Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I do not believe...and yet it still hurts

There is this little pang every time someone says God has blessed them. Anger. Jealousy. Pity. Sadness. Dismay. Inadequacy. Failure. All of this wound up in a split second that makes me catch my breath and ponder each relationship...each person...their value in my life if they could think this thing that discounts me so easily.

I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to feel less-than for the rest of my life. I don't want to question my friendships because my friends simply subscribe to a different set of beliefs than me. I want to be better than that. But I'm just not sure it's ever going to get "better." I feel like I'm on a crash course...and I've recently learned that I'm not alone.

I was forwarded a version of this email and it made me feel all those things again. Never mind the inaccuracies lies perpetuated therein (I'm a stickler for the truth)...the pure HATRED that spewed out at me from my computer screen literally made me sick to my stomach. If this is what God and patriotism produce, then I want no part of it, thank you very much.

But where can any of us go when any single person holds the belief that their God, above all else, is the "right" God? There is no room for anything other than conflict if the heart of any belief is that you are somehow blessed and the other guy is somehow cursed or doomed to hell. Is there?

I know how it makes me feel. I just don't know how to let go of those feelings. And if I can't figure it out for myself, I'm not sure how I can convince anyone else to try to figure it out for themselves.


Michele said...

I often hear "Look, you waited and God blessed you." As though, my children who died werent blessings too. I do believe in God, and I do feel blessed by each being that I've had the honor of carrying, even if for a moment. But the way people throw around "blessing" as though it is some sort of lottery that is won or that if you are just good enough... It makes me sick.

As does the hatred of another. Why is it so easy to erase the flaws of ones own religious path, but so easy to destroy another because of fanatics? There are fanatics on all paths...

Unknown said...

I think that that journey is so personal. If it helps you to distance yourself from friends who believe or have belief, then maybe you need to do it. For a season at least.

I'm trying to figure out why someone else's belief would make you feel "less than". I am thinking maybe it's the condescending attitude you feel from them moreso than the belief?

The Bible tells me that I am no man's judge, and I have to keep beating that into my head over and over again. Also, I don't believe that you are "condemned" or "doomed" to hell. I believe that every man has a choice whether or not to believe, or to trust, and that is a decision each one must make for himself.

I'm annoyed at the patriotism/Godliness that does seem to be pervasive. Like, if you're a republican or if you think abortion is wrong, you're a true patriot.


My losses are always going to suck. But I know that God can use them for something beautiful, if I let Him do the work. And trust me, it's all Him.

While you go vomit, I will exit stage right.

I'm not saying it very well, but again, it's all so personal. I think the best you can go for is finding peace, you know?

You'll find it.

bibc said...

lastchanceivf blogs about this a lot. how people say they are "blessed" oh yea, and what are the rest of us, damned? she prefers the term "lucky" and i have to agree with her.

Jillian said...

Interesting... not living in the USA and therefore not with the kind of Christianity that induces eyeball rolling in most places outside the USA, I can take the word "blessing" and separate it from God. I have many blessings. I am blessed. I am also caucasion, female, short, fat and grumpy.

Lis is right - blessed = lucky. My DH calls it "kissed on the dick". It might just be a lifetime of gameplaying in your mind, but just don't look at the part of the sentence that silently (or not) tells you blessings are from God. Blessings can just be - take a vacation in England and you'll never see the word the same again!!

But yeah, I still think about how the logical conclusion of the thing that IS being a blessing is that the thing that ISN'T is not a blessing. Like you prayed better or harder for the blessing than the non-blessing.

(Say blessing 50 times - it'll soon lose all meaning lol)

Kathy McC said...

You know how I feel about all this. I am done with religion. I do believe there' s a higher power, but organized religion has so disappointed me that I just can't buy into it anymore.

kate said...

These days, everybody around here says 'have a blessed day'. Because nice -> great -> blessed. What is next, i wonder?

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