Friday, August 24, 2007

Miscellaneous Thoughts

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I neglected to share...My son and my husband brought me flowers and a funny card on our wedding anniversary...then they took me out to dinner. I did nothing for them. I suck.

While at dinner, Steve and I were both a bit disconcerted that our waiter (who was also the bartender at the bar) looked A LOT like our son's pediatrician. I felt like I should order something healthy...which is so NOT the point of eating out.
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I got a new cell phone. An LG enV Orange. If you click the link you will see why I'm a little afraid of it.
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A good night's sleep does not come without a price in my whackadoo brain. See, the last two times I got a good night's sleep while pregnant resulted in dead babies. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why my mind freaked itself out on Tuesday morning when I woke up from a surprisingly nice sleep (I only had to visit the bathroom twice during the night). I am eternally grateful to whatever power allowed me that sleep without waking to a dead baby. I am, however, a bit perturbed that I had to break out the doppler first thing in the morning "just to check." The emotional toll of the morning almost completely negates the restful sleep of the night before.

And as an added bonus, I couldn't find a heartbeat at first because Baby Myles had scrunched himself up in a tight little ball in my upper right abdomen...above my belly button. My boy and I are apparently going to have to talk about the exit being to the south and not up and out my throat.
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All H@me Dep@t's are not created equal. And L@we's may be more expensive, but the extra $ is worth it for the better customer service. I'm just saying.
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At the end of the work day, I hide in my office instead of going home. I don't want to go home to be all by myself with the dogs. At first I thought it was because I didn't want to clean up any messes they may have left me. Now I realize it's because I don't want to be alone with all the bad thoughts. I'm disappointed in myself. I thought I was doing better.
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Thursday, 5:59pm, I saw my belly move for the first time this pregnancy from a distinct baby kick.
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An interesting article about Mother Teresa's Crisis of Faith.

There are two responses to trauma: to hold onto it in all its vividness and remain its captive, or without necessarily "conquering" it, to gradually integrate it into the day-by-day.
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I feel so grown up. I got "the look" today from my boss when I handed him my son's kindergarten schedule and informed him I would be arriving late and leaving early on those days I have to provide transportation to my munchkin. It's only two hours a day on those days and I can really do the work at home, but I agreed to work in the office an extra two hours on the other days of the week because he "needs the hours from me." Whatever. My office neighbor is leaving to work in private practice in a couple of weeks and has promised he will keep his eyes and ears open for any opportunities for me. There is hope.
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3 comments:

ms. G said...

I have the sleep thing too. It doesn't matter if I'm a bit more tired, I prefer waking a few times a night. It seems safer somehow.

Don't know if this helps much, but know you are not alone in having your bad thoughts.

Rosepetal said...

I also slept well just before V. died. In the last stages of pregnancy I was getting up to pee at 1am, 3am and 5am. Then I had a night where I only got up once and I remember thinking in the morning, huh that's good. Now I can't recall whether it was the last night before the neverending nightmare began, but I think it was.

Julia said...

I get the sleep thing. Dopler will be a must in my next pregnancy too, and I honestly don't know how I will make it to the point where it can be used... Too stressful for not finding the heartbeat right away-- no kidding about wiping out the restfulness of that sleep.

Completely agree about L@we's. Completely.