Thursday, January 04, 2007

(and again)

I don't want to be the poster child for how to survive stillbirth.
I don't want to be kind and caring and compassionate...offering words of comfort as the person who has "been there (twice)."
I don't want people to avoid me anymore for fear I'm going to say something too serious...too depressing...too real.
I don't want people to choose their words because they don't want me to cry.
I don't want people to laugh too hard at my jokes because they think I'm all better and they are so relieved they won't have to face "it."
I don't want to understand this.
I don't want to be fed one more serving of "you need to move on and just be happy with what you have."
I don't want to be the one who has to explain it all to people who don't seem to understand.
I don't want to have a platform...a campaign...a position.
I don't want to be the expert in this nightmare by virtue of my experience.
I don't want to hate God.
I don't want people to tell me that I'm going to hell for hating God.
I don't want to think about God.

I just want to grieve.


Anonymous said...

Me too?

Anonymous said...

Then don't my dear. You don't owe anyone anything.

I'm with you on the god thing. I sooo don't want to hate him. I get that totally. And as for your following post, I personally dont think 'we' ever get over it ever, not really! I don't think there is a magical way to do that. Even therapy! I'm just content that I try. I still have dark days, days when bad memories wont lie down.

Let it consume you then pick yourself up and go on. And maybe keep telling yourself that there is no time you'll completely get over it even if you had another live child. for me, its about accepting the fact. It happened, it was shitty for it to happen to me, what can I do, I accept I failed or i accept that god helped me fail?

I'm going on too much, I'll stop :)