Tuesday, September 28, 2010

What it means to be grown up

When asked what I've done during the last eight years or so, here was my response...

Well...I'll be honest...it's been a pretty rough ride. Started my job when Sam was 15 months and am still there. Planted a garden. Lost Alex and Travis. Planted more garden. Had Myles. Joined the Board of Directors of the local Animal Protective League (that's where I spend my "spare time"). Lost another baby. Let all the gardens go to crap. Still in the same house. Behind on mortgage payments and other accumulated debt. Haven't lost any weight. Haven't done anything earth-shattering. I have started to play with the camera again for the first time since college. Basically...the world keeps turning and I just keep hanging on for dear life. One positive thing to come out of the past few years is my relationship with Steve. We've been through it all together and have come out of it more mature and...I don't know...together.

I think I need to shake some things up. I sound...sad. And I guess I am. Can you blame me?

Speaking of sad...I was updating my list of grief resources when (about a third of the way in) I thought, "Whoa...how did this happen? How did this become my life?" Of course, I know HOW. As life goes...it just happened. But it truly makes me long for the days when I thought I had the world by the tail and I foolishly believed I could do or be anything I wanted.

I suppose it's the time of year for poking at old scars and seeing if they still hurt.

They do.

3 comments:

MB said...

You have a right to be sad. You've had a rough ten years. I have to say though, the work you do for the things you believe in...you rock. You amaze me. I think you're awesome.

Kathy McC said...

OK, I am going to get all positive and obnoxious, so feel free to ignore me...

When I start feeling like this, I try to force myself to spin things around and look at it from the other side. I am going to do the same with you. Here's what I see when I look at you and your last 8 years:

You're a gorgeous, talented, funny, loving person. You are in the process of taking life by the balls, even though it has bitten you in the ass so many times.

You are raising two awesome boys. You have a fantastic husband who is so lucky to have you. You are an intelligent, under-appreciated lawyer who has a job despite the shitty economy.

You have saved I-don't-know-how-many animals from sure doom and educated countless people on what it means to respect animals.

I can't even begin to imagine the number of women you've saved/comforted/educated/friended in the face of horrible loss. I am one of those women, and I will never be sorry I met you even though it was in the wake of such a crappy situation.

You crochet and sew better than I ever could. You take amazing pictures and I am amazed at your courage for turning the latter into your new business.

I could go on and on. Life really sucks sometimes. You are so right. But you are one of the coolest, most caring people I have the honor of knowing. And I couldn't help but let you know.

ms. G said...

Well, I have to say, I do love Kathy mcc spin. I should really try that for myself.

I should try that for myself because I related to so much of what you wrote here. I sound sad too. And I am so sick and tired of being sad, and horribly fearful that I am ruining my time with A.

So, anyway, I totally get ya.