Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Too much information

"Dead, there's nothing we can do for them, and we don't know what they'd want, we can't even guess...And so in my grief I understand that mourning is a kind of ventriloquism; we put words into the mouths of our bereavers, but of course it's all entirely about us, our wants, our needs, the dead are satisfied, we are greedy, greedy, greedy, unseemly, self-obsessed. If your child did not survive his birth, everyone can see that clearly. I want. I need. Not him. No pretending."

A big THANK YOU for sending all the books. I've been reading them and re-learning some of the points I had apparently forgotten.

They're dead.

I KNOW it seems obvious, doesn't it? But it's something that has to be understood with more than just shock and horror. There is nothing I can do for them and my missing them is purely selfish. There is nothing I can do for them. They are gone. How I choose to integrate their little existences into my own is entirely up to me. When I realized this, it was a freeing moment, the likes of which I haven't really felt before.

So how selfish am I? Selfish enough to let it tarnish the happiness I have with my little living family? No.

Selfish enough to let it scare me away from hoping for another child? Guess what? No.

Though it will seem fast and possibly inappropriate, we have made a decision. With an eye on the ticking clock and a knowledge of ALL of the things that are going against us, we have decided to try again (how I hate that "try again" terminology, but I can not escape it here). As I told Dr. A, "We didn’t have any testing done because we were SURE we were done. But we have realized that even though it was a “surprise” pregnancy (and we weren’t sure about it when we first found out), we really would like to add another child to our family."

We go into this with our eyes open...with our hearts open. We know the potential for disaster is great. But we can't let that make our decisions for us when the potential for joy is...beyond words.

I spoke with Dr. A [interestingly enough, a crow WALKED across the highway in front of the van while I was on the phone with him (no, I wasn't driving)] and he was awesome. He will have another high-risk OB review my medical history/file just to see if there is "anything new" that he's not aware of that might help.

Dr. A said that as long as I can handle it mentally and emotionally, then he's willing to do whatever it takes to make it successful. He fully acknowledges that I'm a medical freak...though he says it in much nicer terms. I got a chuckle when he said, "it (recurrent early miscarriage) is different than what happens to you." What happens to me. I don't know...that was just an oddly appropriate turn of phrase.

We all know the biological facts and statistics...it's going to be a medical gamble. I'm physically healthy and there is no reason not to try.

As far as my mental state, it is very helpful that he seems to honestly care. I mean, how many doctors give you their cell phone number and tell you to call whenever you need to talk? He answers my questions and always always listens to my concerns. And, strangely enough, it is comforting when he admits he doesn't know what to say. He's my doctor, but he doesn't think he's super-human...which works for me.

I have no illusions (or delusions) about what this will be. I know it very well could end in disaster again. But if we lose again, at the very least I will be able to say that I didn't let fear dictate my decisions...that I did everything I could to realize my dreams.

This doesn't mean I won't be afraid or have days where my hope disappears. But I have to try. I realize now that when Little Bug died I was more sad about the prospect of no baby than I was that I had lost this baby. This baby didn't even have a gender assigned to it...so how could I really miss it? But the loss of all hope was too much to bear. We want another child. It took an accidental conception to make us realize that. I suppose that was Little Bug's gift to us.

Little Bug, accidental conception or not, was worth it. Alex and Travis were worth it. Worth the love and happiness they brought. But they are gone and they are satisfied. I can't put my own words into their mouths and then blame them for the fear that is created. It's all me. And it's time I take back my life.

Wish us luck...we're gonna need it.

**update: Dr. A's consult doctor wants to see me. *gulp*


Jillian said...

Catherine, wow, good luck!

Your thoughts are entirely logical. I doubt I could wage an argument against anything you said from a logical standpoint.

Peace and courage seeps through every word you wrote.

I hope the consult dr has the balls you and Steve do and doesn't try to stop you out of fear...or statistics ;)

Good, luck with it all my friend x

Sweet Coalminer said...

I'm so glad you've made the best of Little Bug's gift to you. We will be here pulling for you

marcia said...

I don't know how to describe what I found welling up inside me the further I got into this post...just great big huge excitement!! :):) Wish I had words like you or pipsylou to say what I am feeling, but I don't. I know I ended the read with a huge smile on my face. Good for you, C and S...I'm so proud of you and very, very happy at your decision to "go for it"!! I know that must sound maternalistic, but heck, I'm old enough to be your mother, so I'm just gonna go with that!! :) Wishing you all the best and more!! :):)

lorem ipsum said...

I admire you so much. Even more now.


delphi said...

I am covered in shivers. That's all I can say. Hope is beautiful.

On an unrelated note, my word verification is "yoda".


Kendra's mom said...

I think you are exceptionally brave and I really hope that everything goes ok. I will be rooting for you. Good luck!!

nocton4 said...

holding you all in my thoughts every step of the way ... ok Mama .. go enjoy the making xxx

kate said...

wow....good luck!

Beruriah said...

Indeed I am pleased. And hopeful.

Pipsylou said...

I knew it i knew it I KNEW IT!
Catherine I have tears of joy in my eyes. I am so excited. Oh, Catherine...OH CATHERINE!

Typing that out, it looked like a really bad orgasm.

Oh, I am so happy.

Just so, so happy.

Pipsylou said...

I realize now that when Little Bug died I was more sad about the prospect of no baby than I was that I had lost this baby.

I got that feeling many times when reading your posts...Little Bug has a very special place in your heart, of course...OF COURSE. But it seemed you were grieving even more the prospect of never having another baby again.

If I could, I would type more"oh catherines", but that might be gratuitious, so I will just say this: I have a huge, huge smile on my face.

MB said...

You are anything but selfish. Definitely not selfish. You may be the most selfLESS person I know. I'm glad for you. Glad for your strength and your will and glad for your family.

Julia said...

It's not exactly selfish. It's right. One of the best things I have learned about Judaism (you know, since growing up we only knew the food was yummy; so pretty much all I learned about this part of my heritage was after coming to the US) is that it teaches that grieving is for the living. There's ritual and community obligations that go with the theme, but they are not important here. What is important is that very simple truth that grief is for the living.

And I can't exactly describe what I am feeling about this. Cautious joy? I am glad you heard yourselves and made the call that is absolutely without a doubt right for your family. I am holding my breath for the ride, but I am smiling because you decided to jump.

Best of luck with the consulting doctor.

Kellie said...

I'm glad you still have options. It's a bitch when it's over, finished - done. Talk about a mind-fuck.

FWIW - yay! You go girl.

Kathy McC said...


Holley said...

Yay and Hugs!

lis said...

i think its amazing that you would try again. and wonderful. and i wish you all the best and all the luck in the world.
i know that my fear is that eventually, if i keep losing babies, that my family or my husband will have had enough and start ragging on me/us. even then, i hope i would be able to stay strong and keep my eye on my goal of growing (starting) my family.
i am so glad things are looking up, and i do hope the peri has some answers for you.

JEN said...

i am so glad, so so so glad. everything that everyone else said, x100. <3

Kelley said...

Oh good luck Kate! I was so happy to read this, happy to hear so much hope and peace in your words. I hope your consult has positive results!

Babs said...

I'm holding my breath with you and rooting for you all the way!!!!!! Hoping for a quick and easy 'knock up' and a wonderful fulfillment of your dream....I love ya Beautiful!!!

Sarah said...

How exciting and scary and a whole list of other emotions. You are the strongest woman I have ever known.

Heather said...

You are such an extraordinary, wonderful person. Ditto Sarah, so strong, logical, and intelligent. You have the largest fan club in the world--we are all rooting for you guys.