Tuesday, February 20, 2007


I wrote a post. Filled with anger and profanity. And then I took a breath.

Here is the gist of it...

Stop telling me how God is the answer.
Stop telling me how God loves me.
Just stop.

A friend in loss summarized the feeling succinctly in a comment a while back. "the idea of a god who could have spared my son but chose not to is so horrible that i'd rather believe there's no god than one so hateful"

I take no comfort in the idea of some great "plan." None. Our children are DEAD. We were cheated out of a million little memories that probably mean nothing to you unless you know you are missing them. We were cheated out of the dream of what our family could be...now...and forever. We were given a taste...and then had the dream unceremoniously ripped from our grasp. I have no words to describe for you the unbearable cruelty of that. And I think, given the propensity to say things like, "Despair is despair," that you, and people like you, will NEVER understand. So I am not going to waste my breath.

So with that in mind...
Please stop.
If it means not commenting here, then please, do not comment here.

I liken your comments to kicking a dog when he is down. I liken them to my husband's annoying habit of trying to fix my problems in two seconds flat.

I don't need answers.
I don't need solutions.
I need to work through my grief on my own terms and in my own time.

And I don't need to deal with your judgments about how I "should" be doing things. I know I'm disappointing people. If there is a God, I'm sure I'm disappointing Him. But this is MY journey to take and I do NOT need you to swoop in and tell me how easy it is.

Just give yourself over to God? Just? As if it is so simple? Which God should I give myself over to? The one who loves me so much that He would do this to my family? Really? I'm sorry if I'm having a little trouble with that one. No...I'm not sorry. I AM having trouble...and I WON'T apologize for it.

Do not minimize...do not attempt to solve...

Just stop.


Stephanie said...

I hear you.

Anonymous said...

I agree when you say you need to work through your grief on your own terms and in your own time. Not much else I can say to help you. I think you are the only person that can help you, but I suspect you've already worked that out by yourself.

Wishing you lots of strength and courage to get through this some day.


Schmetterling said...

Point taken, Kate. I told you that God was MY answer, though, not yours. I said I prayed that He would be, but never insisted that you subscribe to it. I understand your anger, and while I admit that it knots up my insides to know it came from me, I wish you only peace.

I will respectfully refrain from posting future comments. But I will continue to pray for you.

Brenda said...

I thought if one more person told me 'God had other plans for Zak', 'God has a path for you', 'It was meant to be' or ' Its Gods will' I would go mad!

I wanted to kill (ok a little harsh) every person who thought that helped.
How does that help? Telling someone God took your baby, God let your baby die?

My only answer to these people was ' Its a good job I don't believe in God or I would be one pissed off worshiper'!!

I do have a habit of saying ' ZAK'S UP THERE' but I think its more for my niece's. A simple answer when they ask where he has gone. Or maybe it makes me feel more at ease to think hes sleeping in some fluffy clouds, nice and close to the stars. Or maybe its just because I like the idea of him looking over me/us.
But it's NOT because I think hes 'with God'.

If I ever wondered before if I believed in God I know for sure now. The day my beautiful boy was TAKEN from me but the crack whore over the road was aloud to keep her 4!
That was the day I worked out I didn't want to believe in someone called GOD.


Aurelia said...

I'm sorry for your pain...sending you a hug today.


R said...

You know I used to do that to you, not understanding that you need to work through it on your own. When I have grieved about Lu's issues, losing her twinlet, I needed people to accept the fact that I was grieving...not say, "Oh, but you still have one baby! Be happy! There was something wrong with it anyway, so..." This is the only frame of reference I have, but I am realizing that each of us have our own journey, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing yours with the world when you absolutely didn't have to. It's an intensely personal thing (yes, I am growing up.) :) I love you, Catherine.

msfitzita said...

I think we had the same day.

I'm sorry that people who don't understand or who handle things differently feel the need to "fix" you. I'm sorry Catherine. Not that it matters what I think at all, but I think you're doing fine. This is a YOUR journey and YOUR healing process. No one understands it but you and no one can live it but you. And I think you're doing it with incredible grace and strength. And I always have.


Adam said...

This is right.

Don't apologize.

Thank you.

Mrs. Fun said...

Kate, know I completely understand about the God thing. I have no idea the pain you feel but I get the God thing.
God was not the answer for me many years ago when I lost my brother. And to this day I still wonder if God has the answers. It's nice to think that for comfort but REALLY, who the hell knows?
It's like if you beleive in God then you'll find comfort, BULLSHIT!! so not true. How can God comfort you when he is the one that just hurt you. If to say he was???
Okay not making any sense now. I just wanted to reach out to you.

kate said...

Very true.

Honestly, i don't think there *are* answers, and solutions. I think there is just coping.

Sending you ((((((hugs)))))))

Heather said...

I am sorry people don't get it. :(

:) n said...

oh kate... i'm sorry that this witnessing and proclaiming has caused you such pain and anger.

this religious fanaticism is just that. fanaticism. it's not coming from a stable mind.

i tire of people thinking i'm nuts over losing my mother 5 years ago. i should be "over" it by now right? perhaps if i just embraced the "truth" then all would be right as rain.

my mom would be here, my kids would have a grandmother, i wouldn't have gone through having my leg broken all alone, i wouldn't have gone thru be stalked all alone, i wouldn't have gone thru my divorce all over. it's MY fault that i don't just embrace the truth.

see bad things can't happen to those who put blinders on. blaming the victim.

it makes me angry that anyone would try to minimize or attempt to provide insight into your losses.

fanaticism is mental illness. plain and simple and BOO to proselytizing.

Treggles said...


I took the liberty of showing this post to a friend who I know thinks long and hard about this subect. Yes, my minister, D. Here's his response...

"Every week I come across this issue pastorally. How have we sold the world a God who is a controlling monster willing the death of children? I don't believe in the God portrayed by this poor suffering woman, but clearly there are some who have portrayed this God to her as a God of love. This cannot be. Just think about any loving relationship: is it controlling or freeing? Love frees the other person to be who they are, something-other-than-love tries to control the other person to be what they want them to be. God is a God of love, not of control. The two are mutually exclusive."

Hope I didn't overstep the mark: I just knew he'd have an interesting perspective on it.

Much love to you.