I sat across the conference room table as she described the horror of being raped, of miscarrying her very much wanted baby, of losing herself in the "justice" system, of her lifetime of sadness and resulting mental illness. She has obviously carried it around within her heart for decades...it shows on the lines in her face and in I could hear it in the hard edge of her voice. The fear, the sadness, the grief, the anger...all the things she couldn't let go of brought her to this place. Her husband, long since divorced, sat beside her and tried his best to reassure her...to be her strength. But I could see the helplessness on his face...the powerlessness to bring her out of the darkness that she cloaked herself in so many years ago.
As I talked to her openly about her miscarriage and the resulting chaos it created in her life, I silently prayed, "God, don't let this happen to me. And if it does happen to me...please take care of my family."
Yep, I prayed.
I realize this may not be earth-shattering to many who have long ago established their own relationship with God and the universe (whether it be an unshakeable faith or no faith whatsoever). But for me I'm left wondering...Is there still something there...or is it just that old habits die hard?
Then I read this article about the funerals for the Amish children in Pennsylvania.
"You think about them, you cry about them, you pray for them," said Lizzy Fisher, an Amish grandmother who is close to several great-grandparents of the slain girls. "And then you have to let go of things you can't explain."
Because if you don't let it go, you can end up like that woman I sat across from today. And while I'm sure the original grief was debilitating...spending the rest of your life wrapped up in that one/two moment(s) is so much more sad. A lifetime lost...just wasted.
I want my boys to be remembered, but not like that. Not in self-pity, sadness, and anger. I want something better. Something beautiful like they were.
So I search within myself. I have to let go (as best I can) of the things I can't explain. I need to find a path opposite the one I saw today. I want to embrace something...the legacy of two boys who are very much missed and will always be loved.