I wrote a post. Filled with anger and profanity. And then I took a breath.
Here is the gist of it...
Stop telling me how God is the answer.
Stop telling me how God loves me.
A friend in loss summarized the feeling succinctly in a comment a while back. "the idea of a god who could have spared my son but chose not to is so horrible that i'd rather believe there's no god than one so hateful"
I take no comfort in the idea of some great "plan." None. Our children are DEAD. We were cheated out of a million little memories that probably mean nothing to you unless you know you are missing them. We were cheated out of the dream of what our family could be...now...and forever. We were given a taste...and then had the dream unceremoniously ripped from our grasp. I have no words to describe for you the unbearable cruelty of that. And I think, given the propensity to say things like, "Despair is despair," that you, and people like you, will NEVER understand. So I am not going to waste my breath.
So with that in mind...
If it means not commenting here, then please, do not comment here.
I liken your comments to kicking a dog when he is down. I liken them to my husband's annoying habit of trying to fix my problems in two seconds flat.
I don't need answers.
I don't need solutions.
I need to work through my grief on my own terms and in my own time.
And I don't need to deal with your judgments about how I "should" be doing things. I know I'm disappointing people. If there is a God, I'm sure I'm disappointing Him. But this is MY journey to take and I do NOT need you to swoop in and tell me how easy it is.
Just give yourself over to God? Just? As if it is so simple? Which God should I give myself over to? The one who loves me so much that He would do this to my family? Really? I'm sorry if I'm having a little trouble with that one. No...I'm not sorry. I AM having trouble...and I WON'T apologize for it.
Do not minimize...do not attempt to solve...