Have I changed or am I afraid other people will think I've changed?
OK...so this question was in a conversation context that wasn't exactly phrased this way, but it's the question I came up with for today's self-psychoanalysis.
Of course I've changed. How could I NOT change? Everywhere I go there will be this missing piece, this emptiness. Everything I look at I will see where Alex should be but isn't. There is this sadness that follows me, and despite how I try, I can't shake it. I will always find it unfair that others will have happy and healthy new babies but mine died. Not that I've changed so much as to wish anyone else ill...but why us and Alex?
But more than just the present sadness, I know there is more sadness in my future...and fear. I will never again experience the unaltered joy of being pregnant. With a positive pregnancy test comes the very real knowledge that it could just as easily end in a nightmare. I will never have the pure experience of hoping and dreaming for my child(ren). I will always recognize, as a very real possibility, that any one of us could die today. That doesn't make for polite dinner conversation.
The other half of the question has a little less definite answer. Am I afraid my friends will think I've changed? Yes and no. It would be too difficult to maintain my friendships as they were before...with me acting like nothing was different. But at the same time, I don't want to ever have to deal with the sighs and the eye rolls that I know will come eventually, as if to say, "Aren't you over that yet? Can't you talk about anything else?" I know they will come...because I've been guilty of giving them myself. I'm ashamed to admit that, but it's the brutal truth. I have not been the best friend any person could have. I have been self-absorbed and often times impatient with friends who needed my love and support. So it would be poetic justice that I get that sort of treatment in return...I understand that.
Now maybe my friends are better friends than I give them credit for and they won't ever roll there eyes or become impatient with my grieving...but I'm not sure I'm willing to risk it. Yet another irrational fear/loss of faith that comes with losing my baby, I guess. It's easier to shut my friends out and deal with them on my own terms (not talking to them except to invite them to read this blog...and email). That way I know I control the situation as much as I can, and I don't have to risk disappointment. What is my problem??? I'm a coward. This has turned me into a coward...afraid of my own shadow.