There are so many times I worry about what the last two years has done to Sam. Have we scarred him emotionally for life? Will he need counseling? Will he become a hermit in the woods of Montana writing his manifesto?
And then we have these moments that I begin to think all my worrying is for nothing.
He doesn't remember Rolie Polie Olie. For almost an entire year, that is the only show he would watch on Playhouse Disney. I bought him a stuffed Olie...and bowed to DEMANDS to replace him after one of the dogs chewed his antenna off.
Yesterday we were going through the trash bags of stuffed animals and happened upon Rolie Polie Olie and sister Zoey. Sam looked at them...then at me...then at them...then at me...totally blank. He had ZERO recognition of these characters who were so dear to him just a few short years ago. He didn't even know their names.
So now I'm left to wonder...would it be better if we let Alex and Travis fade away into the fog of childhood memories? Should we make less of an effort to keep their memories alive in our home? Maybe I am creating the very issues I was seeking to avoid?
I have, as of late, had my own feeling of needing to replace the photos and momentos of Alex and Travis...to put the memories away for safekeeping. Not all of them...but some of them. I know part of this is wanting so badly for GB to fill up some of those dark places with the light of hope and happiness. I know I would much rather see smiling photos of happy living children on my walls. I know that no amount of looking at the past will make things 'right.' Maybe by looking so much at the past I am missing out on the joy and anticipation of what lies ahead. Maybe I need to find a more balanced place for all of us. And maybe I worry too much about the wrong things...
Tonight I will pack up Rolie Polie Olie and sister Zoey in the cedar chest of memories. And maybe I will put a couple other things in there too.