Friday, November 05, 2010

Not ok

Yes, I've moved the virtual furniture around here. It's a lot easier than moving actual furniture, so that's probably why I find it so fun to do.

So remember the girl who lost a baby and thought the world would stop turning? Remember how she went on and lost another baby almost a year to the day of the first one...had another screaming baby boy who is absolutely one of the most amazing people she knows...and then lost a third baby? Remember how she moved onward and upward and distracted herself with all sorts of things so that she made everyone around her feel like she was "ok?"

Yeah...well...I'm here to tell you that she's been lying to you since April. Because, come on people, it's NOT OK! I'm NOT OK! For shit's sake...the fact that anyone believed that is absolutely utterly amazing and makes me question whether anyone who knows me AT ALL has a freaking brain. (OK...that's a little harsh...but really? I'm ok? You bought that?)

So the fact of the matter is, when you deliver two dead babies and have to have an "abortion" to deliver the third dead fucks you up. Big time.

My particular breakdown has dropped a big fat turd in the middle of our finances. The only bills I've paid since April have been the mortgage (it's always late)...the daycare bill (we are $1300 behind for the month of April where I just didn't pay them and blew that money on who-knows-what)...the electric, water, internet, tv and phone bills (only when they threaten to shut off service). The bill collectors call multiple times a day. Let me tell you a little secret...bill collectors don't seem to understand that I would gladly pay them if only I had the money. But I don't. And I'm not inclined to find it for them anywhere. Maybe that's irresponsible. Maybe that's childish and I should grow the hell up. But...meh...

We will be filing bankruptcy...and I don't care. I don't care about any of it. In fact, a part of me hopes they foreclose on this damn house so I can have a mental breakdown and just give up on caring about anything at all.

I think this particular breakdown began the day the bill from Cleveland Clinic arrived...for my abortion. Yep. Given the tears that erupt when I merely type that sentence, I'm pretty certain that was the trigger. I couldn't look in the mail anymore. Bills went unopened into a basket on my desk in the dining room (I took the laptop up to my bedroom so I wouldn't have to SIT at the desk at all...more on that in a minute). In fact, there were only a few occasions when I looked through the mail all summer. Much to my surprise, there were a couple lovely notes and a gift in there from some of my blogosphere friends (thank you for those). But even that didn't convince me that I needed to be connected with this process anymore. And so the mail piled you could no longer see the basket they were tossed in/ a point where the mail was falling off my desk onto the floor whenever someone would walk by. I didn't even clean it before I had an APL volunteer work session at my house in October. I just didn't care who saw it. Still don't really.

But that's not all.

When I was pregnant at the beginning of this year, I retreated to my bedroom as much as possible...and I have stayed there since. Sure, I go out and do stuff. I go to work. I volunteer. I shop every once in a while (generally when we are faced with spoonfuls of ketchup for supper). But...I eat in my tv in my bedroom...hide in my bedroom. Christmas is coming. The time of year when I found out I was pregnant and had all kinds of silly dreams. Fuck Christmas. Another reason to hate the hap-hap-happiest time of the year. (Don't you just hear choirs of angels singing here?)

Is this what giving up feels like? You CAN'T be anything you want to be? You CAN'T have it all? You just deal...however you can. And if that means hiding in your bedroom for months and bringing financial embarassment to your family...then so be it.

And before someone jumps in with the depression counseling or medication talk...don't. OK? I'm not in the mood for loving advice OR a swift kick in the rear. I'm just not in the mood to listen to anyone tell me what I should do. Listening to people is not high on my list when my heart AND my head have been shredded into millions of tiny pieces. I don't give a rat's ass what any other person on the face of this planet has to say about it anymore. I just don't. And with that, I turn off comments to this post to save us all from the asshole who will inevitably post all kinds of insightful advice and force me to delete this whole fucking blog with the press of a button.

I'm blogging today from the dining room...where I've cleaned off my desk and reset my laptop so I can type this very whiney post that may force me to delete this blog anyway. It's a start I guess. in short...not ok for a while...getting a little better lately but imagine Christmas will really suck...pretty new blog template.

So who knows anything about filing for bankruptcy? Oh yeah...I need comments on if I want an answer. OK...I'll leave comments on. But if ONE SINGLE person crosses my imaginary line in the sand on this one, I will delete delete delete. You have been warned.


Anonymous said...

After I found out about the Asherman's from my D&C, and after Mimi was born and I had PPD (undiagnosed), I just stopped paying the bills. I didn't go quite as far as you seem to have gone, but I just stopped trying. Trying to make ends meet, trying to pay on time to avoid the late fees and the new interest charges, etc. And preparing our taxes had me in a giant puddle of tears for three days when it should have taken maybe 3 hours.

I didn't open mail either. And I didn't shred anything, which led to 2 identity theft things, one of which cleared out our checking and savings account.

It was the worst time of my life. Cory tried to step up, a little, but he has no idea about all this stuff and wasn't really helpful at all.

((hugs)) it sounds like things really suck ass.

Beruriah said...

I've had a relative declare bankruptcy after he got very, very sick and couldn't work for a long time. I don't know much about the process,except that it's not easy, you need a good lawyer, and that your creditors won't like you very much. You know that, toot, but I also know after having watched it that your family will still love you and good people will understand.

We're barely squeaking by each month, and it's awful. I know right now that the 12th is going to come and we have a bill due then that we can't pay. I know it's there, and yet I know it's going to have be late, and incur a fee. Which is all we need. Extra fees when we're in the hole.

I'm not saying we're in the same boat, but just that I really do sympathize, and really hope you find a solution soon, so you can regroup and begin to feel like you're digging out.

Beruriah said...

Hmm, I didn't mean to call you "toot," up there, I meant to say, "too," but maybe my typo made you smile a little...

Curls O Fred said...

I suck at advice, so you shouldn't have to suffer any from me. Wishing it wasn't this way for you. Sending gobs of love, though I know that doesn't actually fix or help anything.

Connie Reagan said...

Why are the bills even your responsibility at this point?

Let your husband figure out how to file bankrupcy. As far as I am concerned you shouldn't even have to look at the pile.

LawMommy said...

I'm familiar with the "I'm not okay and things aren't getting done" thing...although in my case I've become peculiarly fixated on our finances to the point of compulsion while other shit doesn't get down...

Um, anyway, as it happens I know quite a bit about bankruptcy, but it's all creditor side stuff. But my advice is, don't go to a bankruptcy mill - hire a decent solo or two-person practice who either specialize or do at least half of their practice in bankruptcy. It's possible you can re-affirm on your house and get rid of the other bills that are smothering you.

I'm sorry. I know this feeling of not being okay. I'm wallowing in this feeling of not being okay.

We have to climb out of the not okay somehow.

LizardBits said...

Ummm... I had one baby die 5.5 years ago and I am doing sort of ok more than half the time... and yet i still can't do somethings (like be the social/family coordinator for every freaking detail of our lives... i can do some stuff, but Steve DOES NOT get it that somethings get incredibly overwhelming to me, like telling my mom that we want to stay home for chirstmas and not travel to her house, and that when I say i need HELP i really mean it.)

So of course you're not ok and of course somethings in your life are not working... I'm sorry... no advice... just some acknowledgement that you not being ok or perfect with your finances is understandable.

Sarah (former survivingmyloss, forgot i had this other google account ID)

kate said...

i like your pretty new blog template.

Sorry i have sucked at chat but FB just seems to drop you all the damn time. Perhaps we could try another way?

I don't think anyone here expects you to be OK at all. But when you keep insisting you are, ain't noone going to contradict you ;)

marcia said...

No advice, no platitudes. Just know that I am still here and still care, for all the stinkin' good that does....

Nathan and Stephanie McMullon said...

I can help on the b'ruptcy side of things. Anytime. You know where I am.

And, I love you.

ms. G said...

A few posts back, you posted something that sounded SO like me a few months ago. SO like me in denial, that is. And I tried to comment something to that effect, but I couldn't find the right words, and then I just thought, "well, heck maybe she is coping better than you think" and I didn't comment. I actually turned it back on myself thinking something must be wrong with me, that I wasn't doing better, like everyone else.

I thought one loss fucked me up. Until I had another that is, and understood how much more fucked up I could be. Now I look at pictures from before my last loss, and think I look so functioning, even though at that time I thought I wasn't. I hope this isn't the kind of comment you were referring to. I guess I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

Agreeing with another poster to NOT go to a BR mill, but a small practice.

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Pipsylou said...

I've read this post about 12 times and still don't know what to say. I wish I could say something like Hetal Patel said above.

How exactly is angioplasty done? Aren't you interested, Catherine?

Just wanted you to know I'm here. not much, but it's all I got.

msfitzita said...

I'm sorry.


Julie said...

I think you are fully entitled to be "not ok". Seriously, who wouldn't be? Hell I am barely hanging on to "ok" myself lately. Anyway, no advise, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. Hugs.

AJW5403 said...

I know about filing for bankruptcy if you would like email with any questions you might have