I just need to keep the pre-appointment freakouts at bay for 26 more days...but I'm running out of distractions that work. The doubting chorus is too loud to drown out these days. I can't concentrate on much other than keeping track of the last time I tested my blood sugar, the last time I ate, and the last time I felt Myles move. So I'm watching a lot of television, crocheting on multiple projects (I promise an update soon), shopping for gifts for friends and secret pals, shopping for baby, and hanging out with my guys and my animals (and trying not to be too cranky with them).
Speaking of cranky, I feel like maybe I should issue an apology to any friends and family I have offended or irritated recently. I'm sorry. No excuses. I'm just sorry.
A friend emailed me today and I found myself nodding vigorously and saying, "Yeah...that's exactly it!"
I know I can't possibly put my mind, heart, and body in your place, but to the best of my ability I think I would probably, best case scenario, be mentally shutting down right about now and waiting in some way for it all to be over, to breathe again.
I'm waiting for it all to be over...one way or another. So I shut down until then and just wait. I have all these thoughts and feelings swirling around that make no sense without context...and I simply can't provide the context for them right now. It's easier to just mentally shut down and wait. At first I thought it was laziness. But now I realize it's just self-preservation.
The possibility of failure...of another dead baby...became very real to me the other day when someone made an off-handed comment about how things would "work out" for me "this time." I wanted to scream, "You don't know that!" And suddenly the thoughts I had so neatly pushed away came flooding in. I was back in that place...making that phone call to my mom, riding in the car to the hospital with my Dad driving and Steve crying in the seat behind me, hugging my Sam and telling him his brother couldn't come home to live with us, hiding at work so I didn't have to face the looks...it's all there.
Next Wednesday is another ultrasound and NST. Then there are two appointments after that...and November 25th is the confirmed date to "push the eject button early"(yeah, my OB is a laugh riot). I try to imagine that day. I hope for that day. Because that other day...the one from two years ago...
I can't do that again.