Help my kid help the animals

The Boo Wow Walk is a fundraiser for the Animal Protective League. This year, we are offering a special prize for the top pledge-getter in the 17 and under age category. Sam REALLY wants to win this special prize. If you would like to help him (all money is donated to the APL), please click on the chip-in at the bottom of this page. Please. And thank you!

What it means to be grown up

When asked what I've done during the last eight years or so, here was my response...

Well...I'll be honest...it's been a pretty rough ride. Started my job when Sam was 15 months and am still there. Planted a garden. Lost Alex and Travis. Planted more garden. Had Myles. Joined the Board of Directors of the local Animal Protective League (that's where I spend my "spare time"). Lost another baby. Let all the gardens go to crap. Still in the same house. Behind on mortgage payments and other accumulated debt. Haven't lost any weight. Haven't done anything earth-shattering. I have started to play with the camera again for the first time since college. Basically...the world keeps turning and I just keep hanging on for dear life. One positive thing to come out of the past few years is my relationship with Steve. We've been through it all together and have come out of it more mature and...I don't know...together.

I think I need to shake some things up. I sound...sad. And I guess I am. Can you blame me?

Speaking of sad...I was updating my list of grief resources when (about a third of the way in) I thought, "Whoa...how did this happen? How did this become my life?" Of course, I know HOW. As life goes...it just happened. But it truly makes me long for the days when I thought I had the world by the tail and I foolishly believed I could do or be anything I wanted.

I suppose it's the time of year for poking at old scars and seeing if they still hurt.

They do.

TLC

Today was the day that might have been something special. Today you might have been four years old.


I can't even imagine it anymore.

But I still miss you, my little half-baked baby boy. So so much.

My screwed up psyche

So my mom asked me the other day if I had changed my mind about getting pregnant again. I told her my mind changes every day. What I didn't tell her is that I have actively avoided even the possibility of getting pregnant recently because I don't want another 20 week loss to ruin Christmas.

Yeah.

So how ya been internet?

I've stopped writing here. Did ya notice?

Instead, I wrote a grant proposal.

I took my fancy camera and did a newborn photo shoot and a high school senior photo shoot. I have another family scheduled to do family Christmas card pictures.

I KNOW, right?!?! It's really amazing what you can accomplish when you're completely screwed up in the head and trying not to obsess about your feminine failures.

But don't be fooled. I don't have it all together. Not, by a long-shot. More on that later...maybe.

Well hello there

Blogger has added stats capabilities. It's a little disconcerting to see all these numbers from all over the world and not know who they represent. If you drop by here sometime, say HI. I don't bite...much.