Unfinished business

Today was my due date. Not that it means anything, because Little Bug would have definitely been born before now. But it still seems important to note.

We spent the day at the zoo celebrating the last day of summer vacation before Sam starts back to school tomorrow. It was fun even though I was tense and tired through a lot of it. The smiles compensated for the date on the calendar.

Sam doesn't want to go back to school...and I don't blame him.

But, as they say, all good things must come to an end.

I think I will call the cemetery this week and have them bury the brick filled with unfinished baby ashes.

Goodbye Daisy Mae

We can't remember exactly when you came from the APL to live with us...two...or three...years ago. I guess it doesn't really matter. The only thing that does matter is that it seems like we always loved you. We will miss you, sweet girl.

If wishes were happy healthy babies...

All my love to Julie.

I do not believe...and yet it still hurts

There is this little pang every time someone says God has blessed them. Anger. Jealousy. Pity. Sadness. Dismay. Inadequacy. Failure. All of this wound up in a split second that makes me catch my breath and ponder each relationship...each person...their value in my life if they could think this thing that discounts me so easily.

I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to feel less-than for the rest of my life. I don't want to question my friendships because my friends simply subscribe to a different set of beliefs than me. I want to be better than that. But I'm just not sure it's ever going to get "better." I feel like I'm on a crash course...and I've recently learned that I'm not alone.

I was forwarded a version of this email and it made me feel all those things again. Never mind the inaccuracies lies perpetuated therein (I'm a stickler for the truth)...the pure HATRED that spewed out at me from my computer screen literally made me sick to my stomach. If this is what God and patriotism produce, then I want no part of it, thank you very much.

But where can any of us go when any single person holds the belief that their God, above all else, is the "right" God? There is no room for anything other than conflict if the heart of any belief is that you are somehow blessed and the other guy is somehow cursed or doomed to hell. Is there?

I know how it makes me feel. I just don't know how to let go of those feelings. And if I can't figure it out for myself, I'm not sure how I can convince anyone else to try to figure it out for themselves.

Keeping busy

I think I must sound like a pretty miserable person here on this blog. And I'm not...honest. It's just that there is nobody else who I feel I can talk to about how Alex should be starting kindergarten right about now...how time has flown and dragged at a snail's pace all at the same time. Or how I should be having a baby right about now...a baby I wasn't sure I wanted but would give anything to hold now. I can't say those things to anyone in person because I KNOW the look I would get in return. Horror mixed with pity and a little bit of impatience. So I spew it here and I sound like a miserable person.

So let me tell you a little bit about something non-miserable. Something fun.

Every year my Animal Protective League (and I say "my" because I'm on the Board of Directors and feel a weird sense of belonging with all the animal-loving-nut-jobs there) holds a Halloween Boo Wow Walk. It's a two-mile walk across the manicured terrain of a golf course (green fields and autumn woods), during which human and canine trick-or-treaters collect treats in their bags. In a county that holds quite a bit of disdain for pets, often disposing of them like fast-food wrappers on the side of the highway, this is a major project. Finding sponsors, organizing event details, hoping for good weather, convincing people to care...it's a LOT of work. So if I'm not around to feel miserable and whine about what might have been, this is why. This has become my project. And it makes me happy. So I'll see ya when I see ya.

If you want to see some images from last year, you can view our slideshow here (the first 2/3 of the images were shot by yours truly the last 1/3 were shot by another amazing photographer who also volunteers with the APL).

Speaking of photography...I'm taking the first tentative baby steps toward "doing something" with my photography. I've been shooting at the APL for over a year now. I've learned a LOT about myself and my camera...what works and what doesn't. I've also worked on my self-confidence a little. I remember a year ago at my cousin's wedding when I was too embarassed to really play with my camera and try to get good shots. So what I ended up with was...well...embarassing. But after reading and studying all kinds of online courses, etc., I feel ready to try to work with people. So...in case you missed it there at the bottom of my page...my very first photography website. It's got ads and such because it's free and I'm not going to invest money into an ad-free version unless I can actually pay for it (though I did reserve a domain name for $10 in the hopes that it will continue to motivate me...as you know, I hate wasting money). So we'll see. I have a potential newborn shoot coming up here in a few days (baby just got home yesterday)...so keep your fingers crossed.

Thank you Michelle!

Inside this lovely puzzle box was this lovely necklace (which I have hung on my rearview mirror)...

You are too kind. Thank you!

I cried

It was over on Sunday, April 11th. Nearly two weeks later...it was a Friday...I cried. No, I sobbed. I picked an argument with my husband, he left the room, and I laid down on the bed and my body shook with the sobbing. And I haven't cried since.

Until today.

I don't know why today. But today is apparently the day.

A friend came for a visit a couple weeks ago and suggested maybe I am depressed because I'm like that commercial ("Do you find you have to wind yourself up just to get out of bed?"). And I said no as I mentally ticked it off...May...June...July...August. It's been four months. I was feeling better by four months with Alex.

Alex.

Here come the tears.

Alex.

It seems a million years ago I held sweet baby Alex. I say his name and it seems so un-freaking-believable...like it happened to someone else and was just some horrible story I heard once. But my arms still ache to hold him. I can't deny it. I miss my baby boy.

But I can't talk about it either. I'm supposed to have had my cry and moved on by now. If someone were to walk into my office right this moment, what would I tell them is wrong? Why am I crying?

I don't even know anymore.

Am I depressed? Maybe. Or maybe today is just a day for crying.

20 years

This weekend was my 20th high school reunion.

I did not attend.

Reunions are all about recounting your journey...sharing what has happened in your separate lives while you've been apart. And for the life of me, I just couldn't imagine how I would tell my story. There were several particularly awful nightmares as a result of even trying to come up with some acceptable way of sharing. Of course, there was the option of NOT sharing at all...but that seemed equally awful as it denied my own truths. Not to mention that I blabbed all over Facebook about how I probably wouldn't be at the reunion because I was planning to have a newborn baby by now. Yeah. That's a little difficult to live down in front of people you haven't seen in twenty years.

No, I didn't feel like struggling to find a balance that would allow me to be there. Not yet. There are still some things that are a little too fresh.

So I hid.

Maybe I'll sort it all out by my 30th reunion.