok by me. I would really want to kill myself, but sure wouldn't have minded my life ending. It's scary all the new places your mind explores, isn't it?

lauralu said...

i think this is part of the new depth of experience package you get free with a stillbirth.

i have soooooooo been where you are. if you need help, please get it. but probably the fact that you are okay to blog about it is a good sign that you don't really want to do it - or at least you don't want to more than you do want to. telling someone else makes you responsible to someone else, which is good.