Monday, June 20, 2005

How are you?

The cards, letters, emails, and phone calls have all stopped, but for a few very close friends who don't mind listening to me obsess over and over again. There is a part of me that is glad because it means less that I have to deal with or less that I have to avoid, depending on my mood at the given moment. But there is a part of me that is sadder than before. It seems it only took the rest of the world six weeks to move on...while I'm stuck in pretty much the same place.

That's not entirely true. I was able to string two good days together in a row last that's progress.
I have my post-partum checkup on Thursday. God bless him, Steve is taking the day off to go with me.

I have to tell you, the anticipation of these "events" is starting to make me a little spastic. First it was the weekly anniversaries. Then the first visit to the OB for my mental health check. Then the return to work. Then the due date. Then the one month mark. Then the return of AF. Then the first birth control pill. Now the post-partum check. I remember when I could go through my daily life with my dayplanner and not get heart palpitations at the thought of seeing something scheduled for that day.

I remember looking at my calendar and being excited to see doctor's appointments. Now I look at my calendar and give an audible sigh of relief when I don't see any appointments scheduled. And then, of course, I remember the reason there are no appointments scheduled is because this was supposed to be my maternity leave, so I purposely kept my schedule clear. So even though there's nothing written in ink, there is still something on my schedule. I'm so tired of seeing ghosts everywhere I turn.

Anyway...maybe we'll get some answers on Thursday. I hope we do. I've prayed that God helps me out with this and doesn't leave me hanging for the rest of my life wondering how/why this happened to Alex. Unlike the "was Oswald the lone shooter" mystery, this one could literally drive me crazy.
What IS the irony about having to take birth control pills after a stillbirth? Steve and I were trying to figure it out and put it into words and we just couldn't express what it was. Maybe it's just one of those poetic things that is beyond the grasp of an amateur to philosophical writing like me.
I'm tired of being snuck up on. I log on to eBay...the front page has categories and the third one down is "Baby." It's no different than the other categories, but it seems like this one is in big, bold, flashing letters. I go to the scrapbooking store and there is a whole section of materials for pregnancy and baby. It's no bigger than the other sections really, but it FEELS like it takes up half the store. I get the mail and there are Pampers coupons. I get my email and Hotmail has decided to provide me with an article, "Adjusting to a Second Baby." I'm tired of not being able to look anywhere without wondering when I'm going to break down again.
My son is three years old and nowhere near potty trained. I'm one of THOSE parents. I even tried bribery and it got me nowhere.
If one more person talks about "God's plan" to me I'm going to hurt someone.
----------------------------- are you?

1 comment:

Julie said...

Catherine, oh my heart just breaks sometimes when I read your posts. It really brings it all back (which isn't always bad) and makes me remember those early months. How horrible it was to go to the mail box and NOT have a sympathy card for the first time. Or all those damn diaper samples and that stupid American baby magazine. (Oh and lets not forget Enfamil, they have the best timing of all, a nice big sample can of formula on my front porch the day I got home from the hospital). It was just so hard to swallow that people were moving on, LIFE was moving on, without my son. How could they all just pretend nothing ever happened when my world was crushed? Sometimes I STILL don't get that. I hope and pray that your appointment goes MUCH better then mine did. (I was asked if I was breastfeeding, among other humiliating and heartbreaking questions, and then stuck in the same exam room i was in almost every time I went in. My dr was furious I had to go through that)I hope it gets easier to look in that dayplanner very soon. ((((((hugs))))))