So our shameful little secret is that until two nights ago, Sam still slept in our bed. We tried so hard to transition him before and just didn't have the energy or the inclination. To be honest, each of the two times I returned home from the hospital with empty arms, I needed to have his snuggly warmth up against me...to remind me...of everything... And really, he needed us to reassure him that we weren't going anywhere...that life wasn't all scary and unpredictable...and at the end of every day there would be his mommy and daddy to snuggle up and fall asleep with.
Every night at 9pm we would have our "snuggle time" during which we would watch one half hour cartoon and just relax together. But now time has moved us all forward and the boy's cute little starfish sleeping position now comes with sharp elbows and lightning fast movement that no longer make the family bed comfortable for any of us. His interest in watching an innocent half hour cartoon is pretty small. And though he still "wants" to sleep between mom and dad...he doesn't need to (and I question whether he even wants to).
It was time and he agreed to sleep in another bed in another bedroom if his brother would make the move with him.
And so the crib moved too.
And I am so so sad.
I am so not ready.
The little boy who saved me from the darkness and the baby who helped me find light again...both need me a little less tonight. No middle of the night kisses as I stumble my way to/from the bathroom. No warm little boy breath across my cheek as he rests his head on part of my pillow. The bedroom we put together when my belly was swollen and our hearts bursting with anticipation...half empty now with two fewer little people to snuggle.
I know it could be worse (believe me, I know). And I am beyond happy to know that two of my children sleep soundly in the warmth and comfort of the next room. But this letting go is hard too.
I know Steve will find this all funny since we have dogs and cats galore who are more than willing to snuggle on the bed. And yes, I know the husband and wife thing is supposed to be so fulfilling that the children get in the way and I should be relieved (it WAS nice to be able to watch TV after they had fallen asleep in their own room). But my heart aches with this change.
I know this won't be the longest night I live through as the mom of these two boys.
But right now I'm wishing for the sunrise so I can kiss their little faces.