Sunday, December 28, 2008

The longest night

So our shameful little secret is that until two nights ago, Sam still slept in our bed. We tried so hard to transition him before and just didn't have the energy or the inclination. To be honest, each of the two times I returned home from the hospital with empty arms, I needed to have his snuggly warmth up against remind me...of everything... And really, he needed us to reassure him that we weren't going anywhere...that life wasn't all scary and unpredictable...and at the end of every day there would be his mommy and daddy to snuggle up and fall asleep with.

Every night at 9pm we would have our "snuggle time" during which we would watch one half hour cartoon and just relax together. But now time has moved us all forward and the boy's cute little starfish sleeping position now comes with sharp elbows and lightning fast movement that no longer make the family bed comfortable for any of us. His interest in watching an innocent half hour cartoon is pretty small. And though he still "wants" to sleep between mom and dad...he doesn't need to (and I question whether he even wants to).

It was time and he agreed to sleep in another bed in another bedroom if his brother would make the move with him.

And so the crib moved too.

And I am so so sad.

I am so not ready.

The little boy who saved me from the darkness and the baby who helped me find light again...both need me a little less tonight. No middle of the night kisses as I stumble my way to/from the bathroom. No warm little boy breath across my cheek as he rests his head on part of my pillow. The bedroom we put together when my belly was swollen and our hearts bursting with anticipation...half empty now with two fewer little people to snuggle.

I know it could be worse (believe me, I know). And I am beyond happy to know that two of my children sleep soundly in the warmth and comfort of the next room. But this letting go is hard too.

I know Steve will find this all funny since we have dogs and cats galore who are more than willing to snuggle on the bed. And yes, I know the husband and wife thing is supposed to be so fulfilling that the children get in the way and I should be relieved (it WAS nice to be able to watch TV after they had fallen asleep in their own room). But my heart aches with this change.

I know this won't be the longest night I live through as the mom of these two boys.

But right now I'm wishing for the sunrise so I can kiss their little faces.


Aurelia said...

Oh honey, it will be hard, and I'm sure the second one of them gets sick that you will have a full bed again, but for now---try to enjoy some time alone with Steve.

Now, for the embarassing question, how on earth did you two ever conceive so many times with Sam and all the animals in your bed!


Stephanie said...

Oh Kate....I feel you...I so feel you....

I hope the morning came quickly and was accompanied by kisses (lots of them!).

Hennifer said...

It isn't shameful at all, I think it is wonderful that you did that for your sons. I will have a hard time too when my daughter moves from our family bed, and she'll still be in the room ;-)

Hoping you can enjoy the new "space" a little more each night.

DD said...

It'll make those nights they sneak in for cuddles so much more special to all of you. I felt so guilty when I finally stopped going to bed in the baby's room. It doesn't matter if logically I know "it's for the best". My heart pounds each time I wake up and don't hear her breath or see her move on the monitor. The stretch between their rooms and ours feels like miles.

Lisa said...

Oh Kate you have me crying! I sooo know where you are coming from. It is time for us to move Carter to his own bed but I am so not ready. I LOVE how he cuddles up to me and finds my ear to hold during the night. I think I need for him to be there more than he needs it. How sad is that? Rob is bugging me more & more to make the move but I keep postponing it. :(

Beruriah said...

Oh, I'm sorry Catherine. I hope the adjustment at this point has gone well. I know it aches.

I am actually jealous. We moved Baby Man out of our room when we moved to our new apartment. He just wasn't sleeping at all. Now we were at my parents' for a couple of days and he slept with me for a few hours each night (it was cold in the house) and it was so nice. I miss the cuddling so much.

Shawnee said...

I have been dealing with trying to get my daughter to sleep in her own bed for a while. It is so tough hearing them cry! Right now she still sleeps with us from about 4am-7:30am, which I am okay with now. Good luck to ya :)

Penultimatina said...

I totally know how you feel, Kate. Ray still sleeps with me, and my major triumph lately has been getting him to bed by 8:30 (and then I sneak out to pay bills, etc). I don't know when I'll be ready to move him. He's not ready, and neither am I.