Friday, April 11, 2008

Miscellaneous thoughts

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I deleted The Shape of a Mother from my blogroll after reading this entry. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate that I can't feel like a superhero. I hate that I'm afraid I'll never again feel comfortable in my own skin.
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The spring brings with it my own special torture. As the sunshine warms and the skies clear, I am reminded of those hopeful days three years ago. There are moments that I cannot let go of...sensations so clear that I feel like I can reach out and experience them again. Sensory memory. It can bring me to tears and ruin a perfectly beautiful spring day.
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Did you see the story of how the International Breast Milk Project saved the life of a preemie baby in Pittsburgh after her mother passed away? (Warning...you'll need Kleenex.)

The Madison Cassady Program is especially interesting to me. I wish I had known about it three years ago when I lost Alex.
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Speaking of breastmilk...
The stress of an upcoming jury trial does a real number on supply. I hope against hope that I can just have nurse-a-thon weekend and recover some of what we need. Keep your fingers crossed for us.
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I'm de-stressing by moving music to my cell phone MP3 player. I'm just now realizing how much I've missed my tunes. It's amazing how relaxing it can be to hear familiar music.
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A friend made a donation to the MOM Project in honor of her friend's baby, and I was able to mail out another batch of bracelets (including one to her friend). There is a certain beauty in the cyclical nature of this sadness and lifting up.
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I'm spending quite a bit of time volunteering for NILMDTS and I'm really enjoying it. Maybe someday I'll be brave enough to get serious about learning photography. I have a couple of friends who are really good photographers...maybe I'll ask them for some reading recommendations to get me started.
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Sam is playing t-ball. Next to soccer, I have never seen anything so adorable in all my life. All those munchkins trying to remember which way to run on the bases is just a great way to spend an hour of my time. I must remember to get some video soon.
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My husband put a pizza receipt in the checkbook...sauce and all. Lovely.
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6 comments:

Beruriah said...

Oh wow. The Shape of a Mother. That site was never on my blogroll and won't be. I think you're a super-hero by the way. Just totally and completely awesome. I've not been reading anyone often lately so I just scrolled down a bit - Myles is just gorgeous!

Cristin said...

The Shape of a Mother always makes me feel bad about myself. Always. Or it makes me feel really bad for them. Mostly it's me though.

Aurelia said...

You have always been a hero to me...I so admire the way you keep on going.

And thanks for the link to Madison Cassady program. What a great idea. I wish I could've done this.

DD said...

I'm obviously not the only one who focused on your first point, The Shape of a Mother. However, when I first read this, I had nothing to add, but it ate at me all weekend. It made my angrier and angrier.

So what if her body can make milk and babies? That's what a woman's body is supposed to do, isn't it? A super hero is being able to do something no one else can do. Ask me how much of a super hero she feels like when only her husband can soothe the baby at some point; or how her toddler has now ducked away in a store and she can't find him for three minutes; or how she deals with her preschooler so upset over going to school, he throws up in hysterics.

Super heros overcome the odds. The odds were in her favor. Big whoopdeedo to her.

JMB said...

Maybe I just looked at that entry at Shape of a Mother with a bit of skepticism, and let it go. It's her first-I looked pretty good (for me anyway) after my first too. Then came #2, and oh dear Lord what happened then. Super hero may be pushing it, but what our bodies can do, regardless of condition, is something to be amazed at. My perspective is that my body has fought me at every turn, and even though I never had a loss of any kind, it took a lot of work to have the two that I do-so I find myself amazed that this screwed up body managed to get it right, and more than once.

You are doing fine-three pregnancies and all that life has handed you in the past few years earns you a pass.

As for the stress factor and supply, I've had the same thing happen lately (and that adds to my list of yet another reason to hire outside counsel to go to trial for me! ;) ). I did what I could to try to wind down, and uppped my fluid consumption, which seems to have helped a little. Good luck on your trial!

Roxanne said...

Whoop Dee Doo.

But for all of the entries like that there are the photos of the women who make me look like Cindy Crawford (although every Cindy Crawford has stretch marks!).

Yeah whatever. I have a big ole scar from where my stomach got cut open. Superhero my butt. If that ain't badass, I don't know what is.